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Original poster

Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

494 replies

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 12:00

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/07/2023 13:00

Cornishclio · 20/07/2023 08:04

Oh my god I have only read the first few posts. Move out for goodness sake. He is committing fraud by claiming single persons discount, he is mean and tight restricting the showers etc you have and £100 to Sky and over £400 on groceries. Absolutely not. Don't feel guilty. He brought this on himself. Even more if you aren't attracted to him or have his parents asking why you don't cook for him. Is this the 1950s?

I would leave.

Please RTFT, op has left!

uhtredbebbanburg · 20/07/2023 13:03

You’re financially independent if you have aFT job. Get out of there. He’s abusive and sounds like a horrible human being. Washing your clothes once a month and only after permission? WTF. And a tax fraudster while the rest of us pay what we should 😡

CecilyP · 20/07/2023 13:08

I'm not saying she shouldn't tell the council. That may be better than living in fear that they may catch up with her and she will face a criminal prosecution. But she needs to be prepared for the consequences. There is a debt to be paid, and they both owe it.

The council are far more likely to bill for what is owed if the householder is co-operative. In OP's position, I'd forget about it - one less thing to deal with. There's more than enough that she does actually have to do. Hopefully she will soon be gone, so it's irrelevant anyway.

Have to say the modern slavery thing resonates now that a PP has mentioned it.

Fredface1 · 20/07/2023 13:17

Blimey you're going to busy going through all 19 pages and let everyone else commenting the same as me know that. Or am I just super special?

Glad they've left sometimes it takes other people stating the obvious to see the situation for what it is.

pontyfitty · 20/07/2023 14:05

Yikes. Reminds me of my ex-landlord, his wife ended up commuting suicide. Good job you got out, well done.

AliceMay55 · 20/07/2023 15:20

Wait, he can eat what he wants when you are buying food, but he rations supplies when he is paying the bills ! Nasty!

DemBonesDemBones · 20/07/2023 19:07

I feel queasy. The toilet business, the greediness...what do you see in him?!

IWantOutDoI · 21/07/2023 07:13

DemBonesDemBones · 20/07/2023 19:07

I feel queasy. The toilet business, the greediness...what do you see in him?!

I doubt very much she is seeing something on him, what she cannot see is the way out safely, but getting there.

DemBonesDemBones · 21/07/2023 10:07

@IWantOutDoI I really hope she can get out safely and live a wonderful life without him-she sounds brilliant!

millymoo1202 · 21/07/2023 10:10

Run as fast as you can

blablabla123 · 21/07/2023 10:23

I'm shocked.

Cancel sky and report him for tax fraud. Stop buying food and go out for yourself to treat yourself and sneak in all the washes and rack up his bills when he isn't there - then leave.

PuzzledObserver · 21/07/2023 12:22

Since you work FT, OP, your income must be considerably higher than the unfair proportion of bills you have been paying. Have you been saving the rest? If so, you should by now have a reasonable amount saved to help you in your transition to your new life.

Original poster
Chocolatelover2023 · 21/07/2023 14:47

Thanks for all the support and replies.

I have text him to let him know how I feel, how miserable and unhappy I am and how I find his way of living weird.

He text back saying he dosent live like that anymore and his mum would be happy to pay the electricity bill, so I don’t think he will just move on that easily.

In the past when I have tried to leave he has done some awful things like contact people I know telling them lies about me, and I am worried of him tracking me down via a private investigator ( he has claimed to of done this when he lived separately in the early days, to check up on me ) when I do finally move into my own place.

Even though he has never been physically abusive to me, I am worried about what he will do in terms of harassing me and my family etc.

He is more than happy for me to have the dogs which is great.

I am considering contacting the police as I know he won’t just leave me alone.

I know this sounds drastic but I am even considering changing my name so he can never find me, he really is that bad.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 21/07/2023 15:07

Inform the police and keep as much as possible to text based communication.

screenshot messages and back up on a private cloud drive he can’t access - this is in case he deletes messages via WhatsApp etc or your phone has an accident.

ask the police for advice on how to go forward as you worry about his threats and previous comments.

keep your cards close yo your chest and speak to women’s aid and other organisations to help you plan getting out.

his behaviour on the whole is controlling but the threats of private investigators etc are harassment and threatening in their tone. Make sure everyone in the organisation’s know of these threats and that you fear for your safety.

PuzzledObserver · 21/07/2023 15:10

Chocolatelover2023 · 21/07/2023 14:47

Thanks for all the support and replies.

I have text him to let him know how I feel, how miserable and unhappy I am and how I find his way of living weird.

He text back saying he dosent live like that anymore and his mum would be happy to pay the electricity bill, so I don’t think he will just move on that easily.

In the past when I have tried to leave he has done some awful things like contact people I know telling them lies about me, and I am worried of him tracking me down via a private investigator ( he has claimed to of done this when he lived separately in the early days, to check up on me ) when I do finally move into my own place.

Even though he has never been physically abusive to me, I am worried about what he will do in terms of harassing me and my family etc.

He is more than happy for me to have the dogs which is great.

I am considering contacting the police as I know he won’t just leave me alone.

I know this sounds drastic but I am even considering changing my name so he can never find me, he really is that bad.

In the light of this update and his previous behaviour - absolutely contact Women’s Aid for support, and log his threats with the police.

Original poster
Chocolatelover2023 · 21/07/2023 15:13

TheCatterall · 21/07/2023 15:07

Inform the police and keep as much as possible to text based communication.

screenshot messages and back up on a private cloud drive he can’t access - this is in case he deletes messages via WhatsApp etc or your phone has an accident.

ask the police for advice on how to go forward as you worry about his threats and previous comments.

keep your cards close yo your chest and speak to women’s aid and other organisations to help you plan getting out.

his behaviour on the whole is controlling but the threats of private investigators etc are harassment and threatening in their tone. Make sure everyone in the organisation’s know of these threats and that you fear for your safety.

Hi@TheCatterall I have just gotten of the phone to Women’s Aid and the lady encouraged me to download the Holly Guard app.

You have also offered some good advice, I think the police will be the next step as I just can’t see him leaving me alone, he really has stalker traits from what I have seen of his past behaviour.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 21/07/2023 15:16

You need to leave. Cut off all contact with him.
He's treating you like an abused prisoner, and he's also disenfranchised you, by not declaring you on the Council Tax (so, you can't vote, either).
You are doing the right thing by getting support from Women's Aid, and the like. Sending you best wishes, OP; you are strong, and can do this. There has to be more to life than this.

Chasingadvice · 21/07/2023 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WisherWood · 21/07/2023 16:18

I'm glad you're getting help to leave him OP but do listen to the professionals. He sounds very dangerous. You can get away from him, please believe that, but you will need help. And yes, unfortunately you might have to take quite dramatic steps. Also, be prepared for him to bad mouth you and just decide it doesn't matter on the whole. The only exception I would make is employers - get advice about that. It might help to give them the heads up about what's happening so if you does shit stir for you at work, you have forewarned them.

Greenpolkadot · 21/07/2023 16:22

What the hell are you doing with him girl ?
He's a parasite..get yourself out of there.you deserve better

ApolloandDaphne · 21/07/2023 16:25

I'm glad to know you are out now. I hope he keeps well away from you. You seem to have had some good support and information on here and IRL. I wish you a peaceful future with your dogs.

Cherrysoup · 21/07/2023 18:11

Please get yourself out of this incredibly abusive relationship. If he harasses you, get the police involved.

maddening · 21/07/2023 18:21

Well done for getting out op, you are making all the right moves

IWantOutDoI · 21/07/2023 19:27

Op, careful there. He seems so agreeable it is suspicious. Send someone to pick up your things and the dogs, this might be a trap and… it is a secluded space anyway so you don’t want to go unprotected into weird family’s private territory.

Inform your family too. They will support you but only if they know what are you going through.

SaturdayGiraffe · 21/07/2023 20:13

He text back saying he dosent live like that anymore and
^^
his mum would be happy to pay the electricity bill

So he Denied.
And then he exerted control again, because his parents are extensions of his power over you. Financial control.