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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

494 replies

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 12:00

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:
crackfoxy · 19/07/2023 20:21

Sorry OP he sounds awful. Please leave him, youll be better off financially and emotionally alone

DuesToTheDirt · 19/07/2023 20:22

All kinds of wrong going on here! Which one to pick as the worst? The council tax fraud? Only being allowed to wash clothes once a month? Eating in the dark? How can you put up with any of this?

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 19/07/2023 20:28

LtB.

Cabella · 19/07/2023 20:35

@Chocolatelover2023
So you can only wash your clothes once a month, because he says the water is turned off? What a catch ! OP, you don't owe him anything, and, as a previous poster said you do not officially live there so please leave as soon as you can, surely you can take your dogs with you? Some landlord so accept dogs, please look on Open Rent UK and rid yourself of this utterly miserable miser.

JaniceBattersby · 19/07/2023 20:35

Tell him you’re going to take some stuff to the charity shop the following day, if he has anything he wants you to take. Then stuff everything you own in black bin bags, shove it in the car and leave.

There’s so much more to life than this.

JupiterFortified · 19/07/2023 20:42

Wow.

Run and don’t ever look back.

Take the dogs and start living your life.

ps Take a couple of burly men with you when you go to collect your things.

OoopsOhNo · 19/07/2023 20:46

I know a farming family exactly like this except the ages are a tiny bit different (oldest son of farming patriarch would be around mid 40s now).

It's abusive, illegal and no way to live. Run!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/07/2023 20:54

NOT a partner. An abuser! Get out now and take the dogs. Then shop him for the tax fraud...

bevelino · 19/07/2023 20:59

Bearpawk · 19/07/2023 12:18

He's abusing you.
He's committing tax fraud.
He's tight.
He's disgusting.
Leave. Now.

This

OP is living in an abusive situation and it is ridiculous that she is being treated like that.

Twilight7777 · 19/07/2023 21:01

Erm I’d be careful admitting you and your partner are committing tax fraud online!

whatstheagendatoday · 19/07/2023 21:06

Is this real? Why r u enduring this?

CapEBarra · 19/07/2023 21:14

cbuew9 · 19/07/2023 17:54

Sorry, I don't believe this for a minute.....

If you don’t believe it then just report it, FFS. There’s really no need to come on and snark at what is potentially a vulnerable woman in need of support.

OP, I’m glad you’re out and safe. Think carefully about whether you need to go back. If so, take someone with you and let the police know you’re going.

Frankola · 19/07/2023 21:16

Cancel the sky and broadband. Take you lovely dogs and go.

He doesn't deserve you.

FablesStoriesTales · 19/07/2023 21:24

Leave, leave him the animals, run for the hills, on and that Sky thing.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/07/2023 21:27

By my calculations (sorry if someone else has put this here) you should be paying about £382.50 each - so a reduction of £177 for you, and that much more from him. He will, of course, kick off. But it is not about the money is it? He is treating you with total disrespect, his parents are in on it, and the whole thing does not bode well for you going forward. Not allowed to take a bath? Time to exit and find someone who is not using you like their personal cashpoint.

laveritable · 19/07/2023 21:30

YABU! FOR asking the obvious!

Mother87 · 19/07/2023 21:31

You've just described a selfish controlling twat with no obvious redeeming features. LTB

Original poster
Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 21:33

A lot of people asking if this is real, it really is.
I met him when I was 22 and looking back now I feel he manipulated me.
One of the biggest regrets I have in life is moving in with him.

I believe a lot of his behaviour stems from his parents mollycoddling him.
His mum will do his clothes washing hence me only being able to wash my own clothes once a month.

A lot of the recent arguments have been about his parents.
I feel extremely bitter as for years I have helped them so much and never once got a thank you or ever felt appreciated.

The final mail for me was when my dog was ill about two weeks ago.
My dog had not moved all day and had bloody diarrhoea and I really thought I was losing her.
My ex came back from work to find me crying and about to go to the vet and he said “ for God sake I am fed up of this” he was so cold and that’s when I realised I had to get out.

I party stayed because of the dogs, they love living in the countryside and having a whole field to themselves to play in.

The other reason was because the only family he is close too is his parents and they are in their 80s, where I come from a big family and I am close to them.

His mother has often said how he worries what will happen to him when her and his dad pass away.

OP posts:
TopMog · 19/07/2023 21:47
  1. Leave asap.
  2. Immediately cancel every debit and standing order.
  3. Contact a women's shelter / domestic abuse charity (ask Citizens Advice Bureau).
  4. Take every item of food from the fridge, freezer, all cupboards.
  5. Later, anonymously report the fraud to the council and HMRC. Photograph all evidence of your presence in the property as evidence if you need to.
  6. Take your dogs.
  7. Get your post redelivered by Royal Mail.
  8. Open a new bank account so he cannot get access to any of your money.
  9. Go to a Martial Arts school / Body-building gym and 'borrow' some hunks (offer to buy them some beers?) to go with you to the property when you collect everything.
  10. Apply for a restraining order just in case.
  11. Pat yourself on the back.

Good luck.

Tilllly · 19/07/2023 21:48

TopMog · 19/07/2023 21:47

  1. Leave asap.
  2. Immediately cancel every debit and standing order.
  3. Contact a women's shelter / domestic abuse charity (ask Citizens Advice Bureau).
  4. Take every item of food from the fridge, freezer, all cupboards.
  5. Later, anonymously report the fraud to the council and HMRC. Photograph all evidence of your presence in the property as evidence if you need to.
  6. Take your dogs.
  7. Get your post redelivered by Royal Mail.
  8. Open a new bank account so he cannot get access to any of your money.
  9. Go to a Martial Arts school / Body-building gym and 'borrow' some hunks (offer to buy them some beers?) to go with you to the property when you collect everything.
  10. Apply for a restraining order just in case.
  11. Pat yourself on the back.

Good luck.

  1. Leave all the taps running when you go!

Get out and start your life

TopMog · 19/07/2023 21:48

DON'T tell him you are going. Just do it!

Murphs1 · 19/07/2023 21:50

From your post this is an abusive and controlling relationship. You’ll be so much happier on your own.

SaturdayGiraffe · 19/07/2023 21:51

Who cares what happens to him when his parents die? He’s a grown man!
They really have enmeshed you thoroughly haven’t they.
Stop focusing on him, stop focusing on them. Put yourself and your dogs first, and that does not include sitting in the dark smelling wee just so they have a field to run in.

TopMog · 19/07/2023 21:53

No - water is a precious resource: don't waste it.

Murphs1 · 19/07/2023 21:55

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

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