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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

494 replies

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 12:00

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 19/07/2023 17:57

Honestly this sounds so awful that I half think there’s more to it and you’re giving us a skewed / biased view.

If I’m wrong, please leave this man. Please.

Jl2014 · 19/07/2023 17:57

This is bonkers. You know what you need to do. Why are you even asking. I can’t believe why anyone would put up with this.

Niceseasidetown · 19/07/2023 18:02

Take some responsibility for your life.

No one forced you to move in or to stay.

Really struggle to have much sympathy here unless you have huge learning disabilities.

Batalax · 19/07/2023 18:02

Youve done the right thing. Ask the police to accompany you to get your things,

WisherWood · 19/07/2023 18:03

derxa · 19/07/2023 17:10

The gullibility of some MNetters never fails to amaze me

I assume that anyone on here might be fudging details, could be embellishing or might just be making stuff up for shit and giggles. However, I choose to reply in good faith, if I reply at all. If I really think someone is trolling, I just report.

The trouble is, as weird as some stories sound, what bothers me is that people who might be genuinely in need could be put off asking for help for fear of all the troll hunters. And I'd rather someone thought maybe I was a bit gullible than that someone who genuinely needed help didn't ask for it.

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/07/2023 18:05

Jesus Christmas I couldn't get to the end! I only got as far as one load of washing a month.

LTB!! Why why why on earth are you living like a prisoners? Do you have to earn your privileges or something?

LEAVE!!!!! This is not a way to live. Mone of what you have written is sane or remotely OK!!!

Run like your tampon string is on fire.

azlazee1 · 19/07/2023 18:05

Leave........Now

Mygosh · 19/07/2023 18:06

This sounds like an abusive relationship to me. I don't know what your financial position is, if you have any savings etc. You can get help from a women's charity like women's aid, just start by contacting them, talk about your situation. If you cannot afford to rent by yourself, you might be able to get onto the local housing register. Technically you will be classed as homeless as your current property is not suitable. I have done this in the past and was housed by the council within a year. You will be able to take your dogs then. Of course, this all depends on how much you earn and what savings you have. The women's charities are really good with this sort of advice. Take care of yourself x

EmmaEmerald · 19/07/2023 18:06

OP "As the Council Tax has always been in his name and he has never declared me living at the property, when the census form came though, he only declared himself living at the property."

where are you registered to vote, for the doctors etc

I'm also a bit baffled because you were an adult when you got together, unless, as pp said, there's some undisclosed stuff.

I don't think the police can come out "in case" something happens. Can your dad help?

PatternsinNature · 19/07/2023 18:07

Put all your time & energy into finding somewhere else to live that you can afford
Start today

Look for rooms to rent or house shares
Do NOT part with any money until you have seen the property in person (there are scammers on the Internet)
Ask friends if they have a room to rent

Forget about reporting fraudulent Council tax, that is not your concern at this present time

If you don't need to go back, stay away permanently

Get your post redirected
Stop paying bills at that property
Things like clothes, furniture can be easily replaced

You need your freedom !

Collins567 · 19/07/2023 18:09

Get rid of him NOW. You are treated like a slave and prisoner. Life doesn't have to be like this, who the fuck only flushes once a day. Get out today.

Itsabeautifuldaytosavelives123 · 19/07/2023 18:09

DeliciouslyDecadent · 19/07/2023 17:42

Because his parents are also like that and also live a similar way to him, I just thought it was me with the issues.

As a grown woman @Chocolatelover2023 who met him in your late 20s, I really find this hard to believe.

Your own parents surely did not live like this?

Sorry, this doesn't wash with me.

She wasn't late 20s though, she was early 20s and naively drawn in by charm. I have a friend with a controlling husband, I would likely have finished him off by now if it was me, but I can believe OP's story. Especially as the level of abuse has heightened more in the last couple of years.

Rec0veringAcademic · 19/07/2023 18:10

Is this place some unfunny version of Cold Comfort Farm?? Can you take a male friend or two when you go back for your things, OP?
Sounds very mad and sinister, the whole arrangement.

Eugenieonegin · 19/07/2023 18:13

Agreed this is council tax fraud.

Jem57 · 19/07/2023 18:13

What a prick,get out whilst you can,not a chance would I put up with this

StopStartStop · 19/07/2023 18:14

Get out of there.

pinksheetss · 19/07/2023 18:14

OP, you need to be paying council tax as well and completely not on for him to be taking advantage of single occupancy like that. Are you named on any bills?
You are in a position where you can and will get done for council tax fraud as well

How do you get on voting register or any proof of address documents?

LivinDaylights · 19/07/2023 18:17

Well you can't claim single occupancy discount when he isn't living there as a single person, he owes 3k in council tax for starters.

There's nothing to say about everything else except leave him, why have you put up with this for so long?

Beautiful3 · 19/07/2023 18:17

This is financial abuse. Cancel the sky and broadband and move out with the dogs. Don't tell him beforehand. Take your important documents and clothes to your mums. When you've moved important bags of stuff over, take the dogs with you when you leave. Life's too short to live in this way.

Beautiful3 · 19/07/2023 18:19

Don't report him for council tax fraud because they'll be looking for you to pay. I'd say nothing about that.

NooNooHead1981 · 19/07/2023 18:20

Blimey, he sounds charming...! 😳 Not being able to flush the loo? Eating in the dark?!

Whatever next? Having to sleep outside in a tent with a bucket? I'd be looking for the nearest exit faster than you can say "leave and never bloody come back"...

MidlandCatGirl · 19/07/2023 18:22

So this will be the first time I’ve ever felt the need to post this on a thread but LTB.

A few people have said quite rightly that his claiming single person discount for council tax is fraud - you can bet your arse if it came to light that he was telling them porkies and the council office requested it’s payment he’d be demanding 8years of back-dated council tax from you too.

Pack your bags, get your dogs and run far far away.

hookiewookie29 · 19/07/2023 18:23

Is this how you want your life to be?
He's grim( and defrauding the council tax- he'll get done once they find out) and you have a miserable life. You're worth more.

Catherhino · 19/07/2023 18:27

Waspie · 19/07/2023 12:07

Move out. Then tell the Council Tax team that he's been fraudulently claiming single person discount for 8 years.

This ^^
I would bet my last penny he's not paying tax on his B2L properties either - report him to HMRC as well for good measure!!

DamnUserName21 · 19/07/2023 18:28

Run!
Cancel everything in your name and leave. What a miserable way to live.