Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

[Chocolatelover2023]

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

I believe this is true (unfortunately), as I know of a very similar family, also farmers. Take a friend with you when you collect your belongings OP. If you haven’t been on the council tax, I’m presuming you are also not on the electoral register, which may cause massive problems with your credit file and getting a tenancy. You need to look into that asap. Give women’s aid a call, they may be able to help you.

I have an older family member who lived the same. Her DH used to sit in the cupboard under the stairs watching the electric meter turn whilst the washing machine was on, controlled the heating so the house was always freezing and ran her baths so he could dictate the hot water. These controlling people really do exist. She’s been a far happier person since he died so I really hope you can find the strength she didn’t have to stay away and not live the rest of your life this way.

I read as far as sometimes eating the dark - please get out and leave him he is controlling and abusive you should have to be restricted on anything you mention those are basic rights.

I wonder what kind of farming this family does?

Get the fuck out of there (making sure you take your dogs obviously). He sounds vile. Think how free you’d feel away from him. Good luck.

Leave.

What do you get out of this relationship, if it can be called that?

He definitely should not be claiming the single person discount if you live there.

On the other hand - what do you do in the shower for 10 minutes? That's a long shower to me, I'd be getting cross about that if I were him.

I don't recognise this, either. Most of my extended family are farmers, and I'm a crofter. We all manage to navigate life without being controlling, tight-fisted arseholes. Farming has huge and obvious problems, but that doesn't make everyone involved in it a caricature of abusive behaviour.

For those doubting ops story, people like this do exist. My ex cut the cable to the tumble dryer and would only allow the heating on an hr a day in winter. He would never share costs and had me paying the mortgage. These people are insidious and toxic and their behaviour gets worse over time.

He lied about his age, I only found out he was 52 in 2021.

Even in the early years every time I tried to break up with him he would harass me and my family.

He obtained my parents number from the contact section of my passport ( from when we went on holiday ) and called my Dad up once.

So when all of this happened, neither you nor your own family tried to stop it?

Did your parents not realise you were being abused and they were also being threatened?

If this man and his family were ready to be violent, then your own parents should have reported them all to the police.

Exactly. This thread has become a conduit for farmer bashing. 'Farmer' covers a very wide variation of circumstances. Crofter, arable farmer, sheep farmer, snail farmer, wine grower, all with vast differences in income, land, education etc
This man sounds like a complete arsehole but it's nothing to do with being a 'farmer'

There are two issues going on here.

1 This man's behaviour and that of his parents

2 The OP's lack of judgement, because she needed to ask on a forum if his behaviour was 'normal.'

On top of the council tax fraud there is another moral outrage in terms of the council house renter owning buy to let's! They get to pay council rent ( eg never more by law than 80% of market rate) and then rent out buy to let's!

She only moved in with him 8 years ago though, even if she met him at 22. She even said it wasn't like this the first year they lived together, so why would she think it was normal now?

YABU for putting up with this. The wealthiest people are often the tightest with money but there is being frugal but there's this which is fraud, abuse and coercive control.

Just leave, Cancel everything (Sky, broadband etc), any direct debits. You pay for the dogs so they are yours. Speak to women's aid and move - ask the police for help if you think you will need it. Of course he will make you feel guilty for leaving, you are propping up his lifestyle and putting up with his bullshit.

There are prisoners in jails across the country doing time for serious crimes who are treated far better than you.

You need to leave. Take your dogs and leave.

He’s not a renter - OP said he paid the mortgage off before she moved in. So he’s an owner, mortgage-free.

Since OP has been living rent-free for 8 years, it could be argued that it’s not unreasonable for her to pay more than half of the bills, in lieu of rent (since they’re not married and she has no claim on the house - but also hasn’t contributed to buying it.)

But all the stuff about washing clothes once a month, sitting in the dark etc is controlling, and the bit about him harassing her and her family when she’s tried to leave before is very abusive.

Stay at your friend’s OP. Get support from Women’s Aid, plan carefully how and when you’re going to go back for your stuff.

Gosh what a cunt.

Please leave him, your life sounds utterly miserable

Hope you end this op . Now .

My first thought was this sounds just a bad as living in a prison, with the fact that OP’s actually paying to live this way.

OP - This man and his family are abusive. Go back with at least one person with you (more if you can), pack your bags and never return.

Contact Women’s Aid.

I believe that this could be real.
Not the same situation at all, but I have an Uncle who I could see doing this. Decades ago, I spent several months living with my Gran and my then toddler, after my Grandfather had died. I was working, studying and contributing to food and bills with my Gran. Uncle had his own place and was not paying any bills towards my Gran’s household costs but also wanted to spend time a vast amount of time practically living at my Gran’s house. My Uncle eventually thought it was it a good idea to turn off the boiler so my toddler and I would not have hot water for our showers. I left and went back to my place soon after that. Uncle was and still is spiteful and has a lot of mental health issues.

"I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much"

This says everything you need to know, you need to leave now,
Cancel the sky
Get a dog friendly place to rent
Take the dogs
Contact council regarding him not paying proper tax

You are in an emotional and financially abusive relationship and life is too short to spend it like you are. Dogs are great but not a reason to stay with him.

Good to hear you've left, in relation to your stuff I would seriously be thinking about writing that off, depending what it was, at least you wouldn't need to see him again.

as they say get your ducks in order, get planning your release it sounds like prison,plan and get out,

Move out for your own sanity. This is a toxic relationship and you know it.

Wishing you well in your new life and finally found freedom.

You know what you have to do! He's not worth a light, Go now.

Why in God's name would you buy HIS father a father's day card and present, as you say you have your own father.