Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

What an absolute shock this must be.

look after yourself, and give yourself time to process it all too 💐

The dates make no sense, she found out last week, if that was the case her booking appointment wouldn't have even happened by now, nevermind a 12 week scan. I think she knows it could be the other person's or she's known a while, it doesn't add up? She'll have to do a DNA test when the baby arrives, she can go from there when the baby arrives.

In terms of career lots of jobs are remote now, I'm sure she could still do something in her chosen field. I live in the North West and my office is in Central London, I'm home based but go into the office about once a month. She can have her baby and still have a career.

I feel really sorry for her. She's just a kid at the end of the day. She sounds dissociated from reality possibly. In denial and immature, not a bad person - this must be really hard for all of you OP, I'm sorry.

I got accidentally pregnant when I was 18 and had a termination and I remember how scared, vulnerable and beside myself I was when the kind lady at the family planning clinic confirmed I really was pregnant. It really snapped me into an awful reality and I remember feeling really afraid and bawling my eyes out in front of her

It was a no brainer for me though, I knew I couldn't have a baby at that age and didn't want one. It was a mistake and a lesson learned and I don't regret it one bit. It's healthcare after all. I hope she makes the right decision for her but if she was my daughter, I would be strongly urging her to not ruin her life, draw a line under this and build herself up into a mature healthy adult with a good life. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Oh god, where did you get this information from? It is completely false. I’m glad your daughter is fine but your anecdote is not scientific evidence. You were lucky but alcohol can affect the developing foetus from week 5 of a pregnancy and has more of an impact at an early stage. On an individual level, not everyone will be affected in the same way, but at a population level, the relationship between alcohol consumption and foetal
abnormalities is clear. Not everyone who drinks during pregnancy will have a child affected by fetal alcohol syndrome, but fetal alcohol syndrome is caused by alcohol consumption in pregnancy especially in the first trimester.

https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects

I have a similar degree to your daughter and always regretted not working hard enough to pass the civil service graduate tests. I've worked with various people who have built brilliant careers through that scheme and have all the benefits of working in the senior civil service. In my opinion your daughter would be mad to throw away that opportunity and I am confident she would never find anything comparable in the rural north west in terms of development opportunities, earning power and the influence she could have on public policy. She might manage to carve out a decent career in a northern mayors office, but I don't know enough about English regional government to be sure of that, and I imagine the number of opportunities will be limited. She could ask about deferring entry to the civil service scheme for a year, but it's difficult to imagine how she'd manage in London as a single parent with a young baby and a demanding job. If I were her I'd very seriously considering an abortion.

The fast track CS grad job would set your daughter up for life. 🫤

I would think the best thing for her to move on and have a good life would be an abortion. Maybe suggest to her that with all the drug taking and drinking whilst at a crucial time in pregnancy and not knowing who the father is, then an abortion might be preferable to a baby with foetal alcohol syndrome.

i would be encouraging her to keep the graduate job if she could not move back in with you, it really will be a good life and career move.

I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).

Why are you trying to convince her to do this? She is correct that there won't be any jobs comparable or even close to the opportunity to do the CS grad scheme (which is hugely competitive and of which she's done amazingly well to get on) in London. She will be severely limiting her opportunities, her earning opportunities and her chance at a life she wants.

Some of the replies are unecessarily harsh
Op- dd is young and made a mistake as many young people do. She isn’t a bad person or an adulterer- she’s a young person who slipped up.
The pregnancy is a separate matter. If her ex doesn’t want to be involved or there is a question for him over paternity then it’s understandable given the circumstances and the probable shock. Be prepared to support DD to go it alone and when baby is born, arrange a DNA test to confirm paternity, so ex can make an informed decision about his involvement and at the least, pay for his child (if he is indeed Dad)
Your dd clearly doesn’t want an abortion so take that off the table.
In terms if the job- could she defer a year? To give her a chance to look at options? Or reapply next year once she has a clearer idea of what her life will look like.
Op I have supported lots of teen and lone parents and the vast vast majority with good family support go on to have successful lives, jobs and careers. This isn’t a disaster.

Also the drugs and alcohol doesn’t have to be the writing on the wall.
my first pregnant was a huge shock- I found out late and drank and smoked fit the first 10 weeks. Many women do- it’s not ideal but doesn’t condemn the baby to a life of disability either ( in fact that would be unlikely) Your DD just need to be honest with her midwife and the health of the baby will be monitored
Sone if the comments about a vulnerable young woman are awful

Wild that you posted this without reading the thread.

Cant think why shes behaving like this. Poor girl.

OP's DD has an implant, her BF didn't think he was having unprotected sex.

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat I cant.think why a betrayed ex would lie.

The daughter didnt break the trust. She owes her mother squat. The mother broke it.

So her options are:

1. have the baby and raise it alone
2. have the baby and give it up for adoption
3. have a termination.

Definitely worth her speaking to Marie Stopes or BPAS for some counselling about her options, and investigating the possibility of deferring her role. She should look into mat leave and pay entitlements, flexible working policies etc. She should also understand what benefits and support she'd be entitled to, consider when government assisted childcare would kick in etc.

She needs to get into a place where she is thinking about practicality as well as emotion and weighing up her options, not trying to drown the situation with booze and coke which doesn't help her or the baby.

Like PP I'd be concerned about her still having the implant in

And she needs an an STD screen ASAP.

Have read all your updates OP. I feel sorry for the boyfriend who is understandably upset. I do also feel sorry for your DD because this is a mess but I suspect she still hasn’t been fully honest with anyone - the cheating apparently started in February, she’s apparently 12 weeks now. It’s not clear whether there have been more than one other individuals involved.

Depending on what she decides to do and knowing she might not actually have her uni results yet, it’s entirely possible that if she tries to defer the job offer may be rescinded. These jobs are highly competitive. (And yes in theory that discrimination shouldn’t be a thing but surely most of us on here realise it very much is). As others have said she will not qualify for maternity pay.

Apart from head in the sand, continuing to go on benders and use cocaine when she likely knew she was pregnant (albeit also likely terrified and in denial). That needs some discussion but not now. An STI test on the other hand is likely a good idea asap because that will impact on both hers and the foetus health regardless of whether she continues with this pregnancy or not.

Try to keep communication open with her, and let her come to her own decision.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people will defend poor behaviour from females. If this was a bloke who'd been going out getting hammered and coked up, shagging multiple people behind his girlfriends back, putting her at risk of STDs and getting someone pregnant, no one would have anything nice to say.

Yet a female does it and it's all "be nice, poor DD"

She's cheated on her boyfriend at least twice since February. With different people. I think we've strayed outside of "mistake" territory.

This

@warpeacelove She’s still lying to you, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. The first guy she cheated with already let on that it was an affair, not the excuse she came up with, and she obviously knew she was pregnant back when she started mentioning it to her BF. I also think that @PowerBMI nailed it earlier. She likely was hoping that the booze and cocaine would cause a miscarriage up until she lost her boyfriend last week. Then she suddenly wanted to keep it because she was hoping it would tie him to her and he’d believe it was his and everything would go back to normal like before she cheated. She doesn’t care about the baby, she’s just all over the place because she’s behaved in a completely disgusting manner and is now seeing the consequences for herself. It’s good that she’s now talking about termination. I spent three years working with children that had FASD and/or had been born to mothers that were using drugs and it is horrific. The way they struggle, and the fact that you can only do so much for them, is so heartbreaking. And yes, some of them used early on and quit and the children were still permanently damaged.

As for the thread itself, I’m not sure which is worse. The pro-life people angrily trying to quash all discussion of abortion or the misogynists trying to trivialize the daughter’s behaviour and claim that all women act like this at this age.

Stop trying to convince her to give up a great job. I’d be very much in favour of a termination esp with alcohol and cocaine use. She has a great opportunity ahead of her, let her move on and live her life.

Ah I feel sorry for everyone here. Yes your DD has screwed up but didn't most of us in our teens and early 20s? I know I did - not cheating but certainly drink/drugs/ill-advised relationships/casual sex/general irresponsibility. It was pure chance that none of the mistakes I made had longer term ramifications! I also feel terribly sorry for her ex, who is no doubt dealing with a broken heart and deep hurt while also adjusting to the possibility of being forever tied to the person who caused this and having the responsibility of a child he doesn't want. And of course I feel sorry for you OP. It's a lot to deal with!

Personally I feel that an abortion is her best option. The CS fast stream is incredibly competitive and an amazing opportunity and I feel that she will deeply regret giving that up to become a young single mother, attempting to co-parent with a potentially unwilling father (whether that is her ex or the guy she cheated with). I don't think you should try and push her into it but in your place I would make very clear that if she keeps the child the responsibility (financial and practical) is hers - she may be assuming that you'll basically co-parent with her. I would be clear that while you'll be there for her emotionally she will need to step up as this child's primary carer. And yes, make sure she understands the possibility of FAS - from what I understand it's not quite such a certain or highly probable outcome as many are saying the fact remains that there is a much increased chance of issues due to her drinking and drug taking.

Good luck OP x

Honestly, I think she should have an abortion, take the job and move on with her life.

Is it? Have you actually read any of the thread? Ops daughter has definitely cheated at least once in the possible conception period, has admitted getting wasted and waking up next to a random bloke slightly before that and has shown herself to be an untrustworthy liar. Her ex would be stupid to trust that he's actually the father without a dna test.