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Original poster

Is DDs ex being unfair

470 replies

warpeacelove · 18/07/2023 16:19

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

OP posts:
jennyjones198080 · 19/07/2023 08:34

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2023 08:27

She's currently on a fast track to a tory cabinet post.

I really hope that the bf isn't the father, he really doesn't need to be permanently tied to the hot mess that is currently the OPs daughter.

There's no guarantee that DD will become a good mother, particularly if the child gets blamed for reducing her opportunities. OP needs to be prepared for becoming the de facto parent of the child.

You are mixing up politicians with civil servants. Yes it’s a good job but there are much better paying graduate opportunities out there. And it is highly unlikely she will make the jump to be a Tory minister!

BillyNoM8s · 19/07/2023 08:35

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:32

Unless presumably you actually were able and happy to?

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Obviously Confused

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:36

BillyNoM8s · 19/07/2023 08:31

It's possible to offer love and support while also be horrified by someone's actions.

Obviously OP needs to support her child emotionally, but that doesn't mean she has to approve of the ridiculous way she's been carrying on.

She's 21, not 15.

Me supporting my 21 year old would be listening to them decide if they want to proceed with the pregnancy or not, and helping them sorting out their living arrangements etc if they do proceed. It wouldn't be me offering to financially support and raise a child for them.

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I do think it depends on the situation.
Where I live there are few properties for rent. Difficult for working professionals to be accepted let alone someone on benefits.
I don't think I could kick my own child and grandchild out to live in a temp BnB ...

If there's plenty of housing etc crack on.

Also childcare so the girl can carry on with a professional job would be more helpful in the long term ensuring she could support herself and the child but then again plenty of parents still work and can't help with this anyway

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2023 08:43

@AvanGelist @jennyjones198080

She cheats, has illegitimate child, lies and only fesses up when caught out, takes drugs, struggles to deal with real life and expects to get a plum job while everyone else picks up the pieces. She'd be right at home in the cabinet ;)

I'm well aware of the CS fast track and all it entails.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 19/07/2023 08:45

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:25

Odd message @AvanGelist given the issue

Thank you.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 19/07/2023 08:46

Quitelikeit · 18/07/2023 16:29

Has she definitely got the implant in? Surely that is dangerous? Needs to be out ASAP

It is almost impossible .. unless this implant was put in 12 weeks ago

Yes it should be removed if the pregnancy is to continue

Ingrowncrotchhair · 19/07/2023 08:47

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:32

Insults they'd never say to someone IRL of course ...

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Oh I’d definitely call someone who is repeatedly and persistently spreading misinformation a loon, to their face. Would call them worse, actually

olympicsrock · 19/07/2023 08:48

AuntieStella · 18/07/2023 16:56

What she has to face up to is that it's over between them.

And that he is uninterested in fatherhood. Yes, I know it's unfair that men can just walk away, but that's what he says he's doing and as you can't stop him from doing that, you/she may as well get used to the idea. There isn't going to be any worthwhile co-parenting going on.

So yes she can pursue him for child maintenance idc (at which point he'll probably insist on a DNA test, as it sounds likely that he doesn't believe her account of events and timings).

I think the best thing you can do is focus your DD on the future and what she wants to do. It's great that you are so supportive and have offered a very generous amount of practical support. But she is the one who is pregnant, and she is the one who needs to be making the plans, working out how she will cope as a single parent in the short and medium term.

(And she needs to get on with it - agree that no-one should be encouraged to abort, but if this is an option for her then she needs to have thought it through whilst there is still time to act)

This…

Sarfar45 · 19/07/2023 08:49

Your poor dd. I would just be there for her, at the moment everything is very raw. Her ex must be very upset at the moment but will probably calm down.

Beezknees · 19/07/2023 08:58

I think this situation will make or break her.

OP, I fell pregnant when I was 17 under fairly chaotic circumstances, I was in a relationship with my baby's father but he scarpered not long after DS was born, I also drank and smoked cannabis before I knew I was pregnant, I did stop immediately when I found out and luckily DS was fine.

Your DD needs to have a serious think. She's an adult and must take responsibility for her own life choices. If she wants to have this baby, she needs to be completely prepared to do it all alone. You can't force a man to be involved if he doesn't want to. Is it fair? No. But life isn't fair, and she will discover that pretty quickly.

I raised my child all alone since I was 18, yes it absolutely affected my job prospects, I have been unable to buy a home as I can't afford to, I had to stay at home in my 20s while my friends partied and travelled and had careers.

I should point out that I do not regret a single thing, but that is the reality of it and that will be her life. She needs to really consider if that is what she wants.

It's good that you want to help, but it's her child and she must take responsibility. She needs to be a parent to this baby. That isn't your role.

Sarfar45 · 19/07/2023 08:59

To be honest it doesn't really matter how she got pregnant. She mucked up ! It just matters what happens from here. Whatever she chooses will be hard, so all you can do is support her.

Pipsquiggle · 19/07/2023 09:01

DD's ex has every right to be pissed off and distant. Your DD has treated him very, very badly and made some poor choices.

If she does have the baby I suspect the ex would want a DNA test before deciding how much he wants to get involved.

To all those saying she's an adult - yes she is but getting to 18 /21 doesn't automatically give you wisdom. The brain doesn't stop forming until 25. I still needed my parents help/advice in my early and mid 20s over stuff far less serious than what this DD is going through.

I would definitely be suggesting a termination. She has a great opportunity in the CS which simply cannot be replicated in NW rural England

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/07/2023 09:03

In her situation I would 100% have an abortion. She's not even ready to be in a monogamous relationship never mind become a parent. She needs to spend some time getting to know herself.

RoyalGala · 19/07/2023 09:27

Having just read the OP again, I am a little baffled why the main point of the post is whether her BF is being unfair.
I think we know that if a parent was posting here that her DS slept with two women behind his GF’s back and got one of the women pregnant, exposed the GF to STD’s and was taking drugs and binge drinking. There would not be an understanding or positive comment in sight and the parent would be advised to throw out the ‘cheating scumbag’ DS.
OP I don’t mean this insensitively but it seems like you’re wanting to project onto the BF, who is innocent in all of this, the real issues lie with your DD.
You need to make it clear how far you will support her if she continues with the pregnancy, it’s likely that you will be taking on most of the responsibility for the baby, she doesn’t sound mature enough to be a parent.
For now: I’d be seeking counselling and seeing what the next best steps will be.
Having the implant removed (if she definitely has one).
Having an STD test, as if she’s had multiple sexual partners, she would also be exposed to them.
If she continues with the pregnancy, the BF will likely want a DNA test, I would also be strongly advising my DS if he was in this situation to have one.
I wouldn’t pussy-foot around and I would let my DD know that these things are the result of her own doing and poor choices but I would also provide support at the same time.

ThereIsThat · 19/07/2023 09:32

I'd be curious about the implant too. It's extremely rare to get pregnant if you have the implant.

Wheresthebeach · 19/07/2023 09:58

Of all the things you are dealing with thinking the cheated on ex is being unfair is the least of your worries. This is a hot mess and he’s right to distance himself. Concentrate on your DD, look at her awful behaviour and get her some help. Your deflecting onto the ex as a distraction.

Original poster
warpeacelove · 19/07/2023 12:21

Thanks everyone. She went out last night, apparently a drive but didn't come back until 3 in the morning.
This morning she has told me wants an abortion and has asked me to come with her. She is keen to keep her career prospects and says she had planned an abortion anyway until she went for the scan.

Little surprised at the people suggesting she made the whole thing up, it is one thing to cheat/lie about dates etc. another to make up a whole pregnancy!! DD isn't that good of an actress!!

Who knows where she went last night but clearly it changed her mind.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/07/2023 12:23

warpeacelove · 19/07/2023 12:21

Thanks everyone. She went out last night, apparently a drive but didn't come back until 3 in the morning.
This morning she has told me wants an abortion and has asked me to come with her. She is keen to keep her career prospects and says she had planned an abortion anyway until she went for the scan.

Little surprised at the people suggesting she made the whole thing up, it is one thing to cheat/lie about dates etc. another to make up a whole pregnancy!! DD isn't that good of an actress!!

Who knows where she went last night but clearly it changed her mind.

Good she’s speaking to you. I’d encourage her to arrange asap and be supportive of her. Fwiw it sounds like a sensible decision for her.

Beezknees · 19/07/2023 12:27

It sounds sensible. I don't think she's ready for a baby.

Whataretheodds · 19/07/2023 12:29

ThereIsThat · 19/07/2023 09:32

I'd be curious about the implant too. It's extremely rare to get pregnant if you have the implant.

It happened twice to a friend of mine.

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 12:29

Sounds like a sensible decision.

She sounds very immature and casual about her safety.

IMO having a child in these circumstances is a disaster.

She needs to place more value on her life and future.

Having a child alone is a huge life changing decision.

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 12:32

Whataretheodds · 19/07/2023 12:29

It happened twice to a friend of mine.

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Heard this too.

I would be telling her she needs condoms as additional contraception and to protect her sexual health.

I would be telling mybgirls to NEVER have sex with anyone who hasn't the BASIC cop on to have protection with them.

I tell this to my son's too.

As women carry the can for failed contraception, they need to be all over it.

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 12:39

Your daughter didn’t come back until 3am after saying she was going for a drive…. And you didn’t call the police given her frame of mind?

what did she say re where she’d been?

Original poster
warpeacelove · 19/07/2023 12:49

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 12:39

Your daughter didn’t come back until 3am after saying she was going for a drive…. And you didn’t call the police given her frame of mind?

what did she say re where she’d been?

She is an adult, I messaged her before I went to bed asking when she would be back/if she had a key etc, she replied with later tonight, I'm all good you can go to sleep.
This morning she said a drive and a "friends" considering we live rurally I know most of her friends so my money is on her having gone to a guys, I don't need to pry any further into that.

OP posts:
OhNoYouDidnnt · 19/07/2023 12:51

Shes made the right decision. She is nowhere near ready for a responsibility like that. And all the drink and drugs could have caused harm to the baby, she definitely isn't ready for a child with additional needs as she doesn't sound too great at looking after herself yet.