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Original poster

Is DDs ex being unfair

470 replies

warpeacelove · 18/07/2023 16:19

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 19/07/2023 02:17

So looks like you will be raising this child, so for the childs sake I would have a paternity test done

staciea31 · 19/07/2023 02:51

I’m never ever amazed just how judgemental some human beings can be , I am so sorry your going through this op sending my love all these people who quick to judge your dd clearly don’t know how to offer love and support

MumGMT · 19/07/2023 02:55

BillyNoM8s · 18/07/2023 22:20

It never ceases to amaze me how many people will defend poor behaviour from females. If this was a bloke who'd been going out getting hammered and coked up, shagging multiple people behind his girlfriends back, putting her at risk of STDs and getting someone pregnant, no one would have anything nice to say.

Yet a female does it and it's all "be nice, poor DD"

She's cheated on her boyfriend at least twice since February. With different people. I think we've strayed outside of "mistake" territory.

It must be obligatory for someone to say this these days on every thread but like is very rarely compared to like.

I've seen numerous threads on here over the years from mothers of young men who have got themselves in a mess, sometimes pregnancy related, and while many will say he's an idiot and they'd be devastated if it was their son, there are many who say they feel for him and they have compassion, often posters will say both!

Also, while no mother would want a boyfriend for their young daughter like that, most posters on here also do not judge very young men for their behaviour if they grow up, mature and leave that behaviour behind.

MintJulia · 19/07/2023 03:09

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/07/2023 16:26

I don't think you can expect him to suddenly be supportive, also remember that he has lost all trust in her and its really understandable he doesn't believe the baby is his. You need to prep her for going it alone.

This. Give him time though, he may come round to the idea.

Your dd needs to make a tough decision. Either she has a termination and sticks with her London job, or she comes home, goes it alone as a single mum, with your support, and finds another way to build her career.

Being in London, and paying for a flat and full time childcare on a grad salary won't work.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 19/07/2023 04:35

warpeacelove · 18/07/2023 17:20

Still at uni, sitting exams.

Show quote history

It's actually 10 weeks ago that matters since pregnancies are dated from last menstrual period and conception is usually 12-14 days after that.

It sounds like the lifes she wants right now really isn't conducive to being a mother, let alone a single mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting to party and travel in your early 20s, but it's a massive change to go from that to single motherhood, is she ready to let that go? If this was my DD I'd be being very frank with her about what single motherhood would entail, what she would have to give up. I'd be worried she'd regret it if she ended up having the baby.

AffIt · 19/07/2023 04:39

I'm putting a monkey on the OP's daughter not actually being being pregnant at all: there's a hell of a lot about her story (the DD, not the OP) that doesn't pass the sniff test.

Be prepared for a dramatic MC in the next week or so.

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 04:46

AffIt · 19/07/2023 04:39

I'm putting a monkey on the OP's daughter not actually being being pregnant at all: there's a hell of a lot about her story (the DD, not the OP) that doesn't pass the sniff test.

Be prepared for a dramatic MC in the next week or so.

If my DD did this

i would be a heck of a lot more disturbed and worried than I would be about the situation the OP outlines

Codlingmoths · 19/07/2023 05:02

I’d have to say to her a baby is a helpless tiny fragile creature that needs total love and care. They can be damaged irreversibly by alcohol and drugs while pregnant, and when I say I support you I cannot support you to do that to a baby. You need to either decide you aren’t ready for a baby and terminate, or commit to it, and no more alcohol or drugs.

id be so so worried she’s already harmed the baby, and I couldn’t sit back and be supportive of this behaviour.

TrishM80 · 19/07/2023 05:15

Grumpy101 · 18/07/2023 22:38

Her relationship with her ex is none of your business. Whether she cheated or not is irrelevant. Only the two people in that relationship know what happened. She is pregnant, has decided to keep it amd be a single parent and she needs to make some tough decisions. I don't think giving up her job is a good idea and do you really want to support and take care of a baby now?

Let her decide her own future and support her in that.

I think the fact that she's been made into a de facto intermediary between the daughter and the ex, means that their relationship is now very much her business.

Erdinger · 19/07/2023 06:02

I think under the circumstances you and your DD need to accept that the ex BF may not accept or acknowledge the baby. Especially without a DNA test.

MySugarBabyLove · 19/07/2023 06:21

There is far too much about this that doesn’t add up.

She’s been using drugs, binge drinking, sleeping around since February and suddenly when her ex discovers what she’s doing she realises she’s pregnant.

I would put money on her not being pregnant at all and this being a manipulation tactic to win back her ex.

cariadlet · 19/07/2023 06:23

For those who doubt the scan, my daughter recently found out that she was pregnant.

She got a scan extremely quickly. Luckily, it confirmed that the pregnancy was under 10 weeks so she has been able to have a medical abortion rather than a surgical one.

I believe that the op's daughter could have had a scan which then confirmed that she was 12 weeks.

MySugarBabyLove · 19/07/2023 06:23

And I agree with PP, I would expect a sudden mC in the next week or so, or her announcing that she’s decided to have an abortion and wants to do it alone.

LosingTheBelly · 19/07/2023 06:38

babyproblems · 18/07/2023 20:47

I doubt his reaction will stick- let him get over the shock. Definitely do a DNA test and show him that; and do all you can to support your daughter and him to have a civil relationship at the very least. Perhaps there is some hope for them- I think those saying she cheated so he’s in the right and being very harsh. They’re young and she’s made a mistake by cheating. He doesn’t have to be an arsehole to her given all that’s happened. Time to grow up pronto. If I was in your shoes @warpeacelove I’d take the extra boyf out for lunch or a drink and try to calm the waters. Huge shock for him and he’s clearly in a bad place heartbroken etc. Id be asking DD if she’s certain it’s his, and then I’d be doing all I could to build bridges in all directions and helping them to all slowly reconnect. Best of luck to you xx

It's not the OPs responsibility or place to build bridges and try and smooth over troubled waters.

The daughter is an adult and has to learn how to handle her own relationships - or ex relationships.

The OP has already overstepped IMO.

LosingTheBelly · 19/07/2023 06:41

TrishM80 · 19/07/2023 05:15

I think the fact that she's been made into a de facto intermediary between the daughter and the ex, means that their relationship is now very much her business.

Show quote history

OP should step out and away. She is only a defacto intermediary because she has allowed herself to be. Time for the daughter to step up herself without her mum doing everything for her. It's not the primary school playground where the mum might have to talk to the teacher about friendship issues.

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:23

LosingTheBelly · 19/07/2023 06:41

OP should step out and away. She is only a defacto intermediary because she has allowed herself to be. Time for the daughter to step up herself without her mum doing everything for her. It's not the primary school playground where the mum might have to talk to the teacher about friendship issues.

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Do primary school friendship issues involve an unborn baby, drinking, drugs, career prospects?

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:23

Ingrowncrotchhair · 19/07/2023 00:18

Stop with this alarmist and incorrect tale of severely disabled child because she did cocaine and had alcohol. It depends on how much, when, how many times. So many factors you have no idea about. You loon.

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You look 🤣 wow you must be fun at parties

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:25

Odd message @AvanGelist given the issue

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:26

LosingTheBelly · 19/07/2023 06:41

OP should step out and away. She is only a defacto intermediary because she has allowed herself to be. Time for the daughter to step up herself without her mum doing everything for her. It's not the primary school playground where the mum might have to talk to the teacher about friendship issues.

Show quote history

It's very strange.
So many posts on the 'OPs daughter is an adult OP should MYOB' but the OP is also expected to be 'supportive'
In practical terms this will mean childcare and financial support.
People can't have it both ways! It's a big life change for OP too if she's expected to help that much.

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2023 08:27

She's currently on a fast track to a tory cabinet post.

I really hope that the bf isn't the father, he really doesn't need to be permanently tied to the hot mess that is currently the OPs daughter.

There's no guarantee that DD will become a good mother, particularly if the child gets blamed for reducing her opportunities. OP needs to be prepared for becoming the de facto parent of the child.

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:27

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:25

Odd message @AvanGelist given the issue

I just find the insult really funny, also people who get angry enough to insult strangers on the internet

But this thread isn't about me, it's about OP

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:28

Isthisreasonable · 19/07/2023 08:27

She's currently on a fast track to a tory cabinet post.

I really hope that the bf isn't the father, he really doesn't need to be permanently tied to the hot mess that is currently the OPs daughter.

There's no guarantee that DD will become a good mother, particularly if the child gets blamed for reducing her opportunities. OP needs to be prepared for becoming the de facto parent of the child.

You realise that there are loads of civil service steams right?
Some are just ordinary jobs. Just for the government..

BillyNoM8s · 19/07/2023 08:31

staciea31 · 19/07/2023 02:51

I’m never ever amazed just how judgemental some human beings can be , I am so sorry your going through this op sending my love all these people who quick to judge your dd clearly don’t know how to offer love and support

It's possible to offer love and support while also be horrified by someone's actions.

Obviously OP needs to support her child emotionally, but that doesn't mean she has to approve of the ridiculous way she's been carrying on.

She's 21, not 15.

Me supporting my 21 year old would be listening to them decide if they want to proceed with the pregnancy or not, and helping them sorting out their living arrangements etc if they do proceed. It wouldn't be me offering to financially support and raise a child for them.

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:32

AvanGelist · 19/07/2023 08:27

I just find the insult really funny, also people who get angry enough to insult strangers on the internet

But this thread isn't about me, it's about OP

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Insults they'd never say to someone IRL of course ...

Hateitissues · 19/07/2023 08:32

BillyNoM8s · 19/07/2023 08:31

It's possible to offer love and support while also be horrified by someone's actions.

Obviously OP needs to support her child emotionally, but that doesn't mean she has to approve of the ridiculous way she's been carrying on.

She's 21, not 15.

Me supporting my 21 year old would be listening to them decide if they want to proceed with the pregnancy or not, and helping them sorting out their living arrangements etc if they do proceed. It wouldn't be me offering to financially support and raise a child for them.

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Unless presumably you actually were able and happy to?

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