Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

She really should have a termination, she’s clearly not ready to be a mum, will have no support from the father and the CS fast stream is an amazing opportunity that she will miss out on. I also think she’s still lying to you.

Please don’t convince her to have this baby, it’s not fair on her if that’s not what she wants or is ready for and it’s not fair on the baby. It’s her decision and I wouldn’t try to force her into anything, but would be very blunt with her about what life will be like, what she will miss out on and the potential consequences of the drink and drugs to the baby and hope she makes the right decision.

Even if she somehow magically transformed into a mature adult ready to raise a child over night she’s still sacrificing an incredible opportunity, has no way of supporting herself and this baby and will be a single mum, there is also a chance the drink and drugs have harmed the baby and they may have complex needs and health problems.

Her relationship with her ex is none of your business. Whether she cheated or not is irrelevant. Only the two people in that relationship know what happened. She is pregnant, has decided to keep it amd be a single parent and she needs to make some tough decisions. I don't think giving up her job is a good idea and do you really want to support and take care of a baby now?

Let her decide her own future and support her in that.

It's not about her body. It's about the future of the potential child. She has been drinking, she is not thinking of future of the child. If it was her body in the sense, her arm, leg, then I would understand your logic. Of course, nobody should force her but her mother should make it clear what her choices are and how they may shape up her future.

She does not want to be a single parent as per the OP

I agree with this. How can worrying about blame help? Maybe if you were the bf or the mother of the bf I’d understand but really your only role here is to support your DD impartially and to gently nudge her towards good decisions. I agree with others, she should be open with midwife and get advice on health risks. She should look to defer, no need to give up because she has a baby (even with less support) or there’d be half the amount of people in the civil service.

I think it’s worth barring in mind that these are both young people. Yes its bad to cheat on your bf but everyone sleeping with everyone else seemed to be part of the learning experience at uni as far as I could tell. (not that I managed to sleep with anyone 😂) Some couples are on again/off again eventually mature and get married to each other or eventually mature and go on to meet someone else and have a serious committed adult relationship. Unfortunately for your DD, she fell pregnant in the midst of this.

Im not sure you have to worry about her level of maturity and bad decisions up to this point as whichever decision she makes about the baby she is now properly becoming an adult and is living with the consequences of her poor judgment. No need to pressure her in any direction or make her feel guilty.

It is reasonable however to point out to her that being 100% honest with everyone is the best course of action going forward.

Also be ready to raise the kid born with alcohol syndrome because dd has been having bottomless brunches, cocaine.
I am feeling very sorry for OP.
There is a limit to kids being messy and parents picking up the shit. She is an adult, going to be a mother in 6 months.

This!

I would be encouraging her to have an abortion.

She sounds completely irresponsible and if she has the baby you’ll be looking after it.

The foetus could have been exposed to drugs and has been exposed to alcohol. She possibly knew she was doing this to her child.

The boyfriend knows she’s been cheating. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.

I think you and your DH shouldn’t make it easy for her to throw her future away.

@WhatsupWhatsApp She has no choice. She needs to realize that. She can't make anyone do anything. If she wants a baby at 21, that's her doing.

Will she really be able to look after a baby? She’s so far taken drugs and alcohol while knowing she could be pregnant. She’s already harming the baby and not caring enough to stop. I think she needs to abort unfortunately and hopefully this is a huge turning point in her behaviour and maturity. Also the civil service grad scheme - what does it say in terms of the location on the contract? I thought they could move you anywhere at anytime depending on the needs of the role for that scheme. If so, I don’t see it as a realistic option for a single mum even if she deferred a year. I’ve seen companies move people off those schemes when they have children for that reason.

In your shoes, OP, I'd encourage her to get some counselling to help her work through her choices. She can then decide what to do herself.

I think she should take the job but see if she can defer a year, do that. but it has to be her decision.

I feel sorry for you and her and the boyfriend. However, she needs to start a healthy life now if she is going to continue with this pregnancy.

To those saying OP should encourage abortion because the CS is a great opportunity etc. What do you think an abortion she didn't want would do? She has shown a tendency towards to the self destructive binge drinking and drugs. Make an already vunerable 21 yo have a termination that isn't their choice is a recipe for disaster. Terminations can have life long impacts on mental health. She may well end up not mentally capable of taking on the scheme or behaving in such a way that she gets kicked off.

She needs proper counselling and to face up to her actions, the hurt she has caused, and make a plan for going forward. OP needs to support her not push her one way or another. Take her to counselling, hold her hand while she tells the medical professionals how she has been behaving in regards to drugs and alcohol the past 12 weeks, hold her hand at the clinic if thats the route she chooses. OP can and should insist on some ground rules regarding certain things should the daughter choose to keep the baby (such as telling medical professionals about the drugs etc ) but shouldn't influence the choice.

Does she really have to give up the job. Most civil service jobs involve a lot of remote working. There are regional hubs.

Bizarre post. Remote working means you’re working - you can’t work from home and simultaneously look after a newborn. It’s not a childcare solution. It’s not about travel.

This grad scheme is intense & competitive, you’re given performance reviews after every placement and can be kicked off the scheme for not meeting your expectations, so it requires 100% effort. It’s not a standard job. No one singlehandedly caring for a newborn at home can give 100% to their job - if the baby needs attention you will have to drop what you’re doing with work as they can’t fend for themselves like older children could.

Your daughter has some serious thinking to do. Alcohol and cocaine are the two substances with the most known links to harm to children's developing brains. Particularly at the earlier stages. It would be a tall order and massive lifestyle change for her to find a way to fund housing and paying childcare in London while working long hours. Has she thought about getting pregnancy counselling?

I think the BF is within his right to distance himself from her, considering her behaviour and he has no responsibility to the baby until a DNA test confirms if he is intact the father.

Your daughter needs to have an honest discussion about everything. She needs to admit to what she's been doing and then she needs counselling to decide what to do with the pregnancy.

She doesn't sound responsible enough to raise a child, let alone a disabled child (which could possible happen given she's been drinking heavily and doing drugs whilst pregnant).

Stop with this alarmist and incorrect tale of severely disabled child because she did cocaine and had alcohol. It depends on how much, when, how many times. So many factors you have no idea about. You loon.

He will probably come round

I really REALLY hope the pregnancy isn't from the Ex Boyfriend who was cheated on.
Not surprised he is horrified and wants nothing to do with it- he's probably in shock. Don't blame him, either.

Binge drinking and cocaine..Ouch.

The fetus will have been subjected to these toxins at a critical stage in development. I'd not want to take that chance.

Far better to have a child when one is older, in a stable relationship and sober.

Alcohol use in the first three months of pregnancy can cause the baby to have abnormal facial features. Growth and central nervous system problems (e.g., low birthweight, behavioural problems) can occur from alcohol use anytime during pregnancy.
It might not cross the placenta until 10/12 weeks but alcohol from the mother's bloodstream can pass into the yolk sac.

That's an easy thing to happen when one has very irreguIar periods, especiaIIy when one is reIigious about effective birth controI (the DD has an impIant, with me it was the piII, no impIants in those days). I was about 12 weeks in when I reaIized that I was pregnant. I had feIt SOMETHING, but faintIy, and put it down to gas.

If she keeps the baby I would insist on a paternity test if I was her ex.

I agree completely with @BillyNoM8s. Maybe she is mentally unwell or has some deep seated trauma so drinking, being unfaithful and using cocaine but no baby deserves a Mum like that.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable in the short term at all and it must be a very difficult situation for him.

But whatever the circumstances it’s also a horrible situation for you and awful for your daughter too. I hope everyone can come through this as best they can. Remember whatever ends up happening it does pass and things will get easier.