He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

[grassverge]

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

Things you will lose if you marry him:

1. Half your house when he divorces you (leaving you less able to provide for your child)
2. Your self-esteem (priceless and difficult to recover)
3. 20k wedding fees (money already spent, it's gone, so nothing to lose and buttons in the grand scheme of things, see Pt 1 above)

Something similar happened a friend of mine. She married him. He divorced her 6 months later. Nobody questioned the divorce, we all saw it coming. But we did question why she married him in the first place.

Claire can get a lodger to help pay the mortgage and not have to carry Arsey Alfie and his other kids. He clearly doesn’t know what he wants and she should bin him. ASAP

Poor Claire! LTB and sue him for the cost of the wedding

I know someone who had their wedding called off by her fiance 3 days before. At the time she was gutted and heartbroken, but a few years later she met her soul mate and had 2 children. They are still together 25 years later and she is so glad she didn't marry her ex or try to force him to change his mind.

1. She needs to get a lawyer
2. He needs to move out NOW.
3. No way must she marry him. This is a crazy idea.
4. Can she 'auction' / sell the wedding arrangements to another couple, even if she has to make a loss? Something retrieved is better than nothing!

If Claire is that stupid, just leave her to it.

Theres no point telling some people, she's got more money than sense.

Absolutely this! IADNAL, but Clare's legal position is surely stronger now than after the wedding (assuming that she doesn't have a watertight pre-nup agreement, of course).

*Claire! Not sure why autocarrot preferred "Clare" - although it could've been my own fault I suppose. Need to put my fingers on a diet...

Poor Claire, how awful. Until she can think clearly gently feedback that postponing the wedding could give her more options in every way. She deserves better. It’s a disloyal and irresponsible man who dumps her in it like this.

c

As a pp said - there isnt going to be a wedding. If he doesn't want to marry her, surely he won't turn up????
OP - please try hard to make her see that this wedding would be a disaster for all the reasons outlined in pp.
Big hand hold for Claire.

It's not old fashioned. It's very wise.

A friend called off his (small, relatively inexpensive) wedding the night before the ceremony. We were relieved - it wasn't exactly a match made in heaven. It was back on again a few months later, which made it very awkward given what we had all said to him about his beloved.

The ceremony went ahead the second time around, but the marriage didn't last long and everything was much more complicated than it would have been if he'd just come to terms with reality when his fiancée first told him that she didn't love him.

This is a terrible situation. She must realise it won't last if he dosnt love her, marriage is hard enough (at times) even when there IS love. Are you sure she's not just going through with the wedding to save face? You said she's embarrassed? She shouldn't feel embarrassed....he should as it will show the world what a nob he is. However, if she absolutely feels she must go through with it, just make sure she gets a pre nup. But if she does cancel she might not be able to get all the money back but I'm sure she'll get a lot of it back. Better lose a bit of money now than a lot later on. But a pre-nuptial is essential so make sure she sees a lawyer immediately.

@TheBiologyStupid Loving autocarrot!!
😂😂

I haven’t read the whole thread but suggest Claire uses the £20k in sunk costs to spend time with her friends and family and throw a massive “Alfie is a dickhead” party. Look out the Gloria Gaynor and off you all go.

Good god she needs to get her 300k out of that house and run!

Why get married? Out of embarrassment? How ridiculous especially once they are married he will be entitled to half of everything, she should get out now while she can and protect herself financially and emotionally

I married someone who didn’t love me, though I didn’t know that at the time.

made him very easy for him to be incredibly spiteful during our marriage, our divorce and even now.

I spent a whole lot more than £20k on t he divorce and lost a whole lot of me and my life that will sadly never return.

may seem hard now. Will be a whole lot harder after they’re married…

OP don't marry him!

Many years ago now, my fiancé called off our wedding 10 days before the date. I ran home to my mum from the home we owned between us. She helped me contact guests.Much later he told me he had to field loads of calls from people phoning to offer support etc…to me, which he felt a bit hurt by, tough. Not one said to him/me/ my family that my life being (as I thought at the time) destroyed was an inconvenience to them. Loads of people did say it was better now than after the wedding. It took me years to recognise this was right.
Not saying my life has been rosebuds and unicorns ever since, but it can only be the right thing if someone has fallen out of, or never was, in love with the other, unless it is purely a business arrangement which it does not sound like this was.
I hope Claire will be ok, if she marries him it will be much harder.
He is being cowardly to not take charge and own his decision.

Don't do it!!! My friends hubby to be told her cruelly 2 days before their wedding that he had been having an 18 month affair that only ended that week as he 'couldn't be bothered with the lies'..,

He was so cold and says that it was easier if they stayed together and could make it work. She was numb and only told 2 friends myself included. She went ahead even though we begged her not too.

8 weeks after she fully processed and came to her senses left him got a location move to a different country with work and divorced him!

@grassverge just a question - what was the dynamic or quality of the relationship? Is it possible Claire was more invested and was the one actually pushing for this wedding and just wouldn’t take a hint from Alfie? Even now, she seems determined to go ahead with the wedding. People might vilify Alfie all they want but maybe he’s been ‘trying to tell her’ for a long time, but she just wasn’t picking up the signals? I don’t think guys just cancel weddings out of the blue. He probably was having doubts for a while. Let me have your thoughts

My friend got married and it turned out that her new wife was busy with someone else behind her back before the wedding and only went through with the wedding because she wanted a nice day. This all came to light within a few months and how my friend wished her ex had cancelled the wedding rather than going through with it. Would have been so much less financial hassle and upset.

She should get rid now before he costs her a lot more than he already has. Don’t give him anymore than he’s gave which sounds like zilch