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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 14:00

@TwistAgain she is hoping she can convince him to change his mind.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 14:04

That's heartbreaking, she's clinging to a dream. Is she thinking its cold feet?

It might be easier mentally for her to "postpone" the wedding, rather than cancel it.

If that makes sense, take the pressure off and they can see how they feel in a few months time.

ClawedButler · 18/07/2023 14:18

Sadly, I think that if you have to convince someone to marry you, it's never ever going to work.

I can see why she is desperate to hold onto the semblance of the life she thought she'd have, but AT BEST it would be a sham marriage, and they'd both be miserable for the few weeks or months it staggered on for.

She needs some time and space to process this, and accept that it is indeed happening, however much she wishes it wasn't. I think it's the not accepting it that's keeping the hope alive, and it's the hope that's torturing her.

But she must be brought to see that he does not need her permission to leave the relationship, nor her permission to call off the wedding. You cannot force someone to love you or marry you. He doesn't want to marry her, and unfortunately there is nothing she can say, do or promise that will change that. He might agree to it, but it would be under duress - and in my book that makes it meaningless.

ToxicBiennial · 18/07/2023 14:22

he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire

Clearly there will be no wedding. There is no other outcome. A man who tells her he doesn’t love her or want to marry her 2 weeks before the wedding is hardly likely to actually turn up is he.

Claire is definitely better off out of it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/07/2023 14:39

Moneynewpence · 18/07/2023 12:37

Why would she have to cover their outfits? They've bought clothes which can be worn again....

Show quote history

I didn't mean that she should, but to use the point to illustrate how little a cancelled wedding would cost compared to what she would lose in a divorce.

I can't see why she wants to marry him.....no contribution to the house deposit no contribution to the wedding....sounds like a scrounger.

WolfFoxHare · 18/07/2023 14:41

OMG. He doesn't want to marry her for her money - he doesn't want to marry her! AND if they are already joint-owners of the house they have a mortgage on together, he HAS his hands on her money, unless she ring-fenced her deposit.

She doesn't need to decide whether to call off the marriage - he's already done that. She needs to go to a solicitor and work out how much of her deposit she's going to lose.

Lifechangesalot · 18/07/2023 14:55

WolfFoxHare · 18/07/2023 14:41

OMG. He doesn't want to marry her for her money - he doesn't want to marry her! AND if they are already joint-owners of the house they have a mortgage on together, he HAS his hands on her money, unless she ring-fenced her deposit.

She doesn't need to decide whether to call off the marriage - he's already done that. She needs to go to a solicitor and work out how much of her deposit she's going to lose.

This

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/07/2023 15:51

He should really have realised that before the child not the wedding. How cruel.

There's no point getting married. If he paid nothing on the house he should agree she keeps it and takes over the mortgage. He takes his children and goes elsewhere.

greyhairnomore · 18/07/2023 15:52

grassverge · 18/07/2023 14:00

@TwistAgain she is hoping she can convince him to change his mind.

Why would you want someone to marry you who doesn't want to ?

Turfwars · 18/07/2023 15:54

He's called it off already. Tell Alfie to put his balls back on and give him a list of guests and HE can ring them and tell them it's off. Not her, she's got enough going on with the heartbreak he dumped on her.

FWIW, this happened to my cousin many years ago. Except the fucker left her to call all the guests and vendors. She met him exactly once after he jilted her, at the bank to close off their joint finances. To this day I'm full of admiration at what a pragmatic badass she was, buying him out and taking him at his word with dignity. A year later he did come crawling back, and she laughingly told him to fuck off. She met someone not long after that, and has been happily married ever since. Nobody felt anything other than respect for her.

Janey331 · 18/07/2023 19:28

Zanatdy · 18/07/2023 05:10

I went to a wedding that lasted 5wks. You could see in the bride’s face she regretted it before they’d even cut the cake. Her mum was crying in another room and an ex boyfriend had to sit in another room and then told her it was too upsetting for him to be in the room as he could see she didn’t want to be with him. I did feel for him, as she met someone else very unexpectedly a few weeks later and they didn’t even make the honeymoon. She walked away and later married the other guy, still together 10yrs on.

So, an 'ex-boyfriend' was at this wedding of this ' poor distraught woman'? The wedding lasted only 5 weeks and then she 'met someone else who she has since been with for ten years'? Pulllease, this woman had the bloke lined up all along. I feel sorry for her poor 'husband', taken for a real ride there...

Likewhatever · 18/07/2023 19:36

grassverge · Today 14:00
@TwistAgain she is hoping she can convince him to change his mind.

He won’t, and you would be doing her a kindness to tell her that firmly.

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 19:56

"I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her"......really? He doesnt love her, surely thats reason enough. Its awful awful for both of them but surely it's better to find out now than 3 months down the line.
Claire should call things off herself. We know that, you know that, but does Claire? No-one will hold this against her. She has no need to be embarrassed. If there's a honeymoon booked tell her to start sorting out a friend to accompany her.

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 20:03

grassverge · 18/07/2023 10:53

His first marriage ended when his wife cheated on him a lot. Claire was not the OW. I have been thinking about contacting Alfie and asking him to cancel things. I hope he will at least do that but I am not hopeful.

Support Claire in cancelling her friends and family. Leave Alfie's side to turn up.

Livelovebehappy · 18/07/2023 20:32

If I was a guest at Claire’s wedding, having laid out money for hotel etc, and she cancelled under these circumstances, I would have huge sympathy for her, as I’m sure most people invited would. I would absolutely not be annoyed at any financial hit I took. Anyway, I’m sure they can get a partial refund on booked rooms or defer dates, and their outfits will be there for any future events they attend.

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 20:34

grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:37

I should have mentioned her deposit is ring-fenced in a trust? Or something of that nature. However she will have to sell the house as she cannot afford it on her salary alone also the penalties of getting out of the new mortgage will be huge.

Thank goodness her deposit was ring-fenced! As bad as things are now, it would have been so much worse to be legally shackled to this man. I hope her friends and parents can persuade Claire to cancel the wedding arrangements (or let tigers do so on her behalf) and take time to grieve for the dream she had.

She has a hard time ahead of her but with support of those who do love her she will cope and recover, I'm sure. 🌹

sonjadog · 18/07/2023 20:45

Livelovebehappy · 18/07/2023 20:32

If I was a guest at Claire’s wedding, having laid out money for hotel etc, and she cancelled under these circumstances, I would have huge sympathy for her, as I’m sure most people invited would. I would absolutely not be annoyed at any financial hit I took. Anyway, I’m sure they can get a partial refund on booked rooms or defer dates, and their outfits will be there for any future events they attend.

I agree. I would hate anyone to feel that they had to marry someone they didn't want to/who didn't want to marry them because I had a hotel booking and bought a new dress! Honestly, I can't think of anyone who wouldn't think that.

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 20:49

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/07/2023 15:51

He should really have realised that before the child not the wedding. How cruel.

There's no point getting married. If he paid nothing on the house he should agree she keeps it and takes over the mortgage. He takes his children and goes elsewhere.

We have no idea how long they were together before the child.

zooopta · 19/07/2023 00:09

What a cocklodging user to do this to Claire

She must be so upset no wonder she can't think properly

You're a great friend for seeking advice that's in her best interests, when she isn't in the best place to ask herself

No one is going to be mad at her. She is being humiliated by him and he's the one they'll be talking about. Claire can write the history here. Take back control and definitely do not marry.

wobblyweasel · 19/07/2023 14:39

Claire shouldn't do it. For me it was the other way round. 2weeks before I got married, I realised that although I loved him, it was more of a love for a friend. It seemed that once we'd announced we were getting married my DM & MIL had wedding fever, and before I knew it, everything was booked etc. I basically went through a wedding I didn't want because my parents had forked out thousands for a wedding which was basically what my mother wanted. Didn't even have my choice of dress (ok the one I desired was a black gown 😂)

It'll cause heartache now, but better now than later to be honest x

Twentytwothousand · 19/07/2023 18:10

She doesn’t need to tell anyone why it’s off, just that it is. If anything he’s done her a favour telling her now. Cost him half the house. Cost her the wedding but she might be able to claim some back. He has to move out. If the mortgage penalty is more than the rent for a year, she may as well stay there for a year until she gets her head sorted. Penalty decreases year by year - she shouldn’t make any rash decisions about the house. Kick the groom to the kerb first. I’ve seen this happen before- it’s just a get out of jail free card for when the wedding collapses.

scotvic · 19/07/2023 18:15

This is a huge responsibility on your shoulders, but I think you already know what you have to do. Somehow make Claire see that she must openly cancel the wedding, however embarrassing. I did that years ago. The effect was minor - people soon forgot about it and most just said “better to find out now than later!”
If the marriage goes ahead not only will it fail - inevitably - but he will be legally able to take half of everything As it is, she may be able to get refunds on some of the wedding plans and can cancel some of the financial commitments and therefore only lose a smallish sum
compared to what she stands to lose in the longer term. Alfie MAY just have last minute nerves but she can’t trust him - he is a flake, and not reliable husband / father material. He should pay her child maintenance for the 2 year old.

Billybea · 19/07/2023 18:15

I married my fiancé when I was 22 (44 years ago!) and was too scared to back out being young and naive. I had fallen out of love with him and went into marriage thinking “well there’s always divorce” which is not what you should be thinking on your wedding day and I felt really bad about how I felt. I should have been happy but I wasn’t and I was too scared to tell my parents how I felt, only my friend knew and she told me not to go through with it but I was a coward. It lasted 2 years and I left breaking his heart (which I’m not proud of). He since married and has 3 adult children and is happy so for that I’m grateful. (And I’ve never married since!)
My point is to your friend, DO NOT MARRY HIM!! He will break her heart even more and she will end up having to sign over half of her house and and the money she has put into it. Please please make her see sense! Surely she can’t be that desperate to want to marry someone who doesn’t want her. Poor lady.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/07/2023 18:25

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 18/07/2023 00:13

If she marries him the relationship will splutter on for a few weeks or months and then fall apart and he'll have a claim on the house that she's paid a £300K deposit on.

I'd be tempted to lock her in a room.

This

She does NOT want to legally tie herself to this man where she would be legally responsible for his financial wellbeing, especially if they then separate.

OhMyCustardPie · 19/07/2023 18:26

Goodness me, she MUST NOT marry him. I am sure there will be some family lawyers on this forum who would say that (given its inevitable they'll break up eventually) it will be stressful and costly to get divorced (not the actual divorce, but the financial unpicking and family court stuff)