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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 19/07/2023 18:29

Of course he will get half the house if they marry
omg she needs to get him out now

Pinkfluff76 · 19/07/2023 18:31

How horrendous
poor Claire 😭

Mrsgreen100 · 19/07/2023 18:35

I wanted to cancel my wedding ( I was very young)
my Matron of honour said no way your mum will freak .
I went ahead divorced two and a half years later , had to pay the rat 40,000 nearly lost my business, that was a ton of money in the 80,s
Is now to
don’t do it Claire the solicitors costs alone will be equal to the cost of a wedding

tolerable · 19/07/2023 18:37

ALfie has decided.(the end)
Claire will be distraught. Just now. but that will pass and absolute yipee-she wont be married to Alfie. (hes a cnut) . Claire n toddler deserve better. Could claire and her guests perhaps still attend the reception but make it a "you dodged a bullet"celebration.

Ginandpanic · 19/07/2023 18:47

poor woman but at least he’s told her before.
she can take ownership of this, cancel it, and say it was mutual. She doesn’t have to play the jilted bride.

GingeAndTonic · 19/07/2023 18:51

Could she take out wedding insurance then call it off?

Dotcheck · 19/07/2023 19:03

Be strong and end it Claire!
#standingwithclaire

Dotcheck · 19/07/2023 19:06

Also….
She must be desperate to have a man in her life if she was prepared to shoulder the house and the wedding cost. No judgement but it must be exhausting to hold that hard onto someone- it will eventually be a relief to let it go.

And… she should see a mortgage adviser to see if there are any other options.

WhiteFire · 19/07/2023 19:08

GingeAndTonic · 19/07/2023 18:51

Could she take out wedding insurance then call it off?

Cold feet is rarely (if ever) covered by wedding insurance.

My last manager was married for 6 days before she admitted it had been a huge mistake. She knows it would have been a lot easier to have faced up to her doubts even a week earlier.

linsey2581 · 19/07/2023 19:11

At least he had the guts to tell her, better now than a few months down the line. Also are you the bride?

saffy2 · 19/07/2023 19:14

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Alfie is doing this because it is the right thing for him to do. He doesn’t love her. He is doing what is right for him, for her and for their children all 4 of them by doing this. I’m surprised you’re questioning it!
yes he could have done it sooner, but whenever he does it up to the wedding is better than after the wedding or during. He’s being a good guy to be honest. And I wish my ex husband or I had had the guts to do this. It would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache and hassle. I respect Alfie for this decision.

SpiralHecate · 19/07/2023 19:28

You're right to tell her to call it off, but ultimately it has to be her decision. But if they press ahead and get married it'll be a terrible mistake on her part. She'll be living in a heart breaking loveless marriage and when they do finally split up he'll be entitled to a share of all her assets. I'd say cancel the wedding and make long term plans for a separation.

evian76 · 19/07/2023 19:28

Claire needs to get out of there quick before she loses 150k to her new husband! Can Claire afford the mortgage by herself? It does sound as if Claire is nicely financially independent so she should walk and not look back.

MrsSimz · 19/07/2023 19:34

Poor Claire. I was due to get married 15 years ago and he called it off the week before. It was horrific. My family and friends rallied and sorted everything and I got through it. 6 months later, I met my now husband and we’ve been happily married for 11 years.

Granted, the first time there was no house or kids which meant splitting was more simple. Claire needs to not marry Alfie, get trusted friends/family to start cancelling everything and go and see a mortgage broker.

Really hope she’s ok. She’ll come through this.

Mari9999 · 19/07/2023 19:34

@grassverge
Better she discovered this before the wedding. The house is an investment in which they are both owners and which can be sold to recoup some of the original down payment. He will be obligated to contribute to he support of his children.

Surely, she would not wish to marry a man who dies not love her. Maybe, he only just realized that he no longer loves het. The upside of this is that she is not 6 months down the road and having to incur the cost and expenses associated with a divorce.

She may be hurt and embarrassed ,but in the long run, she is in a better position than she would have been had he experienced this epiphany after getting married.

AlBG · 19/07/2023 19:45

She needs to see this as dodging a bullet, however devastated she is right now. If the get married it will so much more messy and expensive to unlock it all. Can she get help to cover his part of the mortgage (he’ll need to pay her child support even if they’re not married)? Could she let one of the rooms out in the house to cover some costs?
if he does a u turn she still shouldn’t marry him. If she really still wants him, just go back to dating for a few years to check he’s really in it. If he lives in her house, make sure she gets lawyers to draw up an agreement for him to sign confirming that he gets no interest in the house.

Strawberrycake3725 · 19/07/2023 19:46

She needs people who love her to stop her going through with it. Totally get why this is hard. My ex walked out on me pregnant but I stayed emotionally invested for a while and would have taken him back. She needs strong people to stop her and you’re right, tell him to cancel it. If he changes his mind - don’t let her do it. Shown his true colours.

aloris · 19/07/2023 19:51

grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:35

Claire loves him and desperately wants him to change his mind. I agree that to go ahead would be terrible and the sooner she cancels the better. However, I think the hope is killing her. I wish he would man up and start cancelling everything for her sake. He has not paid a penny towards the wedding.

"He has not paid a penny towards the wedding."

Why am I not suprised.

ParadoxicalHippy · 19/07/2023 19:52

Claire is heartbroken, feeling foolish and grieving for the happily ever after that’s not gonna happen, she’s not thinking straight. She needs her friends and family to tell her to call the wedding off or she’ll regret it. Alfie’s a dick for letting it go this far, but at least he’s being honest.

The £20k is spent, everything is in place so cancel the church/registrar and have a ‘f**k off, Alfie’ party. Up to his family/friends if they still want to come.

If Claire can afford to keep the house, keep it but Alfie and his kids (sorry kids, your dad is a 💩) obviously need to move out. If she can’t, sell it and buy a smaller property with the equity that’s entirely hers anyway.

Can’t see any other way to handle this without more inevitable heartbreak down the line and messy divorce/financial woes on top, unless Claire was clever and made him sign a prenup. The worst bit is the effect is going have on the kids, they don’t need or deserve any of this 😞 Neither does Claire, but at least she’ll be free to find someone who will genuinely love her when the time is right.

Mittleme · 19/07/2023 19:53

exacty Alfie has done her a great favour by letting her know . what if he did not tell her and pretends till after the wedding . Well i am assumming Claire knows he said he doesnt love her .

StillWantingADog · 19/07/2023 20:12

nope she must not marry him unless it’s a genuine cold feet situation which it sounds like it is not .

Poppyseeks · 19/07/2023 20:30

Please leave him Claire you will be so much more embarrassed when you get divorced in a tear or two and he takes half your money.

Hoppysue · 19/07/2023 20:33

I’d say do not marry him . If she is adamant that she’s going ahead make sure she takes out a Deed of Trust which will state clearly percentages of ownership based on who put in what. This is registered on the deeds and would be flagged up by Land registry if relationship ends

Cazareeto1 · 19/07/2023 20:48

I hope Claire gets her big girl pants on, and realises she is worth so much more than a man who doesn’t love her. She is worth someone who loves the bones of her. I hope she doesn’t try and convince him, she is worth more than that. Tell her no wedding is best, until she finds Mr right

momtoboys · 19/07/2023 20:49

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

It doesn't matter why Alfie is doing this; he is. Claire needs to pull herself together, alert the wedding guests, and figure out what to do with the house. She can fall apart in a few weeks.