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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 12:08

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 11:15

Why, though? You're allowed to stop loving someone, and he's done so before he had a legal share of their assets.

Show quote history

Yeah but he didn’t stop loving her yesterday. Realising that you are not in love and planning a wedding both take time - months or even years not days.

They must have been together for at least 3 years, it’s not like he didn’t know her or what he was getting into.

Best case scenario - Alfie allowed Claire to go ahead and plan and pay for a wedding while he knew that he didn’t want to get married and he didn’t love her. He bought a house with her using £300k of her money and none of his knowing that he didn’t love her.

Worst case scenario - he did all of the above while shagging another woman.

My money is on the second. Men hardly ever leave a wife / partner and kids without a soft landing.

BinnityBoo · 18/07/2023 12:11

I don't understand why Claire needs his salary for the mortgage if she has put down a 300k deposit?

But that aside, she should absolutely not marry this man. I'd take letting all of my wedding guests down and losing a bit of money, over marrying a man that didn't love me.

I hope Claire sees sense and realises she deserves better!

loislovesstewie · 18/07/2023 12:12

I agree that he might not be a bell-end or any other pejorative term. It's far better he says now and saves them both years of misery, without knowing more we don't know if he has tried to voice misgivings but been ignored. If that isn't the case at least he has said.

TomorrowToday · 18/07/2023 12:19

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Because he doesn't want to be with her?

What's the issue? He's called of the wedding before they are married. It's a horrible situation but at least she knows and doesn't need to get a divorce.

Why are you so bothered OP? She was able to buy a house with her deposit.

Catcatcatcatcat · 18/07/2023 12:20

BinnityBoo · 18/07/2023 12:11

I don't understand why Claire needs his salary for the mortgage if she has put down a 300k deposit?

But that aside, she should absolutely not marry this man. I'd take letting all of my wedding guests down and losing a bit of money, over marrying a man that didn't love me.

I hope Claire sees sense and realises she deserves better!

A 3 bed semi where I live, an hour out of London, costs £750k.

Its entirely possible Claire has taken on a huge mortgage with Alfie to accommodate their DC. As she appears to have tied up her deposit legally, it’s just a case of persuading her not to go begging him to go ahead with the wedding.

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 18/07/2023 12:22

There are levels of bellendery.

Marrying someone knowing you don't love them and the relationship will soon fall apart is epic bellendery.

Ditching the mother of your child a fortnight before your wedding is certainly better than that, but it's not ideal behaviour.

BinnityBoo · 18/07/2023 12:23

@Catcatcatcatcat ah, sorry I'm northern and forget how atrocious London prices are sometimes 😂

Poor Claire.

whatausername · 18/07/2023 12:27

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

He's not "doing it to her", he's doing it for him. She doesn't factor in to his process. He is looking out for himself, as is his right. And as she ought to do for herself. It is a crap situation.

Catcatcatcatcat · 18/07/2023 12:30

Yeah it sounds like Claire had the deposit, but the mortgage was dependent on two incomes, and possibly Alfie earns more?

Does Claire work OP? Will she be eligible for UC? Alfie will be looking at paying some CM, although possibly not much owing to his other DC, whose needs must be equally taken into consideration.

Depending on how often he has overnights, she is probably only going to get 5% of his net pay towards their joint child, with max 15% towards his other three.

HowcanIhelp123 · 18/07/2023 12:33

She would be insane to marry him.

She needs to look at whether the mortgage company would 'port' the mortgage to a smaller house in her name and see if that would reduce the fees. He should be paying half of fees. Even if fees are high I can almost guarantee they would be less than the inevitable divorce fees!

As for the wedding, see what she can get back if she cancels and check if she has insurance. If nothing I'd say have a dodged a bullet party. He should have paid towards the wedding. Did he also sign the contracts or is everything in her name alone? Not sure if he's named if she could look into taking him to small claims or something to get him to cover his half? If she has a pricey engagement ring could that be sold to pay her back a bit?

Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 12:35

BinnityBoo · 18/07/2023 12:11

I don't understand why Claire needs his salary for the mortgage if she has put down a 300k deposit?

But that aside, she should absolutely not marry this man. I'd take letting all of my wedding guests down and losing a bit of money, over marrying a man that didn't love me.

I hope Claire sees sense and realises she deserves better!

The £300k may well be an inheritance rather than money she has earned or money saved before she had her child.

She may struggle to pay the rest of the mortgage but one her own with one child she won't need such a big house. She could sell and buy something smaller and be mortgage free.

WolfFoxHare · 18/07/2023 12:37

If they have already bought the property together, and she hasn't ring-fenced the deposit in any way, and they're joint tenants, he owns half the house. She might be able to get her deposit back if they fought it out, but it's not simply a matter of "they're not married so he doesn't get any of it" or "can she port the mortgage across" - they may already both be the legal owners of the house.

Moneynewpence · 18/07/2023 12:37

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/07/2023 00:48

Tell her that it will cost her a lot less to cover the costs of her guests accomodation and new outfits than it will cost her in the divorce when he gets to take at least £150,000 of unearned money from her.

Why would she have to cover their outfits? They've bought clothes which can be worn again....

Tresto · 18/07/2023 12:38

Claire needs to see a solicitor pronto and find out if he has claim to her money.

Then she needs to follow the advice of the solicitor to protect her assets

Tresto · 18/07/2023 12:40

An early repayment charge will be less than giving him half her assets.

The shame is on him by the way - she loves him but she shouldn’t settle

Wheresthebeach · 18/07/2023 12:44

she needs to protect her money and not marry him. Leaving it so late to cancel is crap of him but she needs to protect her deposit

Moveoverdarlin · 18/07/2023 12:45

Claire has brought 320k to the party - Alfie has brought 3 kids from a previous relationship. WTF is wrong with Claire? She needs to end this now. No one will be cross with her or upset about the cancelled wedding. From what you've said her friends and family will be delighted she’s seen sense.

DoNotUnderstandWhy · 18/07/2023 12:49

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

Nah fuck being old fashioned.

Right now if they split it's only going to cost her the £20k she's spent on the wedding.

If they were married and they split, it'd cost her at last £150k and the rest!

Tell Claire to take her £300k and run.

unsync · 18/07/2023 13:05

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:21

I think Claire is in shock and embarrassed to tell her guests who have booked leave and bought hotel rooms and outfits. She cannot think straight. I have no idea why Alfie is doing this to her.

Alfie sounds like he's using her to house his three kids and then use that in divorce court to get his hands on Clare's £300k.

She should be asking lose £20k or £300k? Personally, I'd not marry him, but go ahead with the £20k party and celebrate a narrow escape from marriage with my nearest and dearest.

tara66 · 18/07/2023 13:06

Small/very small weddings are often a good idea.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 18/07/2023 13:12

unsync · 18/07/2023 13:05

Alfie sounds like he's using her to house his three kids and then use that in divorce court to get his hands on Clare's £300k.

She should be asking lose £20k or £300k? Personally, I'd not marry him, but go ahead with the £20k party and celebrate a narrow escape from marriage with my nearest and dearest.

Show quote history

He is not doing that. He has called off the wedding.

Qbish · 18/07/2023 13:14

grassverge · 18/07/2023 10:53

His first marriage ended when his wife cheated on him a lot. Claire was not the OW. I have been thinking about contacting Alfie and asking him to cancel things. I hope he will at least do that but I am not hopeful.

Or so he says... 🤔

TwistAgain · 18/07/2023 13:24

OP, im assuming he told her he doesn’t love her so they no longer get married. I don’t think the marriage is actually an option or has he said he’s going to marry her? If the latter than she absolutely can’t. If she’s just assuming she can have a choice I think the shock is clouding her vision. You can’t force someone to marry you...

Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 13:43

grassverge · 18/07/2023 10:53

His first marriage ended when his wife cheated on him a lot. Claire was not the OW. I have been thinking about contacting Alfie and asking him to cancel things. I hope he will at least do that but I am not hopeful.

@grassverge I think it might be worth contacting him and see if he will man up and make the decision / make it clear to her the wedding cannot happen.

Has he started telling his own family that it's not happening?

Original poster
grassverge · 18/07/2023 13:59

@Sugarfree23 he has told his best man. Not sure about anyone else.

OP posts:
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