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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 18/07/2023 21:12

Urgh, we had this once. We live in a seaside town. My friend, her dh and their two kids came to stay. Oldest child at the time was about 8, youngest about 5 months. They announced when they arrived that the 8 year old was "having toileting issues" - previously potty trained, apparently, but she'd taken apparently to just standing there and pissing herself. No SEN.

Er, ok. 2 minutes after arriving....girl stands there and just lets piss go EVERYWHERE. All over the carpet. She then skips off into the house, tights soaked with piss, piss dripping everywhere. A lake of wee, stinking up the house. They did mop it up but asked that I not use any cleaner on the carpet as "it makes friend nauseous".

They left dirty nappies in bundles in the house. They left baby formula powder all over the kitchen surfaces. Food everywhere. Wet towels left on floor.

Oh, and demanded we antibac the whole downstairs floor just in case the baby touched anything (they were mega germphobes....and yet never cleaned up after themselves). Never again.

FablesStoriesTales · 18/07/2023 21:18

Parcel up her clothes and send them to her

Budikka · 18/07/2023 21:22

How inconsiderate. I would suggest that she is jealous of your success and enjoys making a mess. It sounds deliberate.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 21:34

She won't be staying again

Have been away with her for a long weekend somewhere foreign to both is us

Buffer meals, when we sat down she asked me to get her a drink from the bar , obviously laughed and said no, then at most meals would ask to try stuff on my plate and then say o when you go up again can you get me this

All this together And it's a big fat no

OP posts:
MsRosley · 18/07/2023 21:43

She's tested your boundaries in increments, OP, and thought you were a pushover. Don't be a pushover.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 18/07/2023 21:47

She's got you mixed up with a servant. I'm bristling on your behalf at the CF of expecting you to get her drinks and food on your holiday! What on earth planet is she from where that's acceptable?

Yeahno · 18/07/2023 22:00

Oh OP, I've had a hard life. Will you be my friend? When can I stay, I'll tell you about it 😜

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 22:30

Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 21:34

She won't be staying again

Have been away with her for a long weekend somewhere foreign to both is us

Buffer meals, when we sat down she asked me to get her a drink from the bar , obviously laughed and said no, then at most meals would ask to try stuff on my plate and then say o when you go up again can you get me this

All this together And it's a big fat no

Excellent!!

What a shame she'll have to go and train someone else to be a host/slave. 🌹

LifeIsGooood · 19/07/2023 02:12

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:25

Yes that's exactly it, like a hotel!

She doesn't come to see me , it's to do something specific in the day at the weekend

Just wondered if I was being petty!

Is she super scary and you are afraid of her??
Good grief speak up.
You are an adult.

Flatandhappy · 19/07/2023 02:33

Well it looks like she has finally behaved badly enough for you to feel comfortable saying no to her so maybe that was a bit of a blessing in disguise. Eat the food she left, pack up her belongings in a box out of your way and spend your time with people who value having a kind friend.

Fraaahnces · 19/07/2023 03:44

Leaving food and clothes at your place was absolutely marking her territory. You’re obviously staff.

MeridaBrave · 19/07/2023 07:14

Have to spell out the rules - shoes off, wash up, leave kitchen as you find it. Keep room tidy, strip bed. I won’t cook for you. Considering what you said I’d give one more chance with rules set out but equally ok to say, sorry not convenient for me anymore to have guests.

Carzo · 19/07/2023 08:27

I think I might be related to her 😜 no more visits.

Branwells77 · 19/07/2023 08:28

I wouldn’t allow her to stay again she clearly has no respect whatsoever and treats your home like a hotel and you as her maid I’ve seen you have said she will have to come back as she has left things at yours I would be sending her a detailed message of rules I have two 16 year olds who are more respectful than her.
Next time she comes make sure it’s the last time ensure she takes all of her stuff with her so no reason to return.

JhsLs · 19/07/2023 09:56

I chose YABU because you’re being such a doormat. Say something!

Mumto6ac · 19/07/2023 10:30

To be honest I wouldn’t even leave a hotel in that state!!!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2023 12:36

Basilfaulty2 · 18/07/2023 21:34

She won't be staying again

Have been away with her for a long weekend somewhere foreign to both is us

Buffer meals, when we sat down she asked me to get her a drink from the bar , obviously laughed and said no, then at most meals would ask to try stuff on my plate and then say o when you go up again can you get me this

All this together And it's a big fat no

I’m not going to go down the ND route here but she does sound a bit strange and entitled.

Why does she ask to try food on your plate when away and why would she ask you to get her a drink (free or pay for it?) from the bar?

Which city are you in out of interest? Is is New York or another one? Trying to think of those where you say apartment rather than flat and which have tiny kitchens.

For what it’s worth based on above and your apartment layout, I’ve got friends from New York and especially in Manhattan area and once I did stay with one friend (he’s since moved) but this was only because a hotel double booked me and I couldn’t get another room in the same hotel which was suitable for a few days, by that I mean same price point, location. I recall the friend saying “it’s a tiny kitchen/apartment (it was a 1 bedroom) so I slept on their sofa bed) so if you could eat out, eg breakfast or get takeout etc but bear in mind it’s tiny!”. I did as they said as they were doing me a huge favour.

Original poster
Basilfaulty2 · 19/07/2023 13:44

JhsLs · 19/07/2023 09:56

I chose YABU because you’re being such a doormat. Say something!

I have!

Messaged and said I wasn't able to have people staying as I am finding it too much cooking, cleaning and clearing up after people at the weekends after a long week at work.

She seemed to get it , she mentioned coming for a shorter visit and I reiterated no, and I think it sunk in.

OP posts:
DJT86 · 19/07/2023 15:44

I agree with your reasons and you are being far from petty. Personally I would feel embarrassed about not helping when staying in a friend's house. Its your house your rules and insist when staying just because so someone should help. Agree with others if she is a decent friend I would say why you are annoyed before she stays again.

SaponificationQueen · 19/07/2023 18:05

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

She doesn’t have to come again to get her stuff. I would box up her stuff and ship it to her. It might cost a little money, but it would be cheaper in the long run and definitely less of a headache than cleaning up after her.

Or, if she’s coming to town again, but staying elsewhere, you could deliver the boxes to wherever she’s staying. I wouldn’t let her drop by to get her stuff.

lookingforchangenowww · 19/07/2023 18:20

Hi Op,is that a family member like your mum for example that you can’t get away with it ?

I would only strongly accept something like this for once if it was a family member. She sounds like a displeasure to have around.

my question is : why do you think that you need to keep saying yes and putting up with this ?

I would refuse visitors even during my holidays, let alone during my chaotic working weeks. Fuck that !

PoppyTries · 19/07/2023 18:36

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

I can be untidy in my own home, but I am on my best behavior when a guest in someone’s home. It’s not hard to do your own dishes and tidy up after yourself. If she’s coming into town for events and using your home as a place to sleep, she most certainly should be bringing a gift / treating you to a nice meal.

moaningmyrtle4 · 19/07/2023 18:37

I have a friend like this. Well husbands friend. Stayed over once. Knocked over all the books In Spare room. Didn’t bother to pick them up. Used our actual cups as ashtrays and left the bed a mess. Never staying again. Same bloke lived at my sisters while she was away. Rented from her. She returned to find used dirty plates and cooking stuff in the oven. Mouldy rubbish in her fridge. Some people are just not house trained. Now banned from staying !!!

Ginandpanic · 19/07/2023 18:44

It’s not your job to train her to be a decent human being. Glad you’ve said no and been firm.
enjoy your tidy house!

VK456 · 19/07/2023 18:51

The cheek!!