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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit tired of guests staying!

265 replies

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:14

I live in a fairly expensive capital city, very central so have alot of people wanting to stay periodically

Usually don't mind and enjoy but the last lme tired me out and has put me off!

Not sure if I am being petty though. For context I never stay at hers and if I visit have to stay in a hotel , her circumstances don't allow guests.

She arrived Friday late afternoon, I had a very long week at the office by this stage so was knackered which didn't help.

As she walked in, told her I had just had the carpets deep cleaned, expecting her to take her dirty trainers off, but no, came.in and left marks over pale carpet.

No room for a dishwasher in kitchen, so she merrily makes tea, coffee, and snacks, then piles all the crockery in the sink or on the side for me to wash , and reminds me by saying we have run out of cups.

I take her out for dinner one night and.make break fast every morning , she gave me a free gift thay was stuck on the front of a magazine she bought, as a thank.you

She is pretty untidy, so I spent alot of the weekend clearing up after her. Incapable it seems of doing anything in kitchen without spilling something on floor or counters and.just leaves it

Then she left my spare room and bathroom in a mess when she left , either make the bed or strip it, don't leave a tangled.pile.of sheets and spill make up all over the bathroom sink

First world problems, but after a hectic week at work, didn't need it. When she asked if she could stay again 2 weeks later I said I was busy.

2 weeks later she messaged again to ask if i was sure I was busy.

Petty but I'm pretty irritated

OP posts:
Wintercomesoon · 18/07/2023 18:22

Not petty at all. Keep practising putting those boundaries in. They’re designed to protect like you,from CF’s like her.

Wintercomesoon · 18/07/2023 18:22

*. To protect people like you

FiddleLeaf · 18/07/2023 18:24

I’d be permanently busy as far as she’s concerned.

Easy for others to say you should have or should say something but I personally wouldn’t. Not a fan of conflict and it’s not necessary. Just don’t have her back.

GC1 · 18/07/2023 18:26

Your not being unreasonable but she needs to learn to fucking respect others houses!! That's shocking and if it was me I'd say it as it was. Your a dirty lazy person and you should be ashamed of the way your treated my house!! Noway!! I wouldn't let it put you off but I defo would pick and choose from now on. She should have paid for dinner for letting you stay!! (You don't mention if she is a friend or family member). I know I don't go thru people kitchens when I'm staying but I turn up with bagles for breakfast my own juice and my own snacks. Share them but leave them where I can get them if whom I'm staying with doesn't want / isn't there ect.

Sloth66 · 18/07/2023 18:31

What a total lack of respect for you and your home. Don’t let yourself be used, you work hard, you need to be able to rest and enjoy yourself at home, not be dealing with behavior like this.

AuntMarch · 18/07/2023 18:37

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

I'm quite messy. But make every effort not to be when in someone else's home.

It's just rude.

Begonne · 18/07/2023 18:39

It’s not petty. It’s pragmatic.

She’s a terrible guest. Save your hosting energy for people who don’t deplete you. And save this relationship by meeting in neutral places.

It’s probably best to just be vaguely busy rather than confronting her and risking the relationship unless you want to cut her off.

Sometimes, those of us who are not naturally assertive or blessed with good boundaries, only see the obvious solution when we’re annoyed/angry. Then we feel petty if we act on it. But often this insight is showing us the right way to handle it. Imagine yourself doing this with neutral emotions, or even as an act of kindness to save the friendship.

Takeitonthechin · 18/07/2023 18:41

How very rude of her... I would treat her to a piece of your mind, saying something along the lines of," so soon!, I've only just recovered from you staying here two weeks ago, it was worse than having a teenager stay for a month.... Maybe a hotel would suffice this time as you seem to treat my home as one and me as your personal slave.
I seem to be fully booked for the foreseeable.... sorry.

Mystery2345 · 18/07/2023 18:46

Do not ever have her back to stay. Bin her stuff. Stop contact.

ikno · 18/07/2023 18:47

So I’m mid 20s and live in a nice, large, expensive (!) apartment in central London so often have people wanting to stay. The trick is to set ground rules or just only allow decent people who over. All of my friends wash their dishes without me asking! I don’t even need to tell them to load the dishwasher, they’re happy to just roll their sleeves up and sort it immediately as that’s how they are in their own homes.

My biggest gripe with having people over is the lack of space - sometimes I just want private time without people in my communal areas. The other thing is people coming over empty handed, if they’re staying at mine for free it would be nice if they bring snacks or alcohol, as they’re otherwise just raiding my cupboards and alcohol. It all adds up to a cheap weekend for them and an extra expensive one for me.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/07/2023 18:54

Frankly she sees you as a soft touch Op. You have a lovely idea about making guests welcome but she isn't a guest, you invite a guest, they don't invite themselves. She's overstepped in every way and now she's treating your home as if it's hers because you've just let her get away with it, if you'd pulled her up sooner it wouldn't have got so bad. She leaves food and clothes at your place because she now thinks she'll be staying regularly. Absolutely time for you to woman up and either say no to her staying or laying down rules, I wiuldn't have her in the house again

MsRosley · 18/07/2023 19:00

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

Jesus christ, OP. I wouldn't be having her back to get her stuff. I'd give her one opportunity to come and pick it up and leave immediately, then block her and never look back.

wellstopdoingitthen · 18/07/2023 19:00

I’m sorry but that is very rude behaviour. For contrast 2 male friends of my son stayed one night last week as they had been to an event nearby & live 4 hours away. They slept on the sofas, cleaned the bathroom after themselves & then sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers & chocolates to say thank you. They’re 20 year old uni students!
If i were you I would be very busy & parcel up her belongings & post them to her.

CJM77 · 18/07/2023 19:01

You are not being unreasonable, but I would take the opportunity to say something specific about how you expect your home to be treated. Doing dishes, for example, not leaving the bathroom in a state for another.

As for what she's left at your home... she can pay for that to be shipped.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 18/07/2023 19:07

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

You're permanently busy as this is one hugely cheeky person who's taking massive advantage of your good nature.
You need to make it clear that you aren't a hotel and you aren't going to be providing a DBB service for her again.
Food and clothes - parcel them up and get royal mail to collect them. They'll deliver them back to her home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2023 19:09

Choux · 18/07/2023 15:53

My friends and I live in different capital cities across Europe. When we visit each other we take account of how much we are inconveniencing the host even if she is happy to see us.

A gift is brought eg fancy chocolates, alcohol. Often we eat these together but not always
House rules are followed eg no shoes inside. We ask what to do about beds at the end.
When we go out to eat we split the bill equally.
If we eat in we always offer to help whoever is hosting. Usually it is refused or only small tasks given. One friend in particular insists no one else goes in the kitchen and we relax while she cooks. We don't help as when she comes to ours she relaxes and we cook.

If I visit someone outside of that group for an overnight visit I would treat THEM to a meal out in recognition that they have saved me £££ by not having to book a hotel.

Your friend is being very careful with HER money but spending YOUR money on meals out and using the money she has saved to buy clothes she can't even fit in her case! Wake up. If you aren't visiting each other so it all evens out she should not be taking advantage of you. A true friend wouldn't and when you ask for things to change she will understand why. Otherwise drop her.

This is how to behave as a guest.

It is unfathomable that people can be so rude… mind you we had a fair few feral visitors when we lived abroad. We had a few people, who took advantage of our good nature. Looking back they were total users.

This woman seems of the same ilk. It was incredibly rude to buy herself lunch only. And yes, she saved her money by spending yours. I realised one day that I’d rather not have friends than have ‘friends’ like this. I agree you should consider dropping her.

Please, do not spend another penny on this woman. If she were a true friend, she’d put her hand in her pocket for you, perhaps even pay for a hotel night seeing as she can’t put you up - assuming she can afford to do so.

Waffle78 · 18/07/2023 19:12

I would just flatly refuse no then say not after last time. Then list the reasons why.

WhatsupWhatsApp · 18/07/2023 19:15

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, good to get others opinions.

I've been bought up that when you have guests you tend to do the cooking and washing up etc, but things will have to change
She is going to have to come again as she left a lot of stuff here for next time!

Food in cupboards she bought for herself etc and clothes she couldn't take back as had too much shopping!!

You do cooking and washing up if guests are there to visit you, not when they use your home as a hotel.

pimlicopubber · 18/07/2023 19:18

She sounds horrible and you'd be 100% justified to cut contact with her. However, if you ever have the misfortune of having another similarly terrible guest, just tell them right away. Not washing dishes? Ask them politely to wash them. Cooking breakfast? Take turns. I've asked guests to wash dishes in the past - we have children, no time to waste running after able bodied adults.
That said, some are things shouldn't need spelling out, so she's just an exceptionally rude guest. For example, I'd always cover dinner costs when I stay at someone's.

Dibbydoos · 18/07/2023 19:20

Just say no, but also tell her that you were disappointed she treated your place like a hotel and you like a maid. Say you love seeing her but you can't put her up again. End of. If she's a friend - she sounds like a freeloader not a friend - she'll be mortified and make it up to you.

mangochops · 18/07/2023 19:24

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 15:41

@Basilfaulty2

OP you sound like a really nice person, but I'm afraid you're also a fool to yourself.

As someone above said, if you make a doormat of yourself people will walk over you". Please do take some of the excellent advice you've been given here and don't accept that people inviting themselves to your home means that it's a done deal and you have to agree. It doesn't. Or for people to put their placeholders in your home by leaving their food and clothing in your cupboards. That's rude and manipulative of them.

Saying "No" very clearly, however politely, to people invading your time and space in your home or communicating properly that they should treat you and your home with respect isn't rude - it's standing up for yourself. Take a deep breath and communicate clearly what your boundaries are or resign yourself to be walked over not just by this "friend" but by anyone else who sees you as an easy mark. 🌹

Well said, as for the "she invites herself" LOL - no, she doesnt get to do that. SAY NO! I wouldnt even bother with all the house rules, just say no full stop, she sounds very rude, selfish and not very pleasant.

no no no no no no no.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 18/07/2023 19:29

I think I would need to calmly have my say.

CF I need to get this off my chest. The last time you came I felt used; you stayed to primarily go to another event, I spent the weekend cleaning and cooking for you, despite all that I still treated you to dinner out and then to top it all off you brought lunch back for yourself with nothing for me. It is not nice to feel so taken advantage of. You've asked to stay again and even though I've said no you're still pushing it. I wouldn't treat a friend like that so I am wondering how you view me at all."

Barney60 · 18/07/2023 19:31

No sorry too busy, regarding stuff left, bag it up take to post office and get it weighed asked for cost to be put in writing. Screen shot take home, e mail cost of delivery you will forward once received cost to send.
If you say no a few times probably ask why eventually, be honest.

Pushmepullu · 18/07/2023 19:34

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 15:41

@Basilfaulty2

OP you sound like a really nice person, but I'm afraid you're also a fool to yourself.

As someone above said, if you make a doormat of yourself people will walk over you". Please do take some of the excellent advice you've been given here and don't accept that people inviting themselves to your home means that it's a done deal and you have to agree. It doesn't. Or for people to put their placeholders in your home by leaving their food and clothing in your cupboards. That's rude and manipulative of them.

Saying "No" very clearly, however politely, to people invading your time and space in your home or communicating properly that they should treat you and your home with respect isn't rude - it's standing up for yourself. Take a deep breath and communicate clearly what your boundaries are or resign yourself to be walked over not just by this "friend" but by anyone else who sees you as an easy mark. 🌹

Well put.

SideWonder · 18/07/2023 19:36

Basilfaulty2 · 17/07/2023 21:39

Hi, no not a sister!

I just wondered if someone who is very messy and untidy themselves would perhaps not get that if you invite yourself to stay in someone else's home you clear up after yourself?

Leaving an unmade bed is in my mind the height of rudeness

I agree. I'm not very tidy at home, but I am when I stay with others.

Although when I have guests, I prefer them to leave the bed unmade as I'm going to strip it anyway. I was the duvet cover& pillowcases straightaway and leave the bottom sheet on as a dust cover until the next guest, then change the sheets then.

Jus keep being busy @Basilfaulty2 your friend is quite inconsiderate.