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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is there something wrong with how I look?

226 replies

GEC44 · 17/07/2023 16:50

Straight to the point - I've discovered a group of colleagues are talking about me behind my back and sending each other cartoon drawings of me, saying that I look like a man, look like a drag queen, and that my nickname is Funny Face.

I've been told by a beautician that I have strong features, and an 'image consultant' that I am 'striking'. Whatever that means.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Zelda7 · 18/07/2023 19:48

@GEC44 I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this. People can be so bloody cruel. You’re definitely being bullied & I would definitely involve H.R.
i’m sending you lots of love & hugs. I sincerely hope everything works out for you xxx

Keepthecat · 18/07/2023 20:02

You really shouldn't have to put up with this. Do make a formal complaint about them, but have you told them you know what they're doing? If you can bear to, I think you should say to them you know what they're at AND you're making a formal complaint about them. They are the ones who should be moved or re-deployed, not you.
Tbh I think they'll crap themselves.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/07/2023 20:12

Keepthecat · 18/07/2023 20:02

You really shouldn't have to put up with this. Do make a formal complaint about them, but have you told them you know what they're doing? If you can bear to, I think you should say to them you know what they're at AND you're making a formal complaint about them. They are the ones who should be moved or re-deployed, not you.
Tbh I think they'll crap themselves.

Never Never tell the bullies what your next move is.

user1493111960 · 18/07/2023 20:27

I have had 12 months of intense emdr therapy and the best thing I learnt is is not about you it's them . You threatened or trigger something they don't like about themselves so deflection that onto you. Has nothing to do with you xx

gemstoneju · 18/07/2023 20:42

user1493111960 · 18/07/2023 20:27

I have had 12 months of intense emdr therapy and the best thing I learnt is is not about you it's them . You threatened or trigger something they don't like about themselves so deflection that onto you. Has nothing to do with you xx

That's a really interesting way of looking at it. OP is striking and attractive in a way that threatens their perceived notions of femininity. Which by today's standards is a very narrow one. I would say that makes sense. We keep hearing depressing stories about how gender non-conforming girls are bullied and how they are responding to that.

Lovely13 · 18/07/2023 20:56

I’m shocked by this. How did you find out they’re doing it? It needs immediate investigation by your firm. Hopefully you have a way of proving it. This is 1970s teenage behaviour by adults in 2023. They need sanctioning.

Twelveisthebestnumber · 18/07/2023 21:04

My Mum always said bullying stems from jealousy. In my experience (bullied as a child and 3 times as an adult) she was right. There is obviously something about you that they are envious of. Competency at work, independence, friends, ease of being around others, kindness, one of your striking features, it could be anything. It might not be something you are even aware of but almost certainly the little shits are jealous of something. Figure out a way to destroy them. I did and it was SO worth it.

midlifemaid · 18/07/2023 21:22

There's something wrong with them, not you. Be proud of who you are, own yourself, live 👌

midlifemaid · 18/07/2023 21:25

People say my daughter is striking. She's beautiful. Not petite or dainty, but striking and beautiful. Striking is great!

DJ81 · 18/07/2023 21:27

Hi GEC44, I’m not sure if your age and I don’t need to know. I was bullied all throughout school, college and at work. I am now in my early 50’s and I now realise that the world is full of arxxxoles who have very small brains and all they have to talk about is someone else. Just think how much you must be worrying them all if they are talking about you everyday - ha ha ha. I believe that they have very little in their lives and not much conversation.

If it makes you feel better and you want to contact family or friends by email or text on and off throughout the day and make sure you leave the message received sound on your phone and giggle when you read the messages it may just kill them with jealousy to know what’s going on and they can start another fake discussion about you.

Alternatively, I know you are a strong, confident lady with a good and kind heart, you could leave them to keep talking the same old rubbish day I day out (how boring!).

My Mum used to say to me that a cat can look at a Queen and you my lovely have found a horrible group of cats ( I am a cat owner and love cats but would like to call that bunch a different name). I know it sounds easier said than done but just like me, every morning look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself out loud that you are a strong and capable woman and no one is going to get one over on you.
Believe me after a short while you become so determined you stop noticing them.

You are also entitled to be happy at work, could you ask to move where you sit, I would not say anything about them, what they want is for you to answer them and then a whole dialogue can open, saying nothing and acting oblivious hours them the most, truly please believe me.

At work you could say the sun is in your eyes
and you need tI move desks or you need to sit in a different position and have tried another desk set up which is more comfortable and for health and safety reasons you would like to move. Do not ask to be moved tell your manager that you are moving for health and safety reasons once you mention that they will move you as they would not want you to get a work related injury.

Please stay strong, these people are not adults or grown up, they are still in the playground they are sad individuals.

Do not give them the upper hand and let them know you are aware of what they are saying as that is what they want. Please try and ignore them and the situation. I guess you need your job so you keep going, stay strong, you are a beautiful person inside and out. You will come out on top in the end, you will see they will start being horrible to other new members of staff when they join because that is all the conversation they have.

Apologies for the lengthy response, but I get what you are going through, I shared a room with 3 other women who had code words for me and if I left the room they were talking about me, I heard them say they were trying to get me to leave and they were taking bets from each other how long it would take for me to leave, they were supposed to be training me and they deliberately told me things incorrectly to try to get me sacked, they were appalling, but I became a stubborn woman and decided that they would not win and they didn’t, eventually they fell out with each other one retired, one was asked to leave as she had lied terribly on her cv and she was a lazy what’s it, the third one got a job somewhere else. It took time but I saw them off like I promised myself I would. I do t work there any longer and am much happier in my job. You will get there too.

Take care my lovely and stay strong, keep us posted.

xxx

CelestiaNoctis · 18/07/2023 21:43

You're gorgeous, they're horrible. Report them and forget their nasty, bored comments.

YorkshireLass2012 · 18/07/2023 21:56

@SnotRag81 well that would be an insult to most 7 year olds I know who are, on the whole, very polite and caring individuals.

@GEC44 I an so sorry that this is happening to you and that this spiteful behaviour of your colleagues is occupying your mind. Please raise with your manager.

RestingMurderousFace · 18/07/2023 21:59

potniatheron · 18/07/2023 09:40

Are you olive skinned / light brown or darker?

I am, and am regularly described as 'striking'....it's code for 'dark and therefore not as subjectively attractive to me as the Scandi blonde ideal'.

I'm a redhead and I get the 'striking' comment too. Fucking hate it, always sounds like such a back handed compliment. If you can't muster up a genuine compliment then how about just shutting the fuck up?!

Ahardyfool · 18/07/2023 22:04

My daughter told me about the 5 minute rule today. She’s 13 and this is possibly the wisest thing I’ve heard from her in recent moments.
the 5 minute rule says that if a person/friend/man or woman on the street can’t fix a thing in less than 5 minutes, you don’t say a word about it.
jat that means is, if someone has their skirt caught in their knickers, a bogey hanging out of their nostril or a soup stain round their chops, feel free to give friendly guidance. If it’s that they have a less attractive feature, their hairdresser ballsed up their latest colour or similar that can either never be changed or sorted within 5 minutes then you STFU and keep your opinions to yourself.

TheLostNights · 18/07/2023 22:09

Your daughter is very wise @Ahardyfool . More people should follow this x

Mamai90 · 18/07/2023 22:21

StellaJohanna · 17/07/2023 17:16

OP, you asked "Is there something wrong with how I look?" That is impossible to say as we can't see you. I would be looking for another job. Your workplace sounds nasty.

We don't need to see a bloody picture!

There's nothing wrong with the way anyone looks ffs 🙄

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 18/07/2023 22:23

Ahardyfool · 18/07/2023 22:04

My daughter told me about the 5 minute rule today. She’s 13 and this is possibly the wisest thing I’ve heard from her in recent moments.
the 5 minute rule says that if a person/friend/man or woman on the street can’t fix a thing in less than 5 minutes, you don’t say a word about it.
jat that means is, if someone has their skirt caught in their knickers, a bogey hanging out of their nostril or a soup stain round their chops, feel free to give friendly guidance. If it’s that they have a less attractive feature, their hairdresser ballsed up their latest colour or similar that can either never be changed or sorted within 5 minutes then you STFU and keep your opinions to yourself.

I love this.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 18/07/2023 22:29

How did you find you find about this @GEC44 ? You may have a witness to the bullying.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 18/07/2023 22:30

How did you find out about this @GEC44 ? You may have a witness to the bullying.

Moll2020 · 18/07/2023 22:43

My thoughts: your colleagues are immature bullies.

RestingMurderousFace · 18/07/2023 23:02

Mamai90 · 18/07/2023 22:21

We don't need to see a bloody picture!

There's nothing wrong with the way anyone looks ffs 🙄

Right? Can’t believe this shit still goes on in 2023.

TheMentionOfYourName · 18/07/2023 23:12

They sound very insecure and immature.
I overheard some spiteful comments about the way l looked when l was younger, they thought I'd left the office, it made me feel awful. It was my very first job.
Now I'm in my 50s and l get the odd compliment from males and females yet it means absolutely nothing, l don't need their validation now, l learnt to validate myself.

Anele22 · 18/07/2023 23:28

Sounds like some kind of racism or antisemitism to me. Are you the same ethnicity as the bullies? And if you are, it’s still not okay.

Deckchair1009 · 18/07/2023 23:46

Are your biologically xx or transitioning? In the latter case, the stygma is very much out there x

Kingpin1 · 18/07/2023 23:50

Firstly source evidence that this is happening, then submit a grievance or complaint to HR citing bullying, respect at work, equality, discrimination etc etc

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