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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is there something wrong with how I look?

226 replies

GEC44 · 17/07/2023 16:50

Straight to the point - I've discovered a group of colleagues are talking about me behind my back and sending each other cartoon drawings of me, saying that I look like a man, look like a drag queen, and that my nickname is Funny Face.

I've been told by a beautician that I have strong features, and an 'image consultant' that I am 'striking'. Whatever that means.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 21:22

I can't imagine working with people like this. My colleagues looks are the last things I think about. Fortunately I work with lovely people who wouldn't behave like this in a million years. How old are they - 12?

5128gap · 17/07/2023 21:23

GEC44 · 17/07/2023 19:43

Thanks everyone. It's probably irrelevant but I'm a few years older than the group making the comments about me. I'm worried that their remarks are the general consensus of the office.

Whether or not HR or the Manager will act is another matter.

I wish I'd asked the beauty therapist what she meant by 'strong features'. Perhaps she was trying to nicely say that I do indeed look masculine ☹️

If it helps...strong features tends to mean any or all of, squarish jaw line, large nose, prominent cheek bones, possibly also large and arresting eyes. Some of those features are not associated with stereotypes of female 'prettiness' which often means small doll like features but are often very characterful and interesting. They can also be extremely attractive, beautiful even, and if its any consolation, tend to age well.
(Other people have already advised you of the important stuff here, but you asked twice about the meaning of strong features, so thought I'd give my take on that.)

itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 21:25

Katherine Hepburn was handsome; Sigourney Weaver is. Barbra Streisand; Staff Graf.
What a fabulous list of women @Emotionalsupportviper I just adore Sigourney Weaver in the Alien films.

Mayhem3 · 17/07/2023 21:32

I have never been in a place of work where people discuss other colleagues looks in a negative way.

I would expect that to stop by age 16 at the latest.

This is unacceptable and you need to take it further or get a new job.

Devonshiregal · 17/07/2023 21:34

Everyone feels unattractive often. Everyone sometimes has that thought were you imagine you must look like an alien to other people. Everyone worries that their head is too big, too small, too pointy, too wide. Everyone thinks they’re overweight or underweight sometimes or even all the time. Legs too long. Arms too flabby. Fingers to squat. Skin to veiny. Whatever it is we all regularly feel like crap about ourselves.

I, for example, am currently entirely preoccupied with how overweight I am. But when I meet up with friends of mine who are much more overweight than I am, I don’t give their weight a second thought or see it negatively at all.

Now I am an absolute sulker - whinge about my weight (and other perceived wrongs) but I had a female friend who had a very noticeable moustache. But she was confident, presented herself well, and NEVER MENTIONED the moustache. When I think of her I think of a very attractive person.

My point being is that you’re not ugly. And everyone has people make annoying comments. Everyone feels ugly a lot of the time. And lots of people are actually not overly attractive but people around them think they are, because they’re happy in their own skin. If you’re striking/masculine looking, that’s you - and that’s special. Confidence and inner happiness/self-respect is what you need to worry about, not your actual looks. (I need to practice what I preach!)

DISCLAIMER Do not brush off the dickheads at your work. They’re absolute arseholes that deserve to lose their jobs. Even if someone looked like Shrek had a love child with Mr Blobby there is no reason on this earth to make fun of it or draw pictures (?!). Normal people would just think oh that person is unusual looking, then nothing. They’d think nothing more of it.

Be brave. Tell your boss. And look for a new job in the meantime where people are not evil.

Londontown12 · 17/07/2023 21:35

Having strong features is when you stand out ! And that means in a good way !
id say your colleagues are jealous ! But also arseholes you need to report them it is bullying to make themselves feel better ! Enjoy your strong features x

Wildlyboring · 17/07/2023 21:37

What the fuck this is awful! I'd take zero notice of what those shit heads are saying but definitely report them this is bullying.

I'd take striking as a compliment and my first thoughts would be someone with strong brows or defined cheekbones, a memorable eye colour.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/07/2023 21:41

I'm so upset that you are being treated like this at work. You really need to report this. If you are in a union, perhaps contact them and ask for advice on what actions you can take. I am not from the UK but if you could get free legal advice from an employment lawyer it would be good. Management don't always treat these matters as well as they should. This is bullying pure and simple and should be taken seriously. It would be fantastic if you can gather as much proof as possible. Get a diary and write down all the nasty things being said to you, putting date, time and who said what. If you can get your hands on the drawings.

If you can go to work and have as little to do as possible with these people. Only speak to them if it is work related. I work where I can put my ear pods in but you may not be able to do that. Some of my work colleagues are really awful but I'm not going into how. I just put my ear pods in now so I don't have to listen to their crap.

When you look in the mirror OP do you like what you see? We can't change how we look but we can change how we feel about how we look. If you're not happy, perhaps counselling could help. I know it can be expensive and if you can't afford it perhaps some self help books could be a start.

If we become comfortable in our own skin then it becomes less important when people comment on our appearance. People can be real shit heads. I hope you have good people in your life that offer support because it's tough going to work around toxic people.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/07/2023 21:42

bonoslefteyebrow · 17/07/2023 16:54

There's something wrong with your colleagues bullying you that's for sure.

I'd be speaking to my manager.

There is nothing wrong in looking any way at all 😡

This and only this.

toodlesofoodles · 17/07/2023 21:43

GEC44 · 17/07/2023 19:43

Thanks everyone. It's probably irrelevant but I'm a few years older than the group making the comments about me. I'm worried that their remarks are the general consensus of the office.

Whether or not HR or the Manager will act is another matter.

I wish I'd asked the beauty therapist what she meant by 'strong features'. Perhaps she was trying to nicely say that I do indeed look masculine ☹️

The HR manager WILL act as you're putting in a formal complaint of bullying. Your colleagues are bullying you.

I'm a lot older than most of my colleagues and none of them would dream of being so disrespectful. It's not an age thing. It's a them thing.

toodlesofoodles · 17/07/2023 21:46

I can also, without ever setting eyes on you, guarantee that the only ugly ones in this scenario are your disgusting work colleagues.

StormTreader · 17/07/2023 21:47

When I think "striking" and "strong featured", I think Gwendoline Christie.

VivienneViennetta · 17/07/2023 21:49

Your colleagues sound like a bag of dicks.

HTH.

thisisallquitecomplicated · 17/07/2023 21:56

People are generally herd animals, they can find 'commonality' in anything, and sadly, in loving or hating anyone. It sounds like you have become the inspiration of the creation of common cause among your younger colleagues. Basically, they are bonding over belittling you (and very likely, numerous other victims). You have become an entry in their personal Mean Girls' 'Burn Book'.

Crucially, it is important to understand this in essence has nothing to do with you. It could have been anyone or anything that had gotten in their crosshairs, and provided the 'common cause'. It just is hurtful it happens to be you this time, as no self-respecting professional should be involved in bullying like this.

You show them boss. Do not hesitate. It does not matter if what they say has any truth to it - it is unacceptable behaviour on the work floor. Report them, and show that you will not accept being disrespected in your place of work.

Moreover, please don't let a bunch of younger colleagues make you doubt yourself. However you look, I am sure it is the least important and interesting thing about you.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 17/07/2023 21:58

They sound awful.

Do you wear a lot of make up up? I find some people do look a bit drag queen with too much make up.

Beaverbridge · 17/07/2023 21:58

They sound like mean girls/bullies. Report them.

Devonshiregal · 17/07/2023 21:59

thisisallquitecomplicated · 17/07/2023 21:56

People are generally herd animals, they can find 'commonality' in anything, and sadly, in loving or hating anyone. It sounds like you have become the inspiration of the creation of common cause among your younger colleagues. Basically, they are bonding over belittling you (and very likely, numerous other victims). You have become an entry in their personal Mean Girls' 'Burn Book'.

Crucially, it is important to understand this in essence has nothing to do with you. It could have been anyone or anything that had gotten in their crosshairs, and provided the 'common cause'. It just is hurtful it happens to be you this time, as no self-respecting professional should be involved in bullying like this.

You show them boss. Do not hesitate. It does not matter if what they say has any truth to it - it is unacceptable behaviour on the work floor. Report them, and show that you will not accept being disrespected in your place of work.

Moreover, please don't let a bunch of younger colleagues make you doubt yourself. However you look, I am sure it is the least important and interesting thing about you.

Yes this is well said

Theblacksheepandme · 17/07/2023 21:59

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 17/07/2023 21:58

They sound awful.

Do you wear a lot of make up up? I find some people do look a bit drag queen with too much make up.

Oh FFS.

GoadySockFucker · 17/07/2023 22:00

Are you a man? Or were you, previously?
Regardless, why do you care so much about colleagues joking about your looks? They sound immature, but life isn't a beauty contest.
Worse if they were maligning your competence, surely?

gemstoneju · 17/07/2023 22:00

People get taken to employment tribunals for shit like this. Some get the sack.

Bitching goes on, but drawing nasty cartoons of someone is completely out of order in any workplace. Ask to see your workplace policy on harassment and dignity at work.

You would need the evidence obviously. But these little bastards need a rocket. It's not a primary school and if they can't behave like adults, they don't deserve a job.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 17/07/2023 22:03

Your colleagues are arseholes who would find something to sneer about in the appearance of literally anyone they saw and you are almost certainly not the only person who has had this treatment from them.

There's nothing wrong with how you look. I don't need to see you to know that. Some people will think you're gorgeous and some people just won't see it. That's the same for everyone. Name any beautiful Hollywood actress or model and at least a quarter of the people you ask will say they don't understand why anyone thinks they're gorgeous. There is a serious problem with how your colleagues behave at work. I would go to HR.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 17/07/2023 22:05

Theblacksheepandme · 17/07/2023 21:59

Oh FFS.

It is true though.

Some people look better without too much make up.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 17/07/2023 22:06

The problem that needs fixing here is not how OP looks or how much makeup she wears.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 17/07/2023 22:06

Theblacksheepandme · 17/07/2023 21:59

Oh FFS.

Sometimes natural make up suits some people.

Why are you offended?

Italiangreyhound · 17/07/2023 22:07

Your colleagues sound awful. report.

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