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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

352 replies

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:09

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

OP posts:

empatheticpretzel · 17/07/2023 10:11

Can you put her into nursery for the weeks your parents wont be having her

WeightInLine · 17/07/2023 10:12

YABVU.

Sorry, but you expect your DM to be live in childcare for below market rate and now you are surprised she wants to be in her own home some of the time? You are so unreasonable.

Blimey OP, if I were in your shoes I’d be sending her flowers for even offering this.

Overthebow · 17/07/2023 10:12

Have you talked to the parents and said you don’t feel comfortable with their suggestion? I’d have that conversation if not, whilst enquiring with the nursery about a full time place for DD.

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 17/07/2023 10:13

Breathe a sigh of relief you won't have such an intrusion imo! Nursery will be a more stable option. Giving you peace of mind nobody is letting you down at short notice. Can you apply for help with childcare via your course?

SomePosters · 17/07/2023 10:13

Their offer is very kind.

if you aren’t willing to compromise to make their lives easier in return then you best start looking for full time nursery places.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 17/07/2023 10:13

Yabu. Your parents were planning to make a massive sacrifice for very little return. It's reasonable of them to want to compromise.

Curtains70 · 17/07/2023 10:13

My Mum does help me with childcare but I wouldn't expect her to move in and pay her pennies 🤣

Original poster

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:15

WeightInLine My parents offered I did not ask them. My mum hates her job and has been wanting to quit for ages and was happy about the arrangement. It is the short notice I am annoyed about. I won't be able to get her into the nursery at the University full time now so will have to look for others.

OP posts:

SplitLevel · 17/07/2023 10:15

apart from saying we’re adults and you can swear and not have to I can’t work out which swearword you are wanting to use? I need to know!

id tell them you’d miss DD too much and are going to look for nursery which will mean full time as tire paying and see if they are happy with that or coke back with something else. It’s a huge thing for her to be away from home every week. But it’s also crap to offer and take it away which she hasn’t and she thinks she’s still helping you out at her own expense which she is. It’s just a big ask for everyone

StopFeckingFaffing · 17/07/2023 10:15

Yes you need to secure a full time nursery place or as many days as possible

4 days a week is a big commitment for your Mum so perhaps if you could get 3 or 4 days at nursery then your Mum might be willing to do 1 or 2 days?

Annoying that your Mum agreed to something which she now doesn't feel able to do but hopefully you can sort an alternative arrangements before October

memyselfi · 17/07/2023 10:17

£100 per week 😆

blahblahblah1654 · 17/07/2023 10:17

I can see why your mum doesn't want to live at your house half of the time. In your case id send her to nursery full time. You'll have to manage the rest between you and your DH. it's what most people have to do.

FourTeaFallOut · 17/07/2023 10:17

I think this is too much for your dm to take on and I think it is too much to ask of someone. I think this was the inevitable outcome.

Original poster

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:17

It is the offering and then them changing their mind at short notice where I might not be able to secure full time nursery. I would have applied for full time nursery in February otherwise.

OP posts:

blahblahblah1654 · 17/07/2023 10:18

You have months until February to find a place. I don't see the problem? She's changed her mind and that's that. It's a big commitment and fair enough it's annoying for you but that's life.

Original poster

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:18

I think it is too much to ask of someone My mum offered I did not ask. It is the changing their mind with short notice that is the problem

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 17/07/2023 10:18

I think neither of you are in the wrong as such and I certainly wouldn't want to fall out over it. It seems like they've seen how excited you are and offered to help but then realised how practically it wouldn't work for them. If it's for a year be honest, how would it work for your mum to be away from your dad for 3 nights a week? How could you have ever thought that would work out well? Instead they've come up with an alternative solution that in their eyes at least helps you but doesn't inconvenience them as much.

Is there absolutely no flexibility in your dhs job, for example could he not compress his hours or work weekends so he could do more of the childcare and spit it with nursery? If not then as you've said it's the opportunity that matters not the money so I'd be inclined to find a suitable nursery instead.

blahblahblah1654 · 17/07/2023 10:19

Oh sorry I thought you meant this feb. Still a huge commitment and she's changed her mind

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/07/2023 10:19

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:17

It is the offering and then them changing their mind at short notice where I might not be able to secure full time nursery. I would have applied for full time nursery in February otherwise.

I can completely understand why you are angry - changing their minds late in the day.

They've obviously realised its too big a commitment. I hope you can get something sorted.

5foot5 · 17/07/2023 10:19

YABU. I don't think you should have accepted your DM's offer in the first place. That would be a massive sacrifice for her to make and perhaps as the time got closer she began to realize that this would be unworkable and as tried to mitigate things. She is still offering childcare, just not on the original terms.

But seriously, why did you think it was reasonable in the first place for your Mum to basically give up her own job and live apart from your Dad to be your very low paid live in nanny for the foreseeable future?

Put your DD in the full time nursery like so many others do. If this course is as useful as you hope then the investment will pay off eventually.

Rocketpants50 · 17/07/2023 10:20

You need reliable childcare - what if your mum is sick, decides to take a break, changes her mind? Maybe she now realised what she has offered is going to be too much for her. Put her name down for the university one asap incase someone drops out and in the meantime look for a childminder or a different nursery.

User5653218 · 17/07/2023 10:20

I would let dd go to stay with your mum. We did similar with ds from about age 1 and he loved it, they loved it, I missed him at first but soon also came to love those few days a fortnight to catch my breath.

Otherwise you'll need to find a nursery.

I think expecting your mum to spend half her life at your house was too big an ask. And I would soon find that completely overwhelming. Unless you have an enormous house

Oysterbabe · 17/07/2023 10:21

Have you told her you aren't comfortable with that?

FourTeaFallOut · 17/07/2023 10:21

Well back in February it might have seemed a lot easier when your dd was a tiny newborn and now, on the brink of the stage when you are effectively in 100% defense mode between them and everything they try to fall into, eat, pull on themselves, it might appear to be a much weightier obligation.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 17/07/2023 10:22

Does the £100 cover loss of earnings and travel costs?

If not it should

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