What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

My parents have looked after all 3 of my children they have come round to our house to have them as I still breastfed and wfm. The big difference is they live 5min drive away and can nip home whenever they like. I do 4 days compressed ft hours, so they arrive 7.30am and don't leave until 5.30pm. It's intense for them even with them going home when we both finish work. I have always said to my parents the moment it gets too much just tell us and we will think of plan b. If they decided they didn't want to do it anymore I wouldn't be mad.

I think what you are asking is way too much, maybe if you lived 5 min drive away and they could carry on their lives whilst you were at work/training, but what you are asking is so much more, I'm not surprised they had a rethink. You maybe haven't factored in what you'll do when they go on holiday or are sick, we have at least 3 weeks every year where we have no childcare, usually around 2 weeks of them on holidays and other random days where they are too ill to do childcare or have medical appointments etc. You'd never have this issue with a nursery. I'd say ft nursery is the best option for you, you just have to hope there's still space.

Yes, it would have been more convenient for everyone to have more clarity about the demands of the situation before agreements were made. I suspect it would be worse if she did it for two weeks and then made that realization, leaving you only a weekend to work out the childcare.

Trying to work out what s means 🤔

It's not unreasonable to be miffed that they made this offer then changed their minds but all you can do now is find an alternative. You can't rely on them so make arrangements that don't involve them.

With all the stars, Mumsnet cut them out of my post 😂

Nursery is more expensive yes, but ultimately the better option. It doesn't sound like this plan was ever going to work. To be fair, my in-laws are very disinterested and unreliable normally, so we did have reason to check further, but MIL, back when our first child was due to start nursery in a few months, said she'd take him one day a week (offered, we've never asked anyone). We took it with a pinch of salt and nearer the time asked if it was still okay and (kindly) reminded her it would need to be every week (excluding obvious illness, emergency, etc.) as we wouldn't be able to just take a day off if she didn't feel like it last minute (they are always late, or just don't show up without any notice, in general). Her response? "What? I've never mentioned watching him at all, sorry but I definitely couldn't, I'm too busy." 😂
Always a good idea to really make sure, even with usually reliable people! I think sometimes they don't realise the level of commitment when they initially offer.

OP, who's idea was the amount of £100? Yours or theirs? My mums

@blushpear Did you miss the part of the OP's post where she said her mum OFFERED?! The OP didn't ASK her. 🙄

I get why you're annoyed but this was never going to work, I'm a bit surprised you didn't apply for university nursery anyway. Older people have no idea how hard places are to come by. Easier to apply and then turn that down, than have to scramble for a place. Lesson learned for next time OP. You need plan a, b, c and d with kids.
I'd get in touch with uni nursery to see if you can be put on a waiting list, just in case another student drops out and you can get that space.

So we can assume she was happy with that amount, seeing as she suggested it.

People are being unfairly harsh OP.

Start looking for full time nursery/childminder slots - fingers cross you've find one soon

I think it's meant to be "shafted" ?

I know you didn't ask and your mother offered op. I was a generous and extremely unselfish offer which she probably made in good faith because she wanted to help you.
I can see how, on reflection she has realized it would be unworkable for her. To stay at your house 3 nights every week means realistically 4 days of her own life lost in terms of any personal time at all.
Even when you don't like your job, early retirement is a massive adjustment and with 4 days away from home she can't make that adjustment. Anything she needed)wanted to do, shopping, doctors appointments, seeing friends , her own housework would have to be fitted into the other 3 days. She would have no down time, where once the children were in bed she could relax in her own home watching her own choice of programme, eating, cooking her own choice of food. Unless you have a separate sitting room for her she would be around you and partner all evening. Having done you a huge favour during the day she would inevitably be fitting in with yours and your partner's choices every evening. She could not see her own friends, have them around or go out for a while with them. Even if you say she hasn't any friends ect, retirement changes everything . If she has a partner)husband she would be away from them half the week every week. She would be in a very lonely, isolating position at your house. Very long days for her. It's a pity she offered in the first place op but best that she has realized before the time comes. I can't see how this arrangement would work long term and you would be in a much worse position looking for childcare if she had resigned from this arrangement a few weeks in. Hope you don't fall out with your DM over it. Good luck with alternative child care. 💐
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Spunked?

Yes but the offer was a Herculean one. If somebody offers something which will obliterate their current lifestyle then you need to be ready for that offer to be rescinded. Eventually the glow of the hero moment wears off and they are left wondering how the fuck they will operate. This is why you should always under promise and over-deliver. But, it's hard for some women when everyone buys into the narrative of a good mother being one built on sacrifice and martyrdom.

How is OP entitled? Her mother offered to do it. How many would turn the offer down.

Have you got wrap around childcare in place for your DS or would you be expecting her to look after him too?

It was an utterly bonkers offer - what on earth was your mum thinking when she made it! My response would have been "Gosh mum, that's really generous but utterly bonkers - you can't give up your entire job (even if you have it) alongside the salary, paid holidays, pension etc and spend half your life away from home! What about 1 or 2 days, that would really help us out?" The £100 per week would then, at least, be reasonable payment to cover fuel, loss of earnings etc.

It's a pity it took her so long to break the news to you though, presumably she was worried about telling you but of course she should have done it sooner knowing that you would need to make other arrangements.

Get a live in nanny for 4 days a week…..and pay the going rate. That’s what you’re expecting.

She shouldn't have offered and then changed the goalposts.
Talk to Nursery before you do anything else.

It’s doesn’t matter whether their offer is generous or not if it doesn’t work for you. Just go for the nursery full time instead (especially if your phd will cover the costs, doesn’t matter there won’t be anything left). It is an investment into your career and future. You can ask your mum to help on other occasions like some evenings or weekends instead (it will be lovely and generous of her to help then etc so treat her accordingly)

'hate it' not 'have it'!

Well I would have done. It's obviously mad. As the OP says - her parents live 60 miles away!

They’ve merely asked whether it’s ok, just say no she’s too young.

Even though your mother offered, it was so extraordinarily generous of her, that I think I would have had in my mind already that it would be unlikely to happen exactly as she'd stated once she properly realised what she was signing up for. I think if you'd have said in the first place 'don't be silly, that's too much, we'll bring her to you' or '£100 won't even hardly cover your travel mum, we'll pay you a sensible amount' or whatever.

Hey mum, give up your entire life, leave your husband to be on his own 4 days a week, stop working, and earn £100 as a full time live in nanny.

Can't imagine why she doesn't want to do this.