What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

You have several weeks before October which is plenty of time. Your mum has probably had a think about the realities of staying in someone's house 4 days a week and going back to sleepless nights.
£100.00 per week is £25 per day which is about £1.00 foe each hour she is there, maybe she can't afford to give up her paid work even if sh doesn't like it?

Childcare.co.uk is good for childminders OP

Finally someone has flagged this point. It's telling OP is just bypassing the money side but £25 per week is F all. Unless her mother is well off like you are saying the mother is still working for a reason presumably money like most despite OP claiming her mum was going to give it up anyway. She hasn't though and this is key.

Yes. Imo it was stupid of you to accept the offer

It's obviously a ludicrous offer and completely un-doable with ridiculously low pay. But offered out of love.

Your Mother has now realised all of the above and has bitten the bullet (probably she's mortified) to try to find a better way around this, for her, but still helping you

I am gobsmacked that you'd think what your Mother offered was doable, fair on her and reasonable

I think you DM meant well and has offered a compromise so you shouldn't be hard on her. It does appear that she would be sacrificing an awful lot.

If baby stays at GP's there will be two of them sharing the load and going about their lives, shopping, meeting friends etc.

If you insist DM stays with you she will be living like a Nanny. Will she have access to a car? 60 miles from her DH and friends.

I understand why you would have snapped her hand off to accept this offer. But I think you should have talked about so many situations you wouldn't have been covered for like sickness, holidays, etc.

I also don't understand why this is a you and DM problem to fix. Can DH not adjust working pattern so he can parent his DC?

Have you considered deferring your course and carrying on as you are for now? Is there a particular reason for the urgency?

First, enquire at the uni nursery and ask if you could be put on a waiting list- PhD will last a few years, so you may be able to move your child later, or someone will drop out. And then look around for other places, or maybe somewhere along the commute?

I think the initial offer was extremely generous and not sustainable, and both sides should have realised it was not doable.

@Acornsoup a year is a long time, why would OP want to defer and wait- the urgency is another year without contributing to pension etc etc. And sitting at home with kids, not ideal if she wants to do somethign else.

OPs mum sounds like she needs to sort her own life out. OP has a husband. I'm sorry but OPs mother is not obligated to take on this huge favour! Because OP wants to climb the ladder. She needs to use a CM.

Why don't you actually discuss this with your dm. You say she has “asked” not demanded or stipulated that your dd stays at their house every other week. Why has she asked this? Could it possibly be that looking after a toddler for three whole days is totally exhausting for grandmothers and if the child goes to her home, then she may get a bit of support from your father. She may also feel more comfortable in her own home, she may have friends with other grandchildren nearby. You don’t seem to have discussed this with your dm, just gone off on one, that she has “S” all over you, which she certainly has NOT done. YABU

I am not saying she should, I am saying it is an option.

i feel very sorry for your Mother , have you any respect for your parents?
paying her £100 a week is an insult. Expecting her to give up her life and live with you the majority of the week and look after a baby is unreasonable.
You decided to have another baby and when it was a few months old decided you need to focus on your career / pension etc.

The offer of having the baby at her home every other week is a huge commitment but you are unwilling to compromise and basically expect her to give up her life .

The end of the day, if you can’t find the childcare then you just can’t do it. This is the reason why I’d never rely on anyone and i why I’m not going to get job during the day until my youngest is at school, because I realised a long time ago (I’ve got older kids too) that you just can’t rely on people for long term commitment’s because they change their minds when they realise how much of a big commitment it is to help every week. Before you give up all hope maybe look at childminders for your little girl as it might be a cheaper more flexible option

something similar happened to me with my DSM and they don’t really think through the impact on you and DD. What she is proposing is your baby being away for half the week. I only had one night day at DSM but had to curtail it after six months as it became problematic is baby was being left with friends where she had double booked appointments, friends I hadn’t even met etc

Definitely try and get what you can at nursery but if you could combine with say 1/2 days and one overnight, would that feel more palatable for your mum? Would also give you an alternative should your DD be unwell and can’t attend nursery.

I agree notice is not great but sounds like she hadn’t thought through her initial offer and is trying to roll back from it.

Is it really such an odd concept to some that family often WANT to help out and look after the children of other family members?

Raise your own children? Yeah cool, will do. Who is going to pay for the mortgage if I'm not working?

Using a nursery before funding isn't an option for everyone, depending on earning potential it would eat up a huge chunk of someone's wage.
I know millions of people have no option, and I think that's such a shame

Yes, the OP is an extreme example of a family member helping out, but some on MN seem to think having family look after children is CF-ery of the highest order.

If a family member OFFERED, why would people turn it down?

I was in the lucky position that family did help me before both mine were in school, so I was able to choose nursery hours based on our finances and I absolutely hope I'm in the position to do the same for my children when the time comes.

Because we are then into the realms of someone who has worked all their adult life, brought up their own kids , looking forward to actually being able to have activities/holidays,/hobbies that they put off until retirement, then being unable to do any of that. Don't forget that if there are adult kids[plural] the time spent providing childcare could be endless. By the time grandkids are off to school, they are too knackered for any of that.

Absolutely, in which case they surely wouldn't offer?

Huge difference between accepting an offer of help, and expecting it.

And as I said upthread, trying to be helpful and then realising how tiring it can be is a good reason to rethink, it would have been better not to offer, but worse to try and then find out it was too tiring or whatever. { I have zero prospects of grandkids, just to be clear]

Sorry if I've missed it but is there no help to come from DH's parents? Can they not help out a little

Let me get this right..

You want your mum and dad to live apart half the week so your mum can look after your kids. You want her to travel 60 miles, live with you for 3 days, spend her back 60 miles and then expect her to do that every week for £100!?! Jeeze! She already did the sacrificing of her life raising her own kids - why should she do it again to raise yours! I understand its a good opportunity but you should have at least checked with nursery before excepting!

It's extremely selfish and entitled to be angry with your parents for realising that actually it completely screws up their life and a phd isnt a short course!

You need to sort out nursery, a nanny share, childminder or something because that was way too much to ask of your parents.

Quite!!

Let me get this right....

You still haven't grasped that (however ridiculous the offer) the parents suggested it in the first place?

@fishface22 it doesn't matter that the mother offered first. You don't know her reasons. She offered TOO much just because a family offer or whoever it may be makes you an offer it doesn't mean you have to accept it. Perhaps OPs mum can't live on a mere £25 a week or the crunch of giving up a job she doesn't like seems very real as it's getting nearer.

Has OP even stopped to ask her mum how she is going to cope finicially? It's all very one sided to me. It's tough at the end she choose to have another baby she needs to use a CM.

Presumably her reasons were to help her daughter and spend time with her grandchild? It's not difficult. I agree it was an unrealistic plan but the mother is the one at fault for suggesting it in the first place. Then realising how unrealistic it was at such a late stage and leaving op in the lurch.

Why the op is being blamed for simply accepting an offer of childcare I don't know. Fwiw I know lots of people whose family help out to this extent for free (minus the moving to live with them - that is just daft). Yet on MN you're apparently 'entitled' for daring to accept any offer of childcare from anyone ever. Bizarre.

I’m pretty sure she meant ‘screwed’. Not exactly a swear word but the only thing I can think of that makes any sense. 😊

It seems a good offer and a more realistic plan. DD being away for 3 days every fortnight is not that much and would give you a better chance to study. I would do it on a temporary basis while you look into other options, it will take the drama out of it.