What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

Your mother's offer was absurdly generous, so there was always a 99 per cent chance she would want to row back on it.

Pp are completely hung up on the wrong thing, but I think that’s because of how you worded your op
its very annoying of your mum to change her mind, but also normal now that reality kicked in and she realised she’s taking a wage hit, gaining more responsibility and moving to someone else’s house 4 days a week. It was not a good solution in the first place and you all should have realised that.

so have you called the nursery and confirmed they can’t give you more days?
youll need to find a second nursery if not.
but firstly look at how much you actually need to be on campus. When I did mine a few years ago, there were no classes and very little reason to be on campus. Obviously if you need labs or specialist equipment that may be different, but I did almost the entire thing from home in my own time.
So if the nursery have a few more days, even if not the whole week, you could put her in on those and study all day.
Then on the other days is there a work around solution for example could DH get them up and do breakfast etc, whilst you cram a few hours studying in the morning. Then once he’s home you clock off parenting and do a few hours studying in the evening.
And would your mum be willing to still come for one day maybe.

have a look at other ways to make it work. The perks of the phd is that you can be very flexible.

OP, I have a lot of sympathy for your position as I too would have taken such an offer in good faith. In fact, I was in a similar place to you, started a PhD when mine were 1 and 4. Mine was unfunded (had hoped to get independent funding but it didn't work out) and I struggled with the balancing act (one in school one in full time nursery+childminder combo). When the youngest started school I was still trying to progress and my mother not only retired from her self-employed work, but arranged to come from overseas to help me out with school pickups, homework, music practice during the week.

When my eldest was a baby I'd gone back to a clinical job part-time, and used a childminder because the nursery place we'd applied for months before wasn't available in time. I met several other internationally trained doctors with small children whose mothers had moved in with them to allow them to continue working and training full time (I was a bit shocked at first to realise how common that was).

A lot of posters on here are failing to understand the huge distinction between "grandparent makes a very generous offer and appears to mean it", and "grandparent is asked to help". There really are grandparents around who make offers like this and make it work.

With regards to whether or not your mother's altered suggestion could work for you, I don't know the answer. Try to keep communications open while you hunt out possible options. And very best wishes for your studies!

I think she blanked out 'screwed' 😂

YABVU OP.

I don't think it is particularly short notice. Most people who'd be starting a new job in October wouldn't know yet.

I don't blame her for having 2nd thoughts. The offer to have DD at their house is a good one IMO.

If the uni nursery is for students there’s a number of people who will drop out before Christmas. Could you go on a wait list?

Obviously you’ll need a nursery till then but sometimes you have to wait and see.

They’re not being realistic, you can’t separate a baby that young from its mother every week like that. It’s better you found out now than September though.

Good luck with your PhD.

Are we still guessing 😄

🌟for you.
I feel you need it.

You should be entitled to childcare costs via your uni, check with student services. You can then organise a nursery/ childminder instead of relying on parents.

And whatever she has blanked out it makes no difference. She isn't fucked/shafted/screwed. The parents' offer of childcare still stands. They are still prepared to put their lives on hold to look after a grandchild 4 days a week, every week. They have just said that every other week the child will be with them at their house, rather than granny moving in with OP every week.

Past tense of shit is definitely shat?

It was annoying of her to offer and then withdraw although I think it almost inevitable as it would have been a lot to stay at your house so much. Perhaps agree initially but put your child's name down at a nursery waitlist. It hopefully won’t take too long. Whatever you do don't give up on the PhD.

I'm another one that thinks it was a very daft plan, whoever thought of it. It was always too much to expect someone to live at your house half the week, especially for such little reward. I can understand it's frustrating having the suggestion changed though. I'd say that DC2 staying over at her's isn't going to work for you so can she stuck to the original plan while you find a nursery place.

It's not a good offer! Who would want to be away from their baby all week? OP would be in a better position if her mother hadn't offered anything in the first place and then she would have got a place in nursery.

I can see why you are annoyed and frustrated, but at least you've had some notice; if your mum had started this daft arrangement - even if it was her suggestion - and she found herself on her knees by Christmas you could have been scrabbling about for childcare with much less time. Does the nursery have a waiting list?

It doesn't really stand if it means OP is going to see very little of their child because they're staying somewhere else. Who would want that? OP is in a worse position than she would have been if her mother hadn't offered as she has probably lost out on a place at nursery as a consequence.

@RebelR there’s a shortage of childcare places in my area with waiting lists of over a year at most of the nurseries. So two months notice wouldn’t be sufficient.

Sorry OP but I feel a bit sorry for your mum in this. She made the offer but that didn't come from nowhere, you must have talked to her about how hard is was going to be for you, etc. and how much you wanted to do this. Your mum got carried away with the idea of helping you and painted herself into a corner.

That £100 per week is risible. You say your Mum suggested it, she may well have done but that amount is paltry and I can't imagine why you accepted that your mum should do this for that amount?

You've happily slotted your mum into a childcare role when her role was gran/nan, when she tried to negotiate your daughter staying at her house (still providing you with the childcare you want), you've vetoed it without thinking of anything beyond yours and your husband's wants. You have the cheek to be angry at your mum/parents.

You can't have everything your own way when you don't have all the parts covered - and you don't. Find a way through for yourself and make peace with your parents, it was an unbelievably kind offer in the first place, don't hold them to account for their attempting to modify it.

OP is in a worse position than she would have been if her mother hadn't offered as she has probably lost out on a place at nursery as a consequence. Yes this, I wish she has not offered. Perhaps stupid of me to accept the offer.

I disagree. There's nothing worse than people who offer to do things then withdraw them at short notice and put you in a worse position than you would have been if they hadn't made the offer.

Maybe your DF has realised his wife is going to be away a lot of the time and he would like to see a bit of her too. They are doing you a big favour for practically nothing, why not let the 8 mo old stay a few nights a fortnight with his grandparents, you'll still have him most of the time and if you are doing a course you may need some peaceful study time as well. Might work out best all round.

OP when is the earliest your uni nursery has space from? Could you stick to the arrangement with your mum until the nursery space comes free?

Your mum was foolish to offer - something she's clearly realised now. Obviously it came from a nice place but it was very naive of her - it's a huge commitment. I understand that you are annoyed but I think even at the point she offered, I am surprised that no one (including you) thought about the implications of this. Using a family member for that much childcare (including her living at your house) is always going to be complicated and even fraught. What if she is unwell or wants to go on holiday? Most people I know who enter into a grandparent childcare set up end up having issues and resentments. We decided early on that we would be paying through the nose for nursery. You're paying for consistency and reliability. I think I'd explain that I don't want my child to live away from their own home (this would be a hard no for me) and that on reflection, it would be best to arrange nursery instead. She might be a bit miffed but it's better than any other alternative.

My baby went to full time nursery at 9 months, having done childminder from 5 months. No choice in the matter, my job needed me back and I don't have parents or ILs.

Any reason why you can't do the same? I understand it's annoying to have plans change but nursery is still an option? Expensive, yes, but that is what it is.

Have you contacted the nursery to find out if there is a full time place for your daughter?