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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

352 replies

WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:09

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

OP posts:
namechange55465 · 17/07/2023 10:41

blahblahblah1654 · 17/07/2023 10:18

You have months until February to find a place. I don't see the problem? She's changed her mind and that's that. It's a big commitment and fair enough it's annoying for you but that's life.

She starts in October not February

FourTeaFallOut · 17/07/2023 10:41

Screwed 🤦🏼‍♀️, yup makes sense.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 17/07/2023 10:42

I am going against the grain here. YANBU @WhatToDoNow86 Your mum OFFERED, and has now reneged. Bit of a shitty thing to do. However, you have no choice but to do things her way, or find a nursery.

Zippedydodah · 17/07/2023 10:42

As a grandmother I empathise with your mother, I looked after my young DGCs, first just one then two of them and it is hard work.
Luckily I could spend the time staying with DS and DDIL for several weeks at a time, but it’s not something that everyone’s GM can do obviously.
You’ve got at least 2 months to rearrange your childcare, I hope you find something suitable.

cactusjane · 17/07/2023 10:43

I think the point is that they offered, they made a plan, op made arrangements in line with this plan and now they are wanting to change things at the last minute. Offering childcare is very generous but to change the goalposts at such a late stage is unfair because now the op has a panic on trying to sort things out. Nursery is possible full now whereas if she'd known this from the start she could have secured a place.

I don't blame you for being annoyed op. It's kind of them to offer but when you get messed about you almost wish they hadn't bothered.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 17/07/2023 10:44

@cactusjane Exactly that. ^

Hesma · 17/07/2023 10:44

Honestly I think you’re a right CF expecting your mum to give up work to look after your baby. Put her in nursery.

mintbiscuit · 17/07/2023 10:44

Wow, this might possibly the most entitled thread I’ve seen yet!!

How on earth could you accept your mother living away from home on a regular basis. Let alone paying just £100 pw to do this??

glad your mum has come to her senses. Looking after babies is hard work, let alone having to live away from your home to do it!!

Potentialmadcatlady · 17/07/2023 10:44

Oh for goodness sake… you expected your Mum to give up her job, her home for more than half the week and her own social life/time with her husband so you can ‘better yourself’. Then you get cross when she realises it is too much and gives you notice in July when you aren’t starting until next year. You decided to have those children not your Mum. You need to give your head a wobble

britnay · 17/07/2023 10:44

Have you contacted the University to see if they have a nursery?

VWT5 · 17/07/2023 10:45

Please think of it from your parents perspective.
If it’s 60 miles, presumably it’s a 120 mile round trip - more than 2.5 hrs driving plus cost of fuel to consider.
If your Mum is offering one week in two at yours, she is still giving up a lot - her own social life, running her own home, her own routine, consideration of your father and his routine, working harder when she is at home to condense things she can’t do when at yours.
She will presumably also want to pay her own NIC’s - to preserve her eligibility for state pension.

Original poster
WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:46

@cactusjane Yes this

OP posts:
redskytwonight · 17/07/2023 10:47

Yes I can see that this is incredibly annoying, but I would question whether it would have worked anyway. At least this way, you haven't limped through an arrangement that didn't really suit anyone before having to rethink it.

I guess your options are to agree with your mother's plan or hunt out other childcare. Ring every possible nursery and childminder. Still time to get a place somewhere before October.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 17/07/2023 10:47

I think I'm reading a different thread to most, as nowhere has the OP expected anything.

She's accepted an offer, yes.

OP, who's idea was the amount of £100? Yours or theirs?

Mythicalcreatures · 17/07/2023 10:48

The first plan was never going to work and you should have realised this and refused the offer. Your mother's compromise is still a huge ask for her and you are being really rude about someone who is prepared to sacrifice so much of her own life to help you out.

Parkandpicnic · 17/07/2023 10:48

I can understand it’s disappointing for your parents to have changed their minds but was quite a big ask and they were duly entitled to do so. Much better you find a nursery/childminder who is happy for the work then for your parents to have kept quiet.
I wouldn’t worry about having 11 month old in a good nursery full time, our youngest DC went from the same age full time and was fine, lots of children go full time, quality of the childcare main factor

LovingLivingLife · 17/07/2023 10:49

I accidentally think it's really unfair of everyone to say that you shouldn't have accepted in case it was too much for her. Your mum is a grown up and you should be able to trust that she can manage if she offers it.

And for everyone saying that 2 months is ages to sort something out - when did you last need to find a full time nursery place. I am currently looking 9 months in advance and struggling to find a good place that meets our needs.

OP I completely understand being annoyed that you are no longer able to get a place for her at your ideal nursery because of your mum's offer and subsequently pulling out. Get yourself on the list ASAP and perhaps you can work out a compromise with your mum for the short term until you are able to get a place? Perhaps nursery can do 3 days every week and she can come to yours for 1-2 days? Best of luck with finding a solution

Namechangedagain20 · 17/07/2023 10:49

I don’t think YABU as they suggested the plan. It’s annoying that they've changed it now, but I would start looking for childcare (contact the uni, some have nurseries/childcare on site and they should have a service that offers advice to students about childcare, they usually have connections with nurseries in the area). No way would I spend 50% of the week away from my child.

blushpear · 17/07/2023 10:49

I'm not sold on "she hates her job and I'm doing her a favour". Your mum could just reduce her hours to 1 day and a few hours (assuming she's on min wage, that's £100 worth) to get the same wage she's getting for slaving after a child for 4 days.

Your mum's initial offer sounds extremely kind on her part, if overly sacrificial. At least she realised her limits early and gave you a few months of advance notice, rather than after the arrangement started.

ModestMoon · 17/07/2023 10:49

Beg your nursery. Accept any offers of extra days that nursery give you. Do your PhD in the evenings where you can in the meantime, DH takes leave where he can where that is not possible.

huwareyoutojudge · 17/07/2023 10:49

YANBU for being upset at them for going back on what was agreed.

Don’t rely on them and opt for nursery instead

Bitsyvonmuffling77 · 17/07/2023 10:49

My friends daughter stayed at her grandparents from around 1, their DD did nursery Monday, and she picked them up early, dropped them at Grandparents Tuesday morning and picked them up Thursday late afternoon and she compressed her hours to have Friday off. Her DD loved the time with grandparents and tbh, if they are in full time nursery presuming you pick them up at 6ish, they are normally asleep by 7 and then whats the point? At least your DD would be with grandparents at home, you can video call etc. You could eveb stay over one night a week?

Original poster
WhatToDoNow86 · 17/07/2023 10:50

notice in July when you aren’t starting until next year it starts in October. I can't get full time placement at the University nursery which would have been more convenient.

OP posts:
euff · 17/07/2023 10:52

People are being unfairly harsh in their responses.

As you can cover the childcare I would look to see if you can find that as soon as possible. Your parents along with other people don't understand that this kind of thing is very stressful and in some areas people are on waiting lists well in advance.

Explain to your parents that their offer was very kind but you've chosen this option as you need certainty both in terms of knowing what's going on in advance but also financially to be able to budget. I would tell them that you want them to enjoy being grandparents rather than childcare and you would be grateful if they could babysit sometimes.

Your parents have obviously patented before but looking after grandchildren is sometimes a lot harder than they thought.

My mum did this when I became pregnant with DC1. She announced she was retiring to help me with childcare as she's never had that help herself. She also hates her job. It was far harder than she imagined. She was young in age but it was very tiring. She's done it all for years herself running around and working and had retired from a full time job with a long commute but it's very different doing childcare. It wasn't sustainable for anyone. As they looked after DC so much to facilitate us working we didn't feel we could ask for it to have any time for our selves.

blushpear · 17/07/2023 10:53

blushpear · 17/07/2023 10:49

I'm not sold on "she hates her job and I'm doing her a favour". Your mum could just reduce her hours to 1 day and a few hours (assuming she's on min wage, that's £100 worth) to get the same wage she's getting for slaving after a child for 4 days.

Your mum's initial offer sounds extremely kind on her part, if overly sacrificial. At least she realised her limits early and gave you a few months of advance notice, rather than after the arrangement started.

Forgot to factor in cost of fuel. Minus that, and she'll be earning less than 1/5th of her part time minimum wage hourly rate. Not even factoring in nights yet, as she's essentially a live-in nanny on call days/nights.

Of course lovely if money wasn't in the picture, she is grandma after all, but I don't think you should act like you're doing her a favour tossing some peanuts her way. Even if she offered, that was kindness on her part. She's old and looking after a high needs / SEN child is no joke.