What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

The issue with arrangements like this is that no one thinks them through properly at the time of the offer as they initially seem to solve all of the problems.

In reality a little bit of in-depth thinking at the time on both sides would have saved you both a load of hassle.

Chalk this up as an error and move on.

I wouldn't say they've screwed you over - they will still provide childcare. I wouldn't want to stay away from home for so many days either to be fair to her.

They've given you 2 and a half months notice (hardly what I'd call 'short notice') that the original arrangement no longer works for your mum. To be fair, it was a huge ask and expectation, your mum was effectively changing her life to do this for you.
You've plenty of notice to find alternative (paid) childcare, I'd get on it right away. It'll be better in the long run for everyone this way.
I hope your PhD and return to work goes well.

I know of at least three similar situations where grandparents have needed to amend what they originally offered. Either because they change their minds or because of changes in their own lives.

I think sometimes they offer and don't realise how demanding the childcare role will be, other times there is a change in someone's health. This is before the disagreements over discipline style and diet etc.

I wouldn't try to salvage an arrangement but look into nursery or childminder arrangements instead. £100 a week is nothing to someone doing a 60 mile trip.

I can understand your Mum getting cold feet about such a massive commitment as the time drew nearer & the reality of what she’d offered hit.

I understand you’re anxious &frustrated but it is still enough notice to not leave you completely in the lurch.

"But seriously, why did you think it was reasonable in the first place for your Mum to basically give up her own job and live apart from your Dad to be your very low paid live in nanny for the foreseeable future?"

This from @5foot5 is the pertinent question. Yes, your mum offered, but you should never have accepted!

You will have to look around for a nursery or childminder that can take your DD and ask your uni nursery to put her down for a place as soon as they can. You may need to get your DH to take some annual leave to cover any days you can't find childcare for.

it sounds really unworkable. I would just put her in nursery or with a childminder. Alternate weeks isn't going to work for nursery as a nursery won't keep the place open. Your parents are too far away to realistically give much help.

Sorry but YABVU and very rude. You can't expect her to spend half her life at your house. Either take advantage of her kind offer of reduced childcare, or sort out your own local childcare. You said she's quitting her job, I can't imagine £100 a week will go anywhere near compensating once she's paid travel and the extra food.

This was forseeable really, it was ridiculous of you to accept.

Your mum offered and has gone on to think about practicalities, and then probably thought she couldn't recind offer, then continued to stew and eventually made a compromise. You wont accept.

You have 2/3 months to find a suitable placement which is plenty of time. You're lucky as presumably your mother will be happy to ad hoc babysit when needed still. So be nice, thank her for offering and get cracking with your energy to find a replacement.

Your mum rightly came to her senses. What you were expecting and offering to pay was insanity. I can’t believe you can’t see that.

Agreed, a nursery or a childminder seems like the only solution you have. If you keep on good terms with your parents, then it would be reasonable to ask if they could cover you for times when your dd becomes poorly and cannot go in or to cover the childminder's holidays.

I can see why you are annoyed.

You didn't ask this of them, wouldn't have expected it and they have made an offer, only to then decide that they don't want to go through with it. That is annoying.

I think it's best to have reliable childcare, so thank your mum for the offer, explain that the newly suggested set up doesn't work for you unfortunately, so for the sake of everyone feeling comfortable, you'll find a nursery place instead.

@SplitLevel the only word I could think of is shagged

How about checking with your uni? Many have great assistance programmes for mature students with kids.
Keep focusing on the INCREDIBLE opportunity you've earned - massive congrats!

Shitted? Is that a word?

Chose proper paid childcare, if it's reception, a child minder or a nanny. It's always better and will take the pressure off you to work around your parents. Even if it means financially you won't be better off, this won't be forever, however your job etc you will feel the rewards later

Can you not get a childminder if there are no nursery spaces available?

Having listened to many, many hours of moaning from my own mum (not about my kids, but my nephews) and about loads of her friends who help with childcare this would never have worked and your best option is full time nursery with them as back up if your dd was poorly or whatever. PhD will probably be quite flexible too so try not to panic. You usually have a lot of autonomy over your time so you may not need as much help as you think anyway. I hope it goes well and even if you go on the waiting list for the uni nursery you may well get full time or almost by the time people start in September/October, in ours things change pretty quickly.

Short notice! It is mid-July - you have 7.1/2 months to make alternative arrangements

I look after my GC and find it is far easier to take care of them in my own surroundings and with help from DP albeit I only have them for days and not overnight.

I have found it so much harder looking after someone else's child than my own and am also 30 years older

Two and a half months is quite a lot of time to look for an alternative.
Hell, I remember a child minder letting me down with less than a months notice and I had to look for an alternative arrangement. Did me a favour really because my original arrangement was mad, I can't believe we thought it would work. Which rather sounds like your original arrangement...

I appreciate you are probably flustered by the withdrawl but it is 2 and a half months' notice not short notice. Get a childminder for that one day a week and put yourself on the nursery waiting list for the extra day. Or indeed you DH can take some leave one day a week until alternative childcare is found if you don't want to drop your child to your parents.

I don't think your parents are being unreasonable at all.

@Nuca @FourTeaFallOut @SplitLevel screwed was my guess?

You say that you are concerned about your pension, yet were fully prepared for your mum to give up her job with possible implications for her pension, (which is a closer issue than your pension )for £100 a week!

Yes she offered, but I am not surprised that on reflection she withdrew the offer, apart from the minute payment and the pension issue she was willing to sacrifice her own life, hobbies, friendships, interests, home comforts etc to mind your child.

Whoops mis-read it's October you need to have sorted out extra care by - sorry lack of caffeine. It should be doable

Tbf, I think finding a childcare place at the moment, especially for a 8mo who needs to be accommodated with a higher staff ratio, is very hard in some places right now.