What to do about childcare as my parents have s****** me over

[WhatToDoNow86]

I have been a sahm for almost 6 years. Party because of my ds's needs as he has been diagnosed with autism at age 4 due to language delay and behaviour issues. He has settled well in reception this last year which I did not think would be possible as there was issues at pre school. I also have an 8 month old dd.
I have to start thinking about my career and financial future/ pension and I really don't want to continue to be a sahm. So I accepted a placement on an engineering doctoral training PhD scheme with the hope of this getting me into the world of work. I certainly don't want to give up this placement as such a good opportunity won't come around again.

Here is the dilemma. In February my parents offered that my mum would give up her part time job and stay with us for 4 days (staying over for 3 nights) and she would take care of my 8 month old. Dd would only need to go to nursery for 1 full day. I agreed to pay my mum 100 pounds a week for this since its cheaper than nursery and would mean dd doesn't have to go full time in nursery from 11 months old. Now they are asking about dd staying at their house every other week instead. They live 60 miles away. 2 and a half months before my Phd starts in October !!!!! Me and dh absolutely don't want my dd to be away from the house that long.
What should I do? With such sort notice. Do I hope that nursery can take her full time? What if I can't get a full time place for her. I get paid for doing the PhD which is just enough to cover full time nursery. I am fine with most of the money going on childcare as I just want this opportunity to hopefully get a good job after. I am quite angry with my parents for suddenly changing what was agreed on.

Could you ask your dm to just stick to the original plan until you find the extra childcare?
My dh lived at our ds’s home Mon to Fri from June until September to care for our dgs until he started school. They live 90 miles away.
It was tough but dh and dgs have a fantastic bond.

It isn't short notice you have months till October maybe they just thought it wasn't sustainable they haven't shit all over you she changed her mind and offered an alternative solution that you don't want see if you can get a childminder for the alternate weeks or just bin your original idea and go for full time childminder or Nanny, and have a word with yourself!

Just put your baby in nursery - these family arrangements never work well in practice, and cause ongoing friction which can be avoided by finding good professional childcare.

OP I have loads of sympathy for you here, we've had grandparents do similar to us, time and again - they insist on being involved, then pull the rug at the last moment. We've learnt to say 'thanks very much, so kind' whilst always having a back up plan.

As others have said, do have a look at the University nursery, they can be very reasonable.

Plus drive a 120 mile round trip…

Can't you defer the year and book nursery now. Some unis have nurseries too.

Focus your efforts into finding a nursery which fits your needs. It will be so much better than trying to rely on your mum.

I understand what you mean about short notice- a lot of nurseries have waiting lists and it’s not always easy to find somewhere that works. But your mum probably just wanted to help you as much as possible then realised it’s too big of an ask.

So, to answer the question, you need to ring round all the local nurseries and try to get hold of the list of local childminders. You've got a bit of time before October, it's not ideal but it's not impossible.

But try not to frame it to yourself as your parents doing you over. Even if it was their suggestion, it was a silly one. You should all have realised it would be too much for your Mum.

I don't know how old your parents are, presumably either at or approaching retirement age. I'm sure your mum meant well and wanted to help, however she has quite probably realised that she is simply not up to it. Having to drive to yours, then caring for 2 kids for 4 days, driving home and having 3 days to herself, and then doing it all again.I'm 67 and I know I wouldn't be able to do that. Even a few years ago I think I would have struggled. I have arthritis, most people don't see it and think I'm OK, but any repeat activity causes pain. Maybe she is going that way.
Better to change childcare arrangements now ,rather than when she is struggling.

Hello.

Lucky you getting a fully funded PhD in this country and getting paid to do it.

Use that to cover the full time nursery fees, leave parents out of mix and focus onwards on the future.

(I say this as a first generation migrant whose parents live 2 continents away and who would have sunk without FT childcare but is now miraculously a Professor with a 7 and 3 year old - and still paying a set of FT nursery fees).

OP, are you sure you can't make this work for you?
The PHD scheme may be arduous and challenging and require some input at night. Dealing with a 4 year old on the spectrum is challenging.
Could you not use this time for you for some respite, extra 1-1 with DS and possibly even date time with DH?
I don't think your 8 month old will be worse off, her bond with her gran will be sound, you can give her 100% when you have her back with extra energy from less plate-spinning.

They offered something which was not reasonable for them to give. You have to just focus on solving the problem now. I would go forward with the arrangement until you can find a better one.

I also think the language used in the OP is so entitled. "Fucked me over" - or whatever the sweary word is meant to be.

Nobody's been fucked over, or shafted, or anything else. Parents made an offer, once they have had time to think it through, they have decided that actually it's too much and have OFFERED A COMPROMISE of still uprooting themselves 4 days every other week. But that's not good enough for the OP. I can almost see the foot stamping from here.

For some nurseries it is too late. We had private nurseries who have year long + waiting lists. We had to go to one 30 min walk away which is quite hard to manage for 2 working parents with busy jobs for examples. All closer ones wrote me a year later that a place has become available

I totally get your frustrations OP at having to change plans now, but once you have vented here, try not to let them linger. It is what it is.
Apply for the full time place at the Uni nursery just in case something comes up. Apply for other nurseries too. Then see if your mum might still agree to do 1-2 days.
Honestly, long term, nursery gives you more reliable childcare. Parents can get sick or maybe little one will not settle with them but will at nursery.
And huge congratulations on getting on such an amazing course. It's never easy to juggle childcare with work and it's an extra strain but will be worth it.
(By the way you keep referring to this as giving you extra problem to sort. This is dh's problem too. Enjoy his help in looking for other childcare for his child!!)

I didn't mention nurseries I appreciate that they are booked up but they could go for a nanny/childminder instead.

They haven't shit on you at all. They are helping you out. Just out her in nursery.

If you can afford nursery, I would use a nursery. I did a PhD with a baby/toddler and all my money went on paying for childcare pretty much, so my immediate contribution was almost nothing to our household funds. But in paid off massively in the years since and I have zero regrets. Most people have their dc in nursery. Mine went 3-4 full days (9-5) from 9 & 11 months. It worked really well for us.

It seems Mum was, in her keenness to help OP, a bit hasty in offering what she did.
In the cold light of day, she's realised that being away from home and husband, peanuts pay, and 2x weekly long drives are more than she can offer. She's not rescinded her offer but adjusted it to better suit.

OP, instead of jumping on an offer that was really quite obviously too much for your mum, you should have considered its viability for everyone and talked through the practicalities several times without anyone suddenly being left stuck with do something that won't work.
If your mum can't honour the original offer until you find a nursery place, hopefully you can consider hers until that time. It's good that she's told you now and not a few weeks into the arrangement.

Your parents offer is extremely kind especially as your mum has offered to give up her work to help you.
I would let your dd stay with them every other week. I think that’s fare especially as staying at yours for 4 days every week is a big ask tbh.

You must have thought all this before having children? Why didn't you just sign up to nursery from the beginning?

I was doing something similar (adult not childcare) which involved me being away from home two nights a week. Originally it was going to be a longer term arrangement and might have involved me staying away for more nights. It was a lot harder than I expected not being in my own home and being apart from DH. It really messed up our lives to be honest, we just considered it time lost.

It seems like your mum made a generous offer to help you secure your place then had a think about how to make it work better for her. Her compromise offer will still be a considerable inconvenience to both your parents.

Organise proper regular childcare and call on them for emergencies only.

So your parents have S………….. you over ??? Really? Because your mother has decided her generous offer is going to be too tiring and inconvenient for her and your father ? But did offer alternative. Wow . Nice daughter.

It’s not really short notice is it? Have you thought about a childminder instead of nursery, and DD stays over 1 night a week instead?

£100 is ridiculous, even if it was her suggestion. You should never have agreed to it.