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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law issues - help!!

234 replies

Sophieweston · 17/07/2023 09:47

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

  • I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
  • I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
  • I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 17/07/2023 09:57

Oh dear @Sophieweston massive squishes.

Did you DP accept your explanation.
Did he stand up to her at all at the time?
Is there a cultural aspect to this at all (With the traditional comment I wondered that’s all)?

I wouldn’t be apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong and they’ve chosen to behave like this and not really engage with you.

I mean seriously you didn’t eat her cake has made a list of complaints… although I would have mentioned that I have a reaction to cream so they don’t keep offering me cream cakes…

As for telling his dad to go sit down etc I completely get that and you were trying to be nice.

Most importantly to me is how my partner spoke to me about this. Did he sound like he understood your reasoning and explanations? Is he being supportive to you and telling you not to worry? Has he ever brought a partner home to meet them before and what were they like with them?

Nofreshstarthere22 · 17/07/2023 10:00

Run for the hills!!! Not joking

BurbageBrook · 17/07/2023 10:03

Bloody hell, absolutely don't send flowers or apologise! You did NOTHING wrong. I don't think much of your boyfriend for telling you all this. He should be able to work out for himself that his mother is unreasonable. She sounds like she's trying to put him off you and no woman will ever be good enough for him.

Thunderisntnicebythebeach · 17/07/2023 10:03

That cord must get in the way during sex op.

Original poster
Sophieweston · 17/07/2023 10:06

Thanks for your quick response @TheCatterall
I obviously wasn't there when they had the conversation, I asked him and he said it all happened quite quick as I arrived about 10 mins into the conversation and that he just listened to her and asked for examples. Hence why he said he's going to speak to her in length this week once things have cooled down.

They are Christians, go to church regularly (I'm atheist but they don't really know that and I would never discuss religion with them because I'm very open to people having their own beliefs as long as they aren't hurting anyone ofc!). But apart from that, they are just very traditional in their ways. They are about 15 years older than my own parents, so remind me more of my grandparents generation in terms of their at home habits/interests.

My partner listened to my side of the story, and I don't think he agreed with them. Although he hasn't been the most reassuring which has been hard - I don't think that's because he disagrees with me, I think it's just because he doesn't want to take a side and she has put him in the most awful situation. He's really upset about this still. I was going to let him speak to her some more this week before I delve into this side of the convo.

And yes, he had a 5 year relationship which ended around 3 years ago. You would've thought they would be over that by now, but maybe they are making comparisons...

OP posts:
Iwantmyoldnameback · 17/07/2023 10:06

Why was he crying? I'd think very hard about this relationship, you can avoid his mother a good bit but him? Nah sorry.

Jellycats4life · 17/07/2023 10:07

Your boyfriend had been crying?

Sounds like a big overreaction to something he could have easily batted off with a “Don’t be silly, Mum!”

Either MIL has a tendency to get over-involved in her son’s life, or she went in REALLY hard on you… or both.

Either way, it’s a bit of a red flag. She doesn’t like you and is going to make life difficult from now on. Your boyfriend also doesn’t seem to have the ability to brush off criticism, and cries instead. Ick.

I’m not sure about sending flowers to apologise for something you didn’t do!

Sceptre86 · 17/07/2023 10:08

It's a tough one. I'm from an asian background and so my view is probably skewed because of that but I think for longterm peace and happiness in a relationship it really helps if you get on with your inlaws whether you live vlose to them or not. I would say in this case you are fundamentally different and aren't a great fit. Over the tears you will have to deal with instances where you have offended them over minute (to you at least) things and they won't raise it as an issue with you. I'd run for the hills.

As for the whole leaving him there because you were working and him crying because his mum was upset with him. I just think op that their family dynamic isn't one I'd want to be a part of. I'd cut your losses and move on.

Sceptre86 · 17/07/2023 10:08

*over the years even.

ThirtyPercentRecycled · 17/07/2023 10:10

Leave him.
This is a him problem - his mother said all
that and he ended up crying? Did he stick up for you? Did he point out how ridiculous she’s being?

Do not settle for a life when a dp is torn between you and his mother, it will end badly at some point.

Original poster
Sophieweston · 17/07/2023 10:11

@BurbageBrook yes to this. I thought the same. If my mum had said these things about him, I would've sorted it out with her separately and not said anything if I thought she was being unreasonable. Although I don't think he had a choice but to tell me because I was obviously insistent on him telling me what was wrong after seeing he had been crying. I genuinely thought someone had died, so I was flabbergasted when he told me the actual reason...

OP posts:
ThirtyPercentRecycled · 17/07/2023 10:12

It doesn’t really matter what your MIL is like, you don’t have to live with her.
What matters is how your dp reacts to it. He’s shown you, believe him.

Louisa4987 · 17/07/2023 10:16

I'd run for the hills. My inlaws were like this very early into my relationship with DH because they had a weird obsession with his ex. They even told him they would never accept him being with anyone other than his ex. I should have run for the hills then. Instead I've spent years and years questioning my own personality and it's had quite a toll on my mental health. No one other than his family have ever raised the same issues so it really is just that they don't like me.

I wouldn't put myself through it again if I knew all those years ago what it was going to be like.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/07/2023 10:20

She sounds awful but it’s his reaction to it that is concerning. Rather than tell her she is wrong and set her straight he has get very upset. Why does she have this hold over him?

VictoriaVenkman · 17/07/2023 10:22

From this situation your DP clearly didn't stand up for you which would be a huge red flag. I wouldn't be in a relationship where my partner does not have my back. As for crying over something like this, it would make me think far more was said than he has revealed to you and his Mum has a far tighter grip over his life that you realise.

MooMa83 · 17/07/2023 10:25

Aww OP, this is so hard. Please don't question yourself or your personality- trust yourself here. I say this as someone who has a difficult relationship with a MIL- watch how your DP handles this as an indicator of whether this relationship will work. It's not about taking sides, but unless he has your back 100% and stands up for you, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. My DH does, and it's the only way this dynamic can work. It doesn't look good so far if he was crying, instead of brushing things off with his mum- e.g. 'give over mum, she was doing a nice thing', 'don't be daft mum it's only a slice of cake!' etc... I certainly wouldn't be apologising, messaging or sending flowers- let him speak to her and then judge his reaction. Hugs xx

LakeTiticaca · 17/07/2023 10:30

This is a snapshot of the future if you Marry this man. The spectre of the mother in law will loom large over your life.
If he's not prepared to stand his ground and keep his mother out of his business your best ending it now

BiddyBee · 17/07/2023 10:34

Do not apologise! You've done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend crying over this is a red flag imo. He sounds deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and his extreme reaction indicates it's very ingrained and may never be resolved. Is he an only child?

I had this with my inlaws. DH (only child) would drop in to see them on his way home from work, come home and say mum and dad aren't happy. I'd ask why and he'd say "Well they say you don't make them feel welcome", you don't this, you don't that". His dad would shout and his mum would cry. I wasn't upset, I was furious. I'd only ever been friendly and welcoming. I asked for examples - DH couldn't give any. I asked him to call them and ask for examples - he rang, came back to me and said "Well they say you don't make them feel welcome, blah blah". I went NC with them. I was a grown woman with a responsible job and I didn't need that kind of controlling crap in my life. DH had grown up with it, was in the FOG, so it was natural to him. Anyway a few months later his mother started to try to get in touch, she even came to my place of work and I told reception I was too busy (I was!). Eventually we arranged to all meet for lunch and started to rebuild from there. They had to learn I wasn't going to dance to their tune. We've been married decades now and I actually get on fine with my inlaws. DH reflects sometimes on how we are with our adult DC and says he can't believe how interfering and controlling his parents were in comparison. We wouldn't dream of behaving towards our DCs partners as they did.

Don't get upset, don't feel guilty and don't apologise. Get indignant. They need to learn you won't be pushed around. Sadly if your partner indulges his parents pettiness there's little hope for your future with him.

GerbilsForever24 · 17/07/2023 10:40

Yes, agree with other posters - the crying about this is a massive red flag and I'd be running for the hills. You only have his word for what was said but it was relatively mild and could easily have been managed by him saying, "mum, she was trying to help you. I'll let her know you don't like that but please, give her a break" or similarly, "mum, she can't eat cream!".

Instead, he's either. massively downplaying the issue to you - which is a problem in itself - or he's completely and totally unable to tell any truths to him other. Either way, I'm afraid this can't go anywhere.

I am so tired of reading about MIL/DIL threads where it is so obvious to me that a little tact and understanding from the DP/DS in the scenario could go a LONG way to managing things.

Crayfishforyou · 17/07/2023 10:42

Leg it.
The fact that he has been in tears and not supported you tells you enough.
run run run.
I say this as someone with overbearing toxic in laws. In the past they have caused so much drama and rifts through being controlling and over involved in DH’s life.
DH isn’t as involved with them now, as I threatened to leave. And I very nearly did. But I did have to issue an ultimatum.

DaisyUpsy · 17/07/2023 11:00

I think it's a bit preemptive to say he hasn't supported op, he is going to speak to his mum later this week. If he's an adult who as a child was always made to feel in the wrong and was bullied and shutdown by his parents it's not easy to stand up to them. Perhaps op you should gently ask him why he feels he can't stand up to them and have a think about why that is and if it's something he needs to address.

Original poster
Sophieweston · 17/07/2023 11:03

Hi everyone - thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate it as I've spent all weekend doubting myself and my actions and you're all completely correct that my other half needs to have my back...
I will let him speak to his mum as planned this week and see how that goes, but I'm questioning whether this is a family I want to be part of. This weekend alone has taken a massive toll on my mental health, so I can't risk this happening on a regular basis :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophieweston · 17/07/2023 11:04

@DaisyUpsy yes I agree with this too - I'm going to let him speak to his mum later in the week and see how that goes. Thanks for your reply x

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 17/07/2023 11:13

Only a narcissistic mother can reduce a grown man to tears with words. Deep rooted, time served, unhealthy dynamics at place here. And "you didn't eat her cake", as a complaint, is clutching at straws. If she's looking to criticise, at that level of pettiness, she's telling you quite clearly what the future holds. You should listen to her.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 17/07/2023 11:14

I have an awful MIL, we are now NC but DH from the very start has always had my back. Our relationship wouldn't have survived the first few years if he behaved like your DP, he should have told your mum to stop picking holes in everything you do and accept that you have fairly different personalities.

You have nothing to apologise for, if you do want to stay with this man you will have to nip this in the bud now and tell him you won't stand for unfair criticism. Otherwise you will always be walking on eggshells, don't start doubting yourself.

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