Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

How did they react when you offered to cook? I'd hate if my DIL wanted to cook as my kitchen is personal territory for me. Might be odd but it is how I feel. Has it all stemmed from that? I think the telling her to go and sit down depends on tone really but I would find it odd to be told to leave my own kitchen.

To be fair though if DIL offered to make a meal I wouldn't accept the offer.

On the other hand if no one wants cake it leaves more for me so that wouldn't worry me, I do like a home made fresh cream cake.

Handled like a boss!

Honestly? You sound lovely and his parents sound absolutely horrible.

Even if you and his parents are very different people, you've clearly made an effort. Even if your MIL (for some reason) wouldn't have chosen you, the normal thing to do would have been for her to simply accept that you're quite different to them and make the best of it. My mum wasn't the biggest fan of my brother's ex-wife, they were very different people, but she still went out of her way to make her feel welcome and include her and to find common ground - and she'd never, ever have listed her shortcomings to my brother like that. She might have moaned about her to me in private but she was still polite, kind and welcoming to her whenever she saw her.

I agree with PPs that crying seems like an extreme reaction from your DP, which makes me wonder if there's a lot more to this (in terms of his own relationship with his parents, or them getting in the way of previous relationships he's had) than meets the eye. If they are strict, 'traditional' and quite rigid about their Christianity, then I'm wondering what they were like as parents when your DP was growing up. Has he ever talked about his childhood, or his relationship with them in general? He sounds a bit scared of them.

Either way, he needs to step up and defend you.

Wow if she is like this now, wait until you get married and have kids, it will be 100 times worse!!

@Iwasafool I think you've hit the nail of where this has perhaps stemmed from and then she's found other petty things to add to her list...
I said to my boyfriend in the morning that I'd like to cook for them that night as a thank you for having us/ paying for an expensive meal on the Sunday. He spoke to them whilst I was at work, got the ingredients and told me all was good. She was trying to help even though the agreement was that I would cook and I said in a fun/ jokey way "go and sit down, relax, I've got this". I didn't mean any harm by what I said... I thought I was being nice and genuinely wanted to do this for her. She continued to help, and that was that - I thought we had a nice meal and there were no issues until I found this all out a few days later.
I do get that some people are precious about their kitchens - but like you said, she should've maybe said no if that's how she felt. Maybe I should've asked her directly too...

Don't start second guessing yourself. You are you and if you and your boyfriend are going to be together long term then these people will have to get over themselves.

Your boyfriend needs to have your back and not pander to their ridiculousness. If he doesn't I would seriously reconsider staying with him.

Good luck

Hard as this is, I think you should do nothing at all. You have been your authentic self, done nothing wrong, and they don't like you. There is nothing you can do about that other than try to change yourself to meet their expectations, which no one who has done nothing wrong should ever have to do.
Your BF needs to do a lot of soul searching here and decide if and how he intends to manage this situation, as it will be a very difficult road to travel. He may decide that his relationship with you is worth their disapproval and the distancing that will cause, because he cant expect you to be in a situation where you're constantly found wanting. But equally he may decide it would be easier to find a partner his family accepts. A lot will depend on the importance he gives to their approval and extended family harmony.
What I would say to you is don't embark on a path of desperately trying to please them. If you have to subdue your nature it will be miserable for you. Stay true to your self and let your BF decide what he's going to do about what is essentially his problem.

The CRYING. 🧐

Those quiet, pleasant, Christian people have another side to them you're only just glimpsing. A controlling, manipulative side.

He's lost in the FOG.

Is he worth keeping? Only you know that.

If yes, you have a fight ahead - a fight to get a grown man to change.

It's worth trying to get on with the family if the partner is worth it. They don't have to feature large in your life.

I might do something like send a bunch of flowers with a note thanking them for the hospitality and, if you can do it in a way that sounds genuine not sarky, for their welcoming you into their home. You could say how sad you were not to be able to try her delicious looking cake but you are unable for medical reasons to eat cream.

If that doesn't re-set the relationship a bit, then just avoid them.

Don't worry about having a warm relationship with them, the most that is needed is the ability to be civil. Their reactions are their reactions, nothing to do with you. In practical terms, admire everything about their house that you can manage with a straight face, praise their son to the skies, and remark on what a good parenting job they've done. But only if you can fake sincerity.

My ILs are completely different to my family - it took me YEARS & YEARS to navigate the family dynamics.

My family are chatty, fun, like to laugh and socialise.
ILs are introverted, shy, awkward, never have guests. MIL died in 2020. She was the more out-going one of the 2, FIL has got worse since then. They are/ were nice people though

1. Don't apologise - you have done nothing wrong. They are the ones that are not used to socialising
2. When you are in their house, remember it is their house with their rituals & rules. Always offer help, be polite but don't force what is normal to you on them.
3. Smile and nod. Have a list of questions up your sleeve. Make polite conversation
4. Tell them about your lactose intolerance otherwise they will continue to think you are being rude.

Funnily enough, my DH and his DB have chosen wives who are completely different to their parents /mother - there is something very telling in that

Hey OP your MIL has also posted on MN yesterday - she's still upset about the cup of tea you didn't drink

Reading your updates after your original posts, I can only say you need to leave this relationship.
No matter how much you like/love him, this is only going to get worse with time, marriage and kids if you decide to have any.
You boyfriend will want you to be in the FOG with him and will fight very hard to get you there.
With the hindsight of my experience, I don't think this relationship will bring you happiness.

Honestly leave it, the crying because his mum complained about you is odd. I would struggle with someone that fragile and his mum is going to be an utter pain in the ass, she was looking for things to be offended about.

It also helps massively at DH's family events that I have a SIL that I can go and drink wine with.

It did take me years for me to be OK with the 'silence' as they just didn't talk.

My family live 4 hours away and DH's family live about an hour away. We see my family more than his.

Only you will know if your OH is a keeper. You don't have to be best friends with your ILs just a polite, respectful tolerance is fine - particularly as you don't live near each other

Go and see them (or maybe just mom) by yourself. Say to them "I sense we may have got off to a bad start and wondered if we could talk about it."

Tell them that you find them a bit of a challenge due to them being older than your parents and you and them being so different. Let them know that you are independent, decisive and hope that doesn't come across as brusque as you're hoping to a good long term relationship with their son and that won't be possible without their support.

😂😂😂

If the DP was crying after this then he isn’t going to be strong enough to stand up for her, is he?

That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me and I would end it.

Why was your dp crying?

Yeah it’ll be the cooking in her kitchen that caused the upset. Some people seem to view preparation of food as a huge status indicator - invariably as some sort of self appointed matriarch.

Bringing a homemade cake might have also been viewed as some sort of challenge - compounded by the fact you didn’t eat her cake…

I don’t think you have anything to apologise for, but it’s a lesson in batshit family dynamics. It’s not hard to manage this sort of insecurity - just don’t try to cook in her kitchen or bring homemade food. Bring flowers and offer to wash up.

Bloody hell 😂

You cooking for her was too much. The gesture was kind, but taking over the kitchen etc can make some people feel uncomfortable in their own home. Particularly when you have only met her a few times.
Not everyone would like it. I’d much prefer to be taken out for lunch, then have someone I didn’t know well cook dinner in my own home. Older people can be set in their ways.

Yes I think you're right. They do have the more traditional dynamics in their household- MIL seems to do all the cooking/ cleaning, FIL does the garden.

In my house, cooking for someone or bringing food is the best thing someone could do for someone else. So definitely crossed wires x

According to him he was crying because of 2 things:
The situation that he has now been put in... I don't think he saw this coming. Our relationship so far has been amazing and maybe this questioned that and he feels very stuck at the moment.
And mostly (from what he has said to me) upset because of the way his mum made him feel in the days that I wasn't there. Apparently she hardly spoke to him and he could barely be in the same room as her...

I agree with other posts about the crying though... how is he going to be able to stand up for me if he's this sensitive at this stage

Telling someone you don’t know too well that they should ‘go and sit down’ in their own home could be interpreted by some people as a bit too dominant. Even with good intentions. You just have to be more mindful that not everyone is the same or appreciate all gestures.
A bunch of flowers, flattery of her cake etc would have made her feel more receptive to you.

If your boyfriend was reduced to tears, his mother/father must be a dragon rather than quiet and traditional. There is a side to them you obviously haven’t seen.
They sound like in the long term they will be the in-laws from hell, everything will have to be future MILs way or there will be a fallout. If your boyf can’t see that his mother is the problem I would run, fast.