Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

Absolutely!

Do you know why his previous relationship broke down? Any chance that MIL caused issues and he's realising this relationship might suffer for the same reasons? My husband has got upset over the relationship I have with MIL. He feels trapped. It's taken the best part of 20 years, two kids and me not giving a damn but we're now able to joke about how we don't agree and would kill each other if we had to spend any serious length of time together.

In terms of what happened this weekend, leave it to him to sort. You didn't do anything wrong. I'd probably take a cake next time and say "sorry, I bought my own. I have an allergy to cream which is why I couldn't eat your SCRUMMY looking cake last time". I'd not address it now but do it subtly.

Boys and their Mums are bloody weird. Strange dynamics. I'm probably going to be as weird when I'm a MIL though so, soz in advance to the world.

From what he's said to me, his relationship broke down due to moving in together during the pandemic. I've heard lots of people say the same so I never really questioned it further. However now this has happened, I'm also wondering if his parents had anything to do with it...

But then surely you'd just politely decline the offer and say that perhaps they could reciprocate when you visited them?

Run for the hills!!! Not joking

I agree. I get that you love him and your relationship is otherwise good. You'll probably think his parents behaviour is not his fault - I certainly did, but it's likely that eventually it'll sour your relationship. These things tend to get worse rather then better.

About 10 years ago I made the mistake of going on a weekend away with the inlaws (and a few of their relations). I wasn't well before we left, wanted my then boyfriend to go alone, but he told me that me cancelling 'wouldn't go down well' with his father...I forced myself to go. After nearly 8 hours of travelling (we went from one end of the country to the other) they all stayed up all night getting drunk, I went to bed about midnight feeling like hell ...boyfriend finally came up to bed at 8am (!). He was then unconscious for the rest of the day, to about 6pm...the rest of them went out on a day trip (involving drink driving by some of them, they hadn't actually been to bed either so..).

Anyway already very long story shorter, I was admitted to hospital 3 days after we got back with double pneumonia. Boyfriend went around to see his parents on the Sunday, they were supposed to be going to an aunts for lunch. He'd hardly got in their door when his father had a right go at him about how 'badly' I'd behaved over the weekend...purely because I wouldn't stay up all night drinking. Boyfriend pointed out I was already fucking ill at that point ... didn't matter. Prior to this weekend boyfriend had always been saying to me that his parents liked me .... but as a divorced 42 year old woman at the time, I knew they didn't - sometimes you know straight away. I wasn't actually that arsed either, we weren't going to be having children so while I would have preferred to have a good relationship with them, I didn't see it as mandatory, more of a bonus.

Boyfriend said I should 'just apologise to his dad' err, for what? Being ill? None of the rest of his family knew until I was admitted to hospital that I was already ill during that weekend.

That was 9 years ago. I went to his parents once after that weekend, just before Christmas (boyfriend was working actual Christmas) - we had moved 200 miles away so were staying for 2 nights. The minute I walked in his father disappeared to their bedroom...and stayed there all weekend. It was the rudest, most upsetting interaction I've ever had with a partner's parents. When we left on the Sunday I told my boyfriend that was the last straw, I wasn't going to have anything to do with them ever again....and I haven't. I've not seen them since. No regrets.

He cried and asked for examples instead of drawing boundaries and sticking up for you?

Hand on heart, this is not going to work.

His mum sounds like a piece of work. The list of complaints is petty but the smoking gun for toxicity here is the fact that he's had to endure her being cold to him (he's hyper vigilant and she's manipulative) before he had to bring it up (but she had the conversation cued up and ready to go) and then he's gone to pieces at the thought of you not being pleasing to her. It hasn't occurred to him to reassure you. This is not a mature individual - you will regret it if you ignore this.

If you were my daughter, I’d be hoping you end the relationship with your current boyfriend and focus on enjoying your life, friendships and building your career.

Too many women get sucked into this depressing role of the fixer and trying to mend their broken partner and his unhealthy relationship with his parents. If he’s really not happy, it’s entirely his responsibility to change the situation. No-one else needs to be involved.

Listen to the other posters on this thread who have sadly wasted years trying to dial down their own personality to appease their partner and his crappy parents. It never works. You’ll be left unhappy, frustrated and will probably feel a growing resentment as the years pass you by.

There are millions of wonderful men in the world and kind in-laws too. I love it when either of my adult DC. or their partners cook a meal in my kitchen. Sitting together chatting and eating a shared meal is one of life’s greatest pleasures. 🥰

Agree.

Sorry NRFT but I just saw ‘Christians’ and then how unpleasant they have been to you. Not very Christian is it and I wish people wouldn’t hide behind religion on the pretence when it doesn’t automatically make you a nice person.

Everyone is different and I accept that but I always offer to cook at my PIL and they happily let me go through the kitchen and cook whatever. They are usually very happy at the gesture and relieved someone else is doing it!

She's not a nice lady if she can make her own son miserable for days, presumably knowing it affects him, especially for the petty reasons given. Who does that? A narcissist does that...

Even if you cut her out tomorrow (and it will take years to reach that point) your dp will have so much to process and work through. His perception of threat, guilt, desire to please and his over sensitivity to her would still be an issue.

Who's hiding behind religion in this account?

My best advice would be this: if this is to work, you will need to shift the relationship to one where your DP and you are rock solid, and his relationship to his parents is of secondary importance. That doesn't mean that there is no relationship, or that the relationship isn't healthy and good - it means that there are clear lines of loyalty.

If my parents slagged off my partner to me, there is no way I would cry because my loyalties wouldn't be challenged by that conversation - I wouldn't feel great, but I'd be like "This is my choice, this is the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life". (This is not a gendered comment, it's true for men and women).

To some degree, being ready for marriage means being ready to give zero fucks what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy and content and the relationship is healthy and mutually rewarding. It doesn't mean you don't love your parents, it just means that you have a mind, life, and choices of your own, and the nous to establish boundaries that ensure that you are treated with respect in return.

This!!!!

Something similar myself. It doesn’t make for a happy life.

I wouldn’t bother OP, they sound like unsupportive, over sensitive, dramatic idiots and no matter what you do, it will never be right. That’s because it’s not really about you, it’s about controlling their son.

You can do word gymnastics but it was quite clear what I meant. OP describes them Christians who regularly go to church, yet are easily offended and their actions are counter to all those teachings (as someone who was raised that way myself).

is it possible that your BF’s relationship with his mum (or parents) has been less than ideal?

I grew up in an unhealthy (primarily emotionally) environment.
spending several days with my mother - especially if she was in a mood /upset about something- would leave me an emotional wreck.

well, anyhow:

1. you ate your own cake but didn’t have any of hers. I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt slighted by that. It would be considered rude where I’m at unless you clearly communicated why you couldn’t have what your host offered.
2. she wanted to help you cook but you rejected that. I fully understand that you meant well. But rejecting help can cause a lot of offence, unfortunately.
3. It is possible (strongly depends on what kind of religious they are) that the kitchen is one of the few areas she has full control. Seeing you “take” that from her may have provoked unpleasant feelings. But that’s not your fault.

IMO: be friendly, polite but distant. She is not your friend or somebody you can joke with / relax around. Treat her like you’d treat somebody more senior (but not your actual superior) during a business lunch, I suppose.

Did you read the OP's posts? This wasn't just about a few comments. His mother didn't speak to him for days before all this came out.

I totally identify with this. It's exactly the behaviour I grew up with. My mother's moods and silences dictated my entire childhood and youth, and it's only in my 60s that I've learned to stand up to her. And that's probably because she's now helpless after a stroke. Yes, I'm a coward. My brother and I are both a bit broken because of this kind of behaviour.
This DH is stronger than me because he's going to address it with his mum next week. He couldn't at the time because OP walked in on them.

A woman would be sympathised with on here and everyone would talk about FOG. But because he's a man, he's just laughed at by many for being pathetic.

And as I said earlier, my DH and I managed to have a very happy life, visiting my parents only very occasionally. So I'm glad he didn't take the advice that so many are giving OP, to end the relationship.

OP, I think you've gone in all guns blazing with the best of intentions but I do understand his DM being taken aback by the kitchen takeover. I know you meant well but the visit was really an opportunity for his parents to show their hospitality and for you to show your gratitude, rather than vice versa. I think his parents would have needed to feel in control of proceedings. They may have been nervous.

With the cake, maybe the thing to do is say it looks so lovely and you wish you could eat it. Maybe you could try a bit without the cream?

On the final point, it's impossible to say who was, or wasn't, talking too much!

I think your boyfriend is feeling like his loyalties are torn.

You mentioned sending flowers. I think that sounds a lovely idea if you are keen on your boyfriend and want to make an effort to smooth things over with the 'in-laws'.

Your DP needs to stand up for himself and you.

I had similar. It doesn’t matter what you did ‘wrong’ if it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else, trust me.
I was constantly in trouble for MIL for many many small things. I’m allergic to seafood for instance and the fact I wouldn’t eat prawn cocktail on Christmas Day ‘ruined it’.

The thing I wish I had been able to do is never stay at their house, although that would have caused a whole heap of other issues. And they lived in a super expensive area. When your in-laws are local and you only meet them for a few hours at a time it’s easier to manage, staying in their house for days at a time changes things enormously.

I think you need to ask DP how much is matters to him whether his parents ‘approve’ of his girlfriend. If it does, walk away.

Well then they shouldn’t have agreed to it with their son! OP isn’t a mind reader and any reasonable person would see that she was just trying to be nice.
They’re rude.

So instead of saying “that’s a bit harsh mum” he cried instead?
I would be having very serious doubts about this relationship if I were you

This stuff about food is silly. You are NOT obliged to eat food just because someone has offered it, doubly so if it makes you ill. It is OK to refuse food, to leave bits on your plate, or whatever. It is not OK to bully someone to eat something they don't want to eat. This is not the 1890s, and women have the right to make choices about their own bodies!

This. I feel like they are generally a bit odd around food. They also have an obsession with always having 3 meals a day and they've always had a bit of an issue with the fact that I don't eat breakfast every time I've visited too (not to any major extent but they always comment on it). Again, nothing to do with them, but they seem to take it personally