Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

Oh, one other thing @Sophieweston - I'd stop trying to justify why your partner was crying. It's enough to know that he was and his mother made him cry.
Don't try to find a reason why they were rude to you. It's enough to know that they were.

The question here is are you willing to take on your partner and his family because I seriously think that they come as a package deal and if you get one, you get the lot!

Are you up for all of that?

This but in my ex - similar to you on my first visit they asked me:

1. how much I earnt
2. what university
3. how much my house was worth
4. my parents income

my then engaged DP promised me this was just curious behaviour and normal for in-laws. Whilst I was there he went upset or rather was summoned and left me downstairs with his mother - he came back crying as his father had told him exactly what he thought of me and our marriage prospects. We did get married they were foul and my husband played the ‘I am in the middle poor little me card’ whenever they swore at me or our DC. One day after yet again being sworn at in my our home I said that’s it - no more I won’t see them again. They aren’t welcome. We got divorced. Interestingly the other two siblings married as well and both the new wives were stay at home wives and very quiet and did what his parents said - I wasn’t like that - I had a career. Unfortunately knowing what I went through I would say run for the hills.

You can eat whatever cake you want, either he joins your team or he needs to go back home.

I’d bail now.

I dated a guy like this years ago. Exact same situation. It won’t get better. They don’t see you as good enough for their son and that won’t change.

It doesn’t matter what you do, she will never like you. She will nit pick at you endlessly.

Of course, this would be a different matter if your boyfriend actually stuck up for you, but he didn’t.

Leave. Don’t waste years of your life battling against his mum in some weird war to be the chosen woman in his life. You’ll never win.

I also wouldn't underestimate the effect parents can have on grown adults, my ex BIL was not a nice person at all, but his dad used to be able to reduce him to tears every couple of months or so, his dad was horribly overbearing and he just couldn't seem to stand up to him at all, it's like he was scared of him, the worse part was he was exactly the same way with HIS kids, he treated them horribly, because that's what he thought a parent/child relationship should be. If you've never suffered emotional abuse at someone who claims to love you you'd probably think it's funny that a grown man would cry over something so innocuous, I think it's terribly sad that an adult can be reduced to that.

It doesn't have to be an awful conversation that upset him, the reason people cry with overbearing parents is because they feel utterly powerless to fight back, often stemming from childhood, the upset is borne from frustration, they learn it doesn't matter what you say and do, it won't change the outcome and some parents rejoice in 'punishing' their children for imagined slights (silent treatment, with-holding affection, or outright shouting and belittling), it's a way of the parents maintaining 'control', there can be different levels of it but it's all abusive, and it's certainly not his fault she makes him feel this way.

I'm not saying that's the case here, although the silent treatment is a massive red flag tbh, that's abusive of itself, if there IS something like this going on and there is a history of it in his family, you will want to keep those people fully at arms length, and don't expect much from him with regards fighting your corner, when he can't even fight his own.

I was going to say she was ungrateful about your kind gesture of cooking a meal.

Then I tried to imagine someone I didn't know well cooking in my kitchen and sending me out of the room to do so, and yeah, that would feel very weird. Probably because it never happens, just the strangeness of being evicted (however well-meant) from my kitchen.

OP, I'm not sure this relationship has legs. You don't need aggro from his mum, and he shouldn't be so caught up in her opinion that it can reduce him to tears rather than come to your defence.

Nowt wrong with men crying, but in the context he comes across as wet.

Just ignore it. Your MIL needs to get over herself and your partner needs to learn to stand up to her.

You sound very nice, OP. But this might have been a bit of a personality clash. You might have been a bit full-on with taking charge of the kitchen. And if you've 'struggled to have a laugh with them', then, again, you've possibly been a bit full-on.

There's definitely a balance between being yourself and adopting a slightly more gentle approach with people who might be older or more reserved.

If you decide to stay with him, I would definitely would not try to have a chat with them about all of this. It won't go well. It's clearly not their style.

Yes I agree. However the funny thing is, I really try hard to be on their level when I'm around them. I try to not be overbearing and not to offend yet I've still managed it 😅

This. I also think there is a culture clash.

Honestly, I think you should consider bailing out now. Do you really want to be dealing with this longterm.

My in-laws sound very similar, but my husband agrees that they’re hard work and unbearable so we don’t have an awful lot to do with them. Maybe see them 4-5 times a year and they live an hour and a half away. They never make conversation and I’ve given up, so our meetings consist of ‘lovely day isn’t it?’ ‘Mortgage rates are set to go up I see? Oooh yes, it’s terrible.’ It’s so awkward. I would never dream of offering to cook at their house, they would be aghast at that.

Him crying is a bit of an issue, though. Not sure I could get past that.

If it wasn't for that, I think they would probably get used to you and find things about you they really like. Because you do seem so nice!

I haven't met my partner's parents yet as they live abroad. We do talk over whatsapp and I certainly tone things down for his mum – and I'm going to have to rein in my casual swearing when we finally meet 🤐

If they are devout Christians and you are atheist I think there will always be a problem.

I disagree on this one- they are Christian and go to church regularly but they have never pushed their beliefs on me and although they'd take my other half to church when he was a child, they've never forced their beliefs on him as an adult.
I don't see the clash in religious beliefs being the issue here although I know it can be a major problem with other relationships with their in laws x

Well, if you are committed to a long term relationship with this person, I'd send flowers with a lovely note, thanking them for their kindness and hospitality. Rise above it and just be pleasant, otherwise it will eat away at you, undermine your confidence and eventually erode your relationship with your partner. Kill them with charm & kindness.

I’d break up with him. She isn’t your MIL as you aren’t married, she is your boyfriend of a years mother. Him crying and telling me all this would be the end for me. He acted like an asshole here by telling you all this and by crying rather than setting boundaries with his mother on how she speaks about a guest he has brought to their home. I would find it rude if someone told me to leave my own kitchen but I also wouldn’t make a big deal out of it nor upset my son over it. Their relationship sounds odd. And no this isn’t them being conservative or religious as my in-laws are from the Deep South and as religious as you can get and my husband still wouldn’t tolerate them bitching about me.

I agree with previous posters that this may be culture clash. I don’t swear around my in-laws, tone down my loudness and wouldn’t dream of speaking to them in the way I joke around with my friends about things. I maintain a politeness like I would with a friends parents too. My in-laws (other than my SIL) culturally don’t appreciate swearing or drinking and so I wouldn’t do it around them. Me asking them to leave the kitchen even politely would not go down well at all either. I think if you’re in someone else’s home it’s normal to adapt your behaviour. My husband adapts his around my family too.

but I'm questioning whether this is a family I want to be part of. This weekend alone has taken a massive toll on my mental health, so I can't risk this happening on a regular basis :-(

I think you've answered your own question here OP.

There is nothing wrong with men who cry. It's a very normal human reaction, for both sexes, to extreme emotional discomfort. It's not a sign of weakness and in 2023 it shouldn't make another adult react with "ick" as one PP delightfully wrote. I agree that context is important, and clearly there are very unhealthy dynamics at play here, but there are plenty of PPs who absolutely are not making the distinction between him crying and the reason he is crying. Some people are purely commenting negatively on the idea of a man crying.

OP, I think there are a few things going on. You clearly have a more commanding demeanor than they are used to (or like) and I can see why that would be a source of friction. Whilst your intentions in cooking the meal may have been good, I can imagine lots of people would be unhappy about someone they've met 4-5 times taking over their kitchen and basically telling them to butt out. Again, your intentions may have been good but to lots of people this is overbearing and over-familiar behaviour. I think my MIL would be a bit 🤔 if I did this now, and I've been married to her son for 15 years. She is a grown up and ideally she should have spoken up in the first place. Clearly the way that she deals with conflict is completely unhealthy - she seems to entirely avoid saying "no" to someone outside of her sphere of influence (you) but then tries to manipulate and bully the people she feels she can control (your boyfriend). Whilst her treatment of her son is appalling and wrong, she will probably be resenting the fact she was put in the awkward position of having to either risk conflict with you by saying no to your request to cook for them, or put up with you taking over the kitchen. It's worth considering that not everyone likes to be thrust full-throttle into a very familiar dynamic with new people and whilst this might come from a good place, it can be off-putting. I'm not justifying her reaction or behaviour, but trying to offer a little balance.

As far as your boyfriend, he seems to be stuck in the FOG and his crying is not a sign of weakness, but of the extreme emotional impact of his mother's behaviour which will be something he's been conditioned to accept over a lifetime. He's not crying because "mummy told him off" as some particularly cruel PPs have said. The dynamics in a relationship like this are decades in the making and the intense anxiety that a parent like this can induce in their child is crushing. It's not an easy thing to break away from and there's no guarantee he ever will. Whether or not you feel this relationship is worth dealing with that, is up to you. It's going to be a long-term issue, though. And she almost certainly won't change so there are fairly limited ways for it to pan out, none of them particularly easy or pain-free for your boyfriend and, by extension, you.

There is nothing wrong with men who cry.

What on earth are you on about? of course there's nothing wrong with a man crying. there is a LOT wrong with anyone, man or woman, crying because their mother made a few comments about their new partner.

I seem to be on my own here then. I would not be happy with any other woman taking over my kitchen. That would be a huge boundary issue for me. Maybe I’m the awful mil.

I think it’s ok for her not to like you at first and then hopefully she will grow to love you. It takes time.

I'm really shocked at the attitude to him crying on here. So unbelievably sexist. His mum had a go at him and slagged off the woman had loves. This shocked and upset him. He didn't go crying to op, she could just tell he had been crying. If my mum did the same I might have a cry (I'm a woman) Men are not robots, they are allowed to cry sometimes FFS.

Yeah this is nonsense. My own mum is Christian and is married to an atheist. I'm an atheist. My partner is an atheist. It's fine.

Op you sound lovely and the mum just sounds like a fruit loop. Personally I think knowing from the beginning is a bit better. I loved my MIL for the first 4 years, she only went loopy and territorial after I had a baby. So I wouldn't write the relationship off just yet x

Ok so I've been in this situation, although with some details the other way round, I was the quiet one, the in-laws were the ones asking all the questions and in my experience overstepping e.g bringing my father's cancer up at the dinner table etc.. Anyway, it didn't end well. My MIL was way too close to her favourite youngest son (my fiance), it was weird. It all came out when MIL exploded after we told her of our wedding plans. Turns out she didn't like me, we had no idea as we both thought they liked me! She revealed who she really was, a nasty, malicious controlling cow and tried her very best to break us up during our engagement and immediately after our wedding!!

She listed off a load of reasons, not too dissimilar to yours. It got worse and worse and worse until I had had enough and we went no-contact.

I've not seen or spoken to them in over a decade. It was the only way, otherwise our marriage would not have survived their incessant need to dictate to us despite us being grown adults in our 30's at the time.

It's very very difficult and it will most certainly strain your relationship.

Did you bother to read the rest of my comment? Doesn't really sound like it.

I don't think the issue is so much about the meal and kitchen. People can be very possessive and also may even be anxious about people taking over their kitchens. So it might be a bit of a faux pas on your end there. However, the bit that worries me is not speaking to him for days due to these perceived slights from you. What on earth is that about? Not a grown-up way to behave and incredibly difficult to deal with for your bfriend and yourself. I wouldn't necessarily ditch him over the whole matter but I would maybe have a serious talk with him about what on earth is going on and what is or isn't appropriate. I am also concerned he's just reporting all she said to you wholesale. Ideally he should deal with it and just go to you maybe over any misunderstandings you could clear up. But he doesn't seem to be able to communicate effectively with his mother or work out really what is wrong.

I just wanted to say OP you sound really nice actually. Don't feel bad or question yourself too much. Even if you were a bit domineering in the kitchen so what? She could have had a quick word with your bfriend if shy or she could have said something at the time to you if not so shy. But it's hardly a days of being sent to coventry offence. That she is doing the silent treatment to her son sounds like she is trying to control him. Perhaps she doesn't like your religious stance. Whatever it is, I wouldn't break up just because of this if you like your bfriend. But you do need to know he's going to be a bit better at dealing with it all and protecting you from it if she is going to continue with this sort of treatment as it doesn't sound at all reasonable how she is behaving to me.