Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

@BiddyBee You are my hero

He was very upset about his mother talking in such an manner about his significant other and giving him the silent treatment for several days. That seems understandable, especially if their relationship / his upbringing was unhealthy and he hasn’t complete worked through it yet.

and his reaction clearly shows that he didn’t consider his mother’s behaviour ok and it doesn’t seem like he’s minimising it (the opposite, actually).

and he wants to talk to his mother and sort it out, he isn’t sweeping it under the rug….

him being ‘sensitive’ about this also doesn’t mean that he won’t stand up for OP. It could actually mean the complete opposite.

Another thought did they do family cooking together? We do that in my family where some of us will help and do it together. I see food as a social and fun thing to do with the family. Maybe that's how she felt and you told her no don't worry sit down and she may be thinking you don't like her cooking. Baking and cooking for others and they don't eat it or like them to get involved in cooking with them some people would take offence to that. Is she a good baker and cook?

@BiddyBee
Excellent handling and resolution. Imagine how many actual difficult relationship would be saved if we all had the confidence to say "no" to awful behaviour straight off??

@Mummy08m what a lovely post. Yes so true.

Op I would would without a doubt insist on having sleeper phone on
Listen to every word and watch him closely.

Deeply assess how it makes you feel and what he ssys.

It's sounds like the most awfully ghastly situation and yes... My Mil couldn't handle us taking cakes either.
And my god... If I had said I would cook and go and sit down.. That would be the most awful thing that ever happened to her 😂😂.

No one should choke down food they don’t want so as not to risk offending stupidly sensitive people.

Sounds like jealousy. Mums and their Sons. Perhaps she can tell he's serious about you and feels she's 'losing' him to you. Sorry if that doesn't help. All I can say is just keep on being yourself.

Having been in a relationship like this many years ago I suggest you give up now! You will not ever win against his mother. I tried and failed and ironically I am still in communication with his mother and he is married to someone else! If a mother doesn't like you , you will lose. No relationship will win in the situation you describe.

I have been someone's MIL for nearly 20 years and can say that her comments speak volumes about.... her,not you at all. If your partner is not able to stand up to her or simply ignore it then, sadly, that speaks volumes too. Take care.

Welcome to your new life OP!

I could have written this myself, my in laws are exactly the same, very traditional, strong opinions, over 10 years older than my parents, nothing in common, they have no friends, no hobbies or social life. Just miserable people.
They too (MIL really) have had my DH in tears over the years with harsh words, strong opinions and lack of support. It started from the get go but really ramped up when we bought our first home together and they asked for copies of contracts showing I wouldn’t touch his part of the deposit. You can imagine how thrilled they were when we announced our engagement and first child. Nothing is ever good enough for them. I wouldn’t mind if it was with my DH’s best interests at heart but honestly they don’t seem to even want the best for him anyway.

The only advice I can give is, do not suck up to them as they will know what they can get away with and get worse. However don’t put up defences either as that will look like you are wanting to create a bigger issue than needed and they will think they are justified. Just smile at the right times, stay silent at all visits and bite your tongue as best you can. Let your partner see their ways without you having to say anything. It’s hard work and there are times I thought it might break us but we are stronger than they are. Plus we moved 60 miles away after 10 years and life is much more manageable 😁

He sounds like a wet blanket without a backbone if he cried and did nothing to stand up for you

I'd find that very unattractive personally and it sounds like he actually listens to his mother's opinions on his relationships

That would be a no from me I'm afraid

Imagine 5 years down the line and you have a big row and he goes there for the night to get away....
A good Mil would ask him what he did that was so bad to get him kicked out!!

She'd probably try and tell him she knew all along etc.... Blah blah...

I'd cut the apron strings myself and leave that one alone.

As hard as it is, unless he has your back now... He never will xx

I’ve seen this with an ex-friend who is a socio narcissist. She tried so hard to play her adult kids. They stood up to her and now she doesn’t see them. Do not understand parents who do this. We want our children to grow and thrive. Unless, of course they’re in an abusive relationship. Other than that, it’s none of our business! We have to do our best to get on with the partner they choose.

Oh and just to add about the crying, it is absolutely normal for anyone who has suffered years of emotional abuse from parents. These people are meant to protect you but are in fact the very ones making you miserable.
My DH had depression and anxiety from being bullied as a child and his parents allowed it to go on for so long it’s scarred him for life. If it wasn’t the classroom bullies, it was his own parents. Imagine the constant nagging and disapproval about everything you donand just when you are happy and hope you have eventually done something to make them proud, they start on about your new partner. Nothing is off limits with them. If it was me I’d be crying too. And yes it’s easy to say ‘just stand up to them or go NC’. It shows what a good heart someone has if they go through all that and still want to keep a relationship alive because looking after your parents is the ‘right thing to do’

Honestly, she sounds a bit crazy

what type of woman tears apart her son’s partner? Even if they hate you, they should hold back their opinions if they see their son happy. Be supportive of his life and partner choices. Not reduce him to tears

toxic family!

Honestly, I would end this relationship now. I spent 20 years wondering what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t good enough, why I could never connect with my in-laws. I was constantly on edge when I was around them because something just felt off. It took a huge toll on my MH and I’d ruminate for days after seeing them. My husband was like a different person in their presence and would often blame me for why they weren’t close like I was with my parents. It was exhausting and I felt my husband gaslit me if I tried to explain why I felt uncomfortable in their presence.
After years of trying to work out what was wrong with my MIL I stumbled upon something online about covert narcissism- it was her to a T.
It was the most liberating, validating thing ever. We are now very low contact which is so much easier and my husband is so much happier with this arrangement too. BUT, I will say, he has massively struggled with being a father due to the effects of living with the FOG and narcissistic abuse he went through as a child. I love him to bits but I think I might have chosen someone who grew up in a stable, loving family unit and whose parents could be loving and nurturing towards their grandchildren. I would love to have pIL who we could have a genuine, mutually respectful relationship with.

I’ve had this for 16 years with my mil. I questioned myself for years, is it me, how can I make it better, would get upset after every visit. I usually get along with most people and found it all very draining and would think about it for weeks after.
I would say don’t go there. My partner was always supportive but even then I found it all hard to deal with.
I’m older and wiser now and I am the friendliest most welcoming person when they visit. They literally have nothing to complain about and when they are difficult I ignore it, but there has to be boundaries, and if those are crossed my husband addresses it and I stay out

Of it! Proceed with caution.

Don’t worry about the mil, worry about the boyfriend. He should be supporting you. I have three adult sons, all married and I am far too wise to criticise their wives! That’s how it should be.
You did nothing wrong. Sounds like they showed little interest in you and didn’t understand you were trying to help them.

Yikes. What kind of person says that to their son. You smile, nod and hope they have chosen the right partner.

If makes you feel better she may just be one of those judgemental negative types who sounds a bit territorial over her kitchen. Iv a relative who is the same, you can't do right for wrong. You offer to help a million times and they say no, so you don't offer then you are the laziest person in the world. They never open their mouth to ask you to do something, you should just know and then get slagged off to all and sundry about your laziness. Luckily most people know what they are like and they roll their eyes

Gosh, they sound awful! My in laws were elderly (only MIL left now) and very traditional. Never drank much, their idea of 'fun' would be a game of cards, and they were definitely of the three meals a day at set times school of thought. I think it's just a thing for a lot of that generation.

MIL would be horrified if she knew how and when I eat, and all sorts of aspects of our lives. She's too old now to feed people but used to love it, and probably would have hated anyone else cooking in her kitchen. (Actually not sure I'd like anyone in mine either.....?). She comes to us now.

BUT - she would never complain to DH that I hadn't eaten her cake, or that I'd done those other things. She and I have occasionally had a bit of a ding dong but I don't believe she has ever criticised me to DH. If she has he hasn't told me - and he is quite a Mummy's boy and thinks the world of her (she is mostly fab)! If I really upset her he would be upset and would talk to me to see if we could resolve things - but he certainly wouldn't cry about it, and he would accept it if I was adamant I was in the right.

I think your potential MIL sounds very hard work - she can't be more traditional and set in her ways than mine, so why is she so judgemental? As PPs have said I think it sounds as if she can't bear to let go of her DS......which is a problem. Will she be one of those MILs who phones up all the time with a problem DH needs to fix etc? Be very wary.....

If you really want to put things right then I'd try and have a chat with her - or even send flowers and explain your family do things differently and you meant no offence. You shouldn't have to - but if you want keep this relationship on an even keel then maybe swallow your pride? But they sound miserable - don't visit any more than you have to, and stay in a hotel if you can.....

My Mum is 78 (born during WW2) and the most laid back woman you could ever meet! Far less traditional than I am! It's definitely not a generational thing, it's just a personality thing. Some people are just pompous! Some people are simply more traditional than others 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree, I have no issues if anyone wants to cook in my kitchen, and feed me, they want to sweat and slog over the stove while I wait in the air conditioned lounge, reading a book and drooling at the imminent grubs - they are most welcome to! I have no idea why anyone would even get offended at the prospect of someone - not a stranger, but someone who knows what they are doing, otherwise they would not have offered to cook - . I guess possibly this is cultural (I am Indian - our kitchens usually are like communal places)

Anyway I agree that OP should not apologize or change who she is, even to maintain peace. And I am all about maintaining peace, but even I draw the line here. This family is super wrong for the kind of person OP is, and it's best to take an executive decision so to speak now itself, than later. She has done nothing wrong, and trying to be kind and accommodating to a dysfunctional family and a problematic possible MIL is a waste of time and bandwidth.

I am also very annoyed at her boyfriend for dumping all this drama on her head and making her deal with it. I don't care if he cries, everyone has the right to cry, but he could have chosen to deal with this like the adult he is and did not run to OP telling her about what his Mom thinks of her and thus revealing his true nature - when it is about his parents, he does not have the maturity to resolve issues on his own, or choose the right healthy decisions, or set the right boundaries. All he will do is pass the buck and make it other people's problem.

Yes, it does look like long term parental abuse situation here, I am quite sympathetic to it as I recognize the signs quite clearly (I come from a dysfunctional family too), but it's not OP's job to be his friend confident mentor savior, she was not put on earth to do that. She can be, if she loves him and wants this unenviable job of untangling decades and conditioning and carrying such a emotionally taxing job (for possibly years), but she can just say no and choose a better life.

@captainmarvella great post

@PinkIcedCream also great post and I'm one of them.. Very lc now

You put this much more eloquently than I ever could, thank you!

the OP’s boyfriend crying doesn’t make him a wet blanket and it doesn’t mean that he won’t stand up for her.