Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

Dating is getting a snapshot of your future together (regardless of whether you marry or not). Do you like how the future looks?

Sure. I get this.
To me, I was just trying to do a nice thing but yeah I understand how this could've been interpreted incorrectly even if I did say it in a light hearted, fun tone. I just know that if my boyfriend offered to cook at my parents house, they'd absolutely love it.
Different family dynamics I guess!

His mum's manipulation of him sounds horrible. She sulked and ignored him for days to the point of driving him to tears? Nasty. I wonder, did he spend his childhood walking on eggshells around her, OP? And why did his last relationship end?

I don't think he should go and talk to her again - why give her more opportunity to drip poison in his ear? Instead, I'd focus on your relationship and how happy you are so that it empowers him to ignore her tantrums. Because that's what it was - a silent tantrum.

OP,

Slow down and think long and hard about whether you really want to be with a man whose mummy makes him cry?

Do you really want to be with someone so influenced and clearly dominated by him?

Their voices will be in his ear at every turn.

I would put off any plans to move in.

@BiddyBee has it right.
This would be madness to indulge.

Do not consider apologising for a second.

My libido would evaporate and be extinguished by a man made to cry by his mummys disapproval of me.

Complete ICK.

Not normal and the dynamics are so off in that family and likely will remain.

In a situation like this where you remain in contact, their omnipresence will hover.

You will be made aware of their disapproval.

Having children would be further stress.

Your mental health would absolutely be impacted.

The alternative is that you go completely NC, but would your fragile boyfriend cope.

See how his chat goes, and how he responds.

Personally I don't think any man is worth the drama of this.

His being so fragile as to cry is a huge red flag regarding his mental health around his parents and possibly in general.

Should you stay with him, his fragile mental health will dominate everything and put you on the back foot always.

Having to mind him and be the adult rather than the partner.

Absolutely thankless and exhausting.

I couldn’t get past the crying instead of saying mum you’re being silly. Also crying over being ignored rather than asking if there is a problem. Really? Is he always unable to communicate?

If you want to stay in the relationship I’d just refuse to see them again. Might make it difficult for future children as obviously they wouldn’t be able to visit until much older than babies when dad can take them alone. But personally I couldn’t be bothered with the drama so I’d rather say no thanks. Your relationship with your parents is your business and I’m having no part of that

Tbh she sounds like my mil. I spent a long time trying to make her like me when I was younger. But I found her rude, judgemental and not really on ‘my side’. She hated me cooking for her (in my own home), as I was a good cook and prob better than her. She hated anyone giving me a compliment and would visibly wince when this happened. And seemed to revel if anything went wrong for me no matter how trivial.
It affected my mental health for a while, so I just distanced myself and we barely soeak
now. She brought it on herself and I no longer care in the slightest.

Mmm. Not sure I think too much should be read into his tears. He'd obviously had a difficult and emotional few days. Where some of us might react with anger, some withdraw, others might cry. It's just a manifestation of a natural distress at what sounds like pretty horrible behaviour. I thought we'd moved on from the days when it was a sign of weakness in a man.
The way he deals with this from here on will be the demonstration of his strength of character, not the way he expresses his unhappiness.

A friend of mine was dating a guy and went to visit his parents when it got a bit more serious. They lived a couple of hours away from her home city so she got the train and was meant to spend the weekend. She took flowers and a cake as a gift and offered them to her potentially future MIL as she walked through the door. The woman took one look at them, burst into tears and said, "You're trying to make me feel like a stranger in my own home," and rain upstairs. She wouldn't come down, even with her husband and son pleading with her to do so, so my friend left and got the train back home. She still tried to pursue the relationship but it was a disaster as he turned out to be controlling and manipulative as well!

Your boyfriend's parents sound quite abusive and the fact that they have driven him to tears is just awful. This is going to be a thorn in your relationship, it doesn't mean it is doomed but it is going to cause a lot of work. My OH stood by me even though I was in the grip of FOG to emotionally and physically abusive parents and I am so glad he did! Our relationship is fantastic but it did take me a long time to shake off the FOG and get healthy boundaries and I am sure this must have frustrated him. Only you can say if your boyfriend is worth it.

Yes! Thanks for this post. I was fine with him showing his emotion in this way but im obviously concerned that the conversation was that bad that it resulted in him being so upset

Wow. So if a man cries they're not worth bothering with? Last time I checked it was 2023 and we'd moved past disparaging and humiliating men for showing their emotions.

This.

There are enough threads on here to tell you how this bollocks goes.

Yes I too thought this was a weird take

The mother sounds like a manipulative old witch. (Sorry any offended Pagan witches) Jesus. He was crying??

They sound fucking unbearable. Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and sharpish, otherwise, RUN.

It doesn’t sound like he did much standing up for you.

@Inkpotlover you may think it is normal for an adult to be driven to tears by their mothers disapproval of a partner and think it indicates a healthy background and family, I most certainly do not.

His mother sounds awful.

This isn't about his crying per se 🙄, men can and do cry for a variety of reasons, but crying over your mothers criticism of your partner?

Nope, extremely unusual IMO and leads me to think he must be very enmeshed with his parents, unhealthily so.

If you can't see the difference, thats on you.

Wow. So if a man cries they're not worth bothering with? Last time I checked it was 2023 and we'd moved past disparaging and humiliating men for showing their emotions.

Context is everything
If a fully grown adult cries because of some genuine reason/development, of course that's no reason to run.

If a fully grown adult cries because mummy told them off, then yes - run - like the clappers
The crying in that instance is dysfunctional and points to a very very unhealthy family dynamic

That's not crossed wires, it's setting you up.

Any grown person is capable of saying "I get a bit funny about the kitchen so I'll do dinner. But if your lovely offer of help is still open I could really use an extra set of hands peeling the potatoes."

Whatever weird test was set for you, you were never going to pass. Cake ffs, what deeply ungracious hosts.

I'm interested to see how your DP handles this one, it will say a lot about your potential future together.

This.

Unfortunately on MN context is a difficult reach for some.

Grown man crying because mummy didn't like something! Waiting 4 hours after sobbing to fess up why!

Your doomed if you stay with the manbaby

Run run quick as you can

Get away, now.

Oh that will end well...

Crying odd wtf is that about ?

Traditionally older women....I'm guessing if around 15 years older than yours around 70? They would have been brought up to look after guests and to own the kitchen, bring drinks, wait on guests...so ordering them to sit down leaving their kitchen as an almost complete stranger could be seen as rude. As a guest your supposed to accept refreshments and food or your rude....so you needed to explain why you couldn't. Rejecting their hospitality would have been considered rude. Although I'm surprised they didn't usher you out of their kitchen most of that generation would.

Completely agree with this too.

Nobody's died!

I'd find it weird if a woman cried for the same reason

100% this. What’s wrong with a man crying? They have feelings too, every bit a much as we do. My dad, my husband and FIL all had tears in their eyes when we had to have our cat put to sleep (my parents and FIL had come to the vets to say goodbye too).

OP you sound lovely and I really feel for you because my parents are very traditional too and older, and my mum is very easily hurt and offended by the tiniest little things - they’re lovely too but I always think it must be a hard family to marry into.

People are easily driven to tears by frustration and being wound up though. His mum spent days ignoring him and refusing to talk but then, ten minutes before OP was due to arrive to collect him, lays it on thick that she basically doesn't like her. No wonder he expressed upset. Yet it's being assumed his tears must've been the boo-hoo-mummy's-upset-me kind and that he must be some kind of wuss.

If you can't see the difference, that's on you. (With an apostrophe.)