Mother in law issues - help!!

[Sophieweston]

Hi everyone.
I've been with my partner over a year, we're very serious and looking to move in together within the next year.
We live around 4hrs from his parents, and I've met them properly around 4-5 times now.
Background:
In short, his parents are very different to me. They are quiet and very traditional, don't drink at all, quite easily offended (I find it hard to have a 'laugh' with them) but all in all, I genuinely think they are really lovely people.
Because of the above, I have found it difficult to connect with them. We visited them last weekend and it was particularly hard for me - I felt like I was a spare part. They didn't ask me a single question all weekend and I just felt a little left out. To try and help the situation, and to seem appreciative of their hosting, I offered to cook on the Monday evening and I left feeling OK with how things went.

The issue:
I was working close to their house during the week so I left my boyfriend there for a few days whilst I worked away. When I picked him up, it had been clear that he had been crying. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong whilst we were there and waited until after the 4 hr journey home to tell me.
Once home, he told me why he was upset. Whilst I had been away, his mum had been really off with him. Before I arrived, he probed her as to why she had been acting the way she had.
She said that I had upset her for a number of reasons and these were the examples she gave him:

• I was bossy in the kitchen when I cooked (I simply said "go and sit down and take a rest, I've got this") - I genuinely thought I was helping and doing a nice thing, but she's obviously taken this the wrong way.
• I was rude because I didn't eat the cake she had made and only had a small slice of the one I made and bought to their house (I didn't eat her cake because it contained cream which gives me a dodgy tummy)
• I only talk about myself in conversations (I've racked every conversation I had with her over the weekend and I really don't think this is true - like I said above, I've found that they take no interest with me and I was the one feeling like the spare part)

I don't know whether I am being deluded, and maybe I am a bossy, self indulgent rude person but I genuinely don't think I am. I've always been polite and appreciative when I stay, even feeling the way I do.

I don't know how best to approach this now. My boyfriend said he was going to have an in depth conversation with her this week. But how do I go about things my end? Should I ring/ message her, do I send flowers apologising (even though I don't agree!). I've never had this problem with anyone before and I feel genuinely cut up about the whole situation and questioning every part of my personality and who I am because of this. As you can imagine, it's taken a real toll on our relationship and I feel like (or maybe imagining) my boyfriend is questioning who I am as a person because of the things his mum has said.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post and help!!!

🤣

I can see why he cried. Maybe he is imagining how this goes in the future when the woman he loves isn't liked by his family and he is realising that things like weddings, christenings (if that would even happen if OP is not a practising Christian) Christmases might be a nightmare situation.

I don't see it as his "Mummy" told him off, she laid out the issues she has with the OP and her son is upset because it is making him question things.

I will openly admit that I did not get along with my PIL in the beginning, now my FIL rings me to chat to me, not Dh. It wouldn't and didn't put me off marrying him and 25 years later we are very happy together. In the end the more time we all spent together and the more we all realised we just wanted Dh to be happy then that became easier to navigate. Dh told them that if they viewed certain behaviour as disrespectful I wasn't doing it out of malice or spite, it was just me and he loved me.

My PIL want to be treated as guests in my house and the same for us when we go there despite at the time it being Dh's childhood home, they stopped him making himself drinks in the kitchen as it wasn't his home anymore. That felt like a punishment for moving in with me. That is very different to my parents and family, you go into the kitchen and make yourself a drink when you want. My PIL saw this when we hosted birthday parties for the children so they could see how differently it all worked in another family.

Give him a chance, he is going to meet with his Mum but I would also be asking him to fight your corner too, to tell them how he feels about you.

I'm glad my late husband stuck with me despite me having an abusive mother that I was scared of, and the affect it had on me.

I thought we'd got past the 'men shouldn't cry' years. Clearly not going by a lot of posts on this thread.

Speaking as a woman very nearly 70 with many friends of that age, I don't agree with a word of this

We're children of the 60s and 70s. Not pre-war!

Love the preemptive apology to Pagan witches 😂

They are Christians - really?? They don't sound like it!

The fact that your OH was crying about it is very very weird indeed. What is the history? Is he a Mummy's Boy? Have his parents buggered up other relationships of his?

I have no problem with men crying - it is just that this ridiculous conversation did not warrant such a reaction. He should have just told her it was none of her business. That he likes you and what they think is a total irrelevance.

I completely agree with this.
I'd imagine his mum has deep rooted manipulation and control techniques to make him feel he's done something wrong when he hasn't. This woman is going to be very challenging to have a relationship with. Why did his last relationship end? 5 years is a long time to be together and end things so she could well have been a catalyst for the breakup.
How serious is the relationship? Do you love this man?
If your answer to either of these is not totally positive I'd be seriously re considering the relationship.

As someone who cries at the drop of the hat, I wouldn't read into him crying as meaning anything particular. Some of us just cry a lot haha. I don't even think it's that I feel more upset than other people, just that the tears come very easily.

OP you sound lovely and obviously very thoughtful. I will say that I really wouldn't like it if a guest wanted to cook in my kitchen. I can see how from your phrasing your MIL maybe felt she couldn't say no.

I also wouldn't bring a homemade cake tbh, I'd just go for flowers.

What I imagine has happened is as other people have suggested, you insisting (though you clearly meant it kindly) on cooking and bringing your own cake has made MIL feel like she's not the 'matriarch' anymore. She might be feeling a bit sad that her son is all grown up and doesn't need her anymore, and those feelings are manifesting in this way.

She's being unreasonable to take this out on your son the way she has, and the way she's spoken about you. I think the best thing to do is to apologise for any offence caused and I would just explain your intentions along with some niceties. Then draw a line under it and see how it goes from here - hopefully MIL will feel a bit daft and you can all get on well from here on out. At the end of the day, she lives four hours away so it's not like she's going to be a huge feature of your day to day life.

Definitely this!

I cried when a parent made it very clear they didn't like my DP. I was heartbroken. I love my family and I love my (now) DH. I didn't forsee them not getting on and I found it hard. I don't think that makes me weak or desperate for approval. I got over it and my parent did too. They are cordial to one another, it is what it is.

However, I would be watching closely to see how your DP responds to the situation. He needs to have your back. If he decides to support his DM over you then you know your place. I would never accept being second place to my MIL.

As a woman in her 60s I know loads like this especially the church goers I guess it depends on your upbringing but the ones I know who go to church had very traditional parents themselves ....as the op has only met the mil 4 times she's not a close family member and not yet a proper Dil.....they don't even live together yet so really just a girlfriend

Thanks for your nice reply 🥰
Yeah I get that. As I've said in previous replies, the offer to cook came from a genuine place as in my family, food and cooking for one another is the way to everyone's heart. I get that might be different in other households though!
I have also baked a cake on the previous times I visited, and they've always loved to receive it so a bit confused why this time was different unless she doesn't like it and doesn't have the heart to say anything as you've said.

My reply is to the first post that @Sophieweston posted.

Do not send flowers.
She is being a very silly woman carrying on and bringing her adult son to tears. Actually I'd go so far as to say she's not just 'old fashioned' but someone that I would be very cautious around.

So you didn't eat her cake? So what. I'd turn that back to her saying that you have some dietary requirements that due to the cream being used in the cake, this meant that you couldn't eat it. If anyone had asked before you showed up, you would have been able to advise them beforehand. No one did.

I would, if you could, have a call with her, before your partner has their heart to heart. Explain that there was no malice behind your comment asking her to sit down and put her feet up. It's how you were raised to do things. As for the conversations about yourself - well, I'd turn that around and say that had you been asked questions or included in conversations, you feel that it wouldn't have been necessary. Turn the situation back on her poor manners for excluding you in the discussions.

Stand up for yourself.

Stop trying to bend yourself to suit what she wants. You are your own woman. Be that woman. They take you as they find you. Your partner clearly has no issues with that so why should they!

Don't buy flowers or do anything along those lines to apologise. From reading what I've read in your opening message, you have nothing to apologise for. She on the other hand could have been more inclusive, more inviting, more friendly. She wasn't and she's the one who is upset. I give up!

This isn't about men in general; this is about specific adults in a dysfunctional and/or controlling relationship

Those who have experienced and survived this kind of situation (me too) are just trying to offer our insights to help the OP assess what to do next

Believe me, these controlling familial relationships will impact on any DC in the future, unless iron boundaries are placed now - by the OP (again - speaking from experience)

Again, this is not about whether men should cry or not; this is about control

I've avoided all contact with my MIL for years now because of the way she's spoken to and behaved towards me. I choose not to spend time with someone who quite clearly, from the things she's said and done in the past, hates me. Even DH, who likes to keep the peace by visiting her, knows this.

In the early days of our marriage, she would come to Sunday lunch at ours and, when she got home, would phone and complain about the meal. More than once she spat food out, declaring it to be "disgusting."

Some people are just difficult, and don't care about forming a good relationship with their children's partners.

I don’t think you’ve don’t anything wrong from what you wrote and tbh I world leave the relationship. The whole dynamic feels off, boyfriend crying at his parents just gives the f’inch ick.

I've now read more of your posts @Sophieweston and I'd like to comment on the point that they are Christians.

One of the teachings of Christianity is to "turn the other cheek". Another is to be the 'good Samaritan'. Another is to welcome back into the fold the 'prodigal son/daughter' and to share whatever you have with those less fortunate than yourself. There is nothing against sharing with everybody.

They are not being very Christian to make their son so unhappy it brings him to tears, to make someone that their son loves very unhappy either. That's not being Christian at all. They sound horrible to be honest.

I really really really would give some strong consideration about whether I would want to be around my partner (depending on whether they sat there and listened to a lecture about your failings, or if they actually stood up to the parent) and their family based on the latter posts you've made.

Funny how kitchens are territorial! If my DS's girlfriend offered to cook and kicked me out of the kitchen (and she would definitely be the sort to do this!) when I offered to help, I'd not think anything of it because I've known her for 5 years now and I know her personality and how she talks/behaves so I wouldn't get upset but if she had said that to me having only met me 4/5 times, I'd have felt that she was being a bit domineering and bossy and it would have probably 'stung' a bit. (Certainly wouldn't have mentioned it to my DS as a one-off thing)

The fact that he cried when his mother spoke to him would make me think there is certainly more things that she discussed with him that he hasn't told you. He's probably too scared to tell you everything she said for fear that you'll leave him/kick off (like he's been used to all his life with his parents - the FOG) so told you the bare minimum. There is more to that conversation that you haven't been told, I'm sure.

It's highly possible that your partners parents (particularly the mum) have 'controlled' what he does with regard to girlfriends and the mum in particular is struggling with relinquishing that level of control. Is he an only child? Do you know what his mum was like with previous girlfriends? The mum is probably jealous of him forming a relationship with another female as it puts her further down his list of priorities. (I say all that because I watched this play out with my own mother and brother - no woman was good enough for golden-balls brother and as result, he's finally gone NC with mum and mum has only got herself to blame!)

Personally, I'd ask him to have the phone call with his mum on loud speaker so you can hear word for word, what her issues are. Don't do anything until he's spoken with her. Good luck!

I'm just trying to see it from both sides-my parents are quiet, straight laced/easily offended and my DBs ex sounds similar to you.
She was a nice woman, but they found her too dominant and loud.

There's no denying cooking for your PIL was very kind; but telling people to sit down in their own home, for those who aren't used to visitors, may have come as a surprise and made them uncomfortable. I know my parents found DBs ex bossy, I don't think she was particularly, it was her way but very different to what they were like- bear in mind they had a very traditional gender roles type relationship and my mum is very passive.

I'd explain about the cake. Other than that, you have done nothing wrong it is just different personalities and families coming together.
I hope your DP has your back and things go better next time.
x

Loads of people saying 'Leave him!'

I would think about how much control the ILs have over your DP.

Thinking about it, my DH (who has almost identical parents as your ILs) left home at 18 and never really went back. They have little to no influence on our lives.

They asked / inferred whether I was a 'gold digger' before we got married. My DH made it clear to them that my family was richer than them (they'd got it into their heads that because I am Northern I mist be poor).

Watch closely to see how how your DP reacts.

Ok, so I wouldn't want you to cook at my house, but I'd not accept the offer, then go all pass agg about it. FWIW I think if the meal situation hadn't gone on, they would have kicked about something else, it's just something to hang it on ifuswim. Sometimes people are spoiling for a row, and just look for anything to start it. Unfortunatley I have a sis in law like this.

Your DP needs to have your back in this. If he doesn't, you will have to put up with shiz for many years. Ask me how I know

They are clearly batshit crazy. Really annoys me when they claim to be so Christian. Not Christian love, or agape about this situation at all.

Do you really want to be with such a wet mummy’s boy?
My husband would have said don’t be daft mum op was trying to help. Not get upset and cry.

Please do not doubt yourself. Even if they didn't like the tone, you were making a meal for them as a thank you. They could've appreciated the gesture, rather they complained about you.

Also those who won't let their daughter in law in their personal territory / kitchen cook occasionally arw not the friendliest of in laws in my opinion. They are more about their rules, surface level manners than appreciating good gesture and intentions. Such people are hard work in my experience.

Yes I understand this, especially after reading some of the replies! I feel like this is where the problem as come from and then she's scrapping the bottom of the barrel with the other issues.

He's not an only child- has a older brother who also has a girlfriend of about 2 years. The girlfriend is very different to me and very similar to the parents which probably doesn't help the cause.

My boyfriend had a previous long term relationship of 5 years. I've not heard of any issues she had with them. They split up after moving in together during the pandemic which I always assumed just took a major toll on their relationship.

Thanks for your reply, helpful to see it from your side x