That's my bench - was aibu

[Blueysmumagain]

Genuinely couldn't get over this yesterday. Appreciate its a tiny thing

Husband and I at busy park with 5 yo

Plenty of benches free. One 4 person bench with a pram next to it but no one sitting on it. No bags or coats on bench etc. An empty bench

Husband and I sit at one end. Still space for 2 other people

Woman comes over, picks up pram, and says - in the most passive aggressive tone - "that was my bench actually. But don't you worry about it. I suppose you expect me to move now. Unbelievable

I said "I am very sorry - there is plenty of space, we assumed it was okay"

She walked off to 2 benches down and for the next ten minutes proceeded to tell her friend, when she came over, just how unreasonable we were

Was ibu? Is this a new rule I have missed? Could not believe the looks she kept giving us
.

No, but the last time I pointed out that someone had completely contradicted herself and simply saying "no I never" did not change that fact, she turned into a loon and started following me all over the site.

Your comments are right there and people can judge for themselves.

In the meantime, you don't get rights to the seat you're not using. If you want to commandeer everything within a three foot radius, take a private vehicle.

Common OP, where are you?

Bit rude

Agreed. Strange choice

I just don’t understand why you chose to sit at the bench when there was a pram there, when you say there were plenty of empty options? Seems super weird to me and I’d probably be annoyed as well if I was the other person

There are hundreds of tiny rules we navigate all the time.

You see a beautiful person, do you take a photo of them? No.
Someone's dress looks lovely and silky. Do you stroke it? No.
You overhear part of a stranger's juicy conversation. Do you say, "wait, so who's Marie?" No.
You see a nice car. Do you say "can I see what it looks like inside? Can we take a spin?" No.
You see an old man with really good teeth, do you ask if they are real or fake? No.

You're in a park full of empty benches. One is occupied (buggy). Do you sit there? No.

@Blueysmumagain it's puzzling why the pram, unless your spooks?

Collecting intelligence

You can’t bagsy a public bench 🤦‍♀️ you did nothing wrong so don’t give her another thought.

Overtly intrusive and creepy behaviour is not at all comparable to sitting on an empty, unattended public bench.

Rest assured I won't be following you anywhere, let alone around this site.

I didn’t contradict myself. If you cannot comprehend the difference between not wanting someone to sit right next to you in a non busy carriage to not caring who sits next to you in a busy one, I can't help you.

@DrSbaitso

Overly intrusive and creepy is exactly correct in describing joining an existing group when custom does not deem it appropriate.

OP is intruding.

There's no intelligence to collect here

That's reassuring. It was very creepy.

You claimed that the seat next to you was your personal space and then denied saying that it was your personal space. You can change the story now all you want, it's right there in the quote history. People can see it.

It's not your personal space. You can't claim empty seats.

It's not an existing group. The bench was empty and unattended. There was nobody there.

Once again, using social cues, we all know that leaving belongings by a seating area is an indicator the owner will return.

These are cues understood in England and generally western society. They may have different norms in India or China or Argentina, but in England: (1) when in public you don't sit with strangers if there is other empty seating available; and (2) leaving a personal item like a towel/jumper/book/pram is taken as an indicator that the seating is reserved.

If the item is on the floor, or something like a phone, which people usually take more care of, the indication would be that the owner accidentally dropped the item. Otherwise: item = reserved = don't sit here.

@DrSbaitso I'm thinking you're taking this all very literally, which is a trait that can tend to go hand in hand with misreading social cues, so that makes some sense. This is fine if you don't need to coexist in a society with other humans and have them not think you're an oddball. You're also misunderstanding the idea of personal space. This doesn't always necessarily apply to an object like a seat, it's not a physical concept.

Yes you are allowed to sit on the seat next to a person, or decide that the bench with the belongings on or next to it is the one for you disregarding the many other empty options leaving the other occupier more space.

No, it's not welcome or normal to do so. There are lots of things we can do, it doesn't mean they're a good idea, which is where being able to read a room comes in handy, but I appreciate it's not in everyone's skill set.

Once again, using social cues, we all know that leaving belongings by a seating area is an indicator the owner will return.

I certainly expect someone to come back for a pram. But I've never seen leaving a pram by a four seater bench as an indicator that the pram owner expects nobody else to sit there in the meantime. It says to me that someone's taken the baby off to play and will be back when they're ready to move on. Actually, now I'm worried about the times I've left a buggy or bike near a bench while we go off and have fun. I'm not trying to claim the whole bench, I'm just putting the travel stuff out of the way until we need it again. Tucked up near furniture seems more unobtrusive than creating an obstacle in a clear space.

And even if they do expect it, so what? You can't commandeer a public four seater bench by virtue of your expectation. It's simply not yours.

And as for the poster who thinks it's not normal to sit on an empty, unattended bench? That's almost as daft as the wittering about social graces. It's not high society and genteel breeding, it's sheer entitlement. It's a public bench and as long as you're not sitting there, you can't claim it.

What about if you left your belongings there all day so nobody else could sit there, denying dozens of people use of a public facility so you could act like you'd reserved it? What about it an older or disabled person really needs to use it while you're 200 yards away for however long? Is that social graces? Is that normality?

My social skills are fine. I just don't subscribe to the idea that claiming public spaces as your own, in your prolonged absence, is a sign of gentility. It's just a sign of blimmin' entitlement.

OP had every right to sit on an unattended public bench. She was not graceless or abnormal or socially inept to do so.

I found myself on a public bus yesterday (busy city centre so lots on/off at various stops) and was thinking about this post and watched with interest - from 3/4 of the way back, surrounded by no one! People do just get on and sit. I've never noticed it before. They'd get on look only at the space directly in front of them then plonk down often you'd see their eyes look up at that point and the regret as they noticed the far more spacious and empty seats further back as the r squished down beside a stranger in the narrower front ones but they'd committed at that point. Everyone sat there looking awkward. Quite fascinating! Sorry for the derail .. back to the bench!

I don't think it's that involved. I think all that it requires is an awareness that the other person might want a bit of space, and all you need to do is choose one of the many other available empty spaces. Not that one.

And an understanding that your "right" to sit where you want has an impact, and might be equal to someone's right to a bit of space, where it's possible.

These days from fake Wi-Fi rocks, etc you never know what's being used to transfer documents etc