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AIBU?

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Original poster

A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

303 replies

HiLee19 · 16/07/2023 21:15

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/07/2023 21:16

You don’t need an excuse not to have children. You don’t want to. That’s enough. If that’s suddenly become a deal breaker for him then the marriage is over. Sorry.

Doggymummar · 16/07/2023 21:17

Quite possibly. I married at 18 and divorced at 30 when my H changed his mind about having kids. There is no compromise we could work out.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 16/07/2023 21:17

Don’t have kids if you’re not completely sure you want them - they’re amazing and rewarding but also incredibly hard work and completely change the dynamics of your life. If having a baby is a dealbreaker for your DH then I’d suggest going to stay with a friend for a few days to get some space to really think through what you want.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 16/07/2023 21:19

It doesn’t matter how perfect the rest of the picture is, if you don’t want kids that’s reason enough.

The fact that he “doesn’t mind” if you’re a SAHM tells you that he’s not prepared to do any of the work. Don’t have a kid to make him happy when he won’t be arsed to do any actual work with the kid.

Peacoffee · 16/07/2023 21:21

You don’t want a child so don’t have one.
You can’t do it for your DH but you need to be clear with him that you aren’t undecided but actually don’t want any, therefore leaving him to decide if it’s something he wants to o separately.

iheartherainiysloud · 16/07/2023 21:31

If you don't want a baby you don't want a baby, you don't need to come up with an excuse, it doesn't matter how perfect you situation may be if you don't want a child don't have one. I do have kids and I'm a sahm, but my dh works and while he is a good dad I am the one who does the majority of the kids stuff (as I should as I am at home), but my dh can come and go as he pleases and do what he wants without thinking about putting plans in place for kids, but I can't do that as I have to think of the kids first. I don't ever get a break (unless you count having a shower). I don't mind as I wanted my kids and had them for myself not just cos dh wanted them. If dh wanted them and I didn't and I was stuck at home with no life I would resent my dh for making me do
Something I didn't want to. Think carefully about your decision, don't just have kids cos you don't want to loose your dh, if you don't want kids tell him if he chooses to leave that's up to him.

classylassie · 16/07/2023 21:34

would even consider to give him a child

You don’t want a child, you never did. Please don’t have a child just to keep your husband happy. You will end up doing all the childcare, home care, mental load, plus your FT work (if that lasts). Read the many, many threads on here by the exhausted, frustrated women. You will end up resenting him. Does he know the realities of having a newborn, toddler, pre-teen, teen?

CuriousGeorge80 · 16/07/2023 21:35

I love our daughter more than anything in the world. She is the greatest person I know. But it is relentless and exhausting and without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. If I hadn’t wanted her I don’t think I could cope with what life has become. Don’t have a baby unless you 100% want one.

TeaKitten · 16/07/2023 21:37

It’s absolutely the end sorry. You can’t ‘give him a child’ to try and keep him, it’s categorically wrong, it’s not a plant it’s a human being. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, and you shouldn’t have them if it’s not something you really really want. But equally you need to let him go while he’s still young enough to find someone else or he will resent you forever.

Missingmyusername · 16/07/2023 21:41

You say will your life become more miserable? On that basis alone, given your income level I would say it doesn’t need to. Get a nanny, a cleaner more often, your social life need not change too much. Voila….
But.
You then say you may feel resentful of the child and your husband- that’s stronger. That tells me you definitely don’t want a child.

Your husband cant help how he feels and neither can you. If you stay together he may resent you. If you have a baby for him, you may resent both him and the child.

Awful predicament to be in as otherwise you seem very happy. You can only be honest with each other even if it hurts.

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 21:44

Don't have a baby unless you really want one OP.

Allinadayswork80 · 16/07/2023 21:44

It’s sounds very much like you don’t want a baby. Yes they can be wonderful but only if you want them in the first place. A baby will completely change your life and dynamic and you will come to resent your DH if he’s not ‘hands on’ with baby or home - something you never wanted in the first place will all fall to you. If you love and enjoy your career then seriously consider “giving him a baby” as you will be the one making all the sacrifices by the sounds of it. If it’s a deal breaker for him then I’m
afraid it could well mean the end of your relationship. You have always been open and honest about your feelings in that respect and you shouldn’t have to compromise. You say you have everything to give a child but ultimately all a child wants and needs is unconditional love.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/07/2023 21:45

If he is already not hands on with household and mental load stuff, do you think this will get better or worse if you have a child?

He needs to be realistic. You have misgivings now for solid reasons. You also do not have a burning desire to have a baby. That is also valid.

BTW £65k a year is considered high earning.

wholivesondrurylane · 16/07/2023 21:47

You don't have a baby to keep your partner or to make them happy.

It's not fair on you, it's not fair on the partner but more importantly, it's not fair on the child!

plasticwallet · 16/07/2023 21:49

You defo don't need an excuse to not have one. Also don't think because I have a big house, nice lifestyle etc it will all be ok. In some ways that may make it harder; less disposable income & far less freedom.

overitunderit · 16/07/2023 21:49

Just because you have the material set up to have a child doesn't mean you should. If you don't want a child (and it sounds like you're fairly clear you don't want one) then fgs don't have one because you feel you should or because your DH wants one. Trust me your life will be miserable if you have a child you do not want.

plasticwallet · 16/07/2023 21:50

Also it doesn't sound like he wants to be too hands on & if you want to have a career he needs to be.

Gloschick · 16/07/2023 21:51

Kids are hard work but they can also bring much happiness. Which bits will you lose? You will still have the house, cars, DH, friends. Yes, maybe less dinner parties but sounds like you have enough money to buy in help. You're right, things can't stay as you are. I think you have to work out which scenario makes you more unhappy:

  1. Having a child you are not sure if you want but staying with current set up.
  2. Going it alone and watching your DH create a family with a new woman.
Userengage · 16/07/2023 21:51

A child changes EVERYTHING. You don’t want one, don’t be bullied into having one.

whumpthereitis · 16/07/2023 21:53

Don’t have a child you don’t want. You don’t need an excuse not to have one, and whether you’re in a perfect position or not is irrelevant - you don’t want one.

You’ve been upfront with your husband from the start, but instead of respecting your clearly stated wishes he’s tried to browbeat you into it. That is shitty on his part, and I would wonder whether he told you what you wanted to hear, thinking you’d change your mind later (because all women do, obviously 🫠).

You were fine before him and you will be fine after him. You’re in a good position to move onwards and upwards, don’t shortchange yourself by doing something you don’t want to do.

Saschka · 16/07/2023 21:54

The set up you have at the moment is over anyway OP - if you have a baby, you’ll resent him (because it’s clear he will leave all the parenting to you, and you don’t actually want kids). If you don’t have a baby, he’ll resent you and probably end up finding someone who will.

You are not as compatible as you thought you were, unfortunately - different opinions on having children are completely irreconcilable.

Hillrunning · 16/07/2023 21:55

would even consider to give him a child

This is a whole human life you are talking about. Babies becom3 children who become adults. A human being should not be created to appease a grumpy husband who has always known your views. Don't do it.

Hillrunning · 16/07/2023 21:57

He is the one moving the goal posts here not you.

Tangledbaby · 16/07/2023 21:58

But your husband doesn’t actually want a child really, does he?

He wants to get you pregnant, you go through childbirth and then you do the childcare whilst he can opt in and out whenever.

It may be different if he was saying that HE would be happy to be a SAHD or even go part time and basically say he wants the experience of daily child rearing. The ups and the downs.

But he’s not saying that is he? He’s saying he’s happy for you to continue doing the loo share of domestic duties on top of being a SAHM whilst he gets the status of ‘dad’.

Ask him what exactly it is he wants a child for? Because from what you’ve written he’s not exactly describing him wanting the change in lifestyle, just the title.

Also you don’t want one so that’s all irrelevant.

On another note almost 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway and 9/10 it’s the women left holding the baby.

Imagine him discovering, like a lot of men do, that having children isn’t all Christmas day and family holidays and is actually graft. He finds it’s not for him and mentally checks out. Then the resentment builds whilst you’re left doing the grunt work and you split.

Your left as a single mum struggling with childcare around work, whilst he swans off into the sunset to start over but with the status of ‘great dad’ because he sees the kid every other weekend and pays maintanence.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/07/2023 21:58

But you don't want one. That's reason enough not to have one.

They're bloody hard work, even when desperately wanted and longed for. Can't imagine how much harder it would be with a child you didn't even want to have.