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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

303 replies

HiLee19 · 16/07/2023 21:15

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 19/07/2023 12:15

Valentina123 · 19/07/2023 12:01

Big car, house and holidays don’t sound like an amazing life to me. A family life with chides and a comfortable financial situation does but to each their own.

See, I feel completely the opposite to you. One person’s amazing life is the hell of another, indeed. Thankfully we are free to choose our own paths.

BathroomOnTheRight · 19/07/2023 12:17

@anyolddinosaur Some of the child free are being very aggressive in defending their choice. If you are confident it's the right choice you dont need to be aggressive, that suggests you doubt and need to convince yourself.

One could say the same thing about those who have children. They seem to be very aggressive in defending their choice to have children, like they're trying to convince themself even though it seems like they are jealous of child free and resent having children. If having children is such a wonderful thing they shouldn't have to protest too much to convince themselves they did the right thing having children.

Hatari00 · 19/07/2023 21:42

@HiLee19 Do not have children because if your husband, or because you’ve run out of reason etc…

I did exactly this- had a baby because I ran out of reasons to give not to have one. I live my child and doing everything that needs to be fine however this is not me - deep down I know that. From my career to keeping my healthy habits (running, yoga etc) having mind space everything becomes a challenge. The world slowly starts to see you as a ‘mum of so and so’ and you have to fight hard to retain your identity. It will be fine for someone who really wants a family as no doubt there will be challenges but they would see it as part of the role…but for someone who didn’t want it it will be very difficult to make peace with it.

think very clearly before deciding as once you are a mum there is no going back!

anyolddinosaur · 20/07/2023 22:40

@BathroomOnTheRight But no-one has been aggressively saying the OP should have children, quite the opposite. The only helpful suggestions have come from those with children. The husband wants a child or children. There is a reason for this and OP needs to find out what is missing in his life and either find something else to fill that need, leave him or spend the rest of their time together wondering if he will leave her. Parroting "dont have a child unless you really want one" multiple times is not helpful.

Sleepydoor · 21/07/2023 00:34

Parroting "dont have a child unless you really want one" multiple times is not helpful.

Isn't it?

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:42

A baby is the beginning of the beginning ♥️

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/07/2023 00:49

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:42

A baby is the beginning of the beginning ♥️

What does this actually mean, though? It sounds like an inspirational poster.

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:57

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/07/2023 00:49

What does this actually mean, though? It sounds like an inspirational poster.

Show quote history

I’ll let you ponder until the light begins to dawn. Good luck.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t need to be told what it means, neither would Elizabeth Bennet.

Cheesusisgrate · 21/07/2023 07:49

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:42

A baby is the beginning of the beginning ♥️

... If the end for those who don't want one❤️

Cheesusisgrate · 21/07/2023 07:49

Sleepydoor · 21/07/2023 00:34

Parroting "dont have a child unless you really want one" multiple times is not helpful.

Isn't it?

I think that should be parroted over and over everywhere.
Unwanted kids are not particularly great thing or anyone🤷

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2023 08:04

There is a reason for this and OP needs to find out what is missing in his life and either find something else to fill that need,

why is this OP’s job to do and not that of her DH? He’s the one who wants a child, not her.

Middlelanehogger · 21/07/2023 08:50

KimberleyClark · 21/07/2023 08:04

There is a reason for this and OP needs to find out what is missing in his life and either find something else to fill that need,

why is this OP’s job to do and not that of her DH? He’s the one who wants a child, not her.

She's the one who wants to keep her husband...

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/07/2023 08:58

I gave into this sort of pressure. Once baby was here he decided he didn't want one after all. It was all a big mistake! He had an affair and off he went. I found myself a lone parent in my mid 40's. It's been hard. I don't regret my beautiful boy for a second, he's here and I wouldn't change it. However I had so many doubts at the time. If you're not in the same place with this life changing decision then the marriage is over unfortunately.

pimplebum · 21/07/2023 09:23

Money and owning things is not a good reason to have kids
You don't need a reason
You don't want them

Moneynewpence · 21/07/2023 09:31

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:42

A baby is the beginning of the beginning ♥️

Of a lot of stress, grief and struggle.

Moneynewpence · 21/07/2023 09:33

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:57

I’ll let you ponder until the light begins to dawn. Good luck.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t need to be told what it means, neither would Elizabeth Bennet.

Show quote history

Because historical novels of manners are SUCH a brilliant guide to life. Are you high?

overthinkersanonnymus · 21/07/2023 09:33

Get a dog

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 21/07/2023 10:00

Moneynewpence · 21/07/2023 09:33

Because historical novels of manners are SUCH a brilliant guide to life. Are you high?

Show quote history

Also, Darcy and Elizabeth had exactly the sort of staff I mentioned previously as being needed for a person’s life not to change plus Elizabeth didn’t have a career.

So basically no resemblance to OP’s life whatsoever, really.

CleverLilViper · 21/07/2023 12:06

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:57

I’ll let you ponder until the light begins to dawn. Good luck.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t need to be told what it means, neither would Elizabeth Bennet.

Show quote history

Oh, look, nonsense!

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/07/2023 12:16

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:57

I’ll let you ponder until the light begins to dawn. Good luck.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t need to be told what it means, neither would Elizabeth Bennet.

Show quote history

I agree. Darcy and Elizabeth wouldn’t need to be told what it means because Jane Austen wouldn’t have written such rubbish in the first place.

HermeticDawn · 21/07/2023 13:13

MysteryBelle · 21/07/2023 00:57

I’ll let you ponder until the light begins to dawn. Good luck.

Mr. Darcy wouldn’t need to be told what it means, neither would Elizabeth Bennet.

Show quote history

I’m not sure why we’re suddenly doing Austen in a thread about having children, but Darcy would have viewed having children as a dynastic duty, particularly an heir and a spare to inherit Pemberley. Elizabeth would have been aware of the chanciness of fertility, having seen her own parents lose out to the entailing of Longbourn by having five daughters and no sons. And as there was no contraception other than primitive barrier methods used by prostitutes, or separate bedrooms after a couple had completed their family, and as marital rape was not a concept in law, she didn’t have a choice, anyway.

Even Charlotte Lucas’s desire to avoid her husband as much as possible doesn’t extend to the bedroom, as she’s pregnant by the end of the novel with the child that, if male, will eventually inherit Longbourn. And if it’s a girl, she’ll have to keep conceiving.

Still not sure what Pride and Prejudice has to do with the thread.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 21/07/2023 13:43

HermeticDawn · 21/07/2023 13:13

I’m not sure why we’re suddenly doing Austen in a thread about having children, but Darcy would have viewed having children as a dynastic duty, particularly an heir and a spare to inherit Pemberley. Elizabeth would have been aware of the chanciness of fertility, having seen her own parents lose out to the entailing of Longbourn by having five daughters and no sons. And as there was no contraception other than primitive barrier methods used by prostitutes, or separate bedrooms after a couple had completed their family, and as marital rape was not a concept in law, she didn’t have a choice, anyway.

Even Charlotte Lucas’s desire to avoid her husband as much as possible doesn’t extend to the bedroom, as she’s pregnant by the end of the novel with the child that, if male, will eventually inherit Longbourn. And if it’s a girl, she’ll have to keep conceiving.

Still not sure what Pride and Prejudice has to do with the thread.

Show quote history

I’m fairly sure @MysteryBelle is the only one who does think it has anything to do with the thread. Everyone else is just pointing out that’s a bizarre suggestion, particularly as she won’t say why she thinks it’s relevant, just saying she will ‘leave you to ponder’. I’ve pondered. I still don’t have a clue and still think it’s batshit to suggest the lives of (fictional!) immensely wealthy historical members of the aristocracy who (if they were real) would literally have hundreds of servants to care for the house, 3 people (Elizabeth, Darcy and Darcy’s sister) plus any children might be relevant to the OP today.

BadNomad · 21/07/2023 13:45

Maybe she was just sleep-talking. It made sense to her.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:55

BathroomOnTheRight · 19/07/2023 02:31

@Ndhdiwntbsivnwg What an extreme overreaction. Why is he an idiot for wanting to have a child with his wife?

Show quote history

Because he wants her to have a baby.

He shows no signs of wanting to be a father

Newestname002 · 21/07/2023 15:48

HiLee19 · 16/07/2023 22:49

Woow I did not expect this type of support from everyone! I thought I’ll get mostly - you don’t know what you’re missing out, children are such a blessing bla blaa blaa
Thank you all, I’m away on the work trip this week and considering to extend it for a day, so I can get some time off just to re-evaluate how to move forward with this. I feel like I’ll need to make some bold decisions unfortunately!
I do agree that children are hard work and I’m just not ready give to everything up at the moment.

Glad your taking some time and space away from your husband to think about your decision and how you see your future.

Do consider whether it's a good idea to make yourself emotionally and possibly financially vulnerable to someone who unilaterally moves the goalposts, pesters you, argues with you and threatens divorce if you don't bend to his will and have children you don't want, especially if he's unlikely to be supportive or hands on with this child. Being a SAHM married to someone like this is unlikely to bring you added joy as the fear is that, yes, he is likely to deprioritise you.

Also just wondering - is he seeng having children as a further sign of his success that he's currently lacking? 🌹