A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

If you can afford a full time live in nanny as-well as nursery then that is an option I would explore at least. If one of you does not concede on this point then the marriage is over.

The perception that people with kids are generally less happy than before they had kids is correct - plenty of studies show this, quality of life drops, (after the initial 'woohoo the baby is here' bit), general happiness etc is down and stays that way til they bugger off really.

Now that may be worth it (presumably so) if you REALLY want kids, if you've a burning desire to reproduce and raise a child... though not everyone ends up feeling that way of course.

If you do not - and you seem not to, then it is madness to entertain the idea on the grounds that 'you have no excuse not to'.

You do have a reason not to - not an excuse, a bloody good reason. You don't want to.

Add it to the presumably long list of things you do not wish to do and therefore will not do... I include poking myself in the eye with a fork, setting fire to £50's, shitting in my hands and clapping...

I am/was in your position. Still not 100% sure I made the right decision but I’m pregnant now so there we are.

The big difference is that although my income is similar to yours and my dh is the proper high earner, he is moving his life now to be at home and he grew up with a stay at home dad himself, so he is in a good position to do the mental load stuff. I also have horses and the money for childcare, so my time off from work during parental leave will be (of course) boring and baby orientated a lot of the time, but I will also be able to go to the yard for a bit every day and take my baby and childcare with me so I can still keep a little bit of myself.

i don’t think this is going to be easy, and I think life childfree would be easier, but there will be the fun sides of this - ponies being a big part of it. I’m used to hard work, early starts, self-discipline, constant worry and disappointments as that is what owning and competing horses teaches you! And I still love and am obsessed with my horses despite all the drama, upset, and broken back.

However, I would listen to what other women say here: if your dh is saying you can be a SAHM, that indicates he has a vision of a traditional set up. That needs addressing. My dh and I have been together 17 years and he knows that this is extremely difficult for me, so he has taken concrete, measurable steps to do the work of making it less difficult. If yours just wants his life to continue as it is while you deal with everything that comes with a baby, then I would be really mindful of that.

If you’re sure you don’t want a child then absolutely don’t have one. If you have a baby just for your husband, then one day your husband decides it’s not the life he expected and leaves, you’ll be sole parent to a child you could well resent and make both of your lives miserable.

Right now he’s turned it into an ultimatum which isn’t fair at all. It’s understandable to be frustrated but it’s a huge amount of pressure on the other person. It would be worth going to counselling together to see if you can reach a compromise or gain some insight into what might help you both move forward.

People casually telling @HiLee19 oh just outsource the work, get a cleaner that comes in more often, get a nanny etc....she will still need to go through 9 months of being pregnant, hours or days of labour. Not every women has an easy childbirth there are some horror stories. What about PND? What if the child is disabled, has SEN or needs full time life long care of some sort?

She doesn’t want a child so why would she want to compromise her physical and mental health for something SHE DOES NOT WANT!?

Perhaps give your DH an ultimatum of your own instead ?

Unless HE is happy to be the SAHP, then NO baby ! (And SAHP is the one who does all night wakings/cleaning/cooking/life admin etc 5 days a week. You'd be happy to do 50/50 when you get in from work and at weekends)

Why the hell does he think he gets to dictate who sacrifices everything ?

If HE wants a baby, tell him you'd be willing to 'sacrifice' your body for 10 months to carry the baby, and to go through labour to deliver the baby, but HE must then be willing to sacrifice HIS career/pension/leisure time for a MINIMUM of a year (roughly equal time sacrifice), because you've already sacrificed enough ! After childs 1st birthday, you'd be willing to talk about childcare arrangements going forwards.

Is he prepared to be a SAHD?

Honestly, I would probably want a lot more kids than I have if I could do your typical 'dad' role. The thing about many dads is that they're not the default parent - they drift in and out as they please and 'help' you out by doing the occasional night feed. This is the vision of parenting which a lot of men have - help now and then and take the kids to the park/football at weekends. It's very pleasant but involves ignoring the crushing drudgery and tiredness of actually being responsible for the day-to-day care of another human being which is being endured by the other parent.

Also, if he doesn't pull his weight now, he won't when the baby comes. Laziness and abuse ramp up when women get pregnant/small children enter the equation, it doesn't get better. Because that's when it becomes harder for you to leave and the ties that bind you more complicated.

@HiLee19 echoing what people have said here, id accept that you aren't compatible in life goals and split up. Often I read here of the roles reversed so a man who doesn't want kids but a woman who does. They always say split up.

It's completely fine to not want children. I'm a single parent and I've always done the parenting since my children were toddlers. It's tough going but I wanted my children. Your husband loves you but this is something he really wants so let him go find that. You'll find your happiness too.

Is he happy to be the SAHP?

Highly doubtful since he does f all currently and said to HiLee that he’s happy for her to be the SAHP 🙄

If he wants a child, but isn't going to take on, at the very least, equal hands on responsibility for its care, he may as well just sponsor one. Being a parent is all the things everyone has said, but you only get out of it what you put in.

Being a father was the best thing I've ever done but it really isn't the same as being a mother. Even with the best will in the world the expectations are still very different for mothers. What might seem little things, I could leave work a bit early to pick up the kids from school and be a saint, my DW not so much, combine to make it more pressured.

You don't appear to want children, that's your decision to make not his, he has the choice to accept it or not. If you split up at some point after "giving him a baby", who do you think will be left with a lifetime of responsibility?

You are not being unreasonable to think your life-style will change if you have a baby. Of course, it would change massively. And you can’t change your mind afterwards.
But your life has just changed anyway, as you are no longer on the same page about having a child.

You are absolutely right to question yourself over this dilemma if you aren’t ready. Maybe you will never be ready. Are you asking for more time or are you saying you will never be ready ?

Parenthood is a real challenge. The coming changes should be embraced even if feared a little bit. It’s a leap for faith for anyone to have to swap a perfect life for a bundle of joy that comes with endless lack of sleep and disruption. A new baby deserves and needs to be longed for ….an outpouring of all the love possible from both parents for nine months for the best chance in life.
I hope you can work it out OP.

A work colleague was badgered into having a baby by her dh. Then midway through the pregnancy he left her.
Don’t have a dc you don’t want.

I dont think this issue is about other people and whether they are happier or worse off with kids at all.

Its about the fact you dont seem to want a baby. Which is 100% ok- its your body, your choice.

There is nothing to be gained theorising about how other people live their lives because you will always find people who are tired because parenting is tiring, it doesnt necessarily mean they regret their decision. There are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. I think you need to focus on yourself and what a child means to you. He doesnt get to make that decision alone, its you who will be doing all the work so you need to really examine if its something you want and if not, then tell him and let the cards fall where they may. You cant be pressured into a major decision like this.

He wants this baby? Is he prepared to facilitate that by being the stay at home parent? And will be demonstrate that to you by going part time and taking on responsibility for running the home now, preconception?

If so, maybe consider it in a year or two, once he’s proved he’s up for the graft.

If not, he’s expecting you to change your life and your body to facilitate this whilst his life carries on as normal. And he can bog off on that idea, frankly.

I think you know whether you want children or not as you grow up/get into early adulthood and your decision is impossible to change.
I always wanted children and still found it really hard, it's the hardest thing ever - even when its everything you've ever dreamt of.
I fear it will lead to too much resentment for you, I'm very sorry he's putting you under so much pressure, it's not good.

Is your husband prepared to take a year’s parenting leave and be the baby’s primary carer from birth ? And then carry on afterwards organising wrap around care, be the default parent who leaves work when nursery/school call , do all the appointments and after school activities, give up his job all together if the child is severely disabled?

All I can offer is my experience. We are both high earners, similar to you two and were both completely unbothered by the idea of children. Because of some health issues I had to come off contraception. Several years pass and then one day we have an "ooops". I was terrified when the stick said pregnant. Honestly didn't know what to do. Love my independence and my career etc. Ultimately we both knew we couldn't get rid of a baby we'd created so that was that.

Fast forward a couple of years, and we're both happier than we ever thought possible. That being said, it's ridiculously hard work. We are exhausted constantly, and haven't had time alone together since baby arrived (fingers crossed soon!!). But, because we work together as a team, it's not all on me to take time off if there sickness etc, we do work 50/50 there's no resentment. And that's the only way it will work. If you're an independent person who loves their job, being a SAHP won't work because you'll be resentful.

Happy to chat it through if you want. But at the end of the day it's your body and your life. You don't need any more reason than "I don't want to".

Someone who is demanding that you change your mind about something so profound with no concept (or concern) of the effect on you, is not a person you would want to co-parent with.

You only have kids if you really want them. Otherwise yes, you'll likely end up resentful and miserable

Well, you need to make a decision then don't you. That 'we' was plural BTW. He needs to decide if having a child is of overwhelming importance to him, if it is then ,truthfully, you need to part ways. I don't actually see you both being happy under those circumstances. I'm a lot older than you, I've seen many couples where this happens, if you aren't both absolutely sure either way then one of you is going to be unhappy and the relationship tends to fail. I'm sure others will tell you about their experiences where after initial tears and upset both parties reconcile themselves and live happily ever after with whatever the decision is, I can only tell you about the ones i know.Unfortunately there is no compromise in this. Better to decide now than drag on and be miserable.

Children have made absolutely everything in my life significantly worse.

i thought children were the ‘holy grail’ and it was assumed I’d have them so I did. I regularly tell dd that there are lots of different choices (I don’t say, don’t have kids - it’s shit - but I do say women have expectation on them to have children but she has lots of different options as well). I say it to ds as well but largely men get the better bits without the worry and stress and mental load - and the pregnancy risks.

I wanted my children and believed I would somehow not be complete unless I had them.
I was wrong. If anything happened to them I would want to die, but I simultaneously wish I’d never had them and if I could have my life over I’d stay child-free.

Don’t do it unless you are sure you want to. They take your whole life.

Don't have kids if you don't want them! Especially with someone who doesn't sound like he'd put the work in!

Sounds a bit weird that he 'doesn't mind' you being a SAHM yet there's no mention of the possibility of him being a SAHD even though he's the one that wants the kids?!

LTB

His desire for a child isn’t more important than her desire to not have one. She’s not depriving him of a child either.

He married a child free woman and instead of respecting her for who she is, has now spent years trying to change her mind. On top of that, he leaves her to do everything. Even if she wanted kids he’s not a man she’d be wise to have them with.

I had 2 diagnosed with autism,and 1 missed a diagnosis but has it.
and another ..I know 4 is a lot ,and you probably won’t have 4 ..
so they completely took over my life ,any money I had went on them.
but I didn’t have any family,and now they are settling with partners and getting homes ,it’s like I’ve suddenly got family to visit ,it’s a strange feeling .but nice