A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

fwiw I’m also a childfree woman, and if my husband changed his mind and started wanting children then we would be over. I’d rather live happily single than be unhappily trapped in a life I don’t want.

Not that you even have to remain single, the point is there are worse fates.

Absolutely do not have a baby if you don’t want one. You do not need an excuse.

I totally get what you mean about the great set up. We have have two children; I am done, DH would have a third tomorrow. We have the space, finances and family support to comfortably have a third child but I just Do.Not.Want.To. And that’s that.

You have to wholeheartedly want to be a parent. My children bring so much joy to my life but I’m not going to lie, trips to soft play are dull. Fighting over practicing spellings on a Sunday night is frustrating. Juggling work commitments with sports days etc is a pain in the arse. Do it because you want to, and not for any other reason. If it’s a dealbreaker for your DH I’m afraid you might have to consider that your marriage is over.

Having a child you are not sure if you want but staying with current set up.

Please please don't make another human because you get to keep most of your 'current set up' That's madness.

Absolutely DO NOT have a child you don’t want or even are on the fence about. For having children both people need to be committed 2 feet in!!!

it would be a terrible life for you to have a child you don’t want to have and raise

Op you should consider that babies are not all healthy. Some are early or late, have damage associated to that and /or special needs. You should not have a child unless you are absolutely sure. A healthy full term baby is life changing enough. A premature or sick/special need child is something else all together. It is likely a unreconcilable difference between you but you should both go into the discussion with your eyes wide open including the above.

I think Tangledbaby is exactly right. And I would ask your husband why exactly he wants a baby, when he can't even clean up the house? How can you be expected to rely on him? Ask him if he expects his life to change much? And ask if he would consider being a SAHD.

You might also really love it.
Lots of people become parents by mistake then are happy.
you don’t have to be 100% sure fgs it’s natural to worry a bit.
I’m sure you would be fine.

I've literally never seen or heard of someone saying 'my husband left me to do most of the chores at home before we had kids, but insisted on it being more than 50 50 after we became parents'.

He is happy for you to take on his share of drudge work at the moment. That's a fact. It's also a fact that things like this get magnified when you've had a baby. It's not too bad picking up after another adult when it takes 5 min and you've got a spare few hours every day. It can lead to relationship breakdown when you're picking up for a few hours a day after a child and this could have been your only few spare minutes of the day.

It's obviously up to you whether you want a baby. But if you have a baby with someone that is currently a lazy man child, please be fully aware that you will be parenting alone

You’re sure she would be fine? Based on what? 🥴

She might hate it, especially as she doesn’t even want one.
There are also plenty of people that have children and regret it.

She isn’t worrying a bit, she does not want children and never has. Totally stupid post.

When DH and I got married, we didn’t think we wanted children but recognised we might change our minds, but agreed we wouldn’t do it unless both wanted to. DH changed his mind first but put no pressure on me. And I’d expect the same from any loving husband.

I did then change my mind and we now have two DC. For us, DC accentuate the highs and lows - they’ve brought so much joy but also been hard work and caused us lots of worry. I am absolutely happy we had them, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

It has to be a joint decision but ultimately it’s your body and you can say no. If DH so keen, why isn’t he suggesting he becomes a SAHP? My DSis had a baby and it was agreed her DH would be SAHP for at least a while as it made sense financially and in terms of job satisfaction. DSis wanted a second but BIL didn’t and as he would have been SAHP he had a veto even more than if he hadn’t been so they agreed to stop at one. Surely any significant joint purchase would be agreed between you and how much more important is having a DC?!

If you don't want a child then walk away now. There's no compromise on this. Yes you will resent him if you don't want kids. You don't sound undecided you sound firmly like you do not want them.

First response has it.

You don't need a reason. You said you didn't want it from the start.

Just going to add a slightly more positive perspective in that mine and DH's relationship was great when we decided to have kids and now we have them, it's even better! In every way.

Our lives are different now, and parenting is really hard sometimes, but life isn't worse!

Also, sounds like you both earn enough that you could get really great childcare in place! You've even got space for an au pair if you have a big house.

If you really don't want a baby then don't have one obviously, but don't get hung up only on the negatives. You're in a fortunate position and you could do things your own way!

Wtf, why are you trying to convince the OP to have a baby it’s glaringly obvious she doesn’t want?

The OP is not being negative, she just does not want a baby! Why is that so difficult for some people to understand?

Unfortunately there is no compromise when it comes to children.

If he really wants them then he has no other option but to leave and find someone who does.

OP, you're right.

I have 2 kids, both very much planned and wanted by DH and I. Love them to bits, no regrets, would make the same choice again in a heartbeat.

But it's the hardest thing I've ever done, we are both shattered all the time, every day like a hamster wheel then you think "I'll feel better after a good night's sleep" but one has a bad dream or is puking or wets the bed and at 5:30 they're up and ready for the day and you have to go again...

For years!! :)

Seriously, when you both REALLY want kids they are still the hardest thing EVER.

If you don't want them, let him bully you into it, then your marriage will be over anyway because you'll hate him for what he's done.

In your shoes I'd get some couple's therapy to work through this but if he doesn't back off then you need to get serious about ending it. He's a bully and not the man you thought he was.

Separately if your DH is a high earner and you are on 65K why in god's name do you only have a cleaner 2x month? Weekly as a minimum surely

“It may be different if he was saying that HE would be happy to be a SAHD or even go part time and basically say he wants the experience of daily child rearing. The ups and the downs”

^ This.
You don’t want children, which is basically end of story. If you are to compromise even a tiny bit, it could be that he agrees to do lion’s share of the parenting.
However, you’ve no way to hold him to this, so on balance I’d say that he needs to make his mind up about whether he is going or staying. I’m sorry OP xxx

Basically OP you have to talk and talk and talk to each other, figure out what you both want, and sadly this may result in you splitting, depending on how much he does want a child and how much you don’t.

If you stay together then whatever you do, one of you could end up unhappy and resentful. Only you and your DH know how strongly you each feel.

It's not hard to understand that someone might not want children.

But I don't think her post comes across that she is dead set against a baby, just that she is worried about how life will change if she did.

I also don't think she is being negative, but she is seeing her friends negative experiences and worried they might become her own.

Maybe I misinterpreted the whole post!

I just wanted to reassure her, if she is on the fence, that having a baby doesn't always negatively effect your relationship and it's possible to find a set up that works for you if you have the means.

That isn’t fair. He was always “undecided”, he never said he definitely didn’t want kids. And they were teenagers when they met, which kind of invalidates early discussions.

What is it that truly holds you back? Is it the idea of a child itself (and their dependency, you change in life, etc.), or is it the fear that a current lopsided situation in house responsibilities and your general relationship will worsen?

When it is the first, you should look critically at your feelings and ideas about parenthood and children, to see if they hold stock. If they do, then parenting is not for you.

If it is more the second, before taking a decision, I would at least have a conversation with DH asking him how he imagines the task division to be, and how you fear that a lopsided situation would get significantly worse after the arrival of a child, and will lead to resentment.

He was happy to marry OP on the basis she didn’t want kids though. It doesn’ seem that she has ever held out any prospect t that she might change her mind one day.