A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

You have always been open about not having children. He then decides he wants kids and starts pressurising you. You already do most of the housework, he doesn't mind you being an SAHM (what about him becoming an SAHD? Or is he happy for you to throw your career to the dogs?).

I'd be concerned that he's not taking your thoughts or feelings into account at all. The fact that he is already not pulling his weight with housework would worry me. I'm betting he'd expect the housework, childcare and mental load to fall on to you, if you were to have have a baby, whilst he just carries on as he is now.

FWIW, I have two DC, they're amazing and I love them beyond measure. I wouldn't change them for the world....but it is hard work, relentless and thankless at times. I'm a single parent (and ex didn't pull his weight - so that made things harder when I was with him as the resentment was very much there!). Life is easier now I am single, but even so, it can still be very hard work at times (you never stop worrying about them, no matter what their age is). I work FT (always have done), and there's always juggling to do etc. Don't even consider having a baby just to please your husband.

I think in your shoes ,op
id be worried about ending up a single mum to a child I didn’t want .
I can see you agreeing to keep him
then feeling resentment that your life changes beyond recognition,yet his stays the same ..and that causes a split .
I wanted children,but I still felt resentment that dh life stayed the same and mine changed massively

I was ambivalent, Dh really wanted one and I love DH dearly. DH is a responsible sort so I thought ok why not, he’s a higher earner too, we are very comfortable so no financial barrier. He hasn’t let me down on the hands on front but I really struggled to adjust even with a very regular cleaner and Dh suggested a nanny as well but I declined that. DH has definitely done everything he can to make it easier for me but I would still say I maybe made the wrong choice for me. I love my DD dearly and if someone offered me the choice to go back in time and undo it I absolutely wouldn’t. But I would say my own happiness has gone down since having a baby.

In the case of someone who basically does fuck all in their own home I would say draw a line under this and move on. If you definitely don’t want a baby then you definitely do not want to be a primary carer and you will probably find that your Dh is the sort of man who’s life doesn’t change but yours does - a lot.

Echoing what everyone else has said. Children are a blessing but they're also the hardest job. What gets me through the seemingly endless sleepless nights and more difficult days is that our children are very much wanted and we made the conscious choice together to have them.

Life changes with a family. Not necessarily negatively but it does look different. It sounds like you've been honest from the start about this not been a priority or choice for you, and that's ok. Equally it's ok for him to have changed his mind and decide that actually he would like one. People's views can shift as they get older - I never wanted any, we now have 4!

It doesn't need to be an argument but it does need to be a discussion. You both need to come at this conversation from a point of respect for each others feelings on this. Neither of you are 'wrong' for wanting/not wanting a baby but if this a deal breaker for him then perhaps it's time to have some space so you can both look at what you want. Perhaps a 5yr plan - what do both of you see your life looking like in 5yrs? If his includes a baby and yours doesn't it's probably kinder for you both to give each other the opportunity to have that life regardless of how much it may hurt now because you love him.

Don’t have a baby.

your H wants one but it’s clear it’s your life that will completely change. You already do the bill at home, he sounds highly unlikely to take shared parental leave and is already mooting you being a SAHM.
you’ll find yourself in 3 years time being the default parent, most likely working part time and doing everything while he works and does exactly the same as he does now.

if he really wants a baby, let him go. Don’t end up resenting everything because you were bullied into it.

I really thought I wanted children. But I think I was being driven by FOMO as well as social expectation and feeling in a rut and wanting to change my life in some way. (This might be what’s driving your DH too.) We had fertility issues and of course the possibility of not being able to have something makes you want it more. Neither of us wanted to pursue other options like donor gametes or adoption so that was that. And life has turned out to be really good for us. OP don’t listen to the siren voices saying “ but if you try it you’ll probably love it”.. If you don’t want a baby you don’t want a baby.

I was 35 when I decided to try to have a baby. The decision was mostly made out of fear I would change my mind and then be too old to get pregnant (I worked in an IVF clinic and saw many patients who left it to the last minute). I never fancied having kids and was very much undecided when I went for it. I had no maternal longing and found other people’s kids awkward (or sometimes plain annoying 😂) Hubby and I had been together for 16 years, married for 10 years at that point. He was on the fence too.

Yes, it’s a life-changing experience and the first 2 years are an adjustment but it was the best thing we ever did. We are a happy little family of 3. My son is 8yo now and he is just the most amazing little boy. Having one kid is super easy and they fit right into your lifestyle.

I find since I had a kid I can relate to them much better and I have more empathy in general. It definitely made me a softer, more patient person. Not that I was a cold-hearted biatch before but it changed me. 😆

Especially as you say your DH is not at all hands on with cooking and cleaning, I’d say don’t have a child if you don’t want one. Even though he’s the one who wants one, I can almost guarantee you’ll be the one doing everything for that child.

Having a child is amazing, but also very hard work and restricting. I was certain I wanted children, but I still miss being able to do child-free things such as dive trips with all my child-free friends!

I don't think your DH is in the wrong here. He's not "pressuring you" by "threatening divorce", he's putting his cards on the table and saying this has become an important enough issue for him and he's not prepared to give up the possibility of children. This is the most natural thing in the world.

I think some posters are projecting here a bit based on his SAHM offer. If you guys never wanted kids, you're only just beginning the conversation on what that would look like. Maybe he thought he was being generous to offer this? Unless you say a flat out no, he's just putting out options on the table.

What you want to do is figure out, is there a version of your life with kids in it, that would make you happy (and minimise unhappiness), and if so, what do you need to believe to believe that that version can come true?

This could include discussion on careers, nannies, family being around, being in a bigger house, paid cleaners/PA support, only having one, having a circle of happier mum friends, DH cleaning more, etc.

It could be worthwhile thinking through each of your friends who've become unhappy and examining that. Are they actually unhappy? What about their situations are undesirable?

I believe that you owe it to your DH and the 14 years you've dedicated to each other, to explore seriously the possibility and discuss it with him. Don't take his opening offers at face value, assume everything is up for negotiation. If you can't come to agreement, no hard feelings. But don't throw it away based on teenage promises made to each other.

It’s wild how his shitty behavior towards her is getting ignored, and that she’s being encouraged to consider giving in for the sake of her husband/marriage. There’s no expectation that he should be the one to give in for the sake of his wife though.

I read about someone in this situation yesterday, funnily enough. The poster had a child she didn’t want because her husband did, but when the marriage quickly broke down afterwards he wasn’t willing to take on sole custody (or even share it 50/50). She’s now giving the child up for adoption as having the child didn’t in fact make her want the child.

This ^ People are too scared to say it but it's felt way more than you'd think. I also tell mine there are plenty of other choices. Eldest DC is going to ignore me, as is their right, younger DC currently agrees and doesn't want them - wants a nice life instead. Good on them, especially considering the state of the world.

I adore my children (now grown up) and no idea how people get over being without them once they've had them. I really, really wanted children - never considered life without having them.
But. If I could have a different life all over again I wouldn't have children. I have a number of childless friends and they are without exception happier, richer, have nicer homes, are in better careers and have more fulfilling and exciting lives. You sacrifice so much for children, no matter how much you think you won't. And you sacrifice it for many, many years, possibly for always. Don't do it, especially when your husband isn't going to step up. You can find another man if you want to and have an equally nice life. Once you have a child you can never go back.

“I don't think your DH is in the wrong here. He's not "pressuring you" by "threatening divorce", he's putting his cards on the table and saying this has become an important enough issue for him and he's not prepared to give up the possibility of children. This is the most natural thing in the world.”

How is he not in the wrong? He’s known all along that she’s childfree, yet has completely failed to respect that and has pestered her about having one. Why is it on her to consider something he’s known all along she doesn’t want? Why does she owe it to him to give him a child, yet he doesn’t owe it to her to not have one? Or to even extend to her basic respect?

As natural as it is for someone to want a child, it’s also natural for others to not want one. His desire isn’t more important than hers.

I have 2 kids and am very grateful for them. But they have a massive effect on mine and OH‘s relationship.
don’t have children unless you want them!

on another note though I have friends where he wanted children and she didn’t. They settled on one.
she got a day to herself in the week from a few months on. And he knew ( husband) he had to pull his weight and did. for the most of it. Child was looked after by other people a lot. But he is a teenager now and seems well balanced.

so I guess unless your husband steps up to the plate and makes a serious commitment in regards of child rearing/ care you shouldn’t do it!

ps…..my friend is now really happy about their child and about going for it…..

As a general rule- having kids to save a relationship is always rightly advised against and not something that should be done.

So why are some posters suggesting that’s what OP does to save her marriage?

She’s been clear about her choice to not have children. He was undecided but “fine either way” and has since decided he wants kids. He’s not wrong for that but she’s not depriving him of anything.

Yes he’s laying his cards on the table and it may well be that they do have to split if an agreement can’t be reached. However, there is an element of coercion in his words. “Give me s kid or else!”

That’s not a healthy way to discuss such a massive life decision. It’s very easy for men to decide they want kids out of the blue. They know they don’t have to take on the grunt work and they can be the Disney dads and get praised as fathers of the year for doing the bare minimum. No wonder men want children when they can palm all the shit stuff off onto their wives or partners.

I’ve seen countless stories of women caving on the kid issue because their husbands want one and they want to save their marriage- they often end up as single parents.

having kids is hard. It’s constant and it never ends. If you want them all of that is worth it. If you don’t, well, it’s not.

Absolutely agree. ‘Get a nanny get a cleaner’ is not a substitute for a loving mother who wants you.

this is the sort of mental shit which will come out in adult life in the poor baby when she/he realises the effects of being unwanted by primary carer

Don't have one if you don't want it and, more importantly, is not prepared to bring it up on your own. Please remember - as it happened countless times before - after pestering you for a kid, you husband can one day turn and say - sorry, family life is not for me, I realised I actually don't want kids. And then flounce off with someone childless and young. leaving you with less income, less time and a kid. Which is fine if you wanted a child, bringing up a loved and desired kid is a blessing even if its hard work. But it would not be like this if you never wanted a child in the first place and you would have sacrificed a lot.

On the other hand, he might find someone who will have a kid for him... especially if he is wealthy. But, to me, this is a better scenario than bringing an unwanted child into the world.

She doesn’t want children, why on earth does she owe it to her DH to try and find some kind of imaginary scenario where she might be able to tolerate a child just because he changed his mind? Women aren’t breeding machines, and shouldn’t be guilted into behaving like one just because a man demands it.

Double down on your contraception asap while you think this over.

This feels like a catch 22 situation. Can you borrow friends/family very young children for an overnight stay so you can both get a glimpse of what it is like?

If you have a very active social life then I'm sorry to say that it doesn't matter what your intentions are, it would dramatically change. This is tolerable if you both go into it wanting children but otherwise I can't see how you wouldn't resent him.

If you are adamant no and he is adamant yes it might make you both dig your heels in more and drive you further apart. I think a compromise (on both sides) in terms of considering this life changing commitment might bring you closer to a resolution.

This is one of the worse positions to be in because it's impossible to ascertain how you'd feel in the future either way, nor what father your husband would be.

It could go either way. I have known mums who really didn't want kids and who fell pregnant either by accident or who relented and became the most motherly women I know. Who couldn't imagine life without their child and who found it all totally natural.

Other mums though found it very hard. Some at first and then embraced it, others later on.

All in all though, however life changing a child is, however difficult it can be, and even with feelings of regrets at time, I think there are more women who would choose not to change their situation as mum then those who would give anything to go back and never had their child.

Did ChatGPT write this?

If you don't want a baby, you shouldn't have one.

He is trying to pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do. That means he isn't your lovely dh/partner/whatever. He's an abuser, in your own home.

Let him go, to get whatever children he likes. Maybe that's what he wants - to go - and he knows this is the way to get it whilst making you look the bad guy.

You're in a great position to go it alone. Accept that whoever he was, he's changed and become someone you can't live with. Move on.

My husband didn't want children. I didn't either, when we got married. Then I did. It was a deal-breaker for me in the end, so I said I would end our marriage because I needed someone who wanted children. He decided he'd rather have me and children than no me and no children. He did not regret the children for a single second. OP's husband is entitled to change his mind. OP is also entitled to hold firm if that's what she really wants. I wonder, though, how many people come to regret not having children when they're older.

OP,

Experience on MN will tell you that men who do nothing to share the load before children do even less when they have them.

There is no way I would have a child with a lazy selfish man.

Because that is who he is.

He leaves it to you.

Parenting is hard work and he would happily eave the hard slog to you.

Him threatening you is very ugly, but you do see the real person when youbsay No.

Have you said no often in your relationship?

If not, then he is showing you the real him.

In your shoes I would absolutely not haveca child in these circumstances.

Having a child is an idea for him.

But the reality will be of impact on your life first and foremost.

You who carries the house.
You who wants to work full-time.

It will all be on you to juggle this change.

The change would be so huge, it is hard to put into words.

So to do that and not absolutely want it is mad and too big a chance to take.

So many marriages fall about when lazy men refuse to be involved when a baby arrives.

The women cannot stand their lazy selfishness which they see very clearly for the first time.

What happens then?

Well inevitably when the marriage falls apart, it will be YOU left to do the primary parenting.

He certainly won't do it.

This is not a puppy that you can rehome.

Also you have no guarantee a baby will be perfectly healthy.

Lazy men leave children with special needs to their mothers to do the slog.

Whose job would be sacrificed? Yours 100%.

Men like him keep troting out that theirs is the "big job" that needs protecting.

Better to divorce than to be the one who sacrifices their life and gives up everything for a baby they were not sure of.

Remember he will be sacrificing NOTHING and can walk away any time he wants.

So many men do and it is 100% on the women to juggle.

No way would I do this for a man like him.

If you read my post and your takeaway was that "OP should just give in" then I don't know what to say.

Being clear that you don't want a child when you're a teenager is basically meaningless. DH is not being unreasonable to change his mind, he's not being unreasonable to ask OP if maybe she's had second thoughts as well and he's not being unreasonable to be clear that he's not willing to compromise on this.

He may be willing to compromise on the setup, especially if he loves OP and children are important to him. OP will never know what he is willing to compromise on in terms of setup if she doesn't have the conversation with him. OP would not be unreasonable to still decide against kids but I find it odd that there is such a huge groundswell of "omg your DH is a bastard" when half the couples I know went through this exact same process, one person slowly coming around to the idea faster than another.