A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

If he doesn't respect your wish to remain childless then your marriage isn't as happy as you think. Do NOT be pushed into having a child, they are extremely hard work when you really want one and you're right you will probably end up resenting him for making you choose something you're not full committed to. Sit down and try to rationally talk about it, but if he's adamant he wants kids and you're not 100% sure, there's really no future for the relationship

She was also happy to marry him knowing he was undecided and might want kids in the future. Both were honest, neither discussed the issue here, both are at fault.

She said she didn’t foresee it, and didn’t long for it. She didn’t say that she 100% didn’t ever want kids. They both went into the marriage knowing that this subject hadn’t been set in stone, so essentially either one of them could have changed their mind. No one is to blame for this.

I actually did misread the OP 🙃

I thought she said she was open to not having children, but she was saying she was open about not wanting children.

Although he’s the higher earner, if he really wants a baby so much- would he consider becoming the stay at home parent?

Why would you give up your career Ace compromise by having a child aswell. That seems like he has his cake and wants to eat it too.

Woow I did not expect this type of support from everyone! I thought I’ll get mostly - you don’t know what you’re missing out, children are such a blessing bla blaa blaa
Thank you all, I’m away on the work trip this week and considering to extend it for a day, so I can get some time off just to re-evaluate how to move forward with this. I feel like I’ll need to make some bold decisions unfortunately!
I do agree that children are hard work and I’m just not ready give to everything up at the moment.

How old are you both OP?

My Exh changed his mind about DC after we were married and after I considered it we had DC. Unfortunately he didn't really want to be a parent with all that it involved. Everything was left to me. After I had enough and ended it he deprioritised them completely, not paying maintenance, letting them down and now barely ever sees them.

Hopefully your DH would step up and be an equal and active parent whether together or not but worth considering whether you would be happy with doing the lions share as a single parent if required.

I love my DC but definitely didn't go into it planning on raising them single-handed.

Been together 14 years, met late teens, I'd say nearer 35 than 30 roughly. Maybe he imagines he hears her bio clock ticking, even if she doesn't think of things that way. Dear OP, PLEASE don't have a baby just to please him.

If you don't want a baby - don't have one.

My mother wanted a baby - because it was 'a nice idea', she didn't realise children would be their own people.. my childhood was awful. Our relationship is now estranged.

If your OH can't be bothered to do at least 50% of the housework now - the increase in having a child will fall to you

Yes, You can get a cleaner and a nanny - but you will always have guilt - that you are not doing it right (either your job - or your child) .. the only way not to have guilt (IMO) is that you are detached.. (The child will know)

Physically having a baby changes you forever - your lady parts won't be the same again (even if you do have a CS).

I love being a mum - but there are challenges to it.

Holidays and busy social lives will be compromised massively by children, so they are excuses to stay child free not vice versa. Kids create so much hard work and drudgery, for years - you are signing up to be an unpaid cleaner, laundrette, housekeeper, chauffeur and mental regulator of two human beings for years and years. They also put massive pressure on even the happiest relationships, usually because of the resentment that results from babycare/housework/mental load/sleep deprivation not being fairly shared out. If you're not 100% sure your husband will do his fair share AND you're not 100% sure you want children then I don't think it's at all true that you have the perfect set up.

Of course there are good things too! I just had the most joyful day with my two kids and there are often beautiful moments. But the hard stuff is so much more than I imagined.

Good luck, it's so hard deciding something like this.

Children are something you need to want. There isn't really a compromise. Especially not with a hands-off partner. It would be you who makes most of the sacrifices and you who will feel the most resentment at the change.

You were smart to keep your financial independence.

You are in control of your own contraception. You may try to get pregnant but not get pregnant iyswim

most cleaning and cooking is on me

First of all, why are you putting up with this? Secondly, why on earth would you consider having a baby with a man who treats you like a domestic servant? I'd fucking divorce him.

You don't want a baby. First, I would make sure I was on a method of contraception that would give you the least chance of accidents. If you were to have an accidental pregnancy, you can bet that your dh would browbeat you into keeping it. Then you need to sit down with him & discuss your future, if he really can't live without children, then I'm afraid you need to let him go & find someone who wants the same as him.

You don't need an excuse to not have a child or why you don't want one. Simply not wanting one is enough.

It's easy for men to change their minds/suddenly decide that they want children. Why? Because it's not their bodies and health that will be sacrificed to pregnancy. It's yours.

It's not their lives that will be upended. It's yours and he knows it. He's setting you up for that now. Many men have children just for the title, but when it comes to the hard graft-that's on you.

That's all well and good (it's not) if you really want a child, but if you don't? Think about that. Will you be happy to be stuck at home, raising a child you didn't want whilst he swans in and out at his heart's desire?

I've just seen a post on Reddit about a woman who never wanted children. Her husband convinced her to have one so to keep him she did. She now has a DD of 1 year old.

Her husband left her when she was 8 months old to be with his new girlfriend. He now wants nothing to do with her or their baby and has said to her that he wants a "clean, new slate" and she's left holding the baby she never wanted in the first place.

My point is-that many women cave to men's apparent desire to have a child when they're lukewarm or against it themselves-to save the relationship-and the relationship fails anyway. Except instead of it being an amicable parting of ways-one is left carrying a baby they didn't want.

That's why I always say never have a child for someone else. You have to want it and be prepared to take 100% of the burden in case the worst happens.

Hey OP my husband and I had a very similar dynamic, met at 19 and grew up together, married at 30 lived the "DINKy" Lifestyle but before we got married we did have a conversation about kids and decided it might be on the cards. It was another 5 years before we properly considered it and decided we were ready.

Now we have a 3 year old and we're both 40 it is hard but we were both 100% ready, I can't imagine how difficult it would be if either of us were emotionally blackmailed into having a child and weren't enthusiastic. It will also make you very vulnerable to PND, babies and toddlers are hard work and your social life will change irreparably (we were prepared for that). Your life will be so different so if you decide to "give him a child" to save your marriage, it will not be the same marriage you had before. Children change everything, personally the good outweighs the bad for us, but some might find it stifling or feel very trapped.

He's not wrong to change his mind, people change so much from their teens (neither my husband or I wanted kids when we were teens) Only have a child if you want one, but don't have one to save your relationship because it might doom it and then you might be stuck being a single parent co-parenting. He also shouldn't be arguing with you over it, this requires a respectful discussion with no hard feelings, I'm so sorry if it might mean the end of your marriage though. :( xx

A friend of mine didn't want kids but hee boyfriend after years together suddenly decided he did want a kid. Friend didn't want to lose him so had a baby. She failed to bond with baby and now her and boyfriend have split (she said she didn't get enough attention from him). Ex boyfriend and their parents do all the baby raising
I don't recommend having a baby if you don't want it.

Definitely don’t have a child. This isn’t about you or your dh. It’s about the baby you bring into the world, into a less than ideal environment, because you will absolutely resent both your dh and baby for it. Raising children is hard enough if you really want them, so would be doubly hard if you didn’t want one anyway.

if you want a baby with him make it clear a full time nanny costs xx. He is high earner so you do not need to be the one doing all domestic chores.
cleaner or housekeeper 2 or 3 x a week will be xxx.
This will come out of joint income. Not yours.
Do not give up your job or independence.
Not sure why you only have s cleaner 2x a month. Increase for your large house.

If you don’t want a kid dont have one because honestly it’s the hardest life changing event even when it’s all you have ever wanted so to not really want it and to have one would make it 100 times harder.
it does get easier but me and partner were together for 15 years before kids so the change on our lives was massive when she came along. She is amazing along with our youngest son but it really does change everything.
I think the whole wanting kids things on relationships is a non negotiable if one of you wants a kid and the other doesn’t then it will become a massive issue.

This. It’s not compulsory. I have a child, born when I was 40, but could easily have continued happily childfree.

Would you potentially like to have a child?

It always amazes me the amount of people who post on threads like this who have children and say don't have one!

How will you feel if you get to 45 and don't have children?

If you really don't want any, then that's fine, game over.

Just remember your amazing life will not stay the same forever anyway- health, age etc.

If you do have children, things will be tough. But also wonderful...

You cannot blame your oh for wanting them.

You can't bring a child into the world in the current circumstances.

You don't want one and your DH doesn't sound like he'll be up for the work involved in raising them day to day.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children - but if that is the case, then stick to your guns and don't have one.

I’d say to him I hear you saying you want a child but aren’t prepared to do any of the work. Why would I sign up for that??

if I were open to the idea, and he picked up his cooking and cleaning to be at half the household load I would reconsider after several months of a Dh who contributed to the house. My dh cooked every night for months when our first was born. He would also have to commit to doing either the childcare drop off or pick up daily once I was back at work. If he isn’t planning to parent, he wouldn’t be getting any baby.