A Baby..is this the beginning of the end?

[HiLee19]

Basically been together with my DH for 14 years, 4 years married.
Before marriage I was always open that I don’t foresee myself having kids, it’s just not something I ever longed for. My husband was undecided at that point but didn’t mind. So in the recent year he has started pestering me about having a baby, yesterday we got into a heated argument about it and he threatened to divorce if we are not gonna try to a baby. The issue is I have no excuse NOT to have a kid. We have a great set-up; a huge house, cars holidays, very busy social life both, DH is a high earner, my income is 65k and with a potential promotion could significantly increase. He is happy for me to be a SAHM but it’s not something I would consider, as I like my financial independence but the option is there if I want it.
Also we have the best relationship, we barely ever argue that why I’m a bit shaken by the argument we had last night. We have everything to give the best life to a child but my biggest worry is that this all will end once we have a child. We have some friends who have kids and who are child free by choice, somehow the ones with kids their happiness have dramatically decline since having babies.
AIBU to think that my life will become miserable once we have a kid? I’m worried that I will start to resent DH, he is not very hands on with household, we have a clearer that comes 2x a month but the most cleaning and cooking is on me. Also at the moment I’m feeling like I’m getting pushed into having a kid but I don’t want to lose my DH. We met when we were in late teens I feel like we have matured and grown up together while building this amazing life together. I love my husband and would even consider to give him a child but I’m worried that will resent him and a baby. So basically is this the beginning of the end of this beautiful life we have built together. Unfortunately I don’t see any way out of it to please both sides. Any advice?

@HiLee19 I think you need to accept your life is going to change. Your DH has decided he wants kids. He's already bought up divorce. It may be now, it may be in 5-10 years time, but I'd say its extremely likely he will go. Kids or no kids is a deal breaker, it's too big of a decision for compromise.

But you don't want kids so you shouldn't have them. Parenting is hard work when both parents want to do it. You don't want to be a parent, and your DH also already leaves all house tasks etc to you, it will be the same with a baby.

You need time to work out what you want, and you have to accept that decision may be to have kids or split. It's also perfectly acceptable to point out to him that it's unfair he is pushing it when he wouldn't pull his weight 50/50, and it's all well and good saying you could be a SAHM, but thats no good when that isn't what you want! The fact he's offering tells you he'd prefer to be the kind of dad that leaves absolutely all of it to you while his life doesn't change one bit. He wants the picture of his family to show work without any effort, it would all be you. Hell, you could even make it a factor you'd want a full time live in nanny or whatever but personally I couldn't do that.

Most people who have children know that it's not something you should enter into lightly and all the potential complications and challenges are not worth it unless it's something you really want to do.

Especially so in this case since it seems the OP's DH would not be doing the lion's share of raising the child, let alone being the one carrying the pregnancy.

I've so many thoughts on this:

1. "Threatened to divorce if we are not going to try for a baby". Yeah, let's threaten and coerce your wife, that'll make her want a baby - not.
2. I would bet money, that he'll want you as a SAHM, doing all housework, all parenting, full mental load and life admin, while he goes out to his all important big man job.
3. Could he be jealous of your career and earnings for when you get this promotion? A lot of men are uncomfortable with their wives being high earners. I went through this with my first husband.
4. If you did decide to "give him a baby", you could get a live in nanny and a full-time housekeeper and try to keep your career. Not sure what you do to see if it's feasible, but I'd also bet you'd still have to juggle the parenting and mental load/life admin all yourself as he's got his important big man job, and you're a woman, so really it's your job to be mum even if you have a high earning career...
5. Your life COMPLETELY changes when you have a child, I'm saying this from a woman's point of view, it doesn't change as much for a man.
6. I really wanted a baby and was prepared to give up my career and be a SAHM despite being a high earner, but it was what I wanted. I would not have been comfortable being threatened and coerced into giving my husband a baby that I had no desire for.
7. You could sit him down and talk through the practicalities of life being parents, to see exactly where his views lay with this...however, be prepared for this to totally change. My first husband agreed prior to marriage, in fact prior to becoming engaged that when we were to start a family, we'd move to my home country so that I was near to my parents and that I'd be a SAHM. As soon as we married and I started looking at houses in my home country, he completely changed his tune, said he's not leaving England and that I was not allowed to be a SAHM. I earned more than him, which he hated and said "I'm not paying for you to sit at home, you'll have to go back to work". Urghhh, he was a cunt, I left him and didn't have children with him thank fuck.
8. I did however, have children with my next husband who didn't mind if we had children or not, I really wanted children, we've had two and he's a fantastic Dad. But that's different, because neither of us didn't want children.
9. You're in such a difficult situation, but I would always say never have a baby by being forced. You're a high earner, so if he leaves you, you'll be just fine on your own!

Please, please, please tell me that you do not rely on condoms for contraception. If you are planning on having sex with this man ever again you must be certain that you are in control of it.

I've seen threads on here the other way round where the woman wanted children and not the man. The overwhelming response was to leave him because you don't want to live with the regret of not having them. I guess that would be the advice to the ops husband. To leave and find someone who'll start a family with him.
On the one hand, no one, man or woman, should be guilted into having children they don't want. But equally no one should be deprived of children if that's what's important to them.

If HE wants a child so badly, why isn't your DH offering to sacrifice his career to stay at home and raise them (whilst also taking care of the housework which he currently leaves to you)?

He needs to prove he's capable of pitching in as a parent and at the moment he doesn't even do his share of household tasks, so that looks unlikely.

For a woman, having a baby changes everything. It changes your body, your mind, your sleeping patterns, your working life, your home life, your finances etc etc. In contrast, some men simply carry on as they did prior to parenthood. Obviously the physical changes don't affect them and quite often none of the other stuff really does either.

If you don't REALLY want all those things to change for you, then you shouldn't be considering parenthood.

To answer the question - I don't think you'd be miserable having a child tbh. Do your friends who have become less happy since having children, have the same access to money you and your partner have? Or are they less happy because they are very tired or overworked and everything is a struggle? If so, you could literally side step all of these issues by having nannies, cleaners to come in every day etc. Presumably if you can afford to stop doing your £65k job, you could afford £65k worth of help around the house / holiday clubs if you stayed at work. And the good parts of child rearing bring an awful lot of happiness, and many people who had unexpected children are amazed by how much richness and joy they bring to your life.

THAT SAID, although I doubt having children will make you miserable, that's no reason to have them if you flat out don't want them. You'll have to be honest with yourself about what you actually WANT from life, aside from just not having everything be terrible. That's a pretty low bar.

You have the best reason in the world to not have a child. YOU DO NOT WANT ONE! I was bullied into having two, and made a right mess of most of it. They have done well in life, and are people to be proud of, but no real thanks to me. I did not, and do not, have the temperament for motherhood. Thankfully, now that they are adults, we get along very well, indeed, but it took a long while to build that relationship. Grudging motherhood is NOT what you want for a child, nor is it what your DH should want.

But this may be a make-it-or-break-it issue. Do you feel strongly enough about this to end the relationship? As it stands now, no matter what you do, one of you is going to be very resentful, and that can poison every part of that relationship. It is no more fair to not allow him to be a father than it would be to force you to be a mother. And there is no in between on this one. I do not envy you one bit.

I'm wishing the both of you the very best of luck, from my deepest heart.

If you have never wanted children you are completely within your rights and probably shouldn’t do it just to please someone else even if you love them.

I’d be tempted to tell DH that you will only agree to have a baby if HE agrees to be a SAHD just to see his reaction. Then you will know if this is genuine or just some keeping up with the Jones thing where he expects you to fall in line with all the child care responsibilities.

My SiL didn't want children she told BiL before they married and he agreed. After 9 years of happy marriage with loads of holidays and a lovely house BiL started saying he wanted a child. He got more insistent as his friends were all having second or third babies by then. SiL told him if I'm no longer enough for you we need to go separate ways. They divorced. BiL remarried and had 2 DC and SiL went into a new relationship and still has no children. Both seem happy. You can't have a child to keep DH happy. It would not be fair to you or the child who would have a Mum who didn't really want to be a Mum. Being a Mum is such hard work unless it's something you want don't do it because it doesn't sound as if your DH will be the one up every night with baby.

Some things in life you can compromise on other things not. You can't have half a baby. Unless you want it you will resent it.

I agree that you don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want one, and you shouldn’t be pressured.

That being said, I had no idea what I was doing when we decided to TTC. I didn’t particularly want a baby but was afraid of missing out /regret. It was very hard but hands down the best thing we’ve ever done. When DD1 was born, DH said, “We could have had her 5 years ago!” We ended up having 3 — DH says his only regret was not having #4 — but I was 41 when I had DD3.

I’m not trying to persuade you, just trying to share my perspective. Maybe give it a think. Lots of people think they don’t want a baby and change their minds, and it would be a shame to abandon a happy marriage.

I haven't read the full thread.
It doesn't really matter what anyone else's experience is. If you don't want them, that's all that matters.

I adore my kids and I feel like my life started when I had them. They're the best company, I love being with them. That's just my experience.

I really feel for you. Its not something to compromise on. You either want or you don't. Mind yourself 💗

Don't assume all lose there happiness after children. For me and hubby we became even stronger and closer and are an even better fun team than we were. Dont be bullied into having a child there's already so many unwanted ones out there. It's not love he has for you trying to make you want a baby. The plus side if you decide to have one it sounds like you could afford all the luxury cleaner,babysitters,nanny etc maybe

You don't sound maternal, so maybe you haven't yet had the hormonal calling to have kids - mine happened when I was 33yo. Up to that point I didn't want kids at all.

The best thing about having your own child versus a bephew/niece is you don't give them back at the end of a visit!

My own exp of work and kids (I didn't want to be a SAHM) was great. I was on my second bout of maternity leave when I was promoted.

Can you get access to one of those dolls thats like a baby crying etc so you can both see what it'd be like? Kids def change your life but not for the worst as far as I'm concerned.

If you don't want a baby, you don't need to justify yourself. Simply put, you don't want a baby and that is perfectly fine. You need to have a conversation with your husband though, obviously his dreams aren't matching yours anymore and you don't want resentment seeping into and ultimately ending your relationship.

Also; I never envisioned myself having kids but here I am at 3am having a snuggle with my 6month old daughter. Don't get me wrong, it's hard and I have really struggled. But honestly I can't imagine my life without her, she genuinely has filled a hole in my heart that I didn't know needed filling. She's definitely brightened my life.

But thats just me. You might not want that and again that's perfectly okay. Don't put pressure* *on yourself to have a child to make your husband happy or save your relationship if you don't want a child. Have a good, hard think about what you want in life and see what you come up with.

He's being awful by pressuring you to have a baby you don't want. I 100% wanted my son and would never want to be without him but parenting is HARD and sometimes very boring and really not for anyone who doesn't want to do it with their whole heart.
Do you tell him you fear that having a baby would break you up? Do you tell him his lack of participation in family responsibilities is one of the reasons you wouldn't want to risk having a child with him? If I were him and heard that I'd be ashamed of myself.

I'm amazed you think your life is so amazing and are so happy considering you have a lazy husband who lets you shoulder all household responsibilities. That sounds shit.
Sounds like the only reason you don't argue is because you keep quiet.

No one male or female should be pressured to have a child, and yes it works both ways

Just say no. If it’s important to your husband he can find someone who wants a family like he does. Then you both will be happy.

Most people with kids are absolutely not less happy, a handful of people you know is not the majority of parents.

A baby is the beginning of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. The cliche that you don’t know what you’re missing, or you don’t miss what you don’t have or never had, is true I guess.

Having children is one of the greatest things in life. But hey, don’t have any, do exactly what you want. No one else cares what you decide, except your husband.

My life was broadly similar to yours except reverse the salaries.
If you dont want it, you dont want it. If you are unsure and your marriage is great it might be worth exploring.

Personally.. i would consider counselling (joint and maybe solo) to navigate this with your DH and see what you really want for your life.
But your DH needs to stop bandying about the terms divorce and get serious via actions if he wants children with you and i wouldnt entertain the idea if i didnt see an attitude shift improvement.

I had huge fear over being left "doing everything" my life and body wrecked... earning most of the cash responsibility for everything failing to me while my husband pootled about enjoying life.

Buttt i am in @Teapot13's camp. I agreed to ONE after some hard chats with DH. He demonstrated he would step up do his share, cleaner weekly not fortnightly etc. Once preg / with newborn there were bumps and we fought about who did what up to 6m and it was a massive adjustment.

My life is def not as "easy" as no kids but i love it. So much so i am pregnant w no 2 already (dd is 16m) which was (shockingly) driven by me.
I went back to work full time, i havent suffered any mum guilt and have retained my life and ID however... i would never have had children if my H wasnt going to pull his weight, my family werent nearby and i didnt have ££££ to outsource. I just know it wouldnt be for me.

My daughter is a fab little person and brings me so much joy but i still feel like this and wouldnt have a second if we were strapped financially so i couldnt outsource or it meant being a sahm.
it is just not something i want and i know that firmly.

You dont want children and you never have. You dont need an excuse or need to justify why not.

Please do this -

Ask your husband why you would want to have a baby with a man who already does fuck all to run a household.

His reaction will be a blank stare.

I suppose as you have a good income you could get a nanny which would massively take the pressure off. I don’t think people are necessarily unhappy when they have children, they’re just a lot more tired and feel a bit more pressure but if you had a nanny you wouldn’t have to feel as tired or under pressure. Give the cleaner a few more hours too.
Perhaps have a decent conversation with your husband outlining all your concerns and say that in order to have a child you’d need this and that to make it work. Perhaps being a sahm isn’t the best bet for you either.
there’s nothing wrong with not wanting a child, it is such a huge thing to embark on. A lot of people take that for granted, the fact you don’t means you’d probably make a great mum.