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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:06

Should also have said, im a long term poster and hang about the tack room board a lot but I’ve NC

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 15/07/2023 14:09

The safety of your horse is paramount. I don’t know what else you could do. It’s just a fact that your horse has a limit and they are over it.

Howls · 15/07/2023 14:09

Weight limits are there for the health and safety of the horse.
This is in no way fat shaming, I say that as someone who would also be too big to ride your horse!
They are idiots. YANBU

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 15/07/2023 14:10

You have done NOTHING wrong and they sound horrible, it’s fine to be whatever weight you are but it’s not fine to possibly injure an animal because you want to use it for riding, when you’re too heavy for it to manage.

Ask them to stop contacting you. Block their numbers and block them on Facebook etc; if they continue to contact you and harass you I’d call 101 and explain you are being harassed. They are the ones in the wrong here.

SweetPetrichor · 15/07/2023 14:10

Definitely not being unreasonable - there’s no nice way to say “you are too heavy”, but it has to be said to protect the horse. They should have had the common sense to realise they’d be too heavy, it’s part of being a responsible rider.

AliceOlive · 15/07/2023 14:10

I think everyone who reads what they’ve written will understand that you had no choice.

It is for the best if they are going to try and get a loan without caring about the horse itself. Their rants will put others on notice.

Howls · 15/07/2023 14:10

I would post a link to a vet explanation of weight limits for horses, then leave it at that.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 14:10

Have you responded to them on Facebook? I certainly would. Very politely with a very brief response that you are responsible for making sure your horse has suitable owners.

Original poster
melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:11

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

It’s not really the done thing tbh but you’re right it would make it easier if it was! I think it’s just sort of assumed that people who are ready to own or loan are aware of these things and would only try to ride horses suitable if that makes sense but I agree it would be easier if it was specified!

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 15/07/2023 14:12

You cannot let someone who is quite clearly too big for your horse, get on your horse! You know that and she knows that too, really. You did nothing wrong.

HermioneWeasley · 15/07/2023 14:13

How could you possibly be unreasonable in this scenario?

PinkFrogss · 15/07/2023 14:13

Do you really think you might have been unreasonable in not compromising the health of your horse? Confused

Just block them on SM

Tidsleytiddy · 15/07/2023 14:13

I wouldn’t want them on my horse (not that I’ve got one) based on their attitudes alone. They sound very unstable (no pun intended)

GnusSitOnCanoes · 15/07/2023 14:14

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

It’s common sense, to be honest. At 15hh she’s barely bigger than a pony, so must be a particularly oblivious mum and daughter pair not to recognize they’d be too heavy for her.

StevieNicksfan · 15/07/2023 14:16

Good for you. Well done for putting your horse first!

FairlySane · 15/07/2023 14:16

FEBRUARY 2012

The Queen has banned visitors to Balmoral from going trekking on her shooting ponies – because some riders are too heavy. Animal rights activists warned the animals' health was being put at risk by carrying too heavy horsemen.

Easterdisaster2023 · 15/07/2023 14:16

Not fat shaming at all! They can't just hop onto an animal that's going to strain to take their weight FFS. They sound entitled and nasty. Don't let them get to you - there's a weight limit and thats that, no different to any other activity that has a weight limit- and I say thus as an overweight person. As long as you were polite about it, I don't see what more you could have done other than direct them to a more suitable sized horse owner/company.

Louloulouenna · 15/07/2023 14:17

We loaned out a 15hh Connie and I’m afraid stipulated under 10 stone, yes a little heavier would probably be fine but we aware people tend to underestimate their weight.

Badbudgeter · 15/07/2023 14:18

I think there a lot of strange, entitled people in the world who like to DARVO any situation that doesn’t go there way. Best not to engage. Obviously you were right not to let them try aka injure your horse.

10HailMarys · 15/07/2023 14:18

You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t ride or keep horses but even I know it’s extremely important to make sure a rider is within the right weight range for the horse, for the horse’s comfort and safety. They can get nasty injuries from carrying people too heavy for them, right?

My horsey friend is on the heavier side and when she has a riding class or joins a hack now and again, she invariably ends up on a huge horse, even though she’s not very tall, because she’s honest with the stables about her weight and doesn’t want to cause any horse discomfort.

DuchessOfSausage · 15/07/2023 14:21

I'm guessing that mother and daughter were quite obviously over say 13 st.
Not saying that 13 st is suitable for the horse, just that someone looking at least 13st would be too heavy.

takealettermsjones · 15/07/2023 14:21

I know zilch about horses but they're basically expecting you to allow them to injure an animal to protect their feelings?

Hmm. Hell no.

Seaweasel · 15/07/2023 14:21

Sounds like a blessing that their size made them unsuitable. Imagine what they would have been like if they'd actually loaned your horse and you'd upset them by asking something to be done a certain way. The social media thing will blow over but it is hard while it's happening.

lilacsinbloom · 15/07/2023 14:24

Good on you for protecting your horse from pain and injury.

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