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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
PumpkinQueen1 · 15/07/2023 16:21

You are not being unreasonable.

They are over the weight limit to be riding the horse. They need a bigger horse.

They are being unreasonable for harassing you.

Anklespraying · 15/07/2023 16:22

They fat shamed themselves!

They both seem to be ashamed of their weight or they would not be so angry!

LisaD1 · 15/07/2023 16:25

I now ask for videos of people riding before they come to see mine after a lady who was at a guess around the 16 stone mark came to try out my daughters pony. I’ve got a weigh limit for all of mine and will not go over.

RestingMurderousFace · 15/07/2023 16:27

Selfish, entitled cunts abound these days, sadly.

YANBU to put the safety of your horse over the feelings of those two heifers.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/07/2023 16:28

I am very overweight, and used to ride when I was younger. I’d love to do it again, but there is no way I would consider it unless it was completely safe for the horse.

Are they honestly saying you should have endangered your horse’s health, to spare their feelings, @melonspritz?

Invisibleeye · 15/07/2023 16:30

You couldn’t be more in the right if you tried OP. I think you should block them on SM but if they’ve posted publicly I may be inclined to do a post stating that your horse’s welfare is paramount and there is a weight limit for that reason. I wouldn’t name them but I’d want to clear up rumours and sensible people would make the judgement themselves that these people are potty!

RosesAndHellebores · 15/07/2023 16:31

They do not know enough about horses or their welfare to be responsible for a horse.

No, you didn't "fat shame" them. They showed themselves up. Pair of mares.

Batalax · 15/07/2023 16:33

Definitely post a factual article about weights and horse size.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 15/07/2023 16:33

Fat-shaming would be to say that they are disgusting and gross and there's no way you would let anyone as huge as them near your horse.

What you did was to protect your horse. They know this. They knew that they were too heavy, and proceeded anyway. They either don't fully understand or don't care that their weight would injure the horse. If they have only been allowed to ride larger horses until now, then I'm sure it has been explained to them why.

Goodingly · 15/07/2023 16:34

No, you didn't fat shame her.

This is definitely on the mother, especially as an experienced rider. I've only been on a horse/pony once in my life and I know that horses can only comfortably and safely carry weight in proportion to their size/weight and approximately what that looks like.

She has fat-shamed herself and her poor daughter. Sounds vile and unhinged. I would block her.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 15/07/2023 16:38

How old was the mother? Only asking because 'back in the day' there was a lot of press around how strong native breeds are......I'm sure it was proudly announced that Highland ponies regularly carried weights of 16+ stone!
Definitely mention an upper weight limit in the ad, avoids dipshits like this showing up for a free ride.

ejbaxa · 15/07/2023 16:40

No, you were right to protect the horse. I’m wondering if they were both tall - being tall substantially increases the weight of a person. And add a bit of chunk (like I have!) and you can be really quite heavy, even if you are not obese.

alloalloallo · 15/07/2023 16:40

YANBU, but this seems to come up a lot on our local horse Facebook group.

I advertised for a part loaner for DD’s pony and put a weight limit in the ad and got loads of comments accusing me of fat shaming - but also lots of comments agreeing with me

A friend runs a riding school and very kindly and diplomatically turned away some holiday makers who dropped in and wanted to go on a hack. She gave them details of another riding school who had more suitable horses so they could still ride, but they slated my friend all over social media, bad reviews on her FB page, etc, etc.

We go with 20% of pony’s ideal weight, including tack which seems to be the standard these days

Startyabastard · 15/07/2023 16:44

You did nothing wrong and were very sensitive about it.
You were looking after your horse and couldn't have said it better.
To add to that, I am concious of fat shaming because my mother fat shamed total strangers in the supermarket when I was growing up which was a vile thing to do, so I can see both sides, as in would be able to tell if you fat shamed.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/07/2023 16:45

Your horses safety is more important than their feelings.

LuckyPeonies · 15/07/2023 16:46

Well done, OP!! They are ignorant idiots, and vile! If they cared about horses they would be aware of weight limits and not even consider a small horse. I really hope they won’t be able to find someone unscrupulous who won’t care and sell them a horse that cannot cope with their weight, but hopefully the fuss they are making will alert other potential horse sellers.

Bonbon21 · 15/07/2023 16:47

Well done you!
What a pair of arses... big ones by the sound of it!!😀😀😉😉

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/07/2023 16:48

Well its not fat shaming to stop someone from bungee jumping with a line that wont support their weight. Anyone who knows anything about horses will understand. I would be tempted to post on SM that you are sorry they are upset but you have to abide by the guidelines for animal welfare and that is never going to be negotiable.

WillowKnicks · 15/07/2023 16:48

YANBU

DD rides & one of the venue she competes at put a big post on FB saying they will refuse entry in to the arena for anyone they class as too big for their horse, as they had become concerned at the amount of riders who were obviously too heavy for their horses. They got an overwhelming amount of support in the comments.

Also, it's really common for riding schools to stipulate a maximum weight, think it's usually 12 stone.

Spanielsarepainless · 15/07/2023 16:52

You didn't fat shame. You asked her weight. If they presume they are fat that's their problem, which they are somehow making your fault. Well done for protecting the welfare of your beloved horse.

Topseyt123 · 15/07/2023 16:52

You did not fat shame them at all, although I doubt it was a difficult conversation. You protected the horse.

I know little about horse, but I think everything you have said is common sense, or should be to anyone with more than two brain cells. I am very overweight sadly, and I would never inflict myself on an animal like they wanted to.

Block them on social media. They will be no sad loss to you.

Densol57 · 15/07/2023 16:54

Me and my partner like to take excursions on cruises. Horse riding, camel, boating and Segway for example.
They ALL have weight limits and they do weigh you too.
Often we dont book him as he is too heavy for some and fully understands. He doesnt start crying and having a tantrum 🤣

OP these people are CRAZY ! Block them and forget about them - if they find other ways to contact you, report them to the police. They sound unhinged.

Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2023 16:54

As a fat person who would love to ride, I would never even attempt to without being sure the horse would be ok.

I remember being asked my weight the last time I went for a hack (20 years ago) and that seems completely sensible.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 15/07/2023 16:54

If they’re posting on SM I would just put a polite comment underneath saying

“I will not go over the safe weight limit for riders for my horse, as I’m sure you will appreciate my horses well-being is important to me and in the interests of animal welfare I always stick to the guideline when it come to rider weight. I’m sorry that you are offended by this and hope that you are able to find a more suitable horse soon”.

everyone who sees it will agree they’re being unreasonable and that you weren’t fat shaming, but protecting your horse from potential injury.

stormwatcher · 15/07/2023 16:56

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