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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 15/07/2023 15:15

You are not at all unreasonable. They are.
horse welfare first, always. And I speak as someone who has gained weight and currently don’t ride at all because of this.

WheresSummerGoneTo · 15/07/2023 15:16

Lots of sports require weight compliance, riding is one of them. You did the right thing OP in protecting your horse, I don’t let anyone ride my horses if they’re on the heavier side and I don’t care who I offend by refusing, the welfare of my horses come first. They’re clearly not experienced enough to realise horses have weight limits. If they’re that inexperienced you’ve had a lucky escape.

tenbob · 15/07/2023 15:16

SweatingSwampbeast · 15/07/2023 14:41

I mean obviously the weight of tack has to be factored in. But going by the old rule of one stone per hand, the max weight limit would be rather more than say 10 stone.

Completely agree that it's your horse and your rules though!

The most widely accepted rule is now 20% of the horse’s weight. It’s been adopted by BD for this year for all competitions

I would guess a 15hh connie would be around 400kg

Which means once you allow for tack, that’s a rider of 11.5 stone and not much more

CoraPirbright · 15/07/2023 15:18

These horrors must be far, far less experienced than they claim as otherwise they would have had a good idea from your 15hh description that this was not going to be a suitable match. I would spread the word around the local stables/owners etc about them just as a warning. I like the comment upthread about ‘so you want me to allow you to injure an animal so that your feelings are not hurt?’!! So sorry this is happening to you but you do sound like a brilliant owner.

Brbreeze · 15/07/2023 15:18

Definitely not unreasonable.

I've never advertised a loan with a specified weight limit except for kids ponies. For a 15hh to be honest I probably would have unless they had sent me photos/videos of them riding - which people tend to do without me even asking!

Lesson learned for the future, advertise the limit because you can't trust people to know theirs.

JudgeAnderson · 15/07/2023 15:18

Good for you OP.
Where I'm from there's a bit of a pony trekking industry and they have an upper weight limit of 90kg, over 14 stone, for animals that are largely very small and slight and I absolutely hate seeing the poor things overloaded with some beefy tourist Sad

DonttouchthatLarry · 15/07/2023 15:23

You did nothing wrong. I would mention it in the ad though - I've seen plenty that say things like 'suitable for teen or lightweight adult'. Or Just be blunt and put a maximum weight. You had a lucky escape there, they would have been nightmares even if lighter.

doingthehokeykokey · 15/07/2023 15:28

Ignore. People can be weird. Body dysmorphia is real. You are a responsible owner. Good for you OP.

DrYou · 15/07/2023 15:29

I got accused of fat shaming once. Someone had been climbing on something on my property to get to her puppy and I kindly said ‘oh please be careful! That is very old and not strong at all!’ And I got screamed at that I was saying she was fat and that it would break under her weight

doingthehokeykokey · 15/07/2023 15:29

your pony sounds lovely too!

LePetitChat · 15/07/2023 15:30

You dodged a bullet there. They would have been nightmares to have loaned to.

Fat shaming would have been if you had said ‘you’re so fat my horse would be embarrassed to have you on her’. Saying you’re too heavy is entirely different.

I hate how people’s feelings are more important than simple relevant facts. Ugh. Definitely nbu and dodged a bullet.

MollysBrolly · 15/07/2023 15:32

Learn from this. Have it on your website/emails that riders have to be x weight or below

Honeyroar · 15/07/2023 15:35

I wouldn’t worry about whatever they’re posting. They’re making a fool of themselves, nobody else is fat shaming them, just them. They’re also making it very difficult for themselves to loan anything else. If I have a pony up for losn and some one enquires, the first thing I do is have a look at social media to see if I can work out their experience. And if I saw them spouting stuff like this I’d avoid them like the plague! I wouldn’t judge you in the slightest.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 15:35

YANBU but really you should have put the weight limit on the advert.

bonfirebash · 15/07/2023 15:36

Not unreasonable at all and I'm heavy and rode for years
My own self imposed rules were nothing under 16hh, nothing young, unfit or fine boned
Rode a 16.2 ID x for a decade who was perfectly happy carrying me and preferred a heavier rider. She took the total piss out of anyone under 11 stone Blush

HairyKitty · 15/07/2023 15:37

I know nothing about horses but clearly neither did they if they were unaware that horses have weight limits!! You and your horse have had a lucky escape.

Titfortat78 · 15/07/2023 15:38

Going by that reaction they obviously aren’t the right people to be owning a horse. To put someone who is too heavy for that horses back would be cruel and selfish.

Leftbutcameback · 15/07/2023 15:39

You did exactly the right thing and they sound awful. The welfare of the horse comes first always. Sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve recently put on a bit of weight and mentioned it to my riding school in case it made a difference to who I can ride.

JoeyRamonesHair · 15/07/2023 15:42

They sound unhinged, with no idea of horse welfare. I had to put a weight limit on the ad when I sold my pony recently as the trainer I work with warned me that this was very necessary nowadays.

MinnieTruck · 15/07/2023 15:43

516 votes and not one person has said YABU. Well, I’ve never seen that before😂 this thread alone shows you how much they’re in the wrong. I’d block them off of the FB page but I’m somewhat petty

Goldbar31 · 15/07/2023 15:43

You did nothing wrong.
Connemara’s are absolutely brilliant in every way. They’re agile, fun, safe and brilliant jumpers! They are however, predominantly children’s ponies.
All you can do is ignore.

HollyFern1110 · 15/07/2023 15:44

Of course YANBU. Your priority is to protect your horse.

Fromage · 15/07/2023 15:45

I am morbidly obese and thus have not been on a horse in years and years.

You did nothing wrong, you are completely in the right.

I know a similarly awful mother daughter horsey combo. Mother won't accept daughter being overweight. Surname begins with a K.

Astonishing to be so in denial you are willing to hurt a horse.

Lol @Tidsleytiddy "they sound unstable" 😂

Horriblewoman · 15/07/2023 15:46

I’m 5ft10 and 11 stone and I’d probably wonder about my suitability for a 15hander. They are being totally unreasonable and you are totally fine.

NumberTheory · 15/07/2023 15:47

You were obviously right to protect the welfare of your horse.

However, as some of the responses to their posts and the anecdotes in those horse and hound links make clear - there are obviously a lot of riders who will knowingly, happily ignore horse welfare in this regard. So I think it makes sense in the future to include a line in the advert that, for the welfare of the horse, you won’t consider anyone who is not height and weight matched and it will be a requirement of the loan that similar restrictions are put on all riders, with maybe a link to the guidelines for your horse. It would help avoid the situation you just had as well as adding to the social pressure within riding to take this more seriously than it currently is.

(And agree with PP that you’ve dodged a bullet - Their reaction was abysmal and even I if they’d been the right size, these are people you don’t want to be involved with).