Did I fat shame her?

[melonspritz]

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

The horse world is full of complete idiots

we had to sell our horses a few years ago, and so many people are just incredibly selfish and stupid

we ended up gifting our favourite horse to a rider (under the stipulation he could not sell it on) as he was a great horseman and we bloody loved that horse 💔

No, you definitely didn’t fat shame them or do anything wrong. She’s your horse, you can refuse to loan her for whatever reason you like!

It might be that you have quite strict views on what would be too heavy though, and they were genuinely surprised- it’s hard to tell without knowing how much the two women weighed. I would definitely put the maximum rider weight that you would be comfortable with in the next advert.

I think it’s likely the women know horses have weight limits - they’re probably either in denial because once you’ve squeezed yourself into a pair of Jodhs you don’t look that overweight, nobody at their riding school has challenged them, or they were banking on not being called out.

I know absolutely nothing about horses but what you have written makes perfect sense to me and if they were horse lovers they would have got it too I presume. I hate fat shaming but in this instance I feel you were absolutely right to say what you did, and it’s not fat shaming but protecting an innocent animal who cannot stand up for itself. YDNBU

I think sadly that many people who are overweight/obese think they can do all sports and in this case horse riding you need the right size horse for it. Ideally the yard should have a horse for all dudes but if they don’t then that’s not down to a yard which is often small with not a huge selection.

I recall about a year ago Gemma Collins riding a horse in a riding school and the horse was obviously buckling under her weight, but as it’s her and she probably would’ve made a stink if she wasn’t allowed to ride, they just let her ride, possibly for a shorter period than normal. The amount of people who said “go on Gemma well done” and then others who expressed concern for the horse was unbelievable and you could see how fat shaming comments could come about.

I’ve ridden when younger and if there were overweight women/girls they were put on horses designed to take their weight.

The social media shaming from these women is appalling and just shows how uninformed these women were. Yes they could be novice chancers but I can’t understand why they’d be interested in your horse if they’ve been riding horses more suited for their sizes. Screams a bit of CF’ery to me, I should be able to ride any horse I like! Good for you for sticking up for yourself and the horse and let’s hope their petty social media cries die down and are ignored.

I hope you responded to the FB messages pointing out that they should have known about the relevant limits and not wasted your time?

Each horse or pony can take different weights. Ignore these people. Your horse’s safety is paramount first and yes - some people will be too heavy for some horses. That’s just a fact.

You absolutely did the right thing.

Grinds my gears when people say 'oh but I ride light', as if that reduces that actual, physical weight on the horse!!

I really want to start riding again but called up the nearby stables and am over their weight limit. Totally understandable which is why I asked. Looks like I now have an incentive to lose some weight!

These are not horse lovers, you did nothing wrong at all. I would politely respond to the Facebook posts with some info on weight limits for horses. And text back if they continue to harass you the police will become involved. They are unhinged. And it's clearly touched a nerve because they are overweight.

I know absolutely nothing about horses but common sense would say that horses aren't able to take infinite weight.

If they're as experienced as they claimed then they should have known the horse was too small.

I'd maintain a dignified and brief response that as a responsible owner you have a duty of care to your horse for their own health and wellbeing.

Surely anyone in the horse community would respect an owner who looks after their horse.

This

Very much this

Wow that's an awful reaction.

Personally I'd have to respond (calmly!) to their smearing on social media to defend myself.

You dodged a bullet - they sound vile and not the right people for your pony even if there were within the weight limit.

Yes you should have stipulated a weight limit - hindsight eh. And always go at least 1/2 stone under as people do/can underestimate. Also depends on your saddle's weight as some are far heavier than others.

I see. Well..... I agree that the 'advert' should say something like:

" just a reminder that <HORSE NAME> can't take any more than 15 stone (or whatever). please be aware of this <include link to confirm that this is a thing>"

Otherwise, surely this sort of confusion could happen, and the horses safety is paramount

You did the right thing.

More and more I'm seeing insta posts of people riding horses far too small for them.

I used to ride regularly but havent for a decade because of weight gain due to illness.

Once the weights off I'll be back on.

You definitely did the right thing for the horse.

I can see why they were upset though.
It was probably one of those harsh reality checks if they were both in tears.

Stupid women, they haven't a clue about horses and obviously don't give a damn about horse welfare.

I think you should respond on FB pointing out the welfare of the horse is paramount and if they had any sense at all they'd know that they were both simply too heavy for that size horse.

I don't give a toss about their hurt feelings in this instance.

Some people can’t handle reality.

you did the right thing. I’d have done the same.

Heaven forbid the staff at Alton Towers should they ever rock up there and try and get on some rides!

There's nothing different you could have said or done (except call the RSPCA 😆), but I would certainly message them and warn them if they don't pack in harassing you that you'll go to police.

Wouldn't it have been better to post in the tack room? The views of posters there would be more worthwhile than those of random non-horsey posters.

It's absolutely the done thing to specify your weight limit for your horse on the loan advert

Very normal around my way 🤷🏽‍♀️

You weren’t’/aren’t being unreasonable, however I don’t understand why you didn’t stipulate a maximum weight limit on your original advert?

I dont see what else you could have done - they were too big for your horse- you werent shaming them - its was a fact

There is absolutely no way you have fat shamed anyone. The health of your horse is paramount.

That said, to avoid this in future I would put a weight limit on the advert specifying that the horse can carry up to X kg for insurance/safety/health purposes. That way, noone can say you have fat shamed as they clearly havent read the advert properly.