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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
pimplebum · 15/07/2023 14:47

I would respond on face book with
Quotes from reliable sources Ie RSPCA and facts a good chart etc
I like the queen quote posted above - can't argue with the queen and animal rights peeps

AnnaNims · 15/07/2023 14:49

I'd worry that those 2 idiots are looking to loan any horse if they thought they would be ok to ride yours. They don't sound suitable to be looking to loan (plus they sound like inveterate morons).

Good for you, OP.

SweetAsIcedChocolate · 15/07/2023 14:50

they're basically expecting you to allow them to injure an animal to protect their feelings?

^ Maybe reply with this op.
Appalling that they would consider injuring an animal.

KarmaStar · 15/07/2023 14:51

Howls · 15/07/2023 14:10

I would post a link to a vet explanation of weight limits for horses, then leave it at that.

Do this.you are absolutely right to put your horse first.

Bax765 · 15/07/2023 14:53

Sounds like a lucky escape to me!

Can you block them until it blows over?

NeedleFeltedFox · 15/07/2023 14:53

Anyone over 11 stone looking to ride a horse should be upfront about their weight. I’m 13.5 stone and don’t ride anymore but I wouldn’t assume a Connie of any height would be happy carrying me and I wouldn’t get on it.

Fundays12 · 15/07/2023 14:54

I am badly allergic to horses and can't even be near one but know horses have weight limits for riders. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your horses well being and safety is the most important thing here. You mentioned weight as she can't be ridden by someone above a certain weight which is the way it is. I don't understand there reaction. If they are to heavy to ride the horse that's not your fault nor should you be expected to harm your horse yo facilitate them.

IncomingTraffic · 15/07/2023 14:55

They are basically advertising far and wide on social media that they are not suitable for horse loans/ownership.

Block them so they can’t harass you. But it sounds like they’re quite happy manufacturing their own rope, and you don’t need to supply them any (and certainly don’t need to explain yourself).

Yes, there will be idiots who support them. But the vast majority of people will look and think ‘but you are overweight and need to accept that means you can’t ride all horses. Stop making a fuss and playing the victim.’

Jackie246 · 15/07/2023 14:57

You definitely didn't make the wrong call not letting them on your horse, and I say that as a heavier person who rides a sturdy native to make sure I'm well within their weight carrying limit! There's nothing worse at shows than seeing oversized adults (not necessarily fat!) on small show ponies warming them up for children. There is stringent advice about this for a reason!

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/07/2023 14:58

Another far too heavy to ride any horse these days - no, you're not fat shaming.

Your horses weight limit is x, their weight is y+ so not suitable for your horse.

I don't think it is unacceptable to put your horses weight limit on a loan advert at all though, I have seen it done, particularly where people are looking for parent/child loans/shares.

Sallyh87 · 15/07/2023 14:59

There hurt feelings are not as important as the health and comfort of the animal! The fact they weren’t aware, indicates they wouldn’t be good for the horse.

I think I’d probably be too big as well!

Fighterofthenightman1 · 15/07/2023 14:59

You did nothing wrong and it's a blessing that these idiots won't be loaning your horse

buckingmad · 15/07/2023 15:00

I’ve got a 14.2 connie and absolutely no way would I go over the weight limit. From how thy described themselves to you I would also have assumed they were aware of any weight limits. Weight aside, they’d have likely been too big to distribute weight evenly in the saddle and connies often don’t have a lot of back length to play with so if they had bought the pony it’d have ended up with back issues likely.

Block them and move on. Add height/weight restrictions to your initial convo with future buyers.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 15/07/2023 15:01

You're far nicer than me. I'd have responded on social media if they were publicly slandering you and very factually said why you had turned down their offer for your horse.

RobertaFirmino · 15/07/2023 15:02

I know nothing about horses. You cannot argue with science though and it will cause problems for an object to bear more mass than it is capable of bearing. That's not fat shaming, it's physics.

pinklama · 15/07/2023 15:02

No, you did not fat shame them. You said they were too heavy (same but different). Horses have a weight limit depending on their breed, size and age. Some people just don't cope well with a reality check because it means they don't get their own way. But deep down, they know they are too heavy (not fat). If they don't then they are not the experienced horse people they claim to be.

Just add it to the loan advert, no riders over xyz stone etc.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/07/2023 15:04

Apparently at great Yorkshire shoe a couple of days ago, someone wasn't allowed in the ring because she was deemed too heavy for her pony...
I would just post a link to one of the guidelines/calculations on the maximum weight a horse should carry.

A PP is correct that they fat shamed themselves by posting their tale of woe on FB. Silly cows

InSpainTheRain · 15/07/2023 15:08

They weighed too much for your horse - statement of fact not fat shaming. However I think you should indicate suitable max weight when you advertise.

DarkDarkNight · 15/07/2023 15:09

It’s not nice for them and I’m sure a sensitive subject, but you did what was right for the horse. It’s not fair to have someone far too heavy on the horse.

It either just hadn’t occurred to them or they hoped you wouldn’t be aware, or would be too scared to tell them. Maybe they haven’t questioned why they were on cob types or heavy horses, and just assumed it would be ok. Ignore them, you have done the right thing.

Partiallypickled · 15/07/2023 15:09

You often see 20% of a horses weight (including tack) for a heavier breed. 15% for a lighter breed. I don’t think just looking at a person is a guide to weight. Much fairer if you say what the maximum weight.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2023 15:11

Nobody thinks you're unreasonable, OP, not a one.

Weight is a definite deal-breaker in this instance. Think of it like a fairground rides. Those have height and/or weight limits for a reason. This is an even better reason.

I would put max weight limits in at the start of the conversation, very matter of fact, that way everybody knows where they stand and you need have no further conversation about it.

wholivesondrurylane · 15/07/2023 15:11

If someone is booked into a martial art competition, but doesn't make weight on the day, is it fat shaming to tell them "no, sorry"?
Of course not.

You did nothing wrong.

It was a lucky escape for your horse, imagine having to put up with these temperamental nutcases? How do you think they would treat him after the way they are treating you?

Jongleterre · 15/07/2023 15:12

I don't agree with the term 'shaming' that seems to be used by the terminally offended.

If you're fat, you're fat and there's no point Pusey footing around it.

In this instance their weight was completely relevant in their suitability for riding your horse.

I would have told the pair of 'GoLightly's' what you said and probably recommend they they lose weight in the interests of health and safety for them and any horses they want to ride.

MargaretThursday · 15/07/2023 15:12

I don't ride and never have had anything to do with horses, but it's kind of obvious that they will have a weight limit. Anything you put weight on will have some weight limit-even bridges do 🤣

So I suspect to anyone who knows anything about horses, what they're actually doing is saying "we don't know anything about horses, and aren't willing to learnt, don't let us use your horse". So they're shooting themselves in the foot if they're hoping to share a horse.

Papernotplastic · 15/07/2023 15:14

If they don’t even have that level of basic knowledge they have no business riding.