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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I fat shame her?

333 replies

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 16/07/2023 23:31

Iwouldlikesomecake · 15/07/2023 14:10

You have done NOTHING wrong and they sound horrible, it’s fine to be whatever weight you are but it’s not fine to possibly injure an animal because you want to use it for riding, when you’re too heavy for it to manage.

Ask them to stop contacting you. Block their numbers and block them on Facebook etc; if they continue to contact you and harass you I’d call 101 and explain you are being harassed. They are the ones in the wrong here.

Absolutely this.
They clearly don’t care about the horse at all.

LalaPaloosa · 17/07/2023 00:15

You did exactly the right thing.

I think you have also dodged a bullet with these two. Who reacts this way when someone says they don’t want to lease their horse to you? Entitled, abusive and just rude. Tell them that their messages are unwelcome harassment and that if they contact you again you will report it to the police.

M your horse is lucky you’re looking out for her. You’re a responsible owner and should be proud of yourself.

Mamanyt · 17/07/2023 00:22

Take down your current advert, and leave it down for a few weeks. Then post a new one, and mention in it that due to the size of your horse, she cannot safely carry more than X amount of weight. That way, it is up front, and if you need to mention it when a buyer shows up, they knew ahead of time.

It is not fat-shaming to tell someone the top weight a horse can safely carry. It is good stewardship of that animal. And I am saying that as a woman who should be a good bit lighter than I am. I would NEVER even ask a horse not able for my weight range to carry me. I have, in fact, when dealing with riding stables, refused to join my group when I knew the horse they showed me was not up to my weight. Sat it out at the stables, with a good book. My favorite stable had a couple of cross-bred draft horses for larger riders.

MustWeDoThis · 17/07/2023 00:41

melonspritz · 15/07/2023 14:05

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

Speaking as someone overweight, I would never ever be so ignorant to think I could, or should get on any horse! They are being defensive because deep down they know what they've done. They are in denial and getting on the defensive.

You are no way in the wrong. They couldn't pick up a horse, just the same as a pony couldn't handle their weight. They should know carrying extra weight damages animal joints, as well as human.

As for the shaming (slander&libel with threatening and intimidating behaviour) - I would now report them to the police for harassment. Screenshot everything, including the FB posts and any comments condoning what they are saying.

This is now cyber bullying, and it's a crime.

Dibbydoos · 17/07/2023 02:04

Well done for putting the welfare of your horse first. I'm overweight at the mo and I wouldn't dream of horse riding as I currently am, it's cruel!

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 17/07/2023 03:36

It’s the same as not letting a toddler ride a roller coaster, all the good thoughts in the world doesn’t make it safe.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 17/07/2023 05:57

Richvanilla · 15/07/2023 14:09

I know nothing about horses and didn't even know an adult horse would have a weight limit so to speak.

If that's the case then shouldn't it be common place when advertising a horse for sale/loan/whatever to specify the horses weight limit.

Again, I know nothing of the horsey world.

Is it not common sense that a horse will only be able to carry so much weight? They are a living creature, not a machine.

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:30

They sound nuts. I'd report them for harassment and tell them this.
YANBU

Lolalady · 17/07/2023 07:57

I’m sorry you’ve had be subjected to this horrible abuse from two obviously entitled and stupid people. Clearly your horse’s welfare is the most important thing here and well done on sticking to your guns! So many horses are subjected to abuse and ill treatment from ignorant people who have no idea how to look after them. I hope you find the right person soon to take on your sweet girl.

celticprincess · 17/07/2023 08:08

The stables where I take my DD to ride has weight limits clearly stated on their website and fb for anyone new looking for lessons. I’d assume it could be good practice to put weight suitablilites on adverts for selling or sharing horses or ponies too.

AggiePole · 17/07/2023 08:09

Well done for protecting the horse. Sorry you had to deal with such aggression and rudeness but ignoring it is probably the best and dignified option.

HeartbrokenAunt · 17/07/2023 08:42

I’d love to know who the 1% are who voted you as unreasonable!

The mother has made a right tit of herself posting about her weight on SM.

I would suggest you post a message yourself describing your horse and include the weight limit. I wouldn’t link this idiot in on it but anyone who knows both of you can work out for themselves that you weren’t fat shaming.

If you don’t have friends in common, just ignore the messages.

Pity there wasn’t a “blacklist” of riders who want to buy or borrow a horse!

blondiepigtails · 17/07/2023 09:07

It is becoming very common to see riders who are too heavy for their horses. They just don’t understand the damage they are causing to their horse.

Sonyrec · 17/07/2023 09:11

Well done Op! I've only sold twice, under pretty stressful conditions. Not only have I turned someone away at the gate for lying about their size (I did mention a limit for the horse), I've also taken someone off the horse within minutes because they lied about their riding ability.
For experienced horse people it's not hard to have an idea of whether we are the right weight to ride a horse. We can get a pretty good idea just from seeing photos, then if in doubt, ask the owner. It's not really necessary to put a weight limit on adverts.

Stravaig · 17/07/2023 09:19

There is so much denial about excess weight and its consequences these days that it seems optimistic unwise insane to trust a self-reported weight anyway.

If I needed to know a person's weight for critical safety and welfare reasons I'd want to log it myself, full clothed and booted, on the day, whether in stables or small plane hanger or adventure sport or medical surgery. An individual could look away if they don't want to know. I simply do not trust the public at large any more.

OP, I'd amend the ad to include the weight limit, and also indicate that it will be verified, which should dissuade those who would try to lie.

Fromage · 17/07/2023 09:30

Imagine those two at a dress hire shop.

"Hello, we've come to pick up the size 8 dresses we reserved to wear at our party this evening."

"Er, these dresses are too small for you!"

"Waah! Fat shaming! Outrage! How dare you discriminate! Boo hoo hoo oh my poor battered human rights you absolute fascist!" etc

"OK then here are your dresses, 2lbs of butter, an industrial compressor, 14 shoe horns and some holy water. Good luck and remember you've agreed to any damages."

Fucking ridiculous people.

narrichi · 17/07/2023 09:35

YANBU. I am not a horsey person but even I know that horses have weight limits and there's no way an overweight person can safely ride on a small horse. It's not fat shaming and these people are ridiculous to expect you to risk injury to your horse (and possibly the rider too?) in order to protect their egos.

LuvSmallDogs · 17/07/2023 09:46

I have nothing to do with horses and am not particularly fond of them, but I still knew there were different weight limits. It's common sense really, when you consider their different builds and that riders are sitting on their spines!

Bitsyvonmuffling77 · 17/07/2023 09:59

I am as fat positive as they come but even I know that my weight has limitations and animal safety trumps it all in this scenario.

You did not fat shame them. Block and move on. Any reputable rider or owner would be aware of weight limitations. They were not reputable.

SkySecret · 17/07/2023 11:15

Not unreasonable, no doubt the riding school has asked for their weights when they joined too.

Probably best to state your weight limit in your ad just so as not to have to discuss it face to face with anyone in future!

They’re just causing a fuss really, I mean, they’d know they were too heavy for a Shetland wouldn’t they? So it’s reasonable for them to look into what size and build of horse would be suitable for them.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/07/2023 11:18

AliceOlive · 15/07/2023 14:09

The safety of your horse is paramount. I don’t know what else you could do. It’s just a fact that your horse has a limit and they are over it.

This, of course. YANBU at all.

Pilgit · 17/07/2023 11:21

You've done nothing wrong. And i say this as someone who is probably too large to get on any horse! I know my weight. I know putting that on a horses back would be too much. The horse's welfare is paramount. I loved riding and want to go back to it - but not till i won't inflict harm.

I can understand feeling shame as a result of being told they were too fat - i often feel shame for my size - but you did not shame them. They shame themselves.

CurlewKate · 17/07/2023 11:48

As I said earlier, I think the weight limit should be in the advertisements, but if if everything else is as reported, the OP did nothing wrong. There is a surprising amount of fat shaming on this thread though!

bakebeans · 17/07/2023 15:26

She sounds delightful!

Lilolil27 · 17/07/2023 17:26

Well said