Did I fat shame her?

[melonspritz]

Just posting to ask for some perspective

I’ve been accused of fat shaming someone but I honestly don’t think I did

im currently looking for a full loan for one of my horses (a 15hh Connemara). She was our showjumping horse but we are moving up to something bigger so was looking for a full loan home for her to do some general riding club things. She’s a great pony, bombproof and has taken us up the levels so we owe her a lot. I left an advert in the local tack shop and was contacted fairly quickly by a lot of people and had to weed through people that were unsuitable. I was contacted by someone who was looking for a mother daughter loan share for her and her young adult daughter. She was previously a very experienced rider but had taken some time out and was now back and riding at a riding school and her daughter had been riding for a while too. They were looking for something to hack, do small jumps and spoil with cuddles and attention etc. all sounded perfect. I sent them all the details about the horse and offered for them to come out and have a lesson on her to try her out. I double checked before this and asked specifically if there were anything else I should know that may make them unsuitable for her (by this I meant that they weren’t happy with the price or were actually more novicey than they were making out) and they said no she was exactly what they wanted and they were riding horses like her at the riding school

they came out and they were far,far too big for her. I knew as soon as I saw them the mum that she was too big, and I wasn’t certain about her daughter so had to awkwardly mention it and ask what weight she was as I will not go over the weight rules for my horse. Her daughter was way over it too. I had to politely and very awkwardly explain that it wasn’t suitable and I was really sorry. They went absolutely wild, saying I had fat shamed them and that I was a nasty cow and had made her daughter cry and I should have let them try her. They were furious and I had to ask them to leave the yard. I then received a string of abusive angry messages and voice notes which I’ve completely ignored but I feel really hurt and upset by it all. Then to top it off they went onto Facebook and absolutely tore into me for fat shaming them and being nasty. They’re still bloody messaging me today going wild about it all because apparently I discriminated against them because of their size and I fat shamed them

I’m not going to mention weights or numbers so as not to cause any offense but they were absolutely way over what was ok for my horse and ultimately she’s my priority. I wasn’t offensive as far as I can see but I had to be honest and I tried to be polite about it

I suppose I should have checked their weight before I came out but they said they were experienced riders so I assumed they would know they were far too big for a 15hh Connie. And they said they were riding similar horses at the riding school, I’ve since found out they’ve been riding Clydesdales and large cobs.

there’s nothing else really I can do other than move on and ignore it but it’s still incredibly hurtful to be slagged off on social media. I’ve just taken some time out to ignore it but it’s still really upset me and they’re still bloody messaging me calling me a nasty bitch and saying I fat shamed them. I don’t know how else I should have handled it though. Am I going crazy or did I do nothing wrong?!

AIBU?

They sound both cruel and ignorant if they were planning on riding a horse that is not up to taking their weight. My sister is on the larger side and she is very aware of the horses at the stables that she can’t ride and wouldn’t dream of putting them at risk of injury.

You did nothing wrong.
In the end they've done you a favour because if this is how they respond to a problem then they would have been nightmare loaners!!

For next time I would just put 11st weight limit or similar on the advert or arrange to meet them in a non-riding context first then make an excuse if they're too big.

For now though, just block them and don't give it any more headspace, you we're protecting your horse.

Some things do have weight limits; it’s just a fact of life. My loft ladder says not to be used by anyone over 100 kilos. Don’t think the manufacturer intended to be ‘fat shaming’.

It would possibly be wise to go against convention and put the weight restriction in the advert.

Definitely you are not unreasonable. They sound bonkers.

My friend recently advertised for a rider for her 14 hh Connie and stipulated under ten stone. IMO this needs to be more of a thing than it is.

If they continue to harass you, just get the police involved.

Not unreasonable at all. I have a 15.2 tb and wouldn't let anyone over 10.5st on her.
For future reference though I'd ask weight when filtering for suitable loaners, so:

What's your riding experience?
What do you want to do with horse?
What's your weight?

If the weight is then not suitable, you can just say you don't think they're a good match and you don't specifically have to reference the weight, just that overall the match isn't right. Much easier that way.

This pair were clearly not suitable and they were vv unreasonable to go all over social media to try to make you look bad.

I agree with including a weight limit in your advert though and go on the low side as people can underestimate their weight or put on a few pounds.

Good for you OP and I hope any other owners they approach tell them the same thing.

If they're that bothered they should lose some weight.

they are actually fat shaming themselves by ranting at you on social media. Everyone will be delving into their profile pics now.

as pp have said, post a comment that states your pony’s well-being is your priority. End of.

Of course you are not wrong. It's not fat shaming to explain something is factually unsuitable. I'm not a horsey person but it seems totally obvious that smaller horses would only be suitable to bear lighter/smaller riders. I have to say given that they were so sensitive and offended at you referring to their weight in astonished they are drawing more attention to it with social media posts! They don't sound like people who care much about horse welfare, so bullet dodged!

They sound unhinged and are just showing themselves up posting on facebook about it. They are cruel too, planning to ride a little horse they are too heavy for.
You should post about them to warn other horsey people about them.

FWW I've struggled with my weight (which fluctuates hugely as a result) all my life. I love riding and am always much happier with an upfront weight limit. It's so much easier and less embarrassing to rule myself out privately than to be told to my face.

To be fair though, in this scenario I would have asked upfront when I applied.

I know nothing about horses but two things jump out, the horses health and well-being is the absolute priority and that comes above anyones feelings and as someone else commented, people lie about the weight or will give you their lowest weight.

Most people weigh in first thing in a morning wearing undies or pjs where as when they go riding they will be have more water and food in them plus wearing a lot more clothes plus boots and a helmet so weight quite a bit more.

I would also worry about how they would actually care for the horse if they can’t understand why carrying around people that are too heavy for them is not a good thing

Good for you for protecting your horse

Any horse person worth their salt knows that horses have weight limits & if they are claiming otherwise then they are either in denial or certainly dont know enough about horses to be buying one

Even horse & hound is promoting the welfare issues of overweight riders causing horse lameness & back issues amongst other things & some saddles weigh 1.5 stone & that needs taken into account also

Any horse person reading their nasty posts on social media will be applauding you & thinking they are bellends who don't care about horses.

I know you dont want to enflame things but why not get someone you know to post or set up a separate fb account not with your name & post these Horse & Hound Articles = it won't change their mind as arguing with people rarely does but it may change the minds of those commenting on their posts & agreeing with them

https://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/three-counties-show-big-riders-asked-dismount-829775

https://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/suitably-mounted-group-tackle-issue-oversized-riders-830854

https://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/its-not-fat-shaming-its-horse-welfare-saddle-fitters-warning-on-damaging-effects-of-excess-rider-weight-742804

Horse owner here. Safety and welfare of horse and rider first. You stated facts not opinions or feelings. You did nothing wrong. Be proud for having high standards. If they want to interpret that as fat shaming thats their issues being impressioned and misplaced into this situation

They sound batshit and are very obviously not true horse lovers if they were willing to deliberately cause injury and suffering to your horse. It sounds like they know practically nothing about horses and that you and your horse dodged a bullet.

I gave up riding for a while when younger because I considered myself too heavy for most mounts and because I genuinely love horses and care about their well-being I wouldn't inflict my weight on any horse. My "rights" and "feelings" did not trump any horse's wellbeing.

They sound like nasty bullies who are in complete denial about how overweight they are and they should not be let anywhere near horses.

Well I'm sure people in the horse community will be on your side, knowing that carrying too much weight can harm a horse.

Its not fat shaming. I doubt they have done themselves any favours by slagging you off.
Like others have said , block them and if they continue to harrass you, speak to the police

Shouldn't be necessary, as riders with enough experience to buy or loan a horse will generally know if they are too heavy for, say, a 15hh connemara.

And frankly, some people are too heavy to ride at all.

Obviously though these people were idiots.

Back in the day, you used to hear a lot about "1 stone per hand" as a rough guide to appropriate weights for horses. Those rules seem to have shifted downwards now, even for native breeds who are generally quite solid and considered up to weight.

I wonder if the mum used to ride a long time ago was she working on that assumption and thought a 15hh Connemara would be up to weight?

call them two fat cows and off they go.

I mean obviously the weight of tack has to be factored in. But going by the old rule of one stone per hand, the max weight limit would be rather more than say 10 stone.

Completely agree that it's your horse and your rules though!

You didn't do or say anything untoward, you handled it as diplomatically as you could.

You’ve done nothing wrong, an experienced rider would have a reasonable idea what horses they were too heavy for and any horse lover would not want to ride on a horse they were too heavy for.

I’m a very amateur rider who is very aware that due to weight gain I am too heavy to ride right now and I’m not.

They were 100% unreasonable, if the mother didn't want her daughter to be ‘fat shamed’ she should have asked about weight limits before meeting you at the stables. They sound like they don't know a lot about horses either so not people you’d want to loan your horse out to.

As the OP said, it's not really the done thing.

If someone has enough experience of horses, they should know that there's a limit on the riders weight. If they don't know that, no shame, but they probably aren't really experienced enough to take on solo care of a horse.

I haven't ridden for many, many years, but I know that I'd be too big for a 15hh connemara.

The fact that they were willing to harm the horse tells you everything you need to know.

Your horse your rules.

Most of the riding schools round here have a 12stone weight limit which a traditional Connie who is fit and well should be able for though. So I’d understand if they were meeting the riding schools criteria why they would be shocked you considered them visibly big enough to say no to.

Still no excuse to bad mouth you across social media, you’re well clear of them if they’re going to do that even if they’d been 8 stone dripping wet. Imagine loaning to them - lucky escape!