DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Hi There!

My Dad was 50 and my Mum was 39 when I was conceived naturally (and not by accident).
I have no disabilities and was born healthy.
It sounds like you have the time and finances to have a child. But having a child is something you BOTH need to want so it sounds like you both need to have some discussions and have some time to think things through.
A lot of others suggested fostering or adopting and that could be a really great option as there are so many kids out there who could do with a good loving home.

old eggs and even older sperm, I wouldnt risk it!

Does anybody bother to read the OP's updates anymore?

You know in your heart what you want.

Seemingly not.

A no from me too. It’s too late now in my opinion.

Not only that, they have such a high opinion of their own contribution that it doesn’t occur to them that the same point has already been made 20+ times.

I don't understand parents who constantly worry.

@GeorgiaHunt Congratulations on your decision :)

Have a look at the Parents of Adult Children board.

Just had a look and still don't get it. My two adult kids are independent and are cracking on with life. I don't micromanage them and they live with the consequences of their decisions just like I do.🤷‍♀️

That's nice.

Op if you do want the love of a child in your life but don't want the pregnancy or a very young baby.
You could consider adoption, sibling sets can be hard to place but it'd something that you'd both have to want.

I think that would be more rewarding than to do short term or respite fostering.

She doesn’t want a baby. Nor does her husband really, it was just a mid life wobble. Read the updates.

He can of course wish for a baby, however if you don’t that’s a significant problem
As I see it your options are
you don’t have baby, remain together as a couple
you don’t have a baby and don’t remain together as a couple
have a baby,remain together as a couple,happy parents
have a baby, it strains relationship you split up
you split he has a baby with someone else
you split he doesn’t have a baby with anyone

There is no right or wrong. I had my youngest at 40. What I have seen over the last few years is that many children, in my youngest school class have parents who now suffer terrible illness. There is no escaping that age is a huge factor in this. A close family member died suddenly at 45, 3 years later his wife got cancer and died before 50. As a result their children are now without parents. Thankfully, they were in their 20s as their parents had them young but it completely broke me. If that was my family, my youngest would have lost his dad at 5, then 3 years later, at 8, he would have lost his mum too. I can not bear thinking about it. My youngest has a little girl in his class who has just lost her dad, at 4. Another little boy, same class, has a mum who has just found out her bc has reoccured. These children are so young. It is devastating.

I'm going to go against the grain.

If you both want a baby, and you're both fit and healthy then I do not see why not.

40 isn't actually that old to give birth these days.

It sounds like he has changed his mind because financially, you're in a great place to provide for a child. And let's be honest, you really are. Conversely, you often have 18 years old having babies with no job or place to live. They end up in social housing with a child growing up in poverty.

I had my baby at 30. I genuinely wouldn't have wanted to become a mum earlier. I got my education. I had a great career and earned very well. I was well travelled. My husband the same. I feel like all of this has given my child a much better upbringing than someone without those things.

When I was pregnant my midwife told me that she had loads of charges that were 35 and over. But very few who were younger than 25. I asked because she made a joke about the term "geriatric pregnancy". Apparently there's been a significant shift in the way women view motherhood and their own goals in life. A quick Google will show you.

There are plenty of test and checks you can do now, both before TTC and during pregnancy. If it's what you both really want I'd go for it.

I wish ppl would read ALL the OP's posts / updates BEFORE posting!! 🙄

I did read the updates, she doesn't want a baby but would like a Waltons / Disney family and would consider respite Foster.

Adoption would probably be less work in the long term than dealing with unsettled foster kids. And a sibling set would be a ready made family skipping the baby stages.

I had my DD at 35 so not far off you and no issues .. she’s 8 now and I couldn’t do it all again though don’t have the energy. Have you thought about fostering ?

Adopting a sibling set to create a ready made family is one thing, but it’s not for the faint hearted. I know a family who adopted siblings and they are dealing with attachment and behavioural issues, SEN and foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (diagnosed as autism, but it’s FASD). They obviously adore their children but it’s a fraught road with a lot of worry.

I think it very much depends on having an open and honest discussion with your husband. I was 41 when I had my second٫ and my husband was 50. My first was 17 when her sister arrived.
We had decided no more kids early on in our relationship٫ but I changed my mind when I was in my late 30's. We ended up needing IVF due to a previously unknown medical issue with my husband.
Our daughter is now 9 and without a doubt the best thing we ever did.
It's bloody hard work whatever age you do it at!
Pregnancy٫ labour٫ sleepless nights etc are part and parcel of most parenting journeys and I didn't find much difference doing it in my 20's or 40's.
There was also the bonus of being more financially secure and being in a healthier relationship٫ as well as having the confidence which comes with age when i had the wee one٫ and I wouldn't change it for the world.
You do what's right for you

Somebody already said that.

I was 40 and my husband 43 when we had our daughter. All went well and I am so glad she came into our life!

I don't think he understands what he is asking of you.