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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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AlmostThere2023 · 17/07/2023 15:53

I can give you some perspective from the child (now adult child’s perspective). My DH father was in his 50s when he was born, v late baby. His DF was fit and active and remained so well in to life. However, DH was as a teen slightly embarrassed to have such an elderly father compared to his friends, no matter how fit he was, age was evident. He also felt that he was not very close to his DF due to the age difference, significant generational differences, very little in the way of shared interest. He did love his DF but I do think if he had a choice he would have wished for a younger dad. It’s not to say that this will be the case if you & DH go ahead but possibly something to consider. You & DH could live long & happy lives, getting to see grandchildren and have a close relationship with DC.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/07/2023 15:58

I wouldn’t have wanted a baby at 40. Those early years are very physical.

I had my 2 and 30 and 35 respectively, and wouldn’t have wanted to be any older at the baby stage.

Each to their own of course - I missed out on having any time with both the money and time to enjoy being child free.

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:14

If you really wants kids, adopt. You can adopt older kids so the age gap isn't so great.

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:18

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:14

If you really wants kids, adopt. You can adopt older kids so the age gap isn't so great.

Hope that's what you did.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 17/07/2023 16:21

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:14

If you really wants kids, adopt. You can adopt older kids so the age gap isn't so great.

what a wonderful idea. People with no experience of kids, who aren’t really sure they even want them should definitely taken on an older child with a traumatic past and all the problems that come from that. What could possibly go wrong. 🤪

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/07/2023 16:29

I'm 60, childfree, and with every passing week am more and more happy with my decision to skip parenthood. No doubt it has its rewarding moments but the downsides are huge.

Your husband is too old to start parenthood; it's not fair to a prospective human being to have an elderly parent.

You have a really nice life and lots of freedom; why botch it up? What would he do if the child were profoundly disabled? Read some of the threads here about people with teenagers or older who are doubly incontinent, violent, and unhappy. It is not outside the realm of possibility esp with two parents at somewhat advanced ages.

If he has a nurturing instinct, there are plenty of existing human beings, child and adult, who desperately need that. Volunteering with them might be one outlet for him.

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:31

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:18

Hope that's what you did.

Show quote history

First of all, why would you hope that, and secondly, yes I did. What is your point exactly?

Wigglewigglewitch · 17/07/2023 16:31

I am 44 and my teenagers have drained every last ounce of energy and patience from me. 37/38 I might have considered a third as DP and I don’t have children together. But I’m glad now we didn’t, as our kids are getting older. However, this is from someone who spent their mid 20s onwards parenting, so you might feel very differently about the prospect about starting in the journey.

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:34

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:31

First of all, why would you hope that, and secondly, yes I did. What is your point exactly?

Show quote history

My point is we shouldn't go around telling people to adopt if they really want kids unless we are happy to do that too.

As it turn out, you were happy to do that, so all is good. Smile

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:35

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 17/07/2023 16:21

what a wonderful idea. People with no experience of kids, who aren’t really sure they even want them should definitely taken on an older child with a traumatic past and all the problems that come from that. What could possibly go wrong. 🤪

Show quote history

Firstly, most people who become parents have no experience of kids prior, including people who adopt, and including people who adopt older kids. If they're not sure they want kids, then obviously don't adopt, duh, but if the issue, if they decide they do want kids but, as the woman appears to be saying, don't want to have a baby at 40 or 50, then yes, if you want kids, adoption seems to be a reasonable option.

Inkyblue123 · 17/07/2023 16:35

I had a healthy baby in my 40s. But it is really hard when you have no family to support you and no friends with kids the same age, it’s relentless and even something as simple as going for a swim turn into a logistical nightmare. You maybe able to do it biologically but do you really want to? Would you consider fostering ? There are plenty of kids, particularly teenagers in need of a home

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 16:37

@TeenDivided I'm curious what your take would be on someone who didn't adopt, but would have done if they didn't have/couldn't have biological children?

I'm not averse to the idea of adopting (and have previously discussed it with DH) and this is the route I'd have gone down if I couldn't have had biological children (wouldn't have done IVF or anything first)

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:39

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:34

My point is we shouldn't go around telling people to adopt if they really want kids unless we are happy to do that too.

As it turn out, you were happy to do that, so all is good. Smile

Show quote history

Well, i think it is fine to suggest adoption to people who want kids. I don't think one has to have done this oneself to realise that this is a potential option?

paulthepython · 17/07/2023 16:40

You absolutely could, if you wanted to. People have babies in their 40s all the time, you would be well looked after (extra scans etc) and you could spend so much time with your baby with not needing to work that I think that advantage would outstrip youth. Societal pressure shouldnt come into this though - it has to be what you want. Thinking the ship has sailed is different to deciding you didn't want any so think it through afresh. You shouldn't feel pressured, if its a no because you actually don't want them then it's a no...but if you would love it if you were 10 years younger then do it, because you're only 40! And no one knows how much time they have. I have friends who lost their parents young and I have friends whose parents are in their 90s, it's painful to lose a parent no matter what your age but it doesn't make u wish u didn't have them. Do what's right for u x

TeenDivided · 17/07/2023 16:42

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 16:37

@TeenDivided I'm curious what your take would be on someone who didn't adopt, but would have done if they didn't have/couldn't have biological children?

I'm not averse to the idea of adopting (and have previously discussed it with DH) and this is the route I'd have gone down if I couldn't have had biological children (wouldn't have done IVF or anything first)

I'd not have an issue. It's what we did.

It's only when it is given in a way that makes it seem like an 'easy option' that I get a bit spikey (probably unnecessarily).

Adopting has been one of the best things I've done, but also massively hard at times, especially as my DC each hit late teens.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 17/07/2023 16:44

NK572a3d19X11e7ef5ddf9 · 17/07/2023 16:35

Firstly, most people who become parents have no experience of kids prior, including people who adopt, and including people who adopt older kids. If they're not sure they want kids, then obviously don't adopt, duh, but if the issue, if they decide they do want kids but, as the woman appears to be saying, don't want to have a baby at 40 or 50, then yes, if you want kids, adoption seems to be a reasonable option.

Show quote history

Not having experience and having a baby that you grow and learn with is very different from taking on an older child who may potentially have a lot of past trauma, behavioural issues etc etc.

the OP stated she didn’t really want children so suggesting adoption really wasn’t an appropriate piece of advice. Adopting is probably harder than having a baby of your own. Adopting an older child should really be done by someone who has experience of dealing with children with ND, behavioural issues, trauma and so on. Doesn’t sound as if the OP or her husband do. It would I have been a disaster.

don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful thing for some people, but would likely be totally the wrong thing for the OP and her DH to do.

Abbie22222 · 17/07/2023 16:47

Your life sounds lovely, I'm not sure I'd be in a rush to add a baby to it! My husband is nearly 50 and he struggles with finding the energy to run around after our toddler (as do I at nearly 40 tbh)
As a pp said, the biological clock works in strange ways, and if that's how he's feeling then it's good that he feels comfortable enough to tell you. Maybe suggest that if he still feels that way in 6 months then you can have a proper conversation around it... my guess is he'll be over it by then and you can carry on as you are.

Kate0902900908 · 17/07/2023 16:53

a lady I know was in very similar situation.
they made an agreement they would try for 2 years if it happened it happened. It did and they have a beautiful son. 43,54.
could this work as an agreement between you?

ExperiencedTeacher · 17/07/2023 17:01

Lottapianos · 15/07/2023 08:28

Why are people suggesting adoption or fostering? Neither are parenting-lite options for people who just aren't sure about the process of having a baby biologically. Far from it

Thank you for this! I’m an adoptive parent and it is very very far from the easy route, despite our child coming to us from a very young age with a relatively straightforward care experience. It saddens me that people are so naive about adoption that they’d suggest it to someone unsure whether they want to be a parent.

Baba197 · 17/07/2023 17:05

I had my son at almost 42, a friend who is same age had 1 with her partner who was 55 at the time, I wouldn’t let age put you off but I think it’s something to discuss and see if you both want it. As a woman most of the childcare will fall to you- even if that’s not the plan, it almost always ends up that way so you have to be totally onboard plus it’s exhausting amd will totally change your life. I had several miscarriages before my son, it took 5yrs and ivf to have him and he’s the best thing in my life but I really wanted a baby and couldn’t see my life without being a mum and adoption wasn’t for me

Silvered · 17/07/2023 17:06

Kate0902900908 · 17/07/2023 16:53

a lady I know was in very similar situation.
they made an agreement they would try for 2 years if it happened it happened. It did and they have a beautiful son. 43,54.
could this work as an agreement between you?

OP has already updated and said that her H had a small wobble but they are both happy as they are staying childfree.

Grimbelina · 17/07/2023 17:09

The increased risk of SN etc. in real terms is very low. Lots of women have healthy babies in their 40's with husbands in their 50's too (we did) and have the energy to raise them (I don't think that I do...!). The real issue is that it seems your gut feeling is that you don't want to do this... which is fine. You may need some marriage counselling to unpack all of this for your husband though. Perhaps it is some kind of mid-life crisis?

Topsyturveymam · 17/07/2023 17:11

I had my son in my early 40’s but my husband was 6 years younger than me. I am full of energy while my husband less so, despite being younger. So it’s not all about the age but levels of fitness etc.
I love being a mum but it was a huge change. You have to really want it. Most of my life is now about my son. Motherhood brings huge rewards but my goodness it’s hard work, you have to be selfless and put your child first.
If you don’t absolutely want this, you should not do it. There is nothing wrong with having a child free life x

londonrach · 17/07/2023 17:15

Do you want a baby. I had my DD naturally at 41, easy pregnancy, bright child but both DH and I really wanted her and it not happened then it did. If you don't want a baby that's your answer.

TheABC · 17/07/2023 17:15

I'm 42 with a 10 and 7 year old. It was a shock to the system having babies at 30 - the idea of doing it at 50 fills me with horror. Point out to him that most of his contemporaries will have done kids it in their thirties, so their kids will be teenagers/adults whilst he will be at the nappies stage. At best.