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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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5
Version4needsabitofwork · 17/07/2023 20:04

I turned 50 last year and psychologically, it hit me like a truck. It's no surprise that your husband had a wobble, it's a wobbly old time. I hope you can both find peace, sounds like you have a great life togehter.

FWIW I had my son aged 41 and for me, it's been an incredible experience. He was a much wanted baby and after two miscarriages I was overjoyed that he arrived safely. I took him to see his favourite band for his tenth birthday last week, and he spent most of the 3 hour gig on my shoulders. His energy keeps me young and despite a 41 year age gap, we lots in common. It's not easy and I'm certainly more tired than I would have been if I'd have had him when I was 30, but life sends you curve balls sometimes. I wouldn't change a thing and despite having an old git as a mum, I suspect he wouldn't either.

Lottapianos · 17/07/2023 20:05

'It saddens me that people are so naive about adoption that they’d suggest it to someone unsure whether they want to be a parent.'

Absolutely. It's like some people just cannot imagine that a couple could be happy and fine without kids. So 'just' foster / adopt! It's ridiculous and very irresponsible

classylassie · 17/07/2023 20:16

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/07/2023 14:58

Yet another thread where @MNHQ really, really need to let OPs either pin their update post or add an update to the OP.

Right? I wish there was a button that OP’s could click that said problem has been resolved no need for further pointless opinions

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/07/2023 20:21

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/07/2023 19:39

Somebody already said that.

Show quote history

Ha. Touché.

Grapewrath · 17/07/2023 20:23

It sounds as though you have a lovely life and that ship has sailed. I’m glad your husband was happy to reconsider.

CM1897 · 17/07/2023 20:28

KimberleyClark · 17/07/2023 15:25

The Op doesn’t want a baby. And it was just a mid life wobble for her husband, he doesn’t actually want one other.

Show quote history

How do you know he doesn’t, have you met him? He may really want one, but we haven’t asked him

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 20:32

DH has spent a few hours today planning and booking a mountain biking trip in Switzerland, I'm off to South America with friends next month (two friends will be leaving their leaving their teenagers at home!) so I'm very relieved DH is done and dusted with his wobble...

Again, I do appreciate all the opinions and perspectives, thank you, and to the many posters that have reminded me that fostering and adoption does indeed exist...of course, these are options we can always consider (with the amount of gravitas they deserve) in the future!

OP posts:
Mazza7412 · 17/07/2023 20:39

I don’t actually think 40 is too old to have a child. I had my last at nearly 40 and my husband was nearly 50.
if you want children, a loving, caring supportive family is what a child needs. I know much younger families that don’t do as much as we do with their children. Age isn’t always the factor.
I think it boils down to if you want to have children or not. Yes, more risk the older you get, but again I know someone in their 30’s and child was born with genetic developmental issues.

Have an honest sit down chat. Good luck

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 20:42

CM1897 · 17/07/2023 20:28

How do you know he doesn’t, have you met him? He may really want one, but we haven’t asked him

Show quote history

@KimberleyClark is quite right and is going by my updates - in the course of our chat, DH talked about so many things eg. where these feelings had come from.

I won't bore the thread with the details but suffice to say he's absolutely happy with the status quo, and he's just been reflecting a lot since turning 50, completely understandably!

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 17/07/2023 20:42

OP is planning to hike the Inca trail, her DH is off to eat fondue, and posters are still urging children on her.😂

Horatiosmum · 17/07/2023 20:45

I had my first baby at 37 without trying and my second at 40 with no complications and a completely natural and easy birth. If you want to try for one, do it, if you dont will you both be thinking what if? . My husband will have a 14 year old and a 16 year old when he is 60. He never wanted children but we have ended up having them and he is a great dad.

It's also brilliant being an older parent as we have more life skills, we are on the whole more financially stable and we have spent a lot of time enjoying ourselves.

You can find a million excuses not to do somthing IF you really don't want to do it, so be honest with yourself and your partner.

Fayegirl · 17/07/2023 20:52

Luxell934 · 15/07/2023 07:36

Have you thought about adopting/fostering? It seems like you have a lot of time and love to give.

I was just going to say this also, this might be a way of fulfilling some of his needs for children while also giving back. There are so many children that need short term and long term foster placements and it sounds like you have time and resources. You can start by offering weekend respite for other foster carers.

tommyhoundmum · 17/07/2023 21:41

I became the guardian of a toddler at 56 and never looked back. I'm 76 now and she is 20. We get on fine. There are other ways of becoming parents. It is hard at times but if you have the time then it can work out well.

TheSilentSister · 17/07/2023 21:41

I'm glad you've agreed OP. Now you have to put it behind you and not dwell on it.
I had my first and only at 41 with my DH a few yrs older. Turns out he wasn't cut out for parenthood. My opinion I know but I think men become more 'entitled/selfish/self-centred' as they get older. Having a child in the mix doesn't always work, too much adjustment compared to what comes naturally to mothers.
I'm so glad and grateful everyday that I had my DC and I only know now what I would have missed. They have enriched my life so much. It doesn't have to be an end to a carefree lifestyle, just a new beginning.

User68253 · 17/07/2023 21:43

I don't think it it too old at all, women have always had babies at this age, just not usually their first until more recent years. But you don't sound in the least bit interested in the idea, so I don't think you should.

KimberleyClark · 17/07/2023 21:44

Lentilweaver · 17/07/2023 20:42

OP is planning to hike the Inca trail, her DH is off to eat fondue, and posters are still urging children on her.😂

It’s so utterly bizarre.

TheSilentSister · 17/07/2023 21:47

OP posted, so I guess she's testing the waters - what do people think based on their lifestyle etc. If she was completely comfortable and it wasn't an issue, then why post?

VintageBlossomHill · 17/07/2023 21:57

No advice to give - just wanted to say that you sound like utterly lovely person with a lovely life. Enjoy South America

Sugarfree23 · 17/07/2023 22:00

TheSilentSister · 17/07/2023 21:47

OP posted, so I guess she's testing the waters - what do people think based on their lifestyle etc. If she was completely comfortable and it wasn't an issue, then why post?

Exactly and foster is something that she had also considered reading her earlier posts.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 22:00

TheSilentSister · 17/07/2023 21:47

OP posted, so I guess she's testing the waters - what do people think based on their lifestyle etc. If she was completely comfortable and it wasn't an issue, then why post?

I can see why you wonder this!

I posted because DH and I agreed, way back when, that we'd try for children if one/both of us decided we really wanted to.

It's difficult to have an unbiased objective opinion myself, so I was grateful to gather advice as to whether I was being unreasonable in thinking our agreement had 'expired' - as I assumed it had!

It was really helpful to see so many varied replies and experiences, and to consider things from all sides.

OP posts:
Cloudofunknowing · 17/07/2023 22:01

It sounds like you don't want dc op. It is a very personal choice and I admire people who make the choice either way. I had dc later and it is not something I regret but it is something I wanted (and wished I'd had them earlier but circumstances did not allow).

Just as a side note...what volunteering do you do that motivates you for 5 days of the week? I am currently exploring volunteering options and looking for ideas.

Original poster
GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 22:07

Sugarfree23 · 17/07/2023 22:00

Exactly and foster is something that she had also considered reading her earlier posts.

Show quote history

Yes it's definitely been in the back of my mind, probably though an idealised version where teenagers pop to us, to have a lovely weekend and we're like a friendly older great aunt and uncle, offering cake and bike rides...

Somehow with this view I don't think we'd be approved 🤔

OP posts:
IsabellesMum2022 · 17/07/2023 22:08

I had my daughter at 41! She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t know what I was missing until the day she arrived.

ExperiencedTeacher · 17/07/2023 22:17

Hi OP. It is possible to be an independent visitor for a child in care, which may give you/your DH the connection with a child you value without the relentless responsibility of fostering/parenting.

https://ivnetwork.org.uk/become-an-iv/

Become an Independent Visitor | National IV Network

An Independent Visitor (IV) is a volunteer who visits and befriends a child or young person living in care once a month.

https://ivnetwork.org.uk/become-an-iv/

Sugarfree23 · 17/07/2023 22:22

GeorgiaHunt · 17/07/2023 22:07

Yes it's definitely been in the back of my mind, probably though an idealised version where teenagers pop to us, to have a lovely weekend and we're like a friendly older great aunt and uncle, offering cake and bike rides...

Somehow with this view I don't think we'd be approved 🤔

Show quote history

You do sound like you have a heck of a lot to give children. I think you should give it some serious thought.
Not all children end up in care because of abuse and neglect, some do end up there due to bereavement and maybe grandparents aren't fit enough to be full-time parents.

I can certainly see why you would want to skip the early years esp when DH is already 50.