DH suddenly wants kids

[GeorgiaHunt]

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

Let me tell you a bit about our situation. We adopted two siblings who were 4 and 2 when I was 49 and DH was 54. So, obviously the medical problems of giving birth over 40 didn't come into it. We are definitely 'older parents' and are probably 10 years older than most other mums and dads we know. However we have never felt rejected or dismissed by others. We are both fairly fit and are now retired with 2 children in their 20s. It has been the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life, I was old enough and tough enough to stand up for our children. We don't have the financial security like you and still have a mortgage but certainly wouldn't swap our life for any fancy holidays.

Hi, can you tell me if this is only for over 25s or would younger adults be able to volunteer?

I volunteer for Shout (a crisis text line service, like the Samaritans but text) which is entirely home based, made lots of friends with so many different people around the UK, but my main two out of the house 'roles' are helping at a woman's crisis center, very tough but rewarding, and the second is doing shifts at a local community shop - it's a great hub where anyone in the surrounding area comes together, from mums just needing to get out the house to lonely widowed pensioners, it's a great place for contact and support.

I also help out with maintenance at a local nature reserve during the summer, and volunteer two Saturdays a month at my closest Parkrun.

Volunteering is incredible if you're able to do it, you can try anything and everything and see what you enjoy the most.

For me, flexibility is key, and variety. I run a lot (half marathons mostly, a few marathons) so I value being able to book these and volunteer around other things. Finding things that fit, really helps.

Over the winter when I have less to do (no nature reserve or races) I take on one or two foster dogs until they're re-homed. It's my favourite part of Christmas, having a dog but without the permanent responsibility!

Go for it! You'll be young for your age because you've not had kids yet. And you are not too old at all!! Honestly I'd go for it. They'll keep you young.

Sorry, I don’t know much about it- I’ve only got experience through my role at work. My husband has looked to do it as well but he’s over 25. Might be worth contacting your local authority.

You’re saying that OP is young for her she because she’s not had kids yet, but in the same breath saying kids will keep her young, You’re contradicting yourself.

Anyway OP does not want kids. Which you’d know if you’d read her updates.

Op is it not hard handing the dogs back?

Not at all! They only leave to go to their 'forever home' and luckily every single one over the years has been a sucessesful placement, it's great getting the pictures and updates afterwards from the new owners.

Usually I take them in November and if I still have them in January, by then I'm looking forward to a long break from poo picking, having a hairy house and walking in the rain!

@GeorgiaHunt I absolutely love your thinking, dog for the winter. I bet lots of dog carers would much rather have them in spring, when the nights get longer and the weather gets better.

If you don't want children that's OK but 40 and 50 isn't that old these days. If you are both fit and healthy and both want it then go for it. My husband and I took a no pressure approach. Let nature take her coarse, a kind of If its it be it'll be.

Sorry I commented prematurely. Having read your replies I'd guess this is your husband's "I'd really like a child" but he's such a kind gentle soul he doesn't want to upset you. 40 isn't old. 50 isn't old for a father. There are things you can do in life and places you can go and sights you can see but making a baby with your person (planned and loved and factored in) is honestly thee most amazing thing you will ever do in your life time 😊

If he's interested in parenting, what about looking into fostering a child? Let both of you get a chance to see what it would be like before you decide.

Fostering a vulnerable child as an experiment? Yeah, great.

Hi, I just wanted to add an objective view, to those that say 40 is too old for a child, as a lot of those responding clearly had their own children much younger, so are speaking from that perspective.

I live in London, have a very good career, had my first child at 35 and am pregnant with second now at 38. I was one of the youngest in my NCT group of 10 women and one of the earliest of my London friends to have kids.

Most of my school friends had kids in their 20s and would absolutely also say that they wouldn’t want more at my current age.

However, it totally works for me and 40 absolutely isn’t a weirdly old age to be having a first child around where I live in a nice affluent part of London, where people aren’t settled into their careers / owning decent sized homes into their very late 30s.

A lot of my friends / colleagues had their first at 40 and are now having their second in early 40s and most have had very healthy pregnancies and all have happy, healthy babies (a lot their partners are older too).

I do think you have to be fully committed though. I think that’s a far bigger question, than age. I always wanted children and my love my daughter to bits, but babies are very hard and sometimes boring work and it’s a major life adjustment to have plans made around a little person (and I say that as someone who used to travel loads and have a very good social lifestyle, lots of time for fitness etc). My partner and I haven’t minded “giving that up”, but I was fully into the decision to begin with.

I think you need to fully understand your partner’s motivation, but I wouldn’t be signing up to completely change you life unless you really want to.

Best of luck with whatever you do decide but don’t be put off solely because of your ages!

Words can’t express how bad an idea this is.

OP herself has acknowledged how difficult a route fostering would be and what a huge responsibility it is.

why do people continue to suggest this?

But I'm sure if I enquire about fostering and tell them we just fancy trying before I buy, that they'd be delighted and I'd sail through the rigorous application, no?

OP, after reading about your great life, I will personally come over and kick you if you change any of it!

TBH, my DC are grown and I don't have too bad a life myself, same age as your DH. I also volunteer and travel on my own and with DH. But I am very conscious that one part of my mind is always trying to solve whatever problems DC have, and one of them has many problems at the moment. To be fair, they also bring a lot of joy and laughs. But it is a lifelong responsibility in a way. And that's with NT DC.

Loved your reply, thank you!

A friend once said to me that she heard a saying: "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child" that really resonated with her and she said it was quite true.
Other friends have said the same over the years, especially as their children get older. I can't imagine what that's like to carry.

I know posters have said the joy of children is amazing, I don't know what I'm missing and they don't regret their children which is wonderful, but for me I suppose I just think, well, I don't know any different to this childfree life and I feel very lucky and happy.

And I definitely don't want to be kicked 😆

"You're only as happy as your unhappiest child"

This is absolutely true. I didn't appreciate the full impact of this before I had DC. My parents, for instance, seemed to be perfectly placid most of the time. But parenting has changed a great deal and one of my DC was very affected by the pandemic, which I couldn't predict or control or do much about. I just have to wait until she gets back on track. In the meantime, I am trying to step back and resist the urge to fix everything.

Also, no one has mentioned climate change. If I were having DC now, I would be thinking long and hard about that.

Op you sound like a lovely person who gives a lot to your community.

Other things I’ve heard/read on here are “it’s like having your heart walking around outside your body” and “the highest highs but the lowest lows”. So I guess the worry is a big thing.

Over the winter when I have less to do (no nature reserve or races) I take on one or two foster dogs until they're re-homed. It's my favourite part of Christmas, having a dog but without the permanent responsibility!

we also love having lots of dogs in our lives without actually owning one. We have my DB’s Labrador staying with us at the moment - we took him and his two friends from across the road for a walk yesterday - and will shortly be looking after a friend’s chihuahua for three weeks while they go to Australia.

I had a baby 9 days before my 39th birthday. It was absolute hell on my body. I'm 45 now and even though he is the light of my life, I cannot keep up with him physically. Birthing babies is a young woman's job. I don't say this with any disrespect. 40 years of age isn't "old". But babies, toddlers and children are relentless..... forever! And forever is a looooooonnnnggggggggg time. Good luck xxx

Fostering dogs around Christmas time sounds like a great thing to do.