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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I did nothing wrong and was actually very nice?

172 replies

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:00

I’m currently working abroad and living in a staff house with 2 other women (we’re all 30s professional's in a niché sector, not teenagers on a gap year for context!). We are only in mainland Europe and go home on weekends to see our families. We see each other at work but usually only briefly due to working different shift patterns, we’re all going home permanently in early August.

Will call one colleague Helen and one Miranda. I arrived 2 weeks after Helen and Miranda, my post got delayed due to a family crisis, we all knew OF each other but hadn’t met before. When I arrived last month they had already bonded quite well due to their kids sharing the same hobbies and being from the same part of the UK, so my arrival was always going to be a ‘3 is a crowd’ situation but I didn’t really care, I was there to work and was happy with just being friendly with them. They did make a nice effort to include me though and we had film evenings etc and evening trips together to see the local area/culture. We've all had cries about missing our DC at some point and have all supported each other through that.

Miranda has unfortunately become the victim of prolonged sexual harassment by a man who is a resident in an apartment in the complex opposite our staff home. He waits for her in the morning on her walk to and from work and knows full well none of us drive to work. Miranda smokes and he without fail approaches her every time she goes out. The behaviour has ramped up recently, with him chasing Miranda halfway to work shouting at her to come back. Miranda is, of course, absolutely terrified and me and Helen have been very supportive and one of us always walks her to work and meets her when she finishes a shift. Local police are aware but don’t seem bothered and say they can’t do anything until the man actually assaults Miranda, which I think is disgusting.

Yesterday was a rare occasion where me and Helen were both working the same shift, with Miranda being at home. We were both worried but Miranda insisted she’d just stay in and of course keep all the doors locked, promising to let one of us know if something happened. Helen had her lunch break first then I went on mine. Helen’s phone was left in the break room when she went back on shift, and I was quite shocked she’d forget it considering the Miranda situation. A few minutes later I was concerned when I noticed Miranda calling Helen’s phone. I’d never usually look at somebody else’s phone, but with Helen not being present, I decided to answer in case Miranda was in immediate danger.

Miranda was hyperventilating down the phone, and begging for me to put Helen on. I explained that Helen had gone back on shift and I didn’t know where in the huge building she would be by now. Miranda explained she had decided to nip out for some food but the bloke had come out onto the forecourt as she was leaving the house and started running towards her shouting, so she was now back in the apartment with the doors locked and didn’t know if he was outside but that it was quiet. I, in no uncertain terms, told Miranda to call the police ASAP and she said no, she wanted to see Helen first and that she reckoned the bloke had gone. The facility we work in is huge and it could’ve taken me ages to find Helen, so I said quite firmly to Miranda that I was coming home in case he was outside. Miranda then got quite nasty with me and said “What are you going to even be able to do? I want Helen.” I was quite upset by this butI let it go though because she was terrified and I could understand her wanting the friend she was closer to, so I go to find Helen.

Track down Helen about 15 minutes later who quickly speaks to our line manager then rushes home to see Miranda, and takes the rest of the day off to look after Miranda on the manager’s say so. In that time she supports Miranda in making a police statement. When I get home, they both immediately ask me to sit down and chastise me for answering Helen’s phone. I felt ganged up on and put on the spot. I was stunned and explained to Miranda that I had done it in case she was in danger, which she was, and pointed out that I was hurt she got so angry at my suggestion that I was coming back to see her instead of wasting time trying to track Helen down whilst the bloke could be trying to break into our house, and Miranda promptly went off to bed in a huff and Helen went for a walk. This morning neither of were speaking to me. I’ve worked all day and am currently in the airport to get my flight home for the weekend, but I’m getting a London flight and they are getting a different one together to a different UK city to see their own families there, which I’m relieved about because I couldn’t stand the image of them giving me daggers in the boarding lounge, it was bad enough running into them in the coffee shop before security where I approached them to wish them a safe flight home and a nice weekend with their families and got ignored. Will be boarding soon so won’t reply for a while but I genuinely want opinions of others because I can’t understand why they are being so nasty. I also accept the risk they may be MNetters but I don’t think it’s particularly likely. And if I’m wrong, well I’ll have to face the awkwardness for the 2 weeks remaining of the arrangement.

I feel shocked and now I just cannot wait for this work arrangement to be over. AIBU to think I didn’t do anything wrong?

OP posts:
MinistryOfTragic · 14/07/2023 20:07

I don't understand their reactions, you did the right thing. I would have done the same, and appreciated you for it if I'd have been Miranda. I'm sorry they have treated you like that.

VeridicalVagabond · 14/07/2023 20:08

I don't think you did anything wrong, no. You were trying to help and now they're both being disproportionately nasty to you. I can understand Miranda being irrational in the moment, she was scared and humans can be very irrational when scared. But having a pop at you afterwards was uncalled for.

I personally wouldn't be helping her anymore with this stalker situation once you get back though, since she clearly doesn't appreciate it. Let Helen be the one putting herself in danger walking her to and from everywhere. Ignore the pair of them and focus on work and getting to August so you can go home for good.

Ohthiscantbeit · 14/07/2023 20:08

This

Ohthiscantbeit · 14/07/2023 20:09

I don't understand their reactions, you did the right thing. I would have done the same, and appreciated you for it if I'd have been Miranda. I'm sorry they have treated you like that.

sorry this

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 14/07/2023 20:11

You did nothing wrong, OP. You were simply acting out of concern for another person. 💐

phoenixrosehere · 14/07/2023 20:12

YANBU

I’m all for not answering someone’s phone without their permission but considering the circumstances, it was a good thing you did and what a decent person would do.

Perhaps after the trauma she has endured and she is in a better mental state, she will realise you did the right thing and it could have been far worse. You’re the scapegoat at the moment because you’re not as close as they are and it’s easier to be upset with you than her friend for leaving her phone about and knowing the situation.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2023 20:14

They sound like a pair of arseholes.

NoSquirrels · 14/07/2023 20:16

It’s not you, OP. I’m sure Miranda was frightened but she - and now also Helen - are taking it out on you. Not cool. I’m sorry they’ve been unpleasant to you.

Weird situation all round though, especially the phone left in the break room.

AgnesX · 14/07/2023 20:16

The pair of them sound like a right pair of drama queens.

If Miranda was really that bothered she wouldn't behaved the way she did

wutheringkites · 14/07/2023 20:19

This whole situation is nuts. Be polite but distant with them from now on.

JazzyBBG · 14/07/2023 20:20

Are they more than friends? Only explanation I can think of.

frazzledasarock · 14/07/2023 20:21

I’m with everyone else. Knowing the situation with Miranda I’d have done the same as you did.
What would Miranda have done had nobody answered the phone? She doesn’t sound rational at all refusing to call the police or have the immediate person or you go to help her.

the pair of them sound batshit. I’d be wondering if they’ve been bitching about you via text and were worried you’d seen the messages.

and everything VeridicalVagabond said.

ignore the pair of them completely beyond a civil hi bye and don’t bother with Miranda. Helen can stick with her wherever she goes stay out of it from now.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 14/07/2023 20:21

They are ridiculous and you did the right thing. Give them a wide berth when you are back together for the 2 weeks. Don’t waste any more brain space on them.

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 20:22

You did nothing wrong. In fact you did everything right. Fuck them. Seriously. They are bullying you. Women can be victims of men's sexual harassment and also be very nasty to other women. You need to stand up for yourself. Maybe a well thought out text message?

Curseofthenation · 14/07/2023 20:24

They're an odd pair. YANBU.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 14/07/2023 20:24

They both sound like drama llamas.

Champgal · 14/07/2023 20:26

Although its awkward now, just get on with it and focus on your job. Its a shame they reacted that way but I would say you have had a lucky escape as they sound like a pair of mutters who you wouldn't want as friends in the long term.

Bibonelove · 14/07/2023 20:27

Youve done nothing wrong

TRexTara · 14/07/2023 20:27

Get placed with different people. Leave those two silly bitches to it. They are being really horrible to you.

Mars27 · 14/07/2023 20:28

I can understand their reactions being disproportionate and that they didn't handle the situation very well. But I would hate someone answering my phone. Some 20+ years ago when we only had brick phones I was on the shower and a flat mate answered my mobile and I really didn't like that, I felt my privacy was invaded. I explained to her that she shouldn't have done that and she didn't like it much saying "But you were in The shower!". At the end there was no major falling out but I was always a bit cautious after that.

I understand the situation here is different but I would have gone after the Helen and informed her that Miranda was calling. I just wouldn't feel comfortable answering a phone that didn't belong to someone who is very close to me.

NotAllPets · 14/07/2023 20:30

Why have t your work sent Miranda home? Why is she staying in a placement where she is getting this treatment?

Something is really wrong here.

Floralnomad · 14/07/2023 20:31

I agree with a pp that it sounds like they are more than friends , there is no other explanation . It’s only a couple more weeks just keep yourself to yourself and let them get on with it .

TokyoSushi · 14/07/2023 20:31

You did the right thing.

Is your work sending you there? Do you work for the same company? I'm not sure Miranda should be going back if she's in such danger...

timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:31

NotAllPets

Well that's where it gets weirder because Miranda was offered to move to a different department with different accomadation but declined

OP posts:
timtamfan21 · 14/07/2023 20:33

Right boarding now - will read what everybody thinks later. i'VE felt very hurt by their behaviour and was unsure if i genuinely had done something awful and not realised it

OP posts: